It was a nightmare, it had to be, Giyuu would not have it any other way. His house was already a little bit too full of people as it was, he did not need any other addition… unless it was Muichiro, he could handle that. At the moment, both Genya and Iguro were three days deep into heat and he had barely been there to help them out. Thankfully they were making a lot of progress on their own, their masking abilities were efficient enough and they were able to exercise through the pain.
That did not mean that Giyuu felt confident taking Iguro out of the safety of the Water Estate all the way to the Ubuyashiki mansion for a Hashira meeting and it did not mean that Iguro felt confident doing it either. They had managed to form some kind of bond of trust between them, Iguro trusted that Giyuu would not hurt him in his vulnerability, that he would protect him if he ever needed protection, and Giyuu trusted in Iguro's willingness to keep his secrets secret, he trusted that he would not hurt his children on purpose. Their bond was weak and they both knew that something as simple as a slip would be enough reason to destroy that bond completely, so they were both especially careful with it.
Maybe that was the reason Obanai did not miss the meeting that morning and they both set to the Ubuyashiki Estate right after breakfast, leaving the kids on ‘scent management duty’.
“I should carry you,” Tomioka said a couple of minutes down the road.
Iguro was not in a good mood. He often was not, but that morning was special, that morning he was in a very special foul mood, probably because he had insisted on changing into his demon slayer uniform even when it was incredibly uncomfortable… even when Tomioka had advised otherwise.
“Shut the fuck up,” Obanai replied.
“Do you want to arrive on my back or do you prefer I carry you now and act as if it did not happen when we get closer to the rest of the Hashira?” Giyuu said, if he knew Iguro at least a little bit, he knew which option he was going to choose.
“Asshole,” Iguro replied, but he climbed on Giyuu's back and allowed him to carry his sorry ass for an hour and a half in complete silence.
There was a weird feeling that came to Obanai when Tomioka was around, an inexplicable urge to hit him in the face, to… to make him talk, to make him explain his thoughts, to… something. He refrained though, Tomioka was silent and that should be exactly what Iguro wanted even if somehow it was not, and Tomioka was literally carrying him all the way to the Hashira meeting so he could not, in good conscience, punch or hit him out of nowhere.
Truth was that Iguro was scared and Giyuu could tell, his masking skills were far from flawless and any strong emotion had the power to leak through the cracks. Giyuu was not ready though to the sudden wave of panicked Iguro scent that hit him square in the face as soon as Kyojuro’s and Uzui’s eyes focused on him and him alone as if he had just called them.
Giyuu watched the two alphas intently, they were fiercely fighting their instincts. They were certainly something to watch out for but by that time they were controlling themselves well enough, they were not a threat just yet… he could not say the same thing about Kanroji, she seemed to be at the end of the line, ready to snap.
“Do not wander off,” Giyuu whispered to Iguro. That was probably the only setting in which Giyuu could order a command and Iguro would obey with no questions whatsoever.
Tokito left Himejima talking to the air and wandered closer to them, like a moth attracted to light. He stood in front of them for a moment, silently looking at Obanai the same way he looked at the clouds. Even Kocho decided to stay away from Tomioka that morning, just to be sure she was not crossing over to Obanai’s famous and fatal bad side, but not Tokito; Tokito looked at the omega without a care in the world as if he knew, and somewhere deep inside himself he probably did, that Giyuu would never let anyone hurt him.
“There, there, safe and sound,” Sanemi’s voice said as something light was placed over Obanai’s shoulders. Sanemi’s scent washed over him and as much as he liked to deny it, the fear actually subsided.
“I fucking hate you,” Obanai mumbled, Sanemi’s taunting smile did nothing to help his mood improve, more of the opposite, but he closed his fist over Sanemi’s white haori to keep it as close to his body as he could nevertheless while Kanroji drilled holes in Sanemi just with the power of her gaze.
“The Master of the Mansion has arrived,” Hinaki and Nichika said at the same time. The movement was instantaneous and lasted no more than a blink, the Hashira formed a line in the courtyard, in front of the engawa, and prostrated themselves before Oyakata-sama.
The meeting had everything to be a long one and Giyuu was tired after dealing with his life lately. He did not remember the last time he had a full night sleep… or a full day sleep, he was not picky anymore. If Suki had not had a nightmare, Senjuro could not sleep. If Aiko had not had an episode, Genya felt restless, if Iguro did not writhe in pain, he had to kill some demons. He somehow managed to keep his eyes open and his body still, meanwhile his head wandered off until something in the conversation called his attention back to the present.
