The silence was deafening. The atmosphere in the Water Estate was no longer the same calm and relaxed atmosphere as when they arrived, it was tense and heavy and Zenitsu wondered how everyone was breathing it in. Even Inosuke who struggled to understand civilized social interaction could feel that he better keep quiet, and keep quiet was not something he was very used to. None of them three were.
He was finally getting used to Rengoku-san being around and still adapting to his ways and he was very much fond of Kocho-san after she saved his life in Mount Natagumo but he had never had the pleasure to get to know the rest of the Hashira and he was not sure if he ought to be happy he had gotten the opportunity to see them at all, let alone share food with them, see them train and even more, he had been given the chance to be one of the few the had actually seen the Water Estate with his own eyes.
He was not sure how much of a privilege it was at that exact moment. Tomioka-san had always been very unbecoming to him, he knew how much Tanjiro and Inosuke admired him but he was scary, mostly at that exact second. He had also found Himejima-san scary at the beginning, a big part of it was because of his size, but he seemed very gentle in the way he treated people so he could fathom a future when he would not be terrified of being by his side.
The ones that had become scarier with time were Iguro-san and Shinazugawa-san. They seemed ready to kill anyone if they were even mildly offended, or perceived you to be looking at them in the wrong way… and they seemed madly strong so Zenitsu tried not to look anywhere near them and stay out of their way; he had even decided not to scream just in case they found that annoying. He did not want to be on their bad side.
Tokito-san had at first seemed only apathetic but he had discovered that he was madly strong as well, that he had an awful attitude and that he was quite cynical. He had wisely decided to stay out of his way too, he had no intentions to know just how far he could go without a worry in the world about the code between demon slayers in a training session.
Uzui-san and Kanroji-san were a whole different issue. The white haired giant was annoying as fuck with his pretty face and cocky attitude, he could also recognized that he was absolutely jealous of his looks but he would never admitted it out loud. The sweet beautiful pink and green haired delicacy of a woman had already been too much for him, she would live rent free inside his brain and his heart for the rest of his existence.
It was still not enough for him to say that he would not have preferred the peace of mind that being in the Flame Estate would have given him, especially if he had the prospect of the horribly awkward moment he was being subjected to.
He had embarrassed and humiliated himself a million times and somehow this was worse than his whole pathetic excuse of life. He had always hated the fact that he had not been born an alpha, it had always been a sore spot in his ego that Kaigaku had never had to worry or even think about, the lucky alpha bastard, but he knew that he would have been an awful one as soon as he took into consideration his problems at managing his feelings when it was about securing a match. He would have been a menace to society and a menace to himself if he was not one already.
But the position he was in at that exact moment was what worried him the most. He had never had any alpha apologize to him ever before, he had never heard an alpha apologizing at all, let alone to a younger person or another type. He understood that Rengoku-san had been wrong, but was it fair of Tomioka-san to demand a public apology from him? And maybe it was, it was true that he had disrespected Tomioka-san in his house being a guest, he understood if Rengoku-san felt the responsibility of apologizing to Tokito-san and Iguro-san because they were peers after all, he even understood if Rengoku-san apologized to Shinazugawa-san for ordering his brother but… the rest?
Rengoku-san had done nothing to him or to Inosuke or to any of the rest of the alphas and betas of that room. He had made a mistake, a wrong judgment, but being ‘a bad example’ was something people apologized for? If that was the case he should live on his knees apologizing to Tanjiro and Inosuke every single day of his life, he was the oldest of them after all and never a good example.
And what about Genya, Suki and Aiko? He had liked them from the beginning, mostly Aiko, Genya was scary and Suki was savage and she could probably turn him to ashes with a sentence but, was it worth it? The command was not directed at them, even if it affected them it had not been Rengoku-san’s intentions, did that not count for anything? He was not sure, the rest of the Hashira had not told Tomioka-san that he was going a little bit too far so… what was he supposed to understand? Was it a common occurrence? Was something alphas did on a daily basis and if they fucked up three times a day they had to humiliate themselves three times a day? It seemed a little excessive, Tomioka-san’s rant was humiliating enough in his opinion.
But maybe it was not and Tomioka-san was right and he owed apologies to half of Japan. Maybe he would keep quiet and ask Tanjiro about it later, once they were alone. Maybe Tanjiro actually apologized to his little siblings when he was wrong, maybe silently trying to change was actually not enough in some cases.
