The day itself felt wrong, sour, even when sour was the best and the worst word to describe it. The Kakushi were rushing around the Estate trying to have everything ready for the day even when it was going to be an uneventful day as any other; they were getting his favorite food ready, the Estate pristine clean and everything in their rightful place so he would not trip with the furniture.
Oyakata-sama had been kind enough to send a crow with a congratulation on his birthday and gave him the night free but Gyomei was not someone who pondered too much about his birthday, to him it was nothing but another day, nothing special. It only felt more lonely than other days, more dull.
Gyomei took a deep breath and prepared to pray but he could not concentrate, his mind wandered to random places, to pieces of his past, painful ones, to current concerns that kept him awake when he had the time to rest. He worried a lot, he worried for the Kakushi, he worried for Sayo, he worried for Genya, he worried for all the demon slayers and their families, he worried about his fellow Hashira, each of them carried such a heavy burden on their shoulders, they were people he knew he could trust in, they had proven their loyalty time and time again but Gyomei could not let go that doubt, that little voice in the back of his head that advised him to be careful. And more than anything else he worried about Oyakata-sama, his savior, his leader, the one that showed him the right direction any time he needed orientation.
But he was alone and lost at that moment, even when he could hear the Kakushi bustling around the Estate and even when he knew perfectly well where he was exactly.
“Himejima-san?” That was a voice he did not think he would hear, not in his Estate and not without being spoken to before.
“Tomioka-san,” Gyomei greeted him, turning his head in the general direction of the soft voice of his colleague
“I hope I am not disturbing your prayers,” Tomioka-san said. “May I join you?” he asked and if Gyomei had been more easily startled he would have shown his bewilderment at the request. He could not remember the last time someone had joined him in his prayers, they were always too long, too silent, too boring.
“I was just starting, take a seat by my side,” Gyomei replied calmly.
His voice seem to rumble through the floorboards, it was not only sound, it was vibration, as if even the air around them recognized how powerful he was that it could not take his voice on its own and needed the help of everything around them to demonstrate, to dance to Himejima’s rhythm.
Gyomei could barely feel Tomioka shifting into a seiza position but he knew he was there. Sometimes Tomioka’s presence was almost as light as air, barely distinguishable from the environment and the rest of the people that was always bustling around them but, other times, Tomioka had such a strong aura that was almost suffocating but in a good kind of way.
Despite the amount of years they had been working shoulder to shoulder, Gyomei barely knew anything about the Water Hashira and that was a lot to say, Gyomei was a perceptive person that was a fact; he was empathetic to a fault, everyone knew that, and even then he had been unable to decipher Tomioka, not even a tiny piece of the puzzle he was.
He had learned recently that he was not a dim person just for the sake of it, he had learned that he was not as much a friend of Shinobu as he had thought to begin with, which sadden him a lot, Shinobu and Kanae had been very special to him, he knew them since they were children and had saved them from the demon that had killed their parents. He did not want to think bad of the Insect Hashira but the mean way she talked to her coworker was something that had to stop.
Tomioka’s sadness was almost palpable once one knew a little better, but even when Gyomei could not fully understand everything that was going on inside of his fellow Hashira, he knew that sadness was only the tip of the iceberg, deeper and darker things lurked under his stoic persona and that was something Gyomei admired a lot. While he was considered strong and immovable due to his size, Tomioka was the kind of pillar everyone could lean on because he would not falter, not because of his physical abilities, even when Gyomei was sure he had amazing physical abilities, but because he was stable, he was always the same, unchanging, a safe and known place to go back to. As uninviting as he was, every slayer could rest easy that Tomioka would remain Tomioka, that he would get the job done, that he would not break under the pressure… but maybe he would, maybe he had already bent or crumbled to the ground and he had not let anyone in to see the wreckage.
“Tomioka, why did you decide to come today?” Gyomei asked, not because he did not appreciate the company, he actually did, but because he was worried that Tomioka was trying to reach out for help and nobody was paying attention.
“It is your birthday,” he said, as if it was obvious but of all the Hashira, Tokito and Tomioka were the ones he least expected to remember or care enough about it. It was a new tradition after all, “I am not good at choosing gifts but I found that my children like sharing the things they like to do with others and I know that you enjoy praying and meditating and maybe you wanted to share that with someone,” Tomioka added, his quiet voice lulled something deep inside Gyomei, something he did not know that he had needed to be lulled. “I am able to stay quiet and I am not adverse to praying so I came to offer some company. I think you could teach me to pray like you... In case that you want to. I can leave if you rather be alone, I won't be offended,” he said, as if he were an annoyance when he was exactly the opposite.