“Some of you might know that we had a situation a month back: Ishida Ryo attacked another Corps member. We had him under strict supervision and interviewed some of his past teammates and found that it is not the first time it happened,” Oyakata-sama said. Giyuu did not recognize the name but he was almost certain that they were talking about Genya’s attacker.
“What do you mean by ‘attack’, master?” Uzui asked.
“I mean that he tried to bite an omega Corps member without their consent, Tengen,” Ubuyashiki-sama replied, his customary smile was nowhere to be seen.
“Master, I did not have anyone coming into the Butterfly mansion complaining about a bite mark,” Shinobu contributed, shocked at the lack of medical care that the demon slayers seem to be used to and worried about the poor omega, hurt, alone and scared after an attack like that.
“Giyuu…” the master did not need to say much more to attract the attention of the Hashira to the Water Pilar.
“He is healthy now, the bite mark vanished completely…” He was actually going to explain further but was cut by Shinazugawa.
“He HAD a bite mark?” he asked. Giyuu was not sure if his anger was directed at him or at Ishida.
“Yes,” Giyuu deadpanned, not really sure what Shinazugawa was expecting him to say.
“May I ask since when do the wounded omegas go to Tomioka-san for help, Master?” Shinobu asked before Shinazugawa could actually rip Giyuu apart.
“When we found him he was in heat, neither Shinazugawa-san nor I could help him, so Tomioka-san took him to safety,” Mitsuri explained.
“What was an omega in heat doing all alone?” Rengoku asked.
“Contrary to popular belief, it is not our fault that some of you are unable to deal with your own problems and control your animalistic urges,” Iguro replied, angered at what he perceived as blame shifting towards Genya.
“It is of no help when Kocho gives kids the wrong dose,” Giyuu added, effectively silencing the courtyard.
“Ara ara, Tomioka-san, what do you mean by that?” Shinobu asked with her fake smile pulling tightly at her lips, offended.
“He was on heat suppressants already even before he had gone through the first year of heat and he was low on birth control so he suffered an induced heat with over-fertile properties,” he replied, almost as if he was reading it straight from a book.
“Birth control does not induce heats, Tomioka-san, that is a myth and I am a physician, I do not believe in myths,” she replied.
“If your research was done on omegas as a whole you would of course think it is a myth. Since it is a phenomenon that only occurs on male omegas you would not know about it unless you studied the subject thoroughly,” Tokito said, not even gracing her with a quick glance in her general direction, still looking up at the clouds. He took them all by surprise, not even Giyuu thought that he could remember that kind of thing.
As the first omega Giyuu had trained, Tokito was almost an experiment to him, an experiment that had been successful and painful in equal measures. He had educated Muichiro to the very best of his abilities, he had even explained how to choose the right dose for himself, how to run his own tests, everything to make sure he was safe, to make sure that nobody could give him misinformation or hurt him with their good intentions.
Passing down knowledge when it was not a practical task was immensely more difficult when Muichiro was at the receiving end because Giyuu knew he would forget no matter how many times he repeated himself. The physical tasks could be ingrained in the unconscious part of his brain, just like total concentration breathing: constant. Book knowledge could not be passed down in the same way but somehow Muichiro had been able to keep those things in his mind, maybe he did not know from where the knowledge came from but it was there and that was enough for Giyuu.
“Male omegas are almost a completely different type, Shinobu, things that work on female omegas can damage their male counterparts for the rest of their life and things that work for male omegas could kill the females. Unless you study them separately you would never be fair to the male omegas because they are rare so you will misdiagnose and mismedicate them,” the master said with a smile, trying and failing to calm down the dense atmosphere that had descended upon them.
“Are there studies about it or do I have to take it at face value? And where can I get that information from?” Shinobu asked, slightly hurt and genuinely interested in fixing her lack of knowledge in that regard. She was suddenly worried about how many male omegas she had been damaging without her knowledge. Thankfully, she had not treated that many of them but since male omegas were rare, it was probably a large percentage of them nevertheless.
“Every Water Hashira before me was a male omega, I have read everything they had to say,” Giyuu provided.
“May I read them, Tomioka-san?” she asked.
“He can compile the information but he can not give you their journals, they are part of the statute of secrecy that lays over the Water Estate,” the master said before Giyuu managed to make the situation even worse.