“Kamado,” Rengoku-san said, his voice was strangely calm and subdued, either from regret or embarrassment, Zenitsu could not tell, “Hashibira, Agatsuma, I did not mean to be a bad example nor an embarrassment for either of you. What I did was wrong and I do not want any of you to think that that is the right way to treat a person or the right way to conduct oneself,” he said, seeming to find some semblance of confidence the more he talked, his arms were still firmly crossed in front of him and Zenitsu had the inkling that it was a facade, he was acting more than actually feeling confident. That was the closest Zenitsu had ever been to an actual apology from anyone… ever, so he was not one to judge, if acting made it better for Rengoku-san he would keep his mouth shut about it.
“We understand, it was not your best moment, Rengoku-san, we accept your apology and thank you for your consideration to us,” Tanjiro replied through his teeths, after Kocho-san bandaged his dislocated jawbone he could not open his mouth properly but he always found a way to say the right thing, to alleviate everyone; he always found a way to be considerate of everyone's feelings.
Zenitsu still wished it was a nightmare because he was not sure of how to survive it, he did not know how to look Rengoku-san at his face again or even Iguro-san and Tokito-san. He was not really sure why it was embarrassing to him, why he felt so strongly towards apologies and why he felt so strongly towards omegas who were forced to submit.
He decided to think about it later, in depth, maybe with Tanjiro’s perspective…
“Kocho, Himejima, Uzui, Mitsuri, Shinazugawa…” Rengoku-san’s voice wavered yet again, he seemed unable to look them in the eye. Maybe it was fear, though Zenitsu did not believe that option to be true, that would have been more typical of Zenitsu than his mentor. Maybe it was his ego being stepped on so brutally or maybe he was remorseful and ashamed for what had happened. Maybe he feared finding disgust or disappointment on the faces of his peers. That was a fear Zenitsu could share with him. “I am sorry I put you in a position where you had to be witnesses of my misconduct. I followed an instinct and was too fast to act, I should have reacted differently,” he said.
Kanroji-san looked like she wanted to hug both the omegas and Rengoku-san, as if she wanted to turn back time and do something to avoid the situation as a whole, as if it physically hurt her. Kocho-san seemed indecisive about it, as if she would rather have some time to think about it considering all possible perspectives before giving an assessment. Zenitsu recognized that as a treat of hers, she always rather wait to see clearly before passing a judgment. Uzui-san, on the other hand, looked as if he had already forgiven Rengoku-san five hours ago, he even offered his friend a little reassuring cocky smile.
Shinazugawa-san seemed rather unimpressed, as if it was too little of an apology or as if he could not care less even if he tried, Zenitsu was not really sure yet and he did not think he would like to know, Shinazugawa-san was strong and fast and he always looked ready to murder someone, better to keep his distance even if it was sniffing distance.
“It is not about being witnesses of anything, in my opinion, it is about the fact that you took the choice of imposing yourself and your wants over others, our presence has nothing to add to it but the fact that you felt comfortable enough to engage in that type of behavior having been already told how hurtful it is for an omega in front of this many people. I do not think it is our place as alphas or betas to accept or reject your apology, we will keep doing our best and calling out the people who need to be called out, you are the one who needs to do an introspection about this issue,” Himejima-san said in all seriousness, tears streaming down his face, sympathizing with those who were truly affected. He not only seemed but also smelt really distressed but his head was still held high and his shoulders were not slumping. He was ready to hold Rengoku-san accountable for his mistakes.
“I wanted to apologize to you particularly, Shinazugawa, since your brother…” Rengoku-san continued with his long list of apologies but could not finish his sentence.
“Apologize to Genya then, you did not hurt me,” Shinazugawa-san cut in. He wore a strange expression on his face; the lack of eyebrows definitely did not help and Zenitsu could not really place any of his feelings one hundred percent. He had clenched fists and a clenched jaw but he also rolled his eyes as if annoyed by the whole thing.
Zenitsu could see anger everywhere in his expression and in his posture but he sounded… he sounded disappointed and deeply saddened and Zenitsu was not actually listening to his voice, no, that was anger and disgust, what he was hearing was something way more private that he would probably not have shared with any of them if he could avoid it but Zenitsu could not help but to listen to the tone of his body and he sounded a little bit melancholic and even resentful and very very protective.
