He was full of uncertainties, he had always been, he could not remember a time when he had not. He knew how to hide it well after so many years, but he had always been scared and doubtful; that was probably the reason he was so careful at the time to make decisions. Intuition alone had never been good enough of a reason for him to just lean on it, he needed to be sure, he needed to know that he was not putting his children in danger out of recklessness. Many lives depended on him.
Ubuyashiki Kagaya was weak in more ways than one after all, there was only one person who knew for sure about this weakness of his in particular and about all the other weaknesses that affected him in general. He had confessed it to her after almost breaking down under such pressure when they were still very young and Nichika and Hinaki were so little that he could carry them around one in each arm, before his extremities lost their strength… not that he had much strength before anyway.
Amane knew everything about him, she knew him gentle and she knew him furious, she knew him patient and she knew him uneasy, she knew him strict, stoic and serious and she knew him inexperienced, flustered and nervous. There was nothing that he was willing to hide from her, there was nothing about him that he would not tell her, that he would not show her because she had been his strength more times that he could count, she was his wife, his supporter, even his caregiver. He did not know where he would be if it were not for Amane and her caring ways, her patience, her calmness, her love… he would be probably dead.
There was one person who sensed his weakness or maybe knew about it in some instinctive kind of way that was not entirely rational but made him act accordingly, trying to shoulder a burden that did not belong to him; that knowledge, consciously or unconsciously made him hid his pain and his struggles and would make him show up only to help and never to bring yet another issue into a table that was overrun by problems.
Kagaya had everything to thank him for, he had saved Amane’s life when Kuina and Kanata were about to be born, he had saved all three of them from certain death and returned them safely and healthily to him when no one else seemed to be able to help, when all doctors had said that Amane would not survive childbirth and that neither Kanata nor Kuina would make it to this world alive.
Giyuu had followed orders without hesitance, without asking why, without complaining. He had taken as many missions as he was ordered to take, he had help with Muichiro, he was teaching Iguro, he had saved Kyojuro’s life after his unfortunate encounter with upper moon three and he had saved Senjuro and Genya from a terrible fate, he had adopted his daughters without neglecting any of his other tasks as a demon slayer and as a Hashira and without taking free time even when Kagaya had freely offered him whatever time he needed over and over again.
Giyuu would not take heat-week at home, he had not taken one in all the years as a Hashira and Kagaya was not sure if he had ever taken one even before that. It was worrying but he could not force Giyuu to take time off, he was not very comfortable with forcing Giyuu to do anything at all, he would ask nicely and Giyuu would usually be so very compliant but not in that issue in particular, he was never accommodating when it was about taking some weight off of his shoulders, never when it was about getting down his burden for someone else to carry it for even a minute, never when it was about tapping out to rest even for a single second. And Kagaya respected him too much to force him into it, he would offer and offer and advise him to take a break but he could not force anything on him, Giyuu was an omega and Kagaya would never impose himself over him be it by an alpha kind of command or as the Master. Giyuu was way more than just an omega or just the Water Hashira and Kagaya had the utmost respect for him.
There was one more person in his life that was observant and wise enough to suspect of Kagaya’s weaknesses and insecurities. He noticed every second of hesitation, no matter how minimal it was, he noticed even the slightest quiver of his hands and the almost imperceptible way his breath got caught in his throat when he decided to send a demon slayer to the location of a dangerous demon but never said a thing. And Kagaya was perfectly fine with it, the burden that his son would have to bear was not light, he had seen his own father buckle under its pressure and he did not want his child to suffer the same fate. Kiriya was going to have to shoulder that responsibility sooner rather than later but Kagaya was willing to go to any length to make sure that his child was ready, or at least as ready as he could possibly be.
This time Kagaya could not help but think that he had made the wrong decision. He was sure that not a single Hashira of this generation would betray the demon slayer corps but he had certainly overestimated their willingness to behave when he was not present. For as mature as they looked like when they fought demons, they were more immature than himself when he took the reins of the Ubuyashiki family and the demon slayer corps when it came to the way they interacted with each other.
He had mistaken their loyalty to him with the kind of behavior they would have while following his orders but he could not have been farther from the truth. They had a reckless way of doing things that did not extend only to killing demons that surprised him… and not in a good way.
Some of them would conduct themselves out of ignorance or out of a deep concern that he had not deemed as severe as they certainly were to some of them… and he had probably thought that they had a better relationship with one another than the one they actually had; Giyuu was well liked by the Ubuyashiki family but it seemed that he was not all that popular with the Hashira.
