Ive mentioned before being worried about leaving my wife at home (https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/688) and this weekend it was again brought to the forefront of my mind.
Yesterday we went for a walk, just the two of us, around a lake at a National Trust property. We did walk further than my wife has walked for a long time, but no further than alot of people will walk to school or their job.
She was exhausted at the end, looking gaunt and drawn. There is no wonder she is becoming more and more and house bound, as there is simply no muscle strength and seemingly no progression in growing the strength, despite all we try.
Additionally her eyesight problems meant that she was spooked whenever we encountered a swarm of little flies, as she didnt see them coming up on her. They were nothing to be worried about, unless you couldnt see and walked into them mouth first.
She managed a small amount to eat when we got home, but again by evening her stomach was painful and swollen. I'm not sure if this is any specific food stuff, or a combination of excercise and the impact that has on her body. I suspect the excercise element may be the one. Unfortunately it has been painful for nearly a week now, so there may be something more going on.
She wants to go away with her mum next month, and I just cannot see how she will manage it. I understand the need to look forward to something, but I also think we and she needs to practical and sensible. But the option is being stuck at home more, so what is the best course. We will try the hardest to ensure she can go away.
I may also miss out on a job move, as I cannot commit to being in an office that is further away from home. Currently if there are problems I can be back in ten minutes, but the proposal is to be in London which would be a train ride away, and I worry that that would be too far. Not for the first time, my career will take the collaterol damage of cancer. I shudder to think how many things in our lives have been destroyed and broken by cancer that we just dont realise.
My career does take second place, and that is how I want it - I want to be closest to look after my wife if need be. But sometimes you feel that people in your office dont appreciate the hard work that kicks in when I get home. An evening of lying on the sofa may sound great to most folks, but my wife is doing that every day because she has worn herself out doing a few domestic tasks around the house and has severe pain in her stomach. My second job happens when I walk through the door - caring for and making sure she is comfortable.
I regret the way things have turned out, and desperately wish they were different. For us life has taken a strange turn, and I get jealous of those people who have a seemingly ordinary life instead of the stress and worry.
I am worried about her being home alone. When I get a message to say she hasnt got dressed because waist bands will hurt her stomach I worry what is going on. She can be unsighted, and has been tripped up by our cat before, and so I have concerns about her falling and banging her head. And, to be honest, her limbs are so thin she could easily break something if she fell.
We are putting measures in place to protect her, but it is hard when someone has such an independent mind and spirit, and so is rightly reluctant to lost that. I dont know when the right time is to have the conversation and I really do not want to be the person who takes away that independence.