It seems disability has not been able to beat out of me my desire to be the girl who has it all.
Figuring out how I am going to balance being IC and poly during a pandemic was already very hard but now that I have to add in the complexity of also being much more disabled -and- I am in uncharted waters.
I don't think I have it in me to close myself off to the possibility of love and meaningful connections and my desire to explore them. I am a closet hopeless romantic and came to terms with this a long time ago.
How does trying to date safely look in my situation at my ability level? I don't know yet. I think it's going to be an experience through which I learn a lot. (Can anyone fill me in on the etiquette of online flirting and when is appropriate to knowledge that flirting has occurred? Thanks!)
I do know that I still want all the same things I've always wanted from life even if they are even more farfetched dreams than they ever were before. Love, a family, and a forever home for my soul. A place to let my roots down and grow without the fear of having to start over again when my disability stops being novel and starts feeling permanent.
Before Long Covid, I had leaned more toward putting my professional and creative goals first but now I am not sure when I will be able to resume pursuing those- so maybe this is the time to start putting the person first and following my heart for once.
I was also into a whole lot of stuff that I never really found resonated with the poly community around me. Turns out a literal turd in a punch bowl might have been a more popular take than "I am poly and also into marriage and family because I am here to build a life with the people I love" was.
I remain undeterred and hopeful in all things.
"For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love."- Carl Sagan
Maybe it will lead me someplace better.
Someplace where it's safe to rest my head and watch the stars for a while.
This unwavering belief that I am worthy of love despite disability feels like an act of rebellion.
It is but I think that says more about our society than it does about me.