The length of time it takes for you to grieve is never set in stone. I remembered when I had my miscarriages, many people were telling me to get over it because the baby wasn’t meant to be mine. But in my heart, I just couldn’t “get over it.” I fell into a deep depressive state and I didn’t want to do anything. I felt as if I had done something wrong and the guilt of not being able to protect something inside of me, gut me alive. Every time I wanted to talk about it with someone, they simply just told me that it will go away and I needed to find something different to do.
Does this sound familiar to you? Were you also one who was forced to just “get over it?” I’m here to tell you that pain, especially miscarriage and stillborn loss, are not something you can just “get over,” and be done with it. For the many who tells this to us are those who have never experienced it. So in their mind, it’s so simple, just “get over it.” The pill of miscarriage and stillborn is hard to swallow and it just sits tightly lodged in the back of your throat. It doesn’t disappear and over time, the bitterness slowly collects itself and makes you have a remaining after taste for life. When you see a pair of tiny shoes, when you see a pregnant belly, and when you catch a glimpse of an ultrasound photo…it all comes back to you. Each child you bear is different and each one is a blessing, no matter how hard the pregnancy or easy it was.
I’ve had three miscarriages in my time and each one is remembered exactly how it happened, when it started, and how I felt and looked after it went through me. I have never forgotten the pain, the emptiness, and the tears that overwhelmed me. I took each journey of it and I divided it apart, asking each little layer of pain to forgive me, to allow me to breathe, and to possibly find the will to live again. When we go through something as painful as this, the world itself even finds a hard time trying to relieve our pain. We are lost in a world muddled with our darkest thoughts and finding a way out leaves us wanting to curl back up in the same corner.
I’m here to tell you today to be gentle with yourself. If you are someone who has experienced miscarriage or stillborn loss, I want you to know that it is not your fault and as the day ticks by and the loss of the heartbeat of your little one disappears from your womb, you are allowed to grieve and feel the pain, to walk through the emotions, and find courage by not being ashamed. You are not at fault. You are a good person. You can find the light again. As hard as it sounds, as unbelieveable as it may be, you will wake up one day and the echo of your baby’s heartbeat will find its way to yours and help you to wake up and live again.