“Why? Why is there a statute of secrecy at all? We all have ‘secrets’ about our own breathing styles and special ways of doing it but we do not have statutes of secrecy over anything. Why is Water Breathing so important? For over two months I have not known where my brother even is… like physically, I have to trust in Tomioka’s word that he is fine but he could be dead for all I know,” Rengoku said, confused, angry and worried in equal measure.
Giyuu could understand his anger and his worry, he could not imagine himself not knowing anything about his kids, any of the five of them, but in part it was because of Rengoku himself. Nobody was stopping him from sending letters to Senjuro, no one was stopping him from sending a letter to Giyuu to meet his brother in some common place, in public, where Senjuro would not be subjected to his will or bullied by his brother to do something he did not wanted to do so Giyuu had little compassion to offer to him.
“I actually agree with Rengoku on this,” Kocho said, failing terribly to surprise Giyuu. Of course Kocho wanted to poke her nose into other people's business. “Even though I condemn the way he acted in the past, I believe that he has the right to know the location of his brother and that he also deserves to see him face to face, even if it is only under strict supervision so that he cannot use any kind of command on Senjuro, if that is the reason Tomioka-san has to hinder the meeting. The concept of family is very important to omegas, at least to female omegas, and Senjuro has always been very close to his family,” she said, and she had some good points. Had Senjuro not formed strong bonds with the rest of Giyuu’s children he would have been more insistent in the reconnection with Kyojuro, had Kyojuro been more forthcoming he would have insisted but the only one who seemed to be making an effort was Shinjuro and Shinjuro had been honored to see Senjuro and spend an afternoon with him and would probably do it again soon.
“I… I have actually seen Senjuro,” Mitsuri said, it was almost a whisper. She had never looked smaller, all scrunched up, shoulders covering her neck, brows slightly furrowed. She almost looked like she wanted to disappear behind Uzui.
“What? When?” Rengoku asked, his anger directed straight towards who had been his pupil not that long ago, betrayed.
“Two weeks after Tomioka took Senjuro in they came to visit me,” she replied, her eyes watering at the betrayed look Rengoku had on his face.
Iguro's snort interrupted the harassment that Mitsuri seemed to be about to receive.
“I have seen Senjuro today,” Iguro said, tired of the whole thing. He wanted to be in Tomioka’s home, comfortable in his yukata, reading his books or sitting around with the kids, watching Suki draw and Senjuro and Genya practice their fighting skills, listening to Aiko, eating Tomioka’s food, not in the Hashira meeting, being looked at and sniffed in an uncomfortable uniform that rubbed his sensitive skin and made him over heated.
“Today?” Everyone but Giyuu, Oyakata-sama and Sanemi seemed surprised.
“Yes, today, I am staying with Tomioka to learn to control my heat so I have seen Senjuro today and he is perfectly fine, Rengoku, I do not think you would recognize him if you see him, he actually smiles now,” he said, choosing to bully the Flame Hashira as soon as the possibility arose.
“So the statute of secrecy is a lie?” Uzui asked, everyone else seemed too stunned to speak.
“There is a statute of secrecy, I have to follow a fuck ton of rules and I do not know the location,” he clarified.
“Why can we not go?” Uzui asked again, curious and jealous as ever. Giyuu knew he was in trouble as soon as Mitsuri decided to open her mouth and he was not sure how would he or Oyakata-sama convince the rest of the Hashira that they did not needed to go in a field trip to the Water Estate, it was not that big of a thing.
What Giyuu failed to understand at that moment was that his life had become a nightmare somewhere down the line, someone up there had to be laughing their asses off looking at him because Giyuu was sure he was the butt of a very bad joke.
“If you all agree to follow the rules I do not see why you could not go too,” Oyakata-sama said and as most of them seemed ecstatic about the idea, Giyuu felt that the world had just crumbled around him.
“Oyakata-sama…” Giyuu’s voice was even softer than usual, he was not even sure if he was talking or just imagining it.
“I think it wise, Giyuu,” he replied even before he could issue his hesitancy. “What would happen if something happened to you, the kasugai crows would lead them there but they would not know what to do. I think it is high time you trust them a little bit,” Ubuyashiki-sama added.
“Iguro knows,” he mumbled, still unsure.
“And I am very proud of you for that,” the Master was fast to reply, “and that is also why I think you can trust the rest of your fellow Hashira. You can decide to put forward as many rules as you need to keep you and yours safe, they will not know the location and there will be severe consequences to whoever brakes even the most insignificant rule, but there are many things you will have to trust them with down the line and I think it is wise to start little,” he advised and, as always, Giyuu took the advice to heart.