Gyomei could not have stopped the tears streaming down his eyes even if he wanted to and he did not want to. Tomioka, as shy and bland as he looked, was nothing like it. He had good intentions and he did things the best way he could but he was usually misunderstood. He had a heart of gold, Gyomei was sure, because he might rather stay away from people but even then he took the trouble to go say ‘hi’ for his birthday, because he took the children that needed him, not those that would benefit him.
“No, please, stay. It has been quite long since someone prayed with me. I would really like to share this moment with you,” Gyomei replied. A rare smile crossed his lips and his usual aura of peace intensified.
They did not talk too much as it would have been quite unusual both when praying and when it was about Tomioka but they connected on a different level, spiritual level Himejima would say, just bonding, would say Tomioka. They existed in calm and peace, in a spiritual world that Tomioka imagined but never was able to go. He thought that it was impressive that Himejima could get there so often, and he did not wonder about his strength or his closeness with God after that experience.
He wished he was strong enough to do that every week, he would not strive to be Himejima, that was just madness, but he would like to be more connected to… to anything. Instead of Giyuu giving Himejima a gift, he had taken from Himejima instead, he felt a little guilty, every time he tried to do something nice for others he ended up being greedy and taking.
“I enjoyed it very much and I am sorry I did not bring any gifts for your birthday, Himejima-san” he apologized, bowing even when Himejima could not see him.
“Tomioka, do you know what is the most precious gift one can give?” Gyomei asked, looking straight at him with his unseeing eyes, it almost felt like he could see inside of him, his very soul, all the wounds that he had carefully hidden.
“No,” Tomioka replied, because even if he knew what he would appreciate the most as a gift he was sure that Himejima had a deeper understanding of things and his perspective was always welcome.
“Time,” he said, as if he were explaining it to a child, and maybe Tomioka was… in a sense. “Thank you for giving me your time this day, it is a lovely gift,” he added, “and I appreciated it very much,” he said and, to Tomioka, he felt magnanimous. Tears still streamed down Himejima’s cheeks and an honest smile graced his lips.
He looked at peace, he felt at peace for once. Maybe meditating with others was a good thing, maybe sharing the things he loved was good and Tomioka’s children were right. Keeping those things that make you happy to yourself was a greedy thing to do. What an amazing lesson had Tomioka given him that day, even without even knowing.
He could only hope that he had also given Tomioka something even half as valuable as what was given to him. And for a moment he felt the need to ask him to stay, even if just for another moment, even if just to exchange a couple of words, even to just… enjoy the others company in silence, if that was what Tomioka liked, if he wanted to share something too.
The words almost stumbled out of his mouth, he was not really sure what he was saying but his heart did. It had been many years since the last time he had not been extremely careful with his words, he did not like being misunderstood and put great effort in communicating everything clearly. So why was he speaking before thinking right at that moment? And to Tomioka, out of all people.
He did not mean that Tomioka would rage against him for a misunderstanding, he did not even believe that he would have said something to the Master after all the harassment the other Hashira had pulled him through. But he did not want to be misunderstood by Tomioka because he did not want to hurt him, because he cared.
“Would you like to stay?” Himejima asked with the gentleness that characterized him. “There are some things that I would like to ask you, if it is not inconvenient for you,” he added quickly, as if trying to explain himself, as if it was abnormal that two Hashira spent time together. Truth was that it was strange because it was Tomioka who they were talking about. But Himejima wished it was not and to achieve that he had to start somewhere and that moment seemed as good as any other.
“I have a mission tonight, but I have some time before I have to leave,” Tomioka replied, uncharacteristically social of him or maybe just willing to try.
“Please come inside, would you like a cup of tea?” Gyomei offered, he felt a little nervous, he did not want to spook Tomioka if he could help it, he wished he could encourage him to get a little bit out of his shell from time to time, but he was also fine with Tomioka deciding to stay in his safe space, every living being had their own time and Himejima would never do anything to rush their process or force them to keep a pace that was not the right one.
“I would,” Tomioka replied, politely, and they walked in silence to get a kakushi to make them tea.