Kagaya-sama had also not been enlightened about the fact that ‘not popular’ seemed to translate to ‘not deserving of respect’ in the demon slayer’s opinion which was completely unacceptable. That was a concept that he was going to make sure to eradicate from the corps right then and there.
To be honest he had to admit than the ones he had been more nervous about had behaved outstandingly well, whatever had transpired between Giyuu and Sanemi had not been worse than one of their usual bickerings, or Sanemi’s bickerings because Giyuu had never engaged in one of them, but he had not been made aware of any complaints about the actions of the Wind Hashira, neither from Giyuu himself nor from any of the other guests. Uzui, on the other hand, seemed to have been able to control himself as well, no prodding trying to make ‘friends’ nor weird jokes and inappropriate touches which did not come as such a big surprise since the residents of the Water Estate were children but was a pleasant surprise nevertheless; and Inosuke had managed not to lit the Water Estate on fire, so he guessed that things had gone well on that front too.
But he had been worried the whole night after what he had gotten to know from Amane. He would have been lying if he said that he did not at least suspect there was more to Giyuu's usually demure and isolating attitude than he let on but he had never thought it was as bad as it seemed to be, judging from the insight Amane had thankfully given him.
Why had Giyuu not told him anything? Why was he always trying to deal with everything on his own? Kagaya-sama thought that he had stressed enough how much he cared for his children, so why would Giyuu think that he was not included? Why could he not trust him? To Giyuu’s credit though, he had never told him anything unless it was for the benefit of the Ubuyashiki family so he was not sure what else he could do to gain his trust.
That had to change though, he did not want any of his children suffering on their own and even when he knew that it probably was unobtainable, he wanted to try his best.
All of his children had a burden, they all came that way to him and he cared for them and loved them regardless of the way that burden looked like. Some came ridden by grief, some came wrapped up in shame, some came to him harassed by fear and some masquerade their burdens as anything else, as a bundle of many things that were so tightly wrapped that nobody could know what laid behind it, but they all were hurt. Some held themselves together with willpower alone, some came shattered in pieces and he had to try and put them back together in the best way he could.
But how could he help them if they did not share that burden with him? How could he help Giyuu if Giyuu did not want help? What was he doing wrong for his children not to share those things with him? Was he not reliable? Was he way too weak for them? To Giyuu he probably was, to Giyuu he probably had too much on his plate for him to put more so out of the goodness of his heart Giyuu served it in his own plate even if it was already overflowing.
All of his children already carried far more than their fair share for people their age, they carried with their past, with their traumas and with all the people they had been a second too late to save, the Hashira had an added layer of burdens that most young people could not deal with but they were shouldering their responsibilities amazingly well and Giyuu had even more responsibilities with his children, Iguro, dealing with his omega tendencies, going on missions, controlling his scent and using his powers while sorting his lies in order and being careful enough for nobody to know a thing.
Kagaya had done impressive things during his short life, he had taken care of the demon slayer corps when he was four years old, still ridden by grief once his father decided it was enough for him, he had sent people to their deaths and dealt with it on his own, he had been a father when other children his age did not even know how to function properly and he had hidden and carried many things on his own, in silence and secrecy, but he had had the support of his wife for a long time now.
The first years had been difficult to him, very very difficult and very very isolating but then Amane had arrived in his life and he had let go a little bit. All the hurt, the grief, the blame and the shame had been a burden they shouldered together. His weakening body, his extending condition and imminent death were things he did not have to deal with on his own, he was a pillar to the demon slayer corps and Amane was a pillar to him; she made him stronger than he actually was and he could not imagine himself doing it all on his own without buckling down like his father before him, so how was Giyuu doing it?
Judging from what Amane had told him, Giyuu was barely holding on and he had just handed him even more burdens to shoulder under the impression that sharing those responsibilities with the other Hashira would bring him some sort of relief, even if the relief was as little as he imagined Giyuu would probably let it be… in hindsight it had done the exact opposite by inviting them into his home, he had asked for too much, he had taken when Giyuu had nothing else to give and, as always before, Giyuu had given him more.
He had put Giyuu’s children in danger as soon as he allowed other people into the Water Estate, regardless of which rank they were, and all of them had a massive setback on their intricate road to recovery because of it. It was his fault, it was Kagaya’s fault because he had chosen a wrong turn, he had trusted too much in the stability of Kyojuro, he had misstepped and jeopardized Giyuu and his family’s safety.
