Houa Lor
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Rock Bottom

Rock Bottom

Nov 07, 2023

I once looked up at the sky and asked, “World, why am I being punished? What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve all this struggling?” The world remained silent and didn’t respond. I just stood there and felt my heart slowly perish with pain. It was one of the hardest moments of my life and I was near death struggling, trying to feed my babies, keep my home and I was wondering…”What am I going to do?” I remembered I just sat down on the lawn and cried…because it was all I could do at that moment. When I reached out for help, I was given none but as soon as I turned my back, the help I needed was given to a stranger from the hands of family. It broke me entirely.


That moment…my husband and I decided to make a pact. We made a pact that no matter what happens, we will rely on each other for the rest of our lives. We were two peas in a pod, cut from the same fabric, and drowning together. But we would take this as the greatest lesson and become more than what anyone thought of us. We all struggled and we all hit rock bottom at some point in our lives. This was our rock bottom. But we climbed back up by pulling each other, pushing one another, and bleeding all the way up.


When we made the decision to leave the Midwest, the same people who turned their backs on us told us to stay. But even if we stayed, they still refused to help when needed, so we left. We wanted to start up somewhere new, somewhere we could write our name from the ground up. We found it in each other, in our children, in the time invested in one another and the moments we travelled together. We were and are going to be ok.


When I look back at the many footprints I’ve left behind, I noticed that I carried the weight of everyone with me. Perhaps because I was too nice and perhaps I was too willing, so everyone who needed to let go, dropped it onto me. I felt the need to be inviting and open so I could take it all on. However, it buried me and the hurt and disappointment came when I realized they would never do the same for me. I had to stop treating those who hurt me as if they were going to love me the same in return.


That was the day I grew wings and took flight. That was the day I found my voice and sang. That was the day I cut off the chains and walked away. I stopped expecting people to be the same for me. I stopped wanting to be accepted. I stopped wanting to please them. I began to please myself, my husband and my children. I lived for those who invested in me and I let go the need to be around those who carried a fake smile in my presence. And guess what…life blossomed and I found peace, a deep profound peace that no one understood what changed in me. They couldn’t pinpoint what had differed in me because it was their absence in my life that made it that way. It was now the presence of the moment in me that made me have my glow up. It was called living well.


Expectations can hurt. Let it go and instead invest in yourself. Invest in the time you know is worthy. Invest in those who you know will love you no matter what and gift your time to those who wait patiently instead of asking you to give up everything you don’t have. Live well.

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