Depreciation is the other side of idealization and extends both ways: to oneself and to others. Yes, the narcissist is very gifted at devaluation. Just as he is in idealization. And that, by the way, would be an ongoing therapeutic task: to bring him back to reality — to make the picture complete. To show where in devaluation there is value hiding and where in idealizations there may be limitations. A very fascinating quest, I tell you.
Once upon a time there was a Little Narcissist.
At first she was very ashamed and afraid of how people saw and evaluated her. And then she decided that she shouldn’t care. And she found the perfect way.
“We’ll see who devalues who up front.”
And so she lives. Not knowing who’s looking at her or what he sees in her. Because she’s above all these opinions of yours.
You’ve probably figured out by now that where other people live out the reality of relationships with each other, the narcissist does it within himself and alone. He will evaluate you, idealize you, devalue you, arrogantly pull you out of his inner “trash can” and deign to enter into a relationship with you again. And again mentally. His task is not to give you so much power over the contact that you have the opportunity to reject it, leave it or leave at will. He will endlessly calculate points and percentages for you or withdraw them from you, keeping your balance for himself inside. So that you don’t become too important and valuable. There is a lot of power in this for the narcissist, which means losing your own image and independence.
A narcissistic relationship is first and foremost a fence that the narcissist puts up for his urges. He stops his desires for the other person by actually controlling the whole process. He won’t let the other person feel how valuable he is. Yes, in doing so, he will gain nothing in contact with that person. But he won’t be hurt by the rejection and the sense of humiliation of being abandoned when he was so dependent.
Exercise
If you tend to get caught in these swings of “idealization-depreciation,” if you look at the world alternately through rose-colored and black glasses, you need a tool for developing a “color vision. First of all, because these processes are exhausting and draining.
Clearly, idealization and devaluation are two polar ways of being in relationship to the world. One can either be endowed with virtues that are and are not. Or one can destroy value. Even that which is there.
So there you go. The narcissistic person constructs his life by ranking all aspects of life around ideal criteria. You’ve seen before how, for example, he evaluates himself: not in comparison with realistic alternatives, but solely by grandiose parameters. And I gave you an exercise in which I suggested that you examine what your demands on yourself are and how realistic they are. Then you do have to notice signs of idealization and devaluation in yourself. Yes, there is no other way for us to expand our awareness of our behavior. We observe, we notice in ourselves the desire to idealize or devalue, and we take a pause.
This pause is necessary so that we don’t fly in and out of relationships quickly. So that we don’t quickly lose our value next to someone who seems more perfect to us and start fighting to get it back. Just notice what you are idealizing or devaluing. And give yourself time, allowing the charms of idealization to dissipate over time, without destroying the value completely. But by revealing to you the characteristics of the ordinary person next to you.
Fragments from the forthcoming book “Fragile People: A Secret Door to the World of Narcissists”