Giyuu was pretty used to doing things by himself so he found it a little strange that Himejima could just stand somewhere and a kakushi would run to him to ask if they could be of help in some way. He found it strange that so many people were just waiting on them, happy to make a cup of tea or bring a blanket or sweep the floors. He did not comment on it though, maybe it had something to do with Himejima’s lack of vision though he doubted it because the kakushi at Kanroji’s house had been just as excited about doing anything for her, about helping her in any way they possibly could.
Once they were left alone in the engawa, the tea steaming in between the two of them, just then and not one moment before, Himejima decided to move. Maybe he could feel the vibration of the floor as his attendants left, maybe his hearing was just crazy and he knew exactly where everyone was at all times. Both thighs were perfectly possible to Giyuu so he did not question it too hard.
“If it is not inappropriate, I know that you are the primary caretaker of Shinazugawa Genya now, but when he is here, is there something I should do to help him? If his heat starts, I know he can defend himself but… is there anything I could do?” Himejima asked, somehow managing to fill the cups without spelling a single drop. Tomioka had been very close to offer help but he feared that it would make Himejima feel… less in some way, so he had kept his mouth shut, not that that was particularly difficult for Giyuu in particular.
“It is not inappropriate, he is your pupil and you worry about his safety,” Tomioka replied, “but if it is not too intrusive of me to ask, why do you barely have a scent? I was hiding mine to not be recognized as an omega but you are not and your scent is still very dim,” Tomioka asked, the answer to Himejima’s question was hidden somewhere in his statement.
“I am a monk, carnal desires are not… the closer and more attached you are to your flesh the farther away you drift from the spirit world,” he replied. “My scent would not only betray my purpose but would entice others to do that too. As the alpha I have the responsibility to not be an obstacle in other people’s lives,” he said as an explanation.
“I… may I?” Tomioka said, whispered even, as if he would not dare correct Gyomei when he was wrong, and maybe that was the case exactly.
“Of course,” Himejima said, he was no stranger to criticism, and as long as it came from a good place, he would take the advice into consideration.
“Scents are much more than only carnal desires,” Tomioka declared.
“Well, I do think that the mating bond is sacred so I do not think that scents are bad but I certainly have no intention to form a bond so my scent would only be impure,” Himejima replied, opening up a little bit more than what he would have liked.
Had Himejima been able to see, he would have been the first Hashira to experience an original puzzled face from Tomioka. His head tilted slightly to the side, his brows were pulled next to each other in confusion or perplexity and his mouth was left open for a moment. It would have been the talk of the town had anyone seen it but nobody did so, by the time he managed to recover his impassive front the conversation felt a little… stifled. And when Giyuu did not know what social norm he was supposed to follow he just followed his instinct and either stayed silent or said the wrong thing, that time in particular, he decided to talk.
“Why are you embarrassed of your scent?” he asked.
The silence extended between the two of them, dense and heavy. Was he? Was Gyomei embarrassed about his own scent? He had never done anything bad with it, so why was he actually hiding it? Well he knew why, did he not? He had been taught how dangerous alphas were as soon as he was old enough to understand the words. He had been shown the effects that the blinding desire of alphas could do to others, to one poor unsuspecting omega that should not have been attacked in such ways. He knew his potential to evil and that was one of the reasons he had decided to steer himself in the other direction. And he had been right, he liked his connection with nature and life and god. He enjoyed his freedom of feeling whatever he needed to feel and that was good, he enjoyed showing his feelings and being connected deeply to his emotions, not many other male alphas could say that about themselves. That has always been good, so why that question in particular shut everything down and called all of his alarms into attention.
“Would you feel comfortable enough to let out your scent out with me here? I will not be affected by it,” Tomioka offered, maybe feeling guilty for driving him to that state where he could feel almost too much but could not express any of it. For once, Himejima’s eyes were dry.
“How can you be sure?” Gyomei insisted. His big unmovable body felt tiny at the moment, he felt himself trembling like a little child that was too scared to let his feelings be expressed by any other way other than… than what? How could Gyomei show he was angry without scaring an omega? He could not, not with his size. How could he show happiness when it felt so disrespectful to those who were not there anymore? No, the only thing Gyomei was free to express was sorrow and that was not the kind of life he wished upon his students.