“Genya…” Rengoku-san said, turning towards the omega who was still struggling to get back on his feet.
“Shinazugawa,” he corrected. It was a little disrespectful to cut in someone older than him and an alpha at that, but Genya had every right to be angry so Zenitsu decided that it was normal that he would prefer to distance himself from the person that had hurt him even if it was unintentional.
“Shinazugawa, I really did not mean my command to affect you, I have no right to do that and I will be more careful in the future,” he said, going as far as to give him a little inclination as a form of showing respect and contrition… or maybe it was to avoid eye contact.
Zenitsu was not stupid, he had noticed that Rengoku-san shunned everyone's eyes since uttering that command and he kept his usually smiling mouth in an uncharacteristic tight straight line but there was nothing he could do to help but to stand there and pray for it to be done with as soon as possible. Genya, on the other hand, contented himself with wearing a ‘bored and not really convinced that it was a heartfelt apology’ kind of facial expression as a reply, he did not utter a single word; Zenitsu was not sure if that was better or worse but he guessed that they could decide what to do to cheer Rengoku-san up after everything was said and done.
“Tokito, Iguro, I am sorry I disrespected you, it was not my intention. I consider both of you my equals as Hashira and always respected you, I did not think that it would affect you too, I had no right,” Rengoku-san added.
Maybe it was just Zenitsu but the fact that Rengoku-san was dealing with the apologies as if he was trying to get rid of them as quickly as possible was hardly the right thing to do. It was certainly the easiest, mostly when he had to apologize to so many people and he probably did not agree with some of them, but Zenitsu thought that it might not be the wisest decision.
He was sure that Rengoku-san had really not intended to hurt anybody and that was as much as a good excuse he could get. He just needed to be genuine and give them all a heartfelt apology even if it was a short one but an honest one. Whether it was right of Tomioka-san to demand apologies or not, the truth was that he had hurt the omegas and if Zenitsu decided to place himself it their shoes he would have have expected an apology at the very least… but a real one, the method that Rengoku-san was using was doing him a disservice.
“Yes, exactly, you have no fucking right to command me, yet you did and do not come to me with that poor excuse of an apology, you knew full well that a command would affect us all and you could not care less,” Iguro-san replied, eyes squinting, lower eyebrows and crinkled nose, widening his posture as he spoke leaving behind the slumping mess he had been a few moments before to reclaim the place he had earned with sweat and blood.
“Do better,” Tokito-san added with that apathetic facial expression of his. Zenitsu could smell a little disgust and a little disinterest coming from him. He even looked up and down Rengoku-san’s body as if asserting if he could beat his ass at the training grounds or not. The assessment seemed to go in favor of Tokito-san since his disdain became easily recognizable for everyone.
“Sen…” Rengoku-san spoke again, he seemed to shrink in front of their very eyes, shoulders slumping as if the weight of the world had been placed onto his shoulders at that precise moment, voice wavering, “I did not mean to hurt you, neither you nor your friends, I swear. You know that the only thing I want is to protect you and I have always had your best interest at heart, it is just… Do you have an idea how worried I was about you when you ran away? How worried our father was? You were alone, late at night, away from home… and I got to know that you got hurt. And then Gen… Shinazugawa got hurt too, even worse than you. What am I supposed to do? Stand still and watch you get hurt again? Sit idly as you get killed? I can not do that, Sen. You are my little brother, I have to protect you, it is my duty. Do you have an idea of the things I have seen, you do not want that for yourself, Sen,” he said and he was being honest, it was true that demon slayers saw many ugly things while at work and it was true that keeping one's innocence and trust in the world and in people’s kindness was extremely hard.
“And I was wrong, I admit it. I should have been more patient with you back then, I should never have use my commanding voice or scent on you and if I could change it I would, and I am trying to change for the future and I will, but you can not put yourself in danger for no reason and expect me to clap my hands at it,” he added and even if Zenitsu could give it to him for the effort and for the honesty in his words he could also say that anything after the ‘but’ would have been better used if he had said it at another time. ‘But’s’ and apologies did not mesh well together.
“It is still my decision though,” Senjuro replied. His voice was also subdued, somewhat shaky, small, weak. “Whether you meant it or not is not the point, the point is that you did, you did hurt us, you knew it would hurt us and you did it anyway so you are not protecting me. You may want to, I will give you that, but you are not doing it as of now, you are effectively harming me in ways I do not know how to heal. How can you ask me to not run away? What other choice did you leave me? To stand by and sit idly as you and father inflicted wound after wound, to clap along as you tore me apart beyond repair, or to run away… well, which would you have chosen for me having my best interest at heart?” he added, and was forced to make a pause to sniffle in a desperate try to stop his runny nose. He seemed pissed at it.
