I was told a story about a friend who lived for nearly 20 years with breast cancer. Someone had a dream about her the day before her diagnosis and she was saying ‘Don’t panic, cancer is my Lamborghini and I am going to show you how to drive it’. And my goodness, did she drive cancer like a Lamborghini. Other than juicing the shit out of it, it helped her see every moment as the rarest most precious thing. She lived life to the fullest every day, it made her love harder, and play harder, she was always the most delightful happy smiley person and full of joy. Her attitude and way of going through life living with cancer is something I really admired. Only now do I REALLY get the Lamborghini comparison. There is nothing like being told you have treatment-resistant cancer to light a firecracker under your bum to do everything you can to appreciate every single moment you have to experience this rare and priceless mortal coil.
If you come out at the end of this post feeling a bit confused don’t worry, I am too. While everything was better understood after getting information from 3 different types of doctors (The oncologist, the gynecologist and the GP gone rogue), I still have so many unanswered questions.
“It's not good news I am afraid. It seems your cancer is treatment-resistant. The disease has progressed.
""Wait. What?!" I felt like my blood was turning to ice. My thoughts raced trying to process what she was saying.
"It has grown since the end of your treatment. Even more worrying is that it has spread into a new lymph node."
"What do you mean? I don't understand! How can this be happening?!"
You would think I would be acclimatized to this Rollercoaster by now but nope, it hits like a tidal wave every time knocking the air out of you. The shock. Never for 1 second did I ever consider that the treatment wouldn't work. All that time and money and pain. We put all our faith into this medical world that it would cure me.
Wow. Can I have a refund, please?
I spent a very emotional afternoon feeling helpless and powerless to change the "message" of that appointment.
After a few more discussions and second opinions, it has been agreed that there is still a lot of inflammation and dead tissue and it was too early to tell how effective the treatment has been. The cancer can become inflamed after treatment and supposedly the peak of this inflammation is at 12 weeks - they scanned me at 8 weeks (who knows why). I need a PET scan at 6 months post-treatment to get a better picture and if in fact, those scans show progressive disease and more spread and that the treatment hasn't worked then we will start with another treatment called immunotherapy. This is a very long and expensive treatment, they call it "the money bags" at the treatment centre.
I still am going for a NED (no evidence of disease!) at the end of July and doing ALL the things that are meant to help cure/fight/stop this mutant turtle (nickname)! And yes I am back on the good old Turmeric and positive thinking trail again, with perhaps a little extra dose of some copper things. There is a lot to be said about diet, exercise, supplements, meditations etc helping you feel more empowered in your journey to having NED, like you have an active role in getting your body strong and in optimum shape to heal and thrive. I will not accept that the treatment didn't work. I believe I am getting better and better every day. It has been and is still working. I will not take this lying down and waiting.
I have so many angels around me. Special friends and family that show their love and support in different ways. It can be quite lonely as the inflicted person, it's a subject people feel quite awkward about. And that's OK. It's not a nice subject. I reach out to my "Cancer Babes" support group a lot. It's women going through the same things and I can really lay all the good, the bad and the ugly out on the table and they offer helpful advice and answers to so much. One of the loveliest bits of advice I got was from a cancer babe survivor whose treatment was unsuccessful, wasn't eligible for immunotherapy and was told she had until next winter. It's been 2 winters passed now and she is still kicking around feeling fine. I asked her what she would say has helped, she mentioned a couple of things I won't go into but mainly it was "Walk each day in gratitude, make friends with it, invite it to tea, sit with it and help release the emotion behind why it's there, love it away. And let cancer occupy as very little of your life and time as possible" I love this advice. I am appreciating my work, i am making sure to soak up this precious and fleeting time with my kids. I feel such gratitude for the feeling of the winter sun on my face and such joy when witnessing the colours of the sunrises and sunsets on morning or evening walks. I am getting well-practised at removing and letting go of stress and letting things just be. Whether I am here for another 10 months or 10 years, I just want it to be a happy time, I want it to glow like the glow I feel inside at being given the chance to really live.
Thanks for taking the time to read my posts. There is no charge for these posts but if you can buy me a coffee or two it really helps during this time. If you can't, that's ok too! You can do something else for me, go out and notice- really notice the world around you, be present and be kind, appreciate your health and your wealth, tell your loved ones you love them and really be there for your people. There are no guarantees in this game of life.
Thanks for reading :)