I performed an act of self-love today.
I made breakfast.
It took conscious effort and decision. It was important.
Let me back things up. Late morning. I was walking around the house naked. It’s warm, and sometimes I just don’t bother with clothes when I’m home. So there I was, doing the usual day-off stuff, and I passed by a mirror. I caught sight of my reflection and… I was not kind to myself. A lot of thoughts passed rapid-fire through my head, none of them reasonable or respectful.
I carried those thoughts with me as I continued to work around the house. Not super consciously, but also not doing any particular work to stop them swirling and taking over. And then, as I was considering my hunger and what to eat for breakfast, I thought “Maybe I should just skip eating since I look so bad.”
That thought stopped me in my tracks.
The rest of the self-loathing had been quiet, insidious almost, but this thought was a huge red flag. Since I’ve been doing a lot of work on my thought patterns and behaviors, I could not allow myself to ignore that red flag and follow through with the toxic thought.
The first step to change is recognizing and acknowledging what needs changed.
So I performed an act of self love. I made breakfast.
Conscious reframing of subconscious thought patterns. What would I tell a loved one if they expressed that same thought to me? I certainly wouldn’t say, “No, definitely don’t eat breakfast, that's a super good idea.” I would say, “Regardless of how you feel about yourself today, your body needs nourishment and you deserve to fuel the vessel that carries you through every day.”
That’s what I said to myself. It is literally a separation in my mind – talking to myself like I’m talking to someone else.
So I made the protein pancakes, and I enjoyed them. My body carries me through every day, no matter the challenges I face, and deserves to be fueled and treated with respect.
Just saying to myself, “You deserve to eat” wasn’t enough to reverse the negative headspace I had entered and dwelled in. As I prepared to shower, I couldn’t help but stare at my reflection and pick out the parts that I didn’t like (it was a long list). I caught myself in the act – and I chose not to engage with where my brain was taking me.
Instead of pinching at love handles and pulling back the flesh above my knee to make it look slimmer, I began to run my hands over my body like I was feeling the body of a loved one. I do not mean that sexually – although you certainly could, and should, enjoy yourself sexually in a reverent and respectful manner. What I mean is – as my fingers grazed my skin, my shoulders, my back, my stomach, my hips and love handles and thighs and calves, I felt myself as if I was feeling someone I loved. Imagine how you feel when you run your fingers down the arm of your partner, when you hug your friend or mother, when you squeeze your lover’s hand, when you run your hands down your dog's back. Appreciating the flesh and the muscle and the softness and the quiet beauty that is a living body. Loving the body because it carries with it a being that you love. I closed my eyes and let my fingertips run over, up and down, feeling the gentle pulse and rough patches and squishy bits and underlying muscle, feeling like I was worshipping, and when I opened my eyes, things were a little different.
I’m not claiming that I cured my body image (“Doctors hate her! Do this one crazy trick every day to literally CURE body dysmorphia”). I did help myself, though, which is a huge improvement from how I treated myself a couple years ago.
I encourage you to try to reframe a toxic thought next time you have one. It doesn't have to be body image related, and you don't have to take big dramatic steps to do something effective. Even a tiny change, reframing one thought, can help foster a healthier relationship with yourself, your loved ones, or even complete strangers.