The Cognitive and Emotional Landscape

The Cognitive and Emotional Landscape

Apr 15, 2023

Relationships for me are about growth. I want to talk about facing myself. Different. From the past. From the present. From the future.

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Because how often, when we encounter ourselves, we recoil, we are afraid of ourselves. Of ourselves. Simply because the former self evokes contradictory or negative feelings. Because longing: the way I was, I can no longer be. Because shame for ourselves, for our helplessness and for our decisions or indecision.

Sometimes we face ourselves from the future. But our old fears and demons call us away, draw us, do not give up the already known and so clear experience. And we coward, we are afraid of losing stability and balance, of not taking this most important step, of refusing a new experience. Better such stability — bad, but understandable — than the unknown and risk.

What if we go on a date with ourselves? Date. A real date, in the best tradition. Flipping through a dating app and bumping into yourself! Which way do you swipe, right or left, when you meet yourself?

Imagine to the right.

Lick.

And so you opened the book to meet yourself. Maybe you’ve been preparing, waiting for this date. Or you opened at random on any page and immersed yourself in your world. Or you just bought yourself a copy and took the risk, not knowing what was going to happen here. And here you are.
Who swiped right? Who came here out of interest? Out of curiosity? On a blind date with yourself.

What if you swiped left? Didn’t give yourself a chance? Swiped? Or — even worse — missed it, made a mistake, looked at the haircut, the weight, the height, the silly background in the photo, decided the context was wrong. Or maybe you’re just in a bad mood, and you’re flipping everyone to the left. And yourself, too. How does it feel not to get a chance at yourself? Not to see yourself, not to discern? Are you not a match for yourself?

There are many questions, and they will do anything to get you closer to yourself.

Why have we been told so much about relationships with others — in school, in family, with friends — but no one has told us how important it is to get along with yourself. Hell.

I lived in hell with myself for years, dreading my demons and mummies from the past, not knowing what a relationship was, and betraying myself. I won’t ask you now if this condition is familiar to you. I know it is.

Think of how you go on dates with others. And on a date with yourself? Why without ease and interest and curiosity and a desire to decide you want to see again?

What if you extend the phase of getting to know yourself over the years? After all, you change, too. Every day. There, inside yourself. Experiences and situations, people and feelings, decisions and opportunities — the ones you missed and the ones you took — change. Victories and defeats change.

I remember being prompted to therapy by a phrase from a colleague. She threw it between the door and the jamb, in passing: “Irina, you are so intransigent.”

Irreconcilable.

So soberingly transparent and precise. I was irreconcilable within myself. Cold war for years. And I didn’t see it. Or didn’t want to see it, or maybe I wasn’t ready. And then I stopped. Took a closer look. Started to take it in. It got uncomfortable. A blockage. It’s when there’s hunger and emptiness inside. Death and loss. All with no glimmer of hope and no chance of survival.

Do I have an evacuation plan?

No. I’m not ready for the truth.

It’s hard. And you literally explode inside. And millions of little shards hurt you and everyone around you. Everyone. Everyone. You declare war on yourself and you stand unarmed. You can’t dodge, you can’t defend yourself. Nor attack.
A date with yourself.
Through the years.
Stretch out and live that relationship.
Get in there and stay in there.
Not to swear fidelity and eternal love to yourself.
Much more important is respect for yourself and cherishing yourself.
To yourself.
There is no enemy.

I think that’s the worst thing about the reenactment we live through — playing back old scenes in a new context — when the people around us have no idea that we’ve invited them onto the battlefield and given them no weapons, no supplies, no map of the city.
There is no enemy. And the enemy is seen in everyone. We transfer our vision to loved ones and friends, to co-workers and spouses, to children and parents. Confrontation with ourselves has no age. Irreconcilability has no expiration date.

That we meet here, on the same page, is an indicator of supreme courage, bravery, and fortitude. Some of us are on our way out of intransigence. Some have already healed from their wounds. Some are still saving themselves. I am always in favor of self-care. And unwavering benevolence. Forgive myself, forgive myself. Forgive myself and the idealized picture of myself. Allow myself to get to know myself — wounded.

It is impossible to continue to ignore that our needs have changed. That we no longer need to survive — to survive with ourselves. We can breathe. With a full chest. And worry just because one’s breath is captured by emotion about oneself.

I want to talk about mental health. Psychotherapy relies on the fact that we come into this world eager to live and with a crystal clear, healthy, clear mind. We grow up in a certain environment, and we are influenced by a lot of factors. And it deforms something very important inside of us, we see ourselves as different. Over time, we change, we begin to protect ourselves, we learn not only how to create, but also how to destroy. But the healthy part doesn’t die, doesn’t fall asleep, doesn’t run away. It’s there. And even if it’s one percent of our psyche, that one percent is enough. Why are we always so busy with the 99% that we ignore that same healthy percentage and don’t work on it, don’t value it, don’t build it up? Why do we flush it to the left?

For me, a relationship with myself is an exploration of myself. An interest in myself. It’s the difference between interaction and relationship. Interaction is action: “fetch,” “give,” “give. Relationship is about growth: tending to the relationship of self as if it were a beloved thing.

After respect and reverence, the next item for me is uncompromising. In my opinion, this is far more interesting than intransigence. And uncompromising is a consequence of respecting and being true to yourself. It’s when your life is not a Turkish bazaar, where sells and buys are regulated by changing agreements over a short period of time, but when your word has weight, price, meaning, value. Your word to yourself. Sometimes given without prejudice to others, sometimes without regard to others. But what do others care about us if we are unfaithful to ourselves? Once again, demons come to the scene. And again we disappear.
And also, it is impossible to build a relationship with another without being in a relationship with ourselves. You see, there will be no one and no one to build with.

What is it like to be seen by yourself? To be your own rear and ally, to be your own helper, mentor and mentor, to be your own friend and companion? I really want you to take the three most valuable thoughts from this book. Valuable for building a foundation or strengthening your relationship with yourself.

There are many exercises here to help you formulate questions, find your answers, and take notes. (We recommend the use of a notebook to work through the exercises and answer the assignment questions. — Note ed. of the electronic version of the book). When we fall and get to the depths, to the bottom of ourselves, what do we see? What is stored there? What are we hiding from others in this way?

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