For many people in recovery, there comes a time when we admit “our lives had become unmanageable.” Not just difficult. Not “I just need to try a little harder.” Not even embarrassing or shameful or sad or depressing. It could be all those things AND it was also unmanageable. I was no longer in control, my addiction was. I could decide to only drink one, or two drinks, but once I took that first drink, the alcohol was in control and I’d drink until I couldn’t drink anymore. I could decide this would be the last time I would _____________, but it would not be. It wasn’t for lack of effort. I tried this and that and even the other thing, but nothing worked. I could not manage to stay sober.
For a time, my anger, my resentment, my unforgiveness also seemed unmanageable. I tried isolating from the person who hurt me, blaming them (and anyone) for my troubles, letting the fire burn red hot, trying to numb the pain, compartmentalizing my life (a good Tim and a bad Tim), etc. But whatever I stuffed down, came out sideways. Whatever anger I threw out into the world, boomeranged back. I had given over my power to the one who had hurt me. They controlled my thoughts, emotions, reactions, travel plans, etc.
I needed a new plan. I needed to trust in a new way. I had come to the end of my skills, my schemes, my strengths. I am so grateful I learned about forgiveness. I learned how to see my past with honesty. See my offender as a flawed, hurt, human. See myself as a flawed, hurt, human. And began to hope that I could change.