The day I realised that my mother’s love was conditional was beyond heartbreaking. I’ve known for years but my world truly fell over the day she chose my father over me. Aren’t children always supposed to come first no matter how old they are? Part of me believed we weren’t ‘those people’. How subconsciously arrogant we can be, huh?
My father has never loved anyone but himself, and without missing a beat he managed to ruin the lives of others, especially his nearest. That’s what narcissists do.
Realising that my child self was right - I have to stop the cycle and never have children. This gene pool must end, and this is the only way to do it. It was suddenly a fixed point that had been floating slightly beforehand.
It’s likely horrible to say. but my siblings haven’t had children either. And it’s probably for the best. That’s also probably where I should leave it.
“I think the apple's rotten right to the core /
From all the things passed down /
From all the apples coming before /
I split the apple down symmetrical lines /
And what I find is kinda scary…”
Apple - Charli XCX
It’s very scary, but I’m past that. That rotten apple has been festering for years slightly out of view, where it’s safe.
It’s a daily struggle to survive with illness and normalised abuse/neglect, while striving to not become the people who never wanted you to be your best because they never could.
It’s even worse to find that people like other family members , supposed friends, government services, etc are quite happy to leave you where you are. People generally just feel sorry for you. But you aren’t their problem. You aren’t family. Their tree. You aren’t their apple, no matter how polished you can be.
I hope I can live free again soon. That seemingly brief taste of freedom I had away from this ‘rotten apple’ was golden, even though it probably seemed like nothing special to someone who was always loved, well, and free. I’ve suffered long enough.
Hope has never led me far. But maybe this time the apple will rot entirely, so this tree may grow.
-Sep 2024