I found myself at a crossroads once in my life, wondering where I should go, and finding that I had no answers in my life. No matter who I turned to, they were telling me that I didn’t belong with them, and they were right…I didn’t, but I also didn’t want to belong to myself. I was afraid of a lot of things, mainly because I didn’t want to be alone. I just wanted someone to stand by me and tell me I would be ok. I craved being wanted so badly that I was willing to crack jokes at my own heart and soul just to be welcomed. I found out that the corners where I was pushed into was pretty hard to get out of. I had no protection and I was bloody and bruised each time while they walked away with a smile.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Because we just want to be accepted so we do what we can and take what is given without even stopping to ask ourselves if this is what we truly want in our life. Just one smile from the one person who we sought after will give us a little bit of pleasure. But when the smile ends, we are right back at square one where we chew our own flesh and swallow our own pain. We don’t grow anywhere while they leave us behind.
I did…
For a long time…
Because I didn’t know how to love myself…
Because I believed I wasn’t worthy…
Because I believed everyone else was right and I was wrong to earn and deserve love. So I pushed all my wants and desires down to the pit of the earth and just listened as they told me I was better off being last. Each day when the sun rose and I watched it rise from the horizon, I asked the universe, “Heavens, is it my day to be loved?” And the heavens would reply, “It is your day to be loved every day. But you’re not willing to love who you are.” And the answer hurt me because it was the truth I was running from. When it caught up to me, I asked it to wait until others saw me first. No one did. No one cared. But the love that I sought waited patiently for me to return to its arms. It never left me…it was always there.
I’m here to tell you, it’s ok to say “Enough.” I’m here to tell you, it’s ok to “want more,” and look for it in other places besides those who hurt you. I’m here to tell you, “You deserve love.” Don’t be afraid to let go those who just want you around to have a place to dump their insults. You have a better life and they know it quite well so they hold you back. Be ok letting go and walking ahead without them. If they truly love you, they will catch up and congratulate you. If they always wanted you to fail, you will hear whispers as they fall behind.
Be strong. You have endured enough.