As if that was not bad enough, the Hashira were one step closer to uncovering Giyuu's lies, and even if that was the ultimate goal, neither they nor Giyuu were ready for the truth to be revealed just yet. But that was not all, no, Kagaya would have to take some disciplinary actions against Kyojuro for his behavior in the Water Estate, actions that would ruffle some feathers among both the lower rank slayers of the corps and in the Rengoku family who had supported their cause for hundreds of years without asking for any kind of reward.
Ashes would fly from that fire, people would see the smoke rising and they would ask him questions that he could not answer.
But even then he could not, in good conscience, let Kyojuro’s actions be. He just could not. Letting it be, as some might be tempted to do to avoid the backlash and the trouble, would be, in essence, the same thing as to tell Senjuro that Kyojuro was just more important than him, it was telling Suki and Aiko that their suffering was not bad enough for him, it was telling Genya that if a higher ranking alpha tried to bite him against his wishes there was no justice to be had because the higher ranking demon slayer was worth more than him. He just could not do that, he could not ‘let it go’ because even if he did not care for Giyuu’s children, and he care a whole lot, Kyojuro had posed a threat to his fellow Hashira, he had been a threat to Obanai and Muichiro, he could have been a threat to Giyuu had he not been trained enough, had he not been fierce enough.
Kyojuro was sitting in front of him, he had told him the whole story from start to finish painting himself in the worst possible light. He was penitent and he regretted his decisions but it was a little bit too late for that, Kagaya could not ignore his actions, his repentance could help him change, if he allowed it, and perhaps he could win his brother's trust again one day but that did not depended on Kagaya, that was going to be all Kyojuro’s doing, but his repentance would not free him from the consequences that his actions had among the ranks of the demon slayers.
Silence stretched between them in one of the private rooms of the Ubuyashiki Estate, not even his daughters were there which proved to be a problem when communicating with a very reluctant to speak Giyuu but not with Kyojuro. Silence was probably more of a tell of how bad things were than a common occurrence when it came to the Flame Hashira.
“Ishida Ryo is no longer part of the demon slayer corps after what he did to Genya,” Kagaya said, trying to break the news to Kyojuro in the kinder way possible.
“Should I take it as I am going to be let go of the corps as well, Oyakata-sama?” he asked, his voice was not blooming as it usually was and Kagaya’s heart broke a little for him, he did not like it when his children hurt but it had to be done, Kyojuro had to be disciplined, there was no way out of it.
“That was my initial decision but Giyuu talked me out of it,” he replied, seriously.
Saying that Giyuu ‘talked’ him out of anything was technically a lie in whatever context he would be tempted to say it since Giyuu barely uttered a word but that was, in the end, what he had tried so hard to tell him that time in particular so Kagaya did not give too much mind to the way he communicated, just to the fact that he had done it, he had made himself be understood, whether it be with his words or through tapping ‘yes’ and ‘no’ answers into the back of his hands.
“Just like Ishida Ryo, I was going to let you go with a dishonorable discharge in hand not only because I deem respect in between omegas, alphas and betas one of the utmost important values of the corps in general and of my family in particular but also because your behavior affected not only your juniors but also your fellow Hashira. I can not have a Hashira that should be leading by example do something like this and expect the rest of the less ranking slayers to behave themselves differently. You disrespected Muichiro, Obanai, Giyuu and me as I was the one that asked Giyuu to trust all of you. You hurt his children, you hurt Sanemi’s brother, you hurt your own brother. You did not even wait to know some of them for more than a day before you hurt them. I can not look away from it, Kyojuro. Do you understand that?” he asked, genuinely disappointed.
“Yes, Master, I understand. And I am very sorry for the shame that my actions have brought you,” he replied.
“Giyuu proposed a different disciplinary action for you, he proposed to give you a choice,” Kagaya-sama said, “you can either retire from demon slaying quietly or you can be demoted to kinoe and lose your place as a Hashira,” he explained. “Giyuu did not agree with me about letting you go with a dishonorable discharge after all the good deeds you and your family accomplished over the years and he believes that his children, particularly your brother, are safe as long as you are not allowed anywhere near their proximity, decision by which I stand too. He believes that you are not a hazard to other demon slayers or society in general as soon as Senjuro is not close by so it is not the same situation as Ishida Ryo’s. Nonetheless your actions can not go unpunished and to give the rest of the corps an example you would be demoted unless you choose retirement. After the wounds you received after the fight with upper moon three that would also be a good choice,” Oyakata-sama offered. In his opinion Giyuu had too big of a heart to forgive Kyojuro after all the heartache he had called upon his house and his children. But Giyuu had never been one to hold a grudge so there was hardly any surprise there.
