CW: themes of abuse and neglect.
Recently I have realised that I do have an unhealthy relationship with food, using it to cope & comfort myself. Dopamine hits to feel “happy”, and all it’s done is make me unhealthy and miserable. That’s why I’m changing it.
My binge eating (undiagnosed) has become worse since the lockdown, from boredom to emotional coping it is something I reach for to comfort myself.
I think it comes from being neglected as a kid health & food-wise. along with other abuse. good food was used for happy occasions like birthdays.
I rarely had a proper meal growing up. My sisters and I had to eat snacks or go to my nannas for actual meals. Eating at a restaurant was a birthday treat.
Meals at home consisted of pot noodles or just chips, jacket potato once in a while.
My mum would buy herself food and not give us proper meals. We would even eat stale dry cereal without milk when she went out & left us for hours, mostly overnight.
Other things we found to eat were plain rice or stale poppadoms from the cupboards.
My dad would drink a lot and physically abuse us, even for crying and just give us crisps or toast. he would sit on the sofa & ignore us all night. or occasionally shout and hit us to leave him alone, we even got hit for crying.
Mcdonald's would be a special treat that we had once in a while, and I think I latched onto that happiness of junk food and brought it into the future. With being an adult, I have my own money and choices. I've never had therapy for my abuse or childhood trauma. Which leads to this unhealthy coping mechanism.
The NHS mental health service couldn't help me, I would have to pay for private therapy which isn't on the cards anytime soon. So taking back control with healthier meals and a better relationship with food will have to do for now.
Hannah x