Sometimes a great few months leads to a moment of weakness…I understand, I have been there too. I remembered when I was doing so well with everything in my life and then suddenly, a single moment of weakness hits me and I am back down and dirtied with my own tears of pain. I tell myself that I’m going to be ok, that I will survive, that I will make it out of it without scratches. But I still bleed and bruise to the point where nothing makes sense and I make my husband pay for it by giving him the silent treatment. And because he loves me, he just endures without saying anything. The guilt of what I do comes back to bite me a few days later.
Sound familiar? I can see you nodding your head. It’s normal to have a bad day or even a day of weakness. It’s human to feel that way. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are not a terrible person. Sometimes things trigger us and before we can control it, the witch from the east comes out. Just make sure you own up to your actions and apologize for your behavior if you hurt others. Saying I was sorry for the way I behaved to my husband was hard in the earlier years but I’ve gotten better at it now. When I find myself falling into that loophole, I ask myself, “What am I getting out of this?” And if the answer is “Nothing,” then I need to stop and fix me while not making him pay for something he didn’t do.
It's easier to use our emotions against those who love us because we trust that they will be ok with it because they love us. Everyone has a limit though and don’t push it. Through the years, I’ve learned that my silent treatment gets nothing done and I wind up hurting my husband badly. The guilt in me doesn’t die down after a few days, in fact, it lingers on and it makes me feel even worse. To keep it from happening is to simply ask myself, “Why am I upset? Who hurt me? What can I do to solve it? And if I can’t, how do I suppress it so I don’t make others pay for it?” These are the questions I’ve had to ask myself and sometimes the answer may be harder to hear and accept than needed. Sometimes the answer is, “It’s you, Houa. It’s all you.” This was a very hard lesson for me to adapt and apply to my life. It was all me who did the pain and hurt to myself and through it all, I made my husband endure it with me. But he saw it without me saying a single word and helped me to forgive myself.
Be gentle with yourself as you work through healing. Turn to those who love you to share and ask them to applaud you for your wins. Celebrate your every milestone with the person who sees you at your lowest and still loves you without holding back.