Prince Harry’s security reinstatement is reportedly imminent, which, I fully understand, is actual news. But in the parallel universe of the British press, the bigger headline is not about armed police protection. It’s about the Duchess of Sussex, who may or may not accompany her husband to the UK this summer. Cue the hysteria.
Shane Watson in The Times has written what can only be described as a fan‑fiction parody masquerading as journalism. She thinks she’s inside Meghan’s head (Be the Princess!) and proceeds to imagine Meghan’s inner monologue with all the accuracy of, well, someone who’s never met her. According to Watson, Meghan will “happily return now because it will be as one of the Californian business elite, flying the flag of mindful wealth and success.” Translation: she’s successful, and that makes the press nervous.
Watson continues: Meghan will apparently plot “dramatic monochrome statements in the evenings and appropriate Kate nudging stuff in the day.” This is the kind of fashion clairvoyance that ignores the obvious: Meghan has her own style, and it doesn’t involve competing with Kate. It never has. There’s nothing to indicate Meghan has given Kate so much as a passing thought for the past few years. In fact, it was Kate’s stylist who digitally stalked Meghan and her inner circle, looking for fashion inspiration. But Watson even predicts Meghan will wear a baker boy hat, despite the fact that Meghan has worn chic wide‑brimmed and fedora styles for years. Baker boy hats are Princess Anne’s thing, not Meghan’s.
Then comes the pièce de résistance: Watson imagines Archie and Lilibet dressed “like the charges of Norland Nannies circa 1958.” This is especially rich given that royalists were just complaining that Meghan’s children were dressed too casually in leggings and t‑shirts. Princess Lilibet, a four year old girl, even came under fire for having tousled hair at home in her own garden.The press can’t decide whether to scold Meghan for being too modern or too retro, so they do both at once.
The fever dream continues with imagined photo ops, imagined Broadway ambitions, imagined barbecue gifts for Balmoral. It’s less reporting than projection, a collective hallucination designed to keep Meghan in the headlines while ensuring the rich and powerful remain untouchable. Because if Meghan is framed as a scheming fashion general on manoeuvres, then the monarchy’s own failures stay conveniently out of sight.
What makes this all so absurd is that Meghan has been clear about her boundaries. She doesn’t show her children’s faces. She doesn’t play palace dress‑up. She doesn’t need to “fly the flag of mindful wealth” - she’s already built a successful brand, selling £26.7 million worth of jam. The press can sneer, but the numbers speak louder than their fantasies.
So here we are: Harry’s security is reportedly about to be reinstated, Meghan may visit Britain, and the press is already scripting a pantomime of hats, frocks, and imaginary nanny uniforms. It’s laughable, but also revealing. The British press cannot stand that Meghan thrives without their approval, so they invent stories to drag her back into their orbit.
Meghan is accomplished, independent, and entirely uninterested in playing the role they’ve written for her. The press can keep hallucinating, but the Duchess will keep succeeding. And that, more than any hat or frock, is what really terrifies them.