I made a cup of tea last night. I warmed the water until little bubbles rose from the bottom of the pan. I gently poured some into a big, cute mug. It steeped while I prepared dinner, and I sipped on it while dinner cooked.
That act, in itself, does not appear to be a particularly exciting or meaningful event. It was simple, a gentle activity I did after a long day at work. It was only later that evening, while reflecting on my day by writing in my journal, did I realize the significance of what I had done.
Tea is a food that I have a long, strange relationship with. I've drank gallons of tea for medicinal purposes, to ease a sore throat or settle an upset stomach. I've drank tea with loved ones, sitting for a cup while I enjoy conversation with them. But in my mind, the feelings that I associated with tea were not healing or postive.
Through my adult life and my tumultuous relationship with food, and body image, I had often turned to a cup of tea to "stop a craving", or replace a snack, or to supplement the restrictive diet and exercise routine I was doing at the time. Many afternoons and evenings I had made a cup of some sort of "slimming" tea, denying myself any sort of additional calories. Never did I make a cup of tea with the intention of sitting down with myself and enjoying the experience.
So in my mind, I immediately felt guilt wash over me when making a cup of tea, or even when I thought about drinking tea. Anxiety would sit heavy in my stomach. I would choke down an icky feeling, thick and unpleasant, with every swallow. I had trained my brain to associate tea with all those feelings that went along with my struggle with body image and my unhealthy relationship with food.
I don't remember the last time I made a cup of tea. I have not been consciously trying to alter this specific behavior-emotion connection. Something I have been doing though, is working to improve my relationship with food.
I have deliberately made changes to the words I say, how I talk about and even think about food. I no longer say "this food is bad, but that one is good", or "I'm being so bad right now by eating this". Prescribing moral value to my foods was creating unconscious connections, giving certain things negative associations. It was perpetuating my disordered relationship with food, with myself, with body image. Changing how I spoke about things, in my head and out loud, started to break those connections down.
I stopped completely omitting any particular food from my diet, and started giving myself more grace. Understanding that some foods are more nutritious choices, while others are less nutrient dense, but both have their place in my diet. I listened to my body, how it reacts to foods, and I listened to my mind. Sometimes a food choice is as much for my mental state as it is physical. I may be absolutely craving a hearty, protein filled sandwich, or a gooey brownie. I am listening to my needs, and beginning to understand them.
I started allowing myself to enjoy foods, really tasting the flavors, savoring each texture. Instead of saying a hard "no!" to a particular food, I allow anything I want and (usually) eat appropriate portions of whatever it is. I've been working very hard to foster a more loving, understanding relationship with myself and how I view food.
And then, one night, I made myself a cup of tea. Because I wanted to. I wanted a warm, soothing beverage, I wanted the taste of berries and mint. I wanted the tendrils of steam to carry soft scents up to my nose. I enjoyed the entire experience, from preparing the cup to the last sip. I didn't feel guilt, or sick and anxious.
I can't wait to drink a cup of tea tonight.