Before I record this one here is a look at my musings, ideas, and thought process before it becomes a solo Podcast! Love you guys! Are you loving this content? Are you reading these emails?! Feedback is always welcome!
Why I Stopped Saying "I'm Sorry"
In my experience, everything is a miracle or nothing is. This perspective has profoundly reshaped how I navigate my interactions and relationships, especially concerning the word "sorry."
What is the Weight of "I'm Sorry?"
The phrase "I'm sorry" is often used as a reflex, a habitual utterance that springs forth in moments of discomfort, inconvenience, or perceived wrongdoing.
Can you Spot-check this and keep a running tally of how many times you habitually use the word in a 24-hour period? I am always amazed when I ask friends to consider their usage, and it tops 30-50 times a day.
*Remember, the brain runs a majority of its processing power on the subconscious, and this program or default mode is powerful.
While it's essential to acknowledge when we've genuinely hurt someone, overusing "I'm sorry" can dilute its meaning and impact. More importantly, it can inadvertently reinforce the idea that suffering and pain are to be avoided at all costs or that you are small, insignificant, and undeserving of space.
My female high-performance coaches often reflect on how frequently women overuse the phrase "I'm sorry" for simply existing in a space, sitting down at a table in the wrong chair, making a noise with a coffee cup, and speaking out of turn.
Suffering as Medicine for Growth
In my journey, I’ve come to see suffering not as a punishment but as a potent catalyst for growth. Each challenge, each moment of pain, holds within it the seeds of transformation. Excessive sorries might unintentionally communicate that these experiences are solely negative, something to be shunned rather than embraced.
For instance:: Cancer is the best thing that has ever happened to me; without it, The riches- The Gold like opportunities to empower and educate, to better know my body would not be here, thirst for understanding the human bioterrain, because I need to, because I had to.. would never have been called in.
So, as harsh as that sounds in context: I don't want you sorry for my pain. I love my chemo, my RPLND, my five additional surgeries, and the time spent in deep fatigue.
This context and coloring allow for a depth of gratitude for today's coffee that you will never know.
Each bowel movement is a gentle walk a meandering in heaven and every sunset gives me the appreciation of peaking at Mt. Everest.
So for me, I want to repeat, for ME, Believing that everything is a miracle means recognizing that every experience, joyful or painful and heartbreaking, has intrinsic value.
When we say "I'm sorry" too often, we may be subtly suggesting that the difficult moments are devoid of this miraculous quality. Instead, I've learned to honor these experiences, understanding that they are essential parts of the human journey. And I don't want to wish away parts of the journey, it's so short already.
Robbing Others of Growth
When we apologize excessively, we may rob others of their opportunity to confront and grow from their suffering. Does that make sense? It's possible I'm sorry is the subtle cue that allows your friend to submit to the victim position. " That's right, I'm also sorry this happened to me...it is an unfair world, in which I'm getting shit on."
Am I sorry your relationship failed? Or am I proud you broke the chains in your third partnership with abusive tendencies and now don't live with a narcissist?
Am I sorry about that partial Achilles tendon sprain? Or am I hopeful you see running marathon training on five hours of sleep and pushing through fatigue allows you to rethink the longevity aspects of physical fitness concepts?
Am I sorry you lost your job you hated anyway? Or am I excited and hopeful you find something that truly fills your soul and partner with a company that understands the value you bring to the workplace?
It’s a delicate balance between empathy and empowerment. All I am saying is...By not immediately defaulting to "I'm sorry," we allow others the space to experience their pain...fully, to process it, and ultimately to transform through the pain, with the integration into their worldview.
A Shift in Perspective
So Instead of saying "I'm sorry," I now strive to express understanding, support, encouragement, and empowerment.
Phrases like:
"I understand this is difficult"
"I'm here for you"
I join with you in this painful moment and want you to know I love you. Please let me know how I can support you.
I see you. I see your pain. I am holding you in love as you process this.
These convey empathy without undermining the value, the medicine, of the experience. Let me read that again.
This subtle shift in language not only respects the person's journey but also reinforces the idea that every moment, every challenge, is a step towards greater growth and understanding.
This is not dissimilar to any other hormetic stressor within the body.
For me: Those 10-pound weights will never draitically really grow my biceps. It's when I push the weight beyond my capacity to generate six to seven full curls which, week after week, stimulates the response in my nervous system to build a stronger muscle to achieve the work.
I am training, through the process of entrainment.
Conclusion
ISo n a world where everything is a miracle OR nothing is, I've chosen to see the miraculous in every experience.
By reframing how and when I say "I'm sorry," I honor the profound growth that comes from suffering and allow others the space to do the same.
This change has deepened my connections and fostered a greater sense of resilience and appreciation for the intricate tapestry of life. For me, I can feel deeper and bring more compassion to the table, and what I've witnessed is a better quality ride on the planet.
I hope you'll explore, examine, and see if this concept may benefit you in a similar fashion!
Love you so much-