He was surprised, he really was. He was sure Tomioka was angry at him, he was sure Tomioka hated him with all his heart after all that had transpired at his home and Kyojuro would not have held it against him if he did… but no. He had hit his head against the wall again and again thinking that Tomioka was anything but one of the kindest people he had ever met.
There was absolutely no reason for Tomioka to forgive him or, even less, to advocate for him not to be let go with the dishonorable discharge he rightly deserved but he had done it nonetheless. Tomioka had saved his little brother, he had taken care of him, he had taken very good care of him, so why had Kyojuro acted as he had? Well he had had a very good explanation for that and even when that explanation stood tall and unfazed, he recognized that his actions might not have been the best ones to achieve his ultimate goal. His actions had actually been the exact opposite of what he should have done in the first place.
He had to change, he had finally arrived at that conclusion at the dead of night, or maybe before but he had accepted it by the time the first lights began to filter through the shoji paneled doors. He would not hurt his brother farther, he would not be a threat to Suki and Aiko, he would not be another one of those alphas that had hurt them so much in the past, he would be better, he could do better. He would not be that asshole any longer, he had brought enough suffering already.
He wanted to protect his brother, he had always wanted to keep him innocent and happy and safe but he had not done a very good job at achieving it. After his fight against upper moon three, Kyojuro had discovered just how frail he was, how weak he was, and he knew that he was not good enough to protect his brother from the evils of the world. Looked like he was not good enough to protect his brother from himself either.
Kyojuro had made many mistakes on the way, he had felt so unworthy that when he saw his little brother looking up at him with admiration he had felt like a fraud and had proceeded to ignore the worshiping hands that were lulling him back to health. He had hurt his little brother because he had not felt worthy of him and his care and that was all on him, that was all Kyojuro’s fault. At the end of the day he had done the same thing his father was doing and, as always, the one to pay the price had been Senjuro, sweet and patient Senjuro who would have stayed by his side no matter how bad he treated him, Senjuro who loved him even after all the pain he had forced him through.
Kyojuro was not worthy of his brother, he was sure of it, but he knew Senjuro still loved both him and his father, even after everything they had done, so the less he could do was to change, to be better, to be the best version of himself for the rest of his life and redeem himself to the best of his ability regardless of whether Senjuro would forgive him at some point of their life or not, regardless of whether Senjuro would want to have a relationship with him ever again or not.
“I will do as you wish, Oyakata-sama. My choice would be to be demoted and keep working for the corps, slaying demons and helping to the best of my abilities. If I have to make an example of myself so that the rest of the slayers do not make the same mistakes I did, I will take it with grace, but if you think it is better that I retire, then I shall do so quietly and discreetly,” he said. His head hung low, his shoulders hunched, discouraged, he was a mess of a person and he was sure he would continue being it for a while but he was ready to put in the work and if going through rock bottom for a while was what he had to do to learn, so be it.
Kyojuro had not slept the night before, he had cried late into the night, wishing he could turn back time. He cried desperately; an ugly kind of cry, a pointless pathetic and miserable kind of cry, full of hurt and helplessness and deep deep sorrow. He had done that to himself but he was still wailing because of it, like a little child after he had gotten the consequences of his own stupid, selfish actions.
But he was a man at the end of the day and he had to act accordingly taking accountability for his bad decisions when it was due so he had washed his face, taken a deep breath and steeled himself to endure whatever punishment Oyakata-sama deemed necessary… and Tomioka had decided to spare him from it out of the kindness of his heart.
He did not deserve it, he did not deserve Tomioka defending him when his own actions were the ones that had gotten him into trouble; Kyojuro had known what he had been doing, he knew it was against the rules, and he had decided to keep going regardless. Granted, he did not really know the damage he was doing because he had never witnessed the consequences but he had been warned of them beforehand and he had paid no heed to them.