He could say ‘no’ if he wanted, Oyakata-sama would not think less of him because of that, but he had decided to trust in Oyakata-sama many years ago and he had never regretted it so maybe it was time to leap before looking.
“Fine,” he finally said, not one bit convinced it was the right decision. “I need to send word that we are going, they need to prepare themselves,” Giyuu said, his mind already thinking of the rules he would impose.
“Tanjiro and his friends came with me, can they come too? They were fond of Senjuro and had been asking about him,” Rengoku interjected. Giyuu barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes.
“Fine.” Some of Iguro’s poison seeped into Giyuu’s voice. It was such a weird occurrence that they all seemed surprised, even Oyakata-sama looked a little worried, maybe regretting pressuring Giyuu too hard just a moment ago. “Bring them here so I can tell you the rules,” he added.
“Hinaki, send the crow,” Oyakata-sama said to one of his daughters who took her leave to give a heads up to the inhabitants of Giyuu’s home.
Tanjiro, Inosuke and Zenitsu arrived much faster than Giyuu would have wished. It was the first time Giyuu had seen Tanjiro since the day the boy chose Rengoku over him without a second thought, and even when he tried, and he tried really really hard, all the feelings from that day came back to him with double force so he decided not to look to where the boy was at all. He could NOT have an episode that day, he could NOT run away from it, he would NOT be SAFE even at home.
He needed a moment, he needed a moment to himself or he would implode in front of everyone.
“A moment,” he said, turning around and walking away. He could not even care that he was blatantly disrespecting the Master.
“Should I…” Tanjiro said, half statement, half question, not sure if he should follow Tomioka-san or not, looking from Zenitsu to Inosuke, from Shinobu to Rengoku, from Tomioka’s back to Oyakata-sama’s serene face.
“Give him a moment,” Oyakata-sama replied, his smile still soft in his face. “I asked a little too much a little too soon,” he added. For once, Inosuke did not make a mess, he observed the head of the demon slayer Corps with something akin to deep wander and profound respect.
Giyuu could not hear what was said after that and he could not muster the energy to care. Oyakata-sama was right, it was too much: too much noise, too many people, too much pressure. He plopped down near the lagoon, he could not do it, he could not speak in front of that many people, he could not take them home, he could not keep his cool, he could not protect his kids, he could not teach everyone at the same time, he could not act all the time anymore, he could not even control his own stupid breathing.
How much he wished he could just stop breathing at all, it would be so easy, so simple, so freeing… but he could not, he had people to take care of, he had to push through even if it felt impossible, he had to keep the words coming somehow, even if he did not know how, he needed to be the strongest version of himself for his kids, they would not see him like that, the Hashira would not see him like that, Tanjiro and his friends would not see him like that.
He tried to stop himself, he did not needed to be even weirder, but his hands acted on their own and by the time he noticed he had thirty little pebbles in a neat straight line in front of him, his mind running away with calculations of how many pebbles would he need to surround the lagoon in a neat row of white little pebbles as he carefully placed the forty-seventh little rock in the line.
He stopped himself as soon as he noticed what he was doing even when he knew that he was way calmer already. He hated the kind of things he engaged in when he was in one of those ‘moods’ and he hated even more when they helped, it was a clear reminder that he was broken, he was flawed, he was botched.
“Giyuu…” Amane’s voice brought him back the rest of the way. Giyuu pushed the little pebbles away, destroying the neat calming line they had been organized into in a stupid attempt to act ‘normal’. Amane pretended not to have noticed anything strange going on with the rocks, she did not even grace them with a look. “Kagaya-san sent Nichika to tell me to bring you this,” she said, carefully placing writing supplies in front of him. “Would you mind if I kept you company for a while?” she asked.
He liked Amane, she had a very calm presence and was able to keep quiet company. He never felt like she expected anything from him, not chatter or get some gain out of their interactions. They had spoken more than once regarding their children and Giyuu found in her parenting style many things he wished he could emulate to guide his children to independence and success.
So he nodded because words were a little too difficult at the time.