“And just for the sake of it, whose fault would it have been if something happened to me when I ran away? Now that probably would not happen because I am safer than anywhere else here, and even if I go out I have been training, most likely I am not good enough for you because I am not an alpha but I am good enough for me and I could actually give a little bit of a fight if I get attacked so instead of complaining about me being in danger you should have train me to make sure I could protect myself in the best possible way but instead of that you decided to hurt me. Your actions and your thoughts are very consistent thankfully,” he said, his whole body was shaking as his blood shot eyes dampened. Sarcasm was dripping, not even Suki would have done it better.
“Sen…,” Rengoku-san tried to cut in but he had not much to say without getting into a new heated discussion with his little brother.
“‘Get off the ground, spit your blood and bare your teeth. If you are going to go down, then go down savage, go down fighting’ father told me that, I went to visit him, he sent me letters and I replied to them. Unlike you he did not command me around or diminish my feelings and wants, he tried to help me improve, so that I could defend myself if I ever needed it because at the end of the day it is my life and the only one that has a right to say what I will do with it is me… and maybe father, but not you. So yes, since you did nothing to prevent it you will have to stand still, sit idly and clap along as I put myself in danger for whatever I deem important enough regardless if you find it important or not,” he said, tears streaming down his face as fast as he could wipe them clean off with the sleeves of his pretty dark red yukata.
“I am sorry, Aniue, but I am not sure if I can forgive you right now. I do not think I can trust you,” he said, his voice cracked horribly at the end and took a seat at the edge of the engawa. Aiko moved with him and hugged him as hard as she could. He even seemed to lean onto her for some support.
It was almost like watching a mountain crumbling in on itself piece by piece but in complete silence. Zenitsu had to look away, it felt like barging into a very personal moment. Right then and there, Rengoku-san was the complete opposite of his usual self: bloodshot and puffy eye, unshed tears and quietness. His shoulders were shaking desperately and he had clasped a hand over his mouth to keep it all inside. It was not a pretty sight and Zenitsu felt like he was out of place, like it was not something he should have witnessed.
“You still have to apologize to Suki and Aiko,” Iguro-san said, mercilessly.
Anybody else might have been more considerate with the young man that cried in front of them but not Iguro-san, he was still angry and hurt and if Rengoku-san had to feel like shit for him to reconsider his ways, then it served him right and if that kind of treatment pushed him away then good riddance in Iguro-san’s opinion.
“Suki, Aiko, I am truly sorry that my command affected you too, it was not my intention to hurt anybody,” Rengoku-san, sniffling through his nose and with his voice cracking horribly at the end. Senjuro shrank and shivered a little as he heard the pain in his older brother’s voice but did not turn to look at him, Zenitsu was not sure if he thought he could not or he would accept his brother back.
Aiko did not even look at him, she seemed to want to put as much distance as possible between them, to make herself invisible to everyone. Suki, on the other side, was still standing still in her place, nailed to the ground, but had suddenly looked at him, she seemed as murderous as in the morning but she was also angry and scared. Zenitsu could not point to what exactly she was feeling, not even her sound was clear enough for him to decipher, it was hidden under many other emotions.
“It is not the important part, the important part is that your response to someone doing something you did not agree with was to force them into what you wanted. To impose your will on someone else, whether it is me, the other Hashira or your brother. Do you know where we lived before haha found us?” she asked, she was also about to cry but was somehow holding her tears. She was also positively terrified of Rengoku-san and every other alpha in the room but she kept going even as Rengoku-san did not answer her question, “Answer to me! Did the cat conveniently steal your tongue now? How strange, a few minutes ago your voice was perfectly fine to command us,” she added, her eyes never left his for a second.
“No, I do not,” he replied, looking anywhere else but to her baby blue eyes.
Zenitsu was suddenly unsure if he wanted to know where they lived before Tomioka-san found them or not. He had asked himself that question and was very curious about it but he had somehow convinced himself that they had probably been attacked by a demon and their family had been decimated but in that setting… it looked like they had not come from anywhere good and demons might or might not have had anything to do with it.
