Its been scan week, and anyone on their own cancer journey will understand how stressful that can be. This stress was ramped up after a few weeks of my wife having some severe stomach cramps and pain that lasts for more than 24 hours.
She came home from staying with her mother over the Easter period, and was immediately in agony. She could sleep as she couldnt get comfortable, and said it was worse than childbirth. I was really worried it was a sign of a bowel obstruction, but thankfully it passed, and the specialists verdict is that some type of food aggravated the cancer tumours she has.
Getting her to scans was a regular planned operation.Mentally, as can be understood, she cannot easily enter the cancer hospital. The same clothes have to be worn, which are then cleaned and put away after the trip. She has a different phone cover, and wears no jewelry. She has to have a disposable water bottle. If we go in with her, we cant take a book or anything else with us, or else if we do, they have to be cleaned when we get back. Nothing from the hospital can come back to the house without being cleaned.
So to get home after the MRI and bloods were completed was a great moment. Time to have a shower and try and recover from the mental trauma. Until a call from the hospital an hour later to say she needed a blood transfusion due to low iron levels.
We managed to dry the wet clothes and get back for the matching process, and then I took her in for the transfusion on the Tuesday, the day after. Two days in a row was not straight forward. The transfusion lasted about three hours all in, and she did it. I dont know how, but she did it.
Her arms are now full of scars and scabs where needles have been pushed in, trying to find a vein in the almost paper like skin she now has (alot of the anecdotes in the Mark Lanegan book mentioned below reminded me of how her arms look. Bruised and torn).
Her legs are easily bruised, and take a long time to heal. She has a bruise from where she fell at new year on her ankle. The veins on her legs, which were always prominent are now more angry and swollen. The muscle shows, as there is very little in the way of fat sitting on her bones.
Her stomach is distended, whether through ascities or something else I dont know. Every so often when she has a food reaction, it will swell further, like a fully blown up balloon, hard and taut, painfull to see. If you were to just see that part of her body, you would think she were pregnant with twins due very soon.
Her face is even more drawn, as the weight hasnt come back. Hair is thinning, and her rings can slip off her fingers. It is harrowing to see at times.
However, despite all this, she managed three trips into hospital this week, and today had a call to say that while her cancer is getting worse, it isnt spreading as fast as it could. This is a win in our world.
I think the specialist thinks she is almost some sort of special case, defying the odds. She has said were my wife to present fresh now, she would be admitted, and on a round of treatment, but in our case it is a delicate balance. And so we can try to make the most of her being here.
The children are coping well. My daughter is weeks away from her final A level exams, and so there is some stress around the house, while my son is enjoying his schooling. He copes through watching football, and playing on his play station, while my daughter has a high fitness regime.
She even signed me up to walk a marathon as part of the Cancer Research Shine Nightwalk in September. I am trying to get practice in, as she is way ahead of me in terms of her fitness (this does tie in with my plan to try and get fit https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/760). We will do it for my wife, and get through the night by my daughter telling me Disney facts the whole way apparently. My offer of discussing post punk and indie bands of the 1980s didnt go down very well (I was going to run through the history of The Fall and The Smiths for her, but I dont think 18 year old girls are fans, which explains my teenage love life).
The return of my wife from my mother in laws has made me extra tired, and I realised it is the stress and being on constant call that is wearing me out. When she was away it was a case of not being able to do anything, so I could relax. When she is home, I am always worrying, checking if she needs anything, trying to take on the lions share of the house hold chores, and I find after 8 years, it is taking its toll mentally and physically. Strange aches appear, and muscle strains take a while to heal, which doesnt fill me with confidence for September. This does seem to be a regular problem (https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/772).