“Do you know what a scent sign is?” Tomioka asked. Maybe he was trying to answer Gyomei’s question but how could anyone know? Mostly when it came to Tomioka in particular. Nobody knew what was going on inside his head, some people though that the answer was ‘nothing’, others, that it was ‘too much’, Gyomei suspected that sometime not even Tomioka Giyuu himself was able to understand the way his brain worked, or maybe he just did not care enough.
“It has something to do with affecting other’s feelings and robbing them of their autonomy,” Himejima replied. He was pretty sure he was correct overall but Tomioka’s silence was not reassuring to him at all. It was also true that Tomioka was not someone to be particularly talkative.
“It can affect other people’s feelings, that it’s true, but it is much more than that. If an omega is panicking you can help them feel safe and protected, you can be a father figure, a protector. Everything that has potential to do evil, also has potential to do good,” Tomioka said, his voice sounded far away even when he was seated right by his side.
“Should I help young Shinazugawa with my scent during his heats?” Himejima asked, actually surprised by the new information he was being fed.
“No, you should not put yourself in a stressful situation right away. Find a moment during your meditation when you are calm and alone and let your scent surround you softly. Get to familiarize with it, get to know yourself. Scents change throughout life, even if just slightly, the core might be always the same but as you grow and mature and as you find your way in life, your scent usually follows along,” Tomioka explained. “Sometimes, the parts of us that we do not like are the ones that push us further into goodness,” he added, his voice barely a whisper. Maybe it was advice for Gyomei, maybe it was something Tomioka needed to hear from someone, anyone. Maybe it was something he had learned the hard way and was trying very hard to make other’s experiences better.
That was nice of him, not only that but it was incredibly kind. Even being as cryptic as he always was, he was showing his soul to Himejima, he was trying, whether on purpose or not, to let him in and Gyomei wanted nothing more than to be close to his fellow Hashira. Being at the top of the food chain was not priceless, they were lonely and isolated, they only had each other and Tomioka seemed to have nobody. Even if Shinobu insisted on pestering him all the time, maybe out of good intentions, maybe out of bad ones, he was alone with a heavy burden, with his children, with his secrets. He was even more isolated than the rest of them and if Tomioka was ready to open up a little, Gyomei would take it into his caring hands and hold him up and heal him if he could or at least stop others from hurting him if he was able.
“Hello!” Her sing-song tone of voice was everything both Tomioka and Himejima needed to know who it was.
Gyomei could not say he was surprised, Shinobu and Kanae had always had a very special place in his heart, he had saved them when they were fairly young and he had taken them under his wing for a good amount of time. He worried for them immensely, when they had to go to hunt demons on their own, when they were not safely tucked into bed.
Kanae’s death had been a blow to the Corps as a whole but to Himejima had been particularly painful, he could not imagine what Shinobu must have felt, what she still felt. Maybe that was one of the reasons he was more lenient with her bad behavior and her bully ways. He wished he could have done something to help her through the grieving process but he did not know what or how and by that point he was not sure how close they were anymore.
Shinobu kept visiting him on special occasions though, so maybe there was still some hope in recovering that relationship that had been slowly wasting away with time. He hoped that at the very least she felt cared for and appreciated by him just like he felt when she took the trouble to walk all the way to his Estate just to make sure he was fine, just to say ‘hi’. He wished he could do more though.
“Hello, Shinobu-chan,” Gyomei said, deciding to spare a short prayer for her just in case.
“Himejima-san, happy birthday,” she said, he was sure she was bending over to show respect, but that was really not needed.
“Thank you,” he replied, because it was the right thing to say and because the silence between Tomioka and Kocho was turning uncomfortable.
“Ara ara, Tomioka-san,” she said, trying to act normal but her words came out wrong, maybe a little flimsy or a little shaky, he was not completely sure about it but if he had to guess he would say that that was the first time they actually seen each other face to face after the stolen diary incident.
“Good morning, Kocho,” Tomioka replied. He did not sound particularly angry, maybe just a little unsure about where they were going with the conversation and that was impressive, somehow. Gyomei was not one to stay angry with people or hold grudges, he tried his best at least, but the Hashira had been incredibly mean and unfair to Tomioka so he was having a hard time understanding why he did not feel any kind of resentment for any of them.
Silence fell upon them as a weighted blanket, heavy and tense. Gyomei could feel the tension coming from Shinobu almost in shock waves, like the fast beatings of the wings of a butterfly. There was absolutely nothing coming from Tomioka, maybe he was just too good at hiding his feelings or maybe he just had not noticed the difficult situation they were in.
