Free Milk and a Cow
I dated this guy for a moment in time….he said, at the very beginning that it was “entrapment” to ask if we were exclusive. I’d only asked because we talked on the phone every day, everrryy dang day for a few weeks and he’d been enrolling me in his endeavors, “Could you look at this copy here?” “Can you help fix this promo here?” which are things I do for a living but for him, it was free. I also only asked about exclusivity because friends were saying, “He’s definitely thinking you’re exclusive, you should talk to him about it, it’s only fair.” (man, were they wrong (writing material, sorry friends)). And when I visited his town, I was his “lady friend” which felt just so embarrassing. In public. People would smile in that kind of way, like, “what’s happening, haha.” A “lady friend” which broadcast, “we’re not exclusive” and “she doesn’t mean that much to me.” I really wanted to be ok with non-attachment (writing material here). Over the months, I had to separate myself from him so I could keep some of my energy safe for my own, actual, work. I kept thinking about my father…the way he is…the way he talks and you can’t get a word in edgewise…it’s all a lot of writing material. I’m a talker so it’s amazing to me when I can’t get a word in or when someone fails to understand that I have an amazing sense of humor because they won’t even give me the time to ramp up…you can ask around about my humor and speaking-style thing…(This post is full of things that will be expanded into other writing projects).
I kept thinking about my boundaries. I know…but I kept thinking, also, about my single-ness, I do feel a lot of self-doubt about my prospects (that word/concept/hooweeee)…(which is also writing material for another time).
Well, it all made me think of that phrase, “Free milk and a cow” and the other one “when someone tells you who they are, believe them.” More writing material in there. Scene-driven so you don’t have to take my exposition for it. Which is another off-shoot idea for writing. The way we doubt exposition without proof of scene and I mean, we do need proof, we can’t just willy-nilly it, we communicators of experience whether we’re telling it to the judge or to a literary audience. And I’m opposed to preaching, like when someone’s preaching at me but sometimes, I would like to have my word taken for what it is. I love a good revolution but sermons are not always that. (writing material)
With regard to being a cow, free milked and all, though, I remain, as ever, an optimist. Or I want to be. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt in times of mounting distrust. I want to help people even at my own expense. You know? Partly, it’s condition of my female-ness, I get that, but it’s also more. I don’t want to be like another person I was heavily involved with who said, “I never give my work away for free” and I’ll tell you, he meant it. (SO much writing material)
I’ve condensed some things in this post, condensed to the point that some people could conflate some things and minimize my life’s experience if they’re motivated by the terrible things we can all be motivated by.
Which leads me to the meat of this post.
I used to run a popular reading series in Portland (Oregon). It was amazing. The things we did together. And then the phenomenon of The Internet took a real turn (more writing material) and I’m not the first to say it so I won’t go into it here, as in, I won’t do a cost/benefit analysis of The Internet here, now. But one thing that happened was that The Internet began its billions and billions of dollars industry of data mining and in reactionary style so common to us humans, a phenomenon arose along the lines of “don’t talk about or post about or share about me unless you pay me and ask permission” and so word-of-mouth became conflated with getting something published by a paying organization. (writing material). Here’s a photo from those days. New books, new works have been born from several of these amazing people here so I’ve included links at the bottom for you. I’m working it this way. If you write a book, it’s public. If you publish an article that’s public, it’s public. I haven’t included something from everyone in this photo not for any other reason than time taken to make this post.
Remember XO Jane? I wrote a thing for them once. A lot of us writers of that moment did. We were promised $. We didn’t get $. We were promised fame. We got shredded by comments. Anyway, what a moment was XO Jane. In memory of XO Jane, I’ve turned off all comments. This post is a lot of writing material for future posts and for the books I’m working on. So, I’m not just leaving it all like this pile of words here. (it’s all more writing material) (Or, I wish I could turn this post's comments off...hmmm).
This whole post (and something a student said recently about generosity) makes me think about what we have to give. As writers. How little the billionaire tech industry gives. How much money they make. How little we make. I’m grateful, don’t get me wrong…but I think it needs saying. (writing material will continue regarding $ and art, a conversation I’ve had more times than I can count)
So.
Wishing you all the human rights in this era of the technological overlord wars. Take good care. Fight the techno-power through kindness and benefit of the doubt and soft-bodied solidarity.
All proceeds go into my radical maverick creative endeavors.
Much love,
Jenny
https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=2676216805958191
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shayla_Lawson