Suki gave them a short little fake laugh, it did nothing but to dig a deep hole of worry in everyone's chest.
“I was locked in a dirty dark wet basement, fed with scraps as I waited for the next alpha that paid to my parents to climb down the stairs. Sometimes they brought their omegas to watch the freak show, sometimes they did not. Do you know what happens when an unpresented omega is sexually assaulted?” she said but did not wait for a reply before she answered her own question, “we instantly go into heat because our body thinks that we are in dire need of reproduction because who would do something as heinous as that? Surprisingly there are many many people that would,” she said.
Zenitsu wanted to vomit, Suki and Aiko were still children and they seemed to have lived with Tomioka-san for a good amount of time which meant that they were… they were very very young. How could anyone do something like that to anyone, let alone a child? He quickly realized that he was not the only one fighting to keep composure, Kanroji-san seemed about to vomit as well, she was already crying her eyes out as quietly as she could, by her side, Uzui-san let his tears washed down his face in complete silence just as Himejima-san did. Kocho-san seemed horrified, Iguro-san had hugged himself, as if trying to sooth or maybe protect himself, Tokito-san shrunk into a tight ball of human being and looked into the distance and Shinazugawa-san had simply covered his face with his hands so trying to say what his expression was was impossible but it seemed easy to know that he was sharing the same thought as the rest of them.
Genya kept his eyes closed as if he was being physically hurt, Senjuro had hugged Aiko harder and she had hidden her face in the crook of his neck. Tanjiro was barely breathing and Inosuke was crushing Tanjiro’s hand to keep himself grounded. Rengoku-san, on the other hand, seemed disgusted by himself and his actions, ashamed and mortified of what he had just done, he had just brought that terrifying past back to both the girls.
“DO NOT…,” she screamed at him, “DO NOT GO INTO HEAT, DO NOT SCREAM, you will like it, DO NOT CRY, or I will give you a reason to, DO NOT COMPLAIN, I could make it so much worse, DO NOT TELL ANYBODY, nobody will believe you, DO NOT TALK BACK, unless those punches were not enough, DO NOT WHAT NOW? WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO ADD TO THE LIST?” she continued, angry tears welling up in her eyes but she had yet to shed any.
There was nothing they could say or do to fix the situation; Rengoku-san had fucked up monumentally, wether it had been intentional or not they could argue, but he had fucked up and Suki had every right to be pissed, to be angry, to be hurt. Her little hands had closed into fists, her lower lip trembled. She was trying hard not to cry and it hurt all of them to see someone as young as her fighting so fiercely against her own emotions.
“I have been working for years to defy those commands, you have no idea how much it hurts, you have no idea how hard it is. I managed to have my first heat this year and you dare to come here, to my house, and do this? Cry as much as you want to, it will never be good enough for me. I will never forgive you for what you did to me, and I will forgive you much less for what you did to my siblings. Stay away from my family and rot in your shame for all I care,” she said, not even one tear falling from her bloodshot red eyes.
Rengoku-san and all of them had been rendered speechless, what could they say? What could they do? Nothing, there was nothing they could do. Maybe an omega could comfort her but Zenitsu was not sure if Suki would accept the comfort from anybody and even if she did, all the present omegas seemed quite busy trying to sort their own emotions to try and help Suki.
The only person who she would have accepted anything from was probably Tomioka-san so Zenitsu looked at him instinctively. He had a complicated expression on his face, Zenitsu had never been able to read him and that had not changed from the last time he had glanced in his direction. Tomioka-san was looking at the omegas one by one, probably debating who needed his help more at the time. Zenitsu would have said that it was Suki but Tomioka-san seemed to think differently as he walked towards Aiko.
Since she had been silent for the whole time, Zenitsu had overlooked her but now that he was actually paying attention he noticed a couple of strange things going on with her: not speaking was probably one of them since Aiko seemed to be one of the most talkative children in the Water Estate.
Many of the rules that Tomioka-san had set in order to enter the Water Estate began to make sense in light of the information that Suki had given them: commanding scent and commanding voice being forbidden, rooms in which they would not be allowed, not touching the residents without their consent, not divulging information, forbidding violence, restricting raised voices, restricting alpha’s scents, and last but certainly no least, to tell Tomioka-san if any of the residents engaged in alarming behavior but not touching the children.
Yes, at the light of the new discoveries it made much more sense.