Hey, My name is Helena(or Helen) but most of you know me as Gunazy.
I was born in a small town, a poor family, and my parents never thought that their daughter will make the most stupid decision in her life.
-Helen said she wants to be a musician - Said a mom of 7 y.o old me.
-No, she won't make it. We are poor, she is talentless. This is ridiculous. - Said my father.
Well, I started to study music by my own.
My parents were so loud, sometimes they hated each other and I didn't see them for months. I didn't have close friends, brother or sister, so most of the time I spent my day alone, reading books, singing or spending time with my grandma when she was home.
I made my first song when I was 6, It was about the "F" grade i got in school. I was so frustrated and cried alot.
Near that age I was diagnosed with ADHD, but my mom refuse to believe in it :D
Later, my parents got divorced, I drop out from 3 colleges and started to work when I was 18.
I thought that I'm just a talentless piece of sht. I cried every night because I couldn't synthesize drums, couldn't make good melodies, couldn't sing properly. I was a 21 y.o mess, a tired ghost of myself, a depressed skinny b with a screwed up - traumatized brain. I wasn't an extroverted or self-confident person at this moment. I worked alot to survive, sometimes I coudn't afford a food or clothes for myself :D Music kept me alive, It always was my biggest source of energy. If not music I think I would not be here alive right now.
When I was 22 I moved to Moscow, (I was born in Russia, but I have an Ukrainian/Polish and Baltic blood) started to play sets, find alot of friends who had the same musical taste. Music became my obsession. I worked day and night, learned how to dj, how to work with massive, how to make my music more professional-sounding.
At 24 I was diagnosed with mental breakdown and severe depression. I had the hardest panic attacks in my life, derealization and depersonalization syndrome for almost a year. I don't remember this year of my life, don't remember the next year also. All I remember is - never ending fear, legs that can't move, and an endless pain in my chest. I physically couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I wasn't here at all.
Nine different pills every day. One name changes another, doctors also changes. One diagnosis changes another in a row. Blackouts and bulimia as a side effects of psychotics.(There were so many of them!) 3 years without music, with no light, no soul.
Abusive relationships. Escape. s**ual trauma. Recovery. Now I'm afraid when men come from behind.
New home, new relationships, new job (after years of pills and home-staying lifestyle).
At 27 I slowly started to recover. I looked back on my music and cried...will I be able to make music again? I lost it?
I took almost a year to remember who I am. I started to work hard, make more and more things that reminds me who I am every day. And yes, when I was 27 I started to create again. I fell in love with EDM and Metal, now I remember everything.
Now I'm almost 29, world is going crazy, everything is so cold, people hates each other...but you know what? I believe in miracle, I believe in a power of love and art. I'm so glad I survived this mental hell, I'm so lucky because I do what I do
I won't stop making music, no matter what. I will always follow my dreams, nothing can brake me.
Thank you for staying with me <3