I was sobbing down the phone to my sister “I don’t think I can finish, it’s too hard! I am done.” “You can do it Kel, it’s not much longer, you are nearly there.”
I have definitely had my darkest days during this experience, especially as I approach the end of my treatment where the side effects of radiation and chemotherapy are at their peak and the fast and early onset of menopause as well as a cocktail of medication is playing havoc on my emotions and hormones. All the demons and trauma from my past have taken up residence in my head. All the shame, the guilt, the bad decisions, the wrong roads travelled that have led up to this point, and the realization all over again how serious this all is. My daydreams and night dreams are littered with these thoughts, as well as that feeling of utter shock and terror in those weeks of waiting for the diagnosis, getting the diagnosis, and then being comforted by my doctors that we can do something about it. It comes in waves and I weep and relive those moments all over again. The looking at my children and praying to god they don’t lose their mum, the questions my husband was asking that I had no answers to comfort him with and no knowledge to comfort myself with either, the not knowing who to talk to or reach out to because I didn’t know what I was dealing with.
I have started therapy to help me deal with the demons and trauma but a lot needs to be said for having a strong support system. I keep thanking my lucky stars for the priceless support from all my family here in Cape Town, they have been incredibly loving, kind, patient, and accommodating. Without them, this journey would have been even more difficult and scary than it's already been. All my aunts, uncles, cousins, granny, mum and dad, my sister, my sister-in-law, niece & nephew, my mother-in-law, my husband & children, my friends... every time I want to give up or have a meltdown one of them is right there to say; "yes you can do it” “get up” “you are nearly there” “your feelings are normal” “here is some useful information” “here is something that will help” “come for a walk” “dinner is ready” “it's not your fault” “here's a hug” “we are here for you” “let me come with you", “we love you”. All the love & the words that make me keep trying and keep fighting!
Family
Of course I am afraid. I am afraid of what it’s going to take to recover and the chronic side effects from all the treatment and medication I am on. I am afraid it hasn’t been cured, I am afraid of re-occurrence, I am afraid it’s going to take years to feel good again. I am afraid of the demons I have to face in therapy. I am afraid of going back into the world and my life again, I am afraid of the fast and early onset of menopause, I am afraid nothing will be the same again and at the same that it will be exactly the same. It's such a rollercoaster of emotions that I am going to have to navigate on my road to recovery. But I can do it. I can do it because of the amazingly strong and loving support system I have around me. It has really paid off to love as hard as I have loved and care as hard as I have cared. All the love, positivity, and everything good I have always tried to give out to the universe has come back to me tenfold in my time of need… for this I am grateful. I am so very grateful.
Family & Friends
Cervical Cancer deaths occur mostly in low-income and middle-income countries primarily due to poor cervical cancer screening and treatment programmes. So I am rather excited that the Zimbabwe government has recently rolled out a Cervical Cancer Screening Program in conjunction with the WHO in a global effort to eradicate Cervical Cancer. They will be doing regular vaccination programs for girls and boys and have subsidised HPV testing which in the past has been unaffordable, as well as monitoring those who are HPV positive. They will be educating people on how best to try fight or clear HPV infections naturally with a healthy diet and lifestyle (ie smoking, drinking & stress are a big no-no) They will also be offering Cryotherapy and LEEP treatment for free for those with persistent HPV infections. They will run these clinics under PSI (https://www.psi.org/country/zimbabwe/) Do you know your HPV status? HPV is the number one cause of Cervical Cancer and Oropharyngeal cancers. Knowing your HPV status will help you avoid these cancers that are easy to treat if found early.
Some friends
Thank you to all of you who have contributed, read my posts, and shared the love. My oncologist says most cancer patients continue to work as occupational therapy and it is important for the mind, body, and soul during this time. This will be my work and my way to make a contribution to my family and Victoria Falls on my path of
recovery and healing - I can't think of a more inspiring way! If you do want to contribute you can 'Buy me a coffee' :)
If you can't contribute, that's also OK! Please keep reading, take care of your body, go home and hug your family and be grateful for every day you have together.
Love,
Kel
P.s. Please reach out to me if you have any questions or want to know more about HPV and Cervical Cancer.
Helpful link to explain more about HPV & Cervical Cancer
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/human-
papillomavirus-hpv/hpv-5-things-all-women-should-know
More about the death of pap smears as cervical cancer screening, I am not the only
one with missed cancer cells from pap smears.
https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-northern-ireland-64373964
More on HPV Vaccinology
https://scholar.google.co.za/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0%2C5&q=HPV+vaccinology&bt
nG=&oq=HPV+vaccinol#d=gs_qabs&t=1704709198284&u=%23p%3D38VbJc8Xgd