It may seem paradoxical again: somewhere the narcissist cannot make an effort at all, and in some cases he is able to withstand incredible exertion! Where, as a result of giving up this effort, the narcissist feels that he may lose his self-esteem, he will stand to the end, even while experiencing great distress.
Usually people navigate reality by feelings. Felt pain — get away from the source of the pain. Felt tenderness — hugged a loved one. And so on. Narcissists have a problem with sensitivity. They have been forced to peel it off in battles for the remnants of self-respect. So they navigate reality mostly by mental attitudes. For example, there is a common set of patterns that a narcissist follows like a dotted line:
- If you don’t follow through, you’re weak: grown-ups have to finish everything they start;
- an intelligent person cannot change his mind, because he has to consider everything from the beginning, and so on.
Of course, this is the harsh voice of the inner critic, which sounds in the mind of the narcissist powerfully and demandingly. It is also critical and humiliating when he deviates from the “right route” and does something imperfectly, as he should have done.
In general, it is not easy for a narcissist to resist these typical patterns in his head. It usually takes time to undo the very attitudes that stamina and patience are not about adulthood. And this seems to be the eternal surprise to the narcissist: Adulthood consists, first, in adequacy and, second, in a certain independence.
Once upon a time there was a Little Daffodil.
And she worked very hard. And all the bosses she had to work with were, to put it bluntly, of a bad character. Even worse than Narcissoschka herself.
And in every job she had to wear herself out and endure a lot. Exhaustion and a lot to endure. But she never left on her own. Because as a child she had been taught that she should never give up. That it was infantile to leave a difficult place.
And so Narcissus toiled away to the last of her strength. Thinking that she was an adult, since she could endure so much. And in fact she was just increasing her tolerance.
Adequacy allows you to be in touch with reality and feel that the situation strains, exhausts and makes you miserable. And independence provides an opportunity to get out of a situation that is uncomfortable for oneself. It is the child who is forced to adapt to the reality offered to him by his parents. And there is nothing without rationalizations: you have to be patient and do everything to the end, if you don’t want to. Adulthood is about something else. And it’s a sign of infantilism to suffer, to endure and to hide behind the idea that “I’m not weak enough to give up.
‘ So what? Is it all right to give up if you don’t like it?” — you ask. Don’t go to extremes. You have to be able to follow through on something. But when it is necessary to finish something, narcissists lack effort. And where it is necessary to quit and save yourself, the mechanism of “shame on yourself for your weakness” works.
Fragments from the forthcoming book “Fragile People: A Secret Door to the World of Narcissists”