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∗ emotional glaciers ∗

∗ emotional glaciers ∗

Jan 15, 2022

Maybe I just speak for myself, but having been severely misunderstood from childhood all throughout adulthood very few maybe 2 people really understood me growing up and one of them is not here anymore... I mean.. I legitimately will be bought to tears if I speak to someone and they can actually hear and see me for all that I am and not for what I am not. For my tears to be understood, not even therapy has given me that. Maybe I've gotten played the wrong hands in that aspect but doctors just stare and offer a cup of water at best. The type of healing for me is to see myself not through the lense of others who have seen me in all the wrong and terrible ways and condemned me for what they thought I was. In that is also to embrace the loneliness that comes with being misunderstood and unheard as well and find peace in it. I feel like I've still done a great deal of that but still have the craving of someone seeing me as my best and not only my worst. Sometimes it's a choice as well... what I crave is for that choice to be a consistent, when someone just won't give up on seeing me for not that I'm ever lacking or wrong or in some way demonize, criminalize, somehow falsify everything I stand for. Growing up also clears the lenses on my own eyes but not the others to see that for nearly 30 years I've been only a projection of someone else's unhappiness, being treated as such yes it does take a toll and I've been scarred. I don't use the scars to ask for sympathy ever, every single person has their own truamas in their own forms and all deserve love. I have to fix my ways of thinking that makes me believe that I don't also deserve that. I can give all the compassion to others without a whine or whimper, I even give it to myself silently. But the question still stands on.. why then, externally, do I still receive coldness, from the ones I ask for warmth the most?

-- Seasonal "Depression"

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