Comperison and jealousy, not just two si ...

Comperison and jealousy, not just two sides of the same coin.

Jul 25, 2022

What is comperison? It is finding joy in the happiness of others. Usually in a romantic context (but why limit yourself sprinkle that stuff everywhere). It is also usually framed as the opposite of jealousy but I am not sure I agree with that.

Why do I enjoy comperison? The short answer: positive emotional feedback loops rock if you want experience more joy. The slightly longer but still too brief to cover it all answer: because I love the people I love and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy knowing that they are being loved well for being the person I love.

It also gives me a deeper appreciation and affection for my metas. People who enrich the lives of people I love are in my opinion - doing the lords work and I want to support them in that however works best for them. We all get to be on the same team to love and support our people. (I have been very lucky with metas and I know that is not everyone's experience. If it's not you don't have to water dead plants).

Is it easy to feel compersion? Well that varies from person to person and I might be pretty unqualified to answer that for you since I don't live your feelings, you do. Not everyone who is poly will experience compersion easily or at all and that's okay. Poly without compersion is valid.

I know for me it is almost reflexive and I am much more likely to feel compersion then jealousy. I don't remember a time it was not easy to access. I do know that I have gone from it being pretty easy to my default reaction the more I sit with those feeling when they happen. If that's because of practice or just personal growth I can't tell you but I can tell you that letting yourself feel joy probably isn't the worst thing you can spend your time doing. I, in fact, want you to have as much joy and love in life as possible.

Sometimes my comperison is self serving. I like being right. I also only date people I think are amazing and I am very attracted to. My metas agree with me and you know what you only need the tiniest speck of common ground with someone to strike up a friendship. Some of my closest and dearest friends started as metas. Comperison can help your team be stronger and more resilient vs. Life.

Because jealousy and comperison are so often considered to be oppositional I think it would be a mistake to discuss one without the other.

Developing your ability to experience compression can actually help make jealousy less of a disruptive negative experience and help it become a tool you can use to identify when you have something that needs to be addressed.

Think of jealousy as an internal red flag you are giving yourself. When this happens it's time to check in with yourself.

In my experience jealousy comes either from an internal source or an external source. Neither one is easy or fun to deal with but it's worth it.

When it's coming from my own insecurities I take this as a sign to stop and address what I am struggling with. Journaling, learning a new skill, building something, or talking to my therapist are the tools that work best for me. Your you so your tool kit might look different.

When it's an external source for me it means that my partner is doing something that makes me feel like the relationship is not secure. Depending on the situation sometimes all it needs to be resolved is a quick check-in conversation so everyone can communicate any stress or unmet needs. Other times I've had to recognize that the relationship felt insecure because my partner not respecting me or our relationship or their relationship with my meta(s) and I deserve to be safe, respected, and secure in my relationships. (he was cheating on us and several other people we didn't know about and other worse things related to NPD abuse. We are all friends now and it's an epic tale of justice I will write about later.)

I realize that my experience of jealousy is probably different from other people's in a way that might not be relatable but if any of this helps you build more joy into your life and relationships then I am happy for you. No, really I am very happy for you.

If I can't be happy for myself right now I can almost always be happy for someone else.

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