“I think you two could enjoy the garden while I go inside to get some more tea,” Gyomei said, not sure if he said it to escape the situation or if he thought they desperately needed time on their own to solve their issues.
Shinobu had always been a very proud person and apologizing was not easy for her so he was not going to put more pressure on her if he could avoid it… and he also did not want to be involved with anything those two were up to, he had never understood them it seemed, from thinking they had romantic energy he had gotten to understand that Shinobu just liked to annoy Tomioka and Tomioka did not care enough to make her stop effectively but he surely was NOT interested in her in a romantic way.
It seemed like the silence had come to stay, Tomioka was not about to break it and Kocho was not ready to apologize, or maybe she was but she did not know how. The simple on her face was so fake that it hurt her face muscles to keep it in place, it probably also looked more like a grimace than anything else.
“I apologize,” she said, pretty much out of the blue, her fake smile still in her face and her head slightly tilted to the side, as if she had just knocked a cup of tea instead of… instead of everything she had done.
Giyuu was about to say that there was nothing to worry about, that he had already forgiven her, but a little voice in the back of his mind, or maybe not so little and not so far in the back, that sounded like Shinazugawa repeated a fraction of a conversation: “maybe that is something you two should talk about,” said the voice and instead of saying what he thought he was going to say, his mouth took charge and asked the question he actually needed her to answer.
“Why? For breaking my trust? For reading something private to everyone? For not respecting boundaries? Or for all the mean comments you have done throughout our… relationship.” And he used the word relationship because he was not sure if what they had was a friendship or something completely different.
Shinobu’s smile froze, Giyuu had never seen her so surprised at him before, maybe she expected him to accept her half assed apology, maybe she thought that he would not even answer to begin with. But he had, he had an answer and the answer had come out strong. Maybe he should take Shinazugawa’s advices a little bit more careful, Giyuu though, maybe he should have reassured her first and then bring it up, but he was sure that if he had done that he would not have been able to board that same issue latter and that was something they had to talk about weather they liked or not, weather it was comfortable and uncomfortable. There was no other way to keep going further.
“Everything, probably,” she said, her smile back in her face, her sing-song voice as fake as ever. “What should I do for you to forgive me?” she asked. Had Giyuu not been paying so much attention he would have not noticed the little muscle under her eye trembling. Maybe out of tension, maybe out of anger.
“The least you can do is be honest,” Giyuu replied. “You are allowed to be angry, Kocho, no matter who told you otherwise you have the right to be angry at the world or at me, or at demons, or even at Kanae. That does not mean that you love her any less, it just means that you are being yourself and maybe you can show her the real smile that she always loved instead of that fake grimace that you use on your face all the time,” Giyuu added. Somehow, in some deep part of him, it felt like he had already said those same words to someone else before.
Shinobu’s face twisted into all the emotions she had not allowed herself to feel in years in only one second and she could not find the words to express anything that she was feeling. It was too much for her at the moment and by the time she came back to herself and tried to put up her smiling mask again she found that her cheeks were covered by angry tears and that she was clenching teeth. Oh, how much she wished she could just scream and punch something until her arms broke.
“Are we friends, Kocho?” Giyuu asked as he saw her calm down a little bit.
The only thing Shinobu could do was nod, she could not use her voice, not just yet. And for once she was actually being honest. Yes, Tomioka was her friend, or at least she had just tried to be his friend for so long with no results at all that she did not even remember how many times she had failed at it.
“I am not angry at you, just do not do that again and you need to respect my boundaries when I lay them down,” he added.
Her purple eyes looked deeply into his, he could feel that anger that had always been inside of her, that flame that she had tried to stifle and she had not managed successfully to do. Giyuu could just hope that that anger and that darkness that she kept to herself had not just swallowed her whole, he could only hope that he was not too late.
“I will not do that again, I am sorry,” she said, and this time Giyuu believed her.
“You are forgiven,” he replied and got one of her rare honest smiles in reply.
“I am still bullying you, though,” she said, her voice still a little wet from crying but trying to lift the mood a little bit.
“I heard somewhere that I am too easy to bully, I will not hold it against you,” Tomioka replied and accepted the extended hand of the Insect Hashira to go looking for Himejima-san. Tomioka to say goodbye and leave to complete his mission; Shinobu to spend some quality time with the birthday man.