He did not feel so much at the edge anymore, he was sure he was not about to have an episode, that did not mean that everything was perfectly fine either, he still wanted to scratch his arms row to flick his mind out of his pity party. He hated every second of his self-centered, indulgent and attention seeking behaviors, why could he not be invisible, why did everyone insist on keeping him relevant when the only thing he wanted was to disappear? Why was he calling attention to himself with his eccentricities? Could he not be born normal? His scent as a male omega was already attention seeking enough, he did not need any other of his quirks.
The tips of his fingers were tingling again and Kyojuro’s voice was deafening even in the distance. Giyuu knew the meaning of all of it, he was heading straight to an episode and he did not want to have an episode in front of Amane, she did not need to worry about someone else, she had enough already with Oyakata-sama and their five children.
“Tell me five things you can see right now,” Amane said, her voice as calm as her husband’s and her eyes wandering around in the garden. Giyuu always appreciated not being looked at.
“A white round little pebble, a fluffy lump-shaped cloud, a middle age black kasugai crow with a purple scarf, a round dark green lilypad, an irregular thick beige stepping stone,” he answered, even though it took him a good amount of time to find five things he felt comfortable saying.
“Tell me four things you can hear,” she asked again, patient as if he were a child.
“The wind going through the leaves, the splashing of the koi fish in the lagoon, an uguisu singing from a wisteria tree, pebbles being crushed under someone's feet,” he replied, faster than with the previous assignment.
“Three things you can feel.” Amane continued to guide him, Giyuu was not stupid, he knew about that tecniche, he had never been good enough to do it on his own without the guidance of a second person though.
“The warmth of the sun, the weight of my haori, the tightness of my belt,” he replied, almost instantly, his eyes closed, trying to concentrate completely on Amane's assignments.
“Tell me two things you can smell,” she said again, her voice barely audible.
“Wisteria flowers, a bamboo forest” he replied. His breathing was back in his control and his heart had finally decided to calm down.
“And one thing you can taste,” she said, offering him some shoyu ame. It was not one of Giyuu’s favorites but he would take it; if Amane offered something to him he would have taken it even if he hated it.
“Shoyu ame,” he said, popping the hard candy into his mouth.
They stayed silent for a moment, Giyuu was actually enjoying his time for once, he was even enjoying Amane’s quiet presence which should not have been a surprise since he had always appreciated her input but was nonetheless.
“Thank you,” he said, always short on words. Amane smiled at him, just as gentle as her husband, and diverted her eyes towards the lagoon as if she was considering whether it would be wise or not to tell him what was on her mind. Maybe ponder if it would catapult him back to his panic stricken mood.
“Does he know?” she asked, finally making up her mind.
“I have never told him, not directly, but then again… there is only one thing I had to tell him without him already knowing or at least suspecting,” he replied, looking anywhere but Amane.
“He really cares about you, you know? He loves and hurts for every single one of you, he worries for you,” she said. Giyuu knew she was right and that everything she said was said with his best interest at heart, at the end of the day he was one of the only demon slayers who actually had some sort of friendship with Amane and probably the only friend Amane had apart from her husband.
“Both of you have too much to worry about already as it is, I do not want to be a hindrance, my job is to make your lifes a little easier, not the opposite,” he replied, laying out his feelings for her to see as bare as he could manage to put them.
“You would never be a hindrance for us, Giyuu,” she said, not missing a beat.
Giyuu had never heard her sound so bossy, she always kept her calm and showed her most gentle side. Not this time, Giyuu could guess from who had Kuina picked up her ways, Amane either felt comfortable enough around him to be herself, which Giyuu did not doubt for a second, or she felt actually quite affronted by his statement; if that was the case Giyuu would feel a little guilty.
“I would be dead were it not for you, Giyuu, had you not helped us when Kuina and Kanata came I would be dead. You did not have to reveal yourself, you were pretty safe before that but you took a chance to save my life. Neither Kagaya-san nor I forgot about it, you know? You are not just a demon slayer, you are also our friend and friends help each other out. You helped us, five years ago, and we want to help you too. You do not even have to ask for it, you just have to let us help, yes? Just think about that,” she said, her gentle tone restored and her simple smile back in her face. “May I tell him?” she asked.
Giyuu knew that it was mostly empty courtesy, she would tell Oyakata-sama whether he liked it or not, they did not keep secrets for one another but it was nice of her to ask either way, even when he had to say yes if he did not want to put a stone in their road so he nodded. He trusted Oyakata-sama even when it was difficult to follow his lead, even when it hurt and made it hard to breathe. He trusted Oyakata-sama, he trusted Amane so maybe he had to let them help.