First and foremost, I want to apologize to you all because I haven't been doing a great job at keeping up with my weekly posts. This feels like an excuse even as a type it- but my ADHD makes me believe I'm doing a lot and updating you on Buy Me A Coffee is always on my mind but WOW- it's been a whole month when I could have sworn I just emailed you last week.
EXCUSES OVER. Let me update you!!
I made one of the biggest choices of my life this past Monday. I "quit" acting. And I have a lot of thoughts about it. I mean, it just happened. I'm still grieving.
I have been working towards this goal since 2015 but I've been a performer my whole life. With dreams! Goals! Hollywood! But something in the last year has changed. I realized that this career is not in alignment with who I am at my core.
I still love acting, the craft of it. But the show business side of it? Man, that shit is rough. The "no's" and closed doors will chip away at your spirit. Because when you look at the auditions that you're receiving, you're thinking: Damn. This project sucks and I don't want to have anything to do with it!!
But you do the audition anyway. Reluctantly. But kind of with like this gusto of: Omg don't be ungrateful!! This an opportunity!! You would've killed to be auditioning the way you are now just a few years ago!!
And basically I gaslit myself into believing I could be an actor - with all of my morals intact - underneath this capitalistic hell scape that is the "business."
And the things I had to do? I have DEEP SHAME about it. When you're asked to be a "cave woman" for some Progressive insurance commercial- you're gonna do it. Your swinging a bat around making some weird ass howls and you're trying to convince yourself that this is what you've been DREAMING OF!!!! Listen. I've been the stereotype. I've put on "accented" English in Korean, Chinese, Japanese. (Which honestly? Racist af of me.) I've jumped out of boxes. I've been the girl to only have eyes for a man. Which- if you can gather anything about me by this point... this is not me. But I'd do it every time- feel like shit. Then carry about my day as if I didn't just pimp myself out to the system.
So in reality- I've been checked out for quite some time now. Because where I thought I would be making meaningful art, impact, emotion- was actually just commercial auditioning. Vapid, no passion, and incredibly humiliating. No hate to anyone who is a commercial actor - it's hard. And there's real skin in this game. I have been in the room with people who are undoubtedly WAY MORE TALENTED THAN I AM- and I would think to myself: Damn. Is (insert actor here) about to jump out of the box the same way I am? Wtf? Why? Do they have to do this too? Even at their level??????
So I called my team. And I told them I didn't want to do it anymore. And I was tossing and turning all night about it. I was panicking, sweats, woke up at least 6 times. Until finally it was 9 am and I just called. No emails- just a short text of: Hey, can you chat?
I was scared. I thought they were going to be so disappointed in me. I was expecting to hear: Well. This is fucked up, Hester. All the hours we've been into building something for you to give up? I wouldn't have signed you on if I thought you were a quitter.
But my reps were elated. (I'm getting teary eyed again revisiting our conversation as I type to you all.)
"Hester, I am so incredibly happy for you. If this community work is your passion, your calling- who am I to stop you? I think you should see whatever lies ahead of you because clearly, it's for you. But if you're ever ready to come back- I hope you'll call us and no one else. We're always going to be friends. The door is always open for you."
MANNNNNN. I SOBBED!!!! THEN THEY WERE WORRIED ABOUT ME!!!!!!!
"Hester! Are you ok?! Holy shit! If we knew how much anxiety you had over this... aww I just feel awful. Don't put this pressure on yourself. It's not healthy."
Love my team. They always had my back, why I thought this would be any different- I have no idea.
But once I was done with the call, did the grief sob, and hugged my boyfriend- I felt light. Literally, my spirit felt like it could soar. Then a sudden surge of: Ok. Time to get to work.
And that's when I made that video in my car about: Hey, follow me on YouTube. I'm gonna start making long form content.
This is a veryyyyyyy long winded way to ask you all to please subscribe to my YouTube channel. HAHAHAHA.
And if you have already, just know that I love you so very much. And without you- I wouldn't be able to do this or even have an ounce of the courage that I have now to go jump off the deep end. But you know what? I don't want something if it's easy.
My YouTube channel will consist of: Immigrant stories, highlighting invisible labor, and trying my best to display how we are connected far more by what ties us together than sets us apart. And of course, what I prep for on my vendor days, what coffee shops I'm sitting in, what mom and pop restaurant I'm heading to do eat in the corner and do some work. (I'm a solo diner. It's one of my greatest joys in life.)
Is this my longest post yet? Yes. Have I exposed too much? Perhaps. Am I afraid of it? Nah.
My Youtube is @hesterjeanlee. Love you all. Thank you thank you thank you. Link is below for ease! <3