So no, Kyojuro did not deserve that preferential treatment he was getting out of Oyakata-sama, he did not deserve the comforting back pats that Tengen had given him after the catastrophe that he had caused, he did not deserved the support that his friend had given him with that simple smile of his that meant ‘everything will be alright.’ The ones that deserved that support were the two girls he had hurt so badly, Senjuro whom he kept hurting over and over again, Genya that had been subjected to a command so shortly after almost being bitten, Iguro and Tokito who were good and respected Hashira, who had to deal with stupid alphas trying to claim them as theirs as if they were things one could buy at the market, who had to deal with lewd comments, nasty looks and malicious taunts about being the weak link and freaks of nature. God, even Tomioka deserved that support after the havoc he had called upon the Water Estate after only a few hours of being there and instead of hating him and asking for the worst possible punishment for his actions he had the kindness to ask Oyakata-sama to lessen his sentence.
He had considered Tomioka almost a friend in the past, he admired him a ton and looked up to him many times. He never thought that Tomioka wanted to be his friend back since he rarely replied to him when they spoke and he hardly managed to make him agree to spending some of their scarce free time together but he had a very new perspective now. Kyojuro had been simply a self centered asshole all that time, Tomioka had his kids to spend the little free time they had with and of course they took precedence over him but even then Tomioka had accepted to go out and eat with him and Mitsuri a good couple of times but Kyojuro was greedy, nothing was never enough for him, he always wanted more and more, he was selfish and greedy like a spoiled little child and he had not been grateful for his fellow Hashira’s efforts; instead he had accused him of anything he could because he had stolen his brother, as if the fact that Senjuro was still alive was not only thanks to Tomioka himself.
“If you rather stay in the corps as a kinoe you are welcome to do so, Kyojuro, and if you ever change your mind the other option will always be available to you. I will ask of you to keep everything you learned in the Water Estate to yourself, even the fact that there is a statute of secrecy over the Estate as a whole. I would also recommend following Giyuu’s advice, I am sure Senjuro will need some time to think and heal and I am also sure that he will reach out to you when he feels ready to do so. If you want to form a new relationship with your brother whenever that happens I would advise you to start working on yourself as soon as now,” the Master said.
He was very serious, his ever present smile was nowhere to be found in his face, but he was still kind, his voice was still calming and he had some kind of air around him that Kyojuro could not totally understand but he could feel: he was benevolent, like a father scolding his child after a very bad mistake; strict and severe but willing to forgive, ready to understand and listen; ready to impart whatever discipline was necessary but also to comfort him when the consequences of his actions weighed heavily on his heart.
“Is there something else that you have done that was against the rules that Giyuu either does not know of or has decided to let go so as not to make your situation worse?” Oyakata-sama asked, almost as if he knew, almost as if he could see through him to every little dirty secret, straight to his very core where he could not hide nor escape where all his faults and his shortcomings were exposed, ready for examination.
Kyojuro felt little, insignificant and bare in front of the Master’s unseeing eyes in a way he had never felt before, but he took a decision right then and there and he hoped it was the right decision. If Tomioka had given leeway to him, what would he not give the rest? He did not want to get anyone in trouble but it could be problematic and if Tomioka also downplayed it for Oyakata-sama it would not be beneficial to any of them. If the only repercussion he would have to face in the corps was to be demoted in rank after everything he had done, he highly doubted that any of his fellow Hashira would receive any kind of punishment beyond a stern lecture from Oyakata-sama.
“There is, Master,” he confessed and he confessed it all. He did not give any names, that was not his place, but someone had taken a book from the Water Estate without permission, they had seen a drawing of Tomioka with other kid that they did not knew and they all had listen to one of the entrances, the first one if he was not mistaken. The book was Tomioka’s, he was pretty sure of it, and he had been the one that had written the entrances. If he was to judge it was quite old and arguably very personal; not something they should have known about but he had done enough damage to Tomioka and his family and he did not want the rest of the Hashira to continue to hurt him in his absence, enough he had done already and he could not redeem himself shielding the Water Hashira from the bullying and the prooding of the rest so Oyakata-sama needed to know about it.
He was also under the impression that unless there was something significantly important about the statute of secrecy or what laid behind it Tomioka was not going to tell the Master about it but that was not fair to Tomioka, he was entitled to his privacy and they had broken that; Kyojuro in particular had broken more than just his privacy so the least he could do was to get the Master in the loop so he could make sure that Tomioka was well enough in his absence… though he would probably be better without his presence than with it.