It is a public holiday here in the UK, with Monday as a day off work. Yay! However my wife has been laid up with flu like symptoms since Weds / Thurs last week. Pretty much straight after getting her results and after the blood transfusion (https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/882) she started with a sore throat, then has developed a cold.
She has barely been able to get out of bed. At least she has been eating which I guess is something. She feels awful, and doesnt look great. Her face looks even more drawn than usual, and she is looks really skinny, dangerously so. I fear that something as innocuous as a cold could be her downfall, as she does not have the strength to get over even a minor illness.
I worry alot when she is like this (as I have previously spoken about https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/879). She can get downstairs, and still attempts to do things around the house, but the concern is how safe she is doing them. Additionally were she to slip while having a shower she could easily injure herself, and with her stick thin limbs I think it wouldnt take much for a serious break, which could precipitate a further decline.
My job thankfully is going to be based in the office close to home, rather than in London, so I am able to get to her if something happens. Seeing her spending days in bed is strange, but is almost how life for us is now. She has periods of being strong and able to do things (though not as much as before) then periods where she gets ill. Anything hits her more than other people.
I was thinking about how this has all changed our lives today. I went to the British Museum to see their exhibition 'Legion' about the life in the Roman army (highly recommended for any history buffs. Took about two hours to go round in total, with some amazing items on show. Some mundane every day life type things, some more exotic - crocodile skin armour anyone?).
The museum is near an office I worked in many years ago, so I took a walk by. The area had changed alot - more empty offices and it looked a little run down. But it made me think about our life all those years ago in pre-cancer days. How we were so lucky in hindsight, able to go and do things, enjoy our lives. We take things for granted, and forget how things can change on a sixpence. (Or in a hospital room surrounded by nurses https://mywifehascancer.blog/archives/40).
I feel now that we are adrift in our lives, floating and being blown by the winds of cancer, not in control. I am struggling to know how to right the ship, and get us back on course, and deep down am not even sure if we can easily do so. We are at the whims of the disease. I wish I could create some sort of anchor and get my and our lives back on track, but after so long it is hard to remember what is the track.
The cycle of illness, followed by a brief respite feels that it is shortening, and time between the illness is shorter and shorter. A feeling of circling round and round is hard to shake. I suspect that eventually we will hit a time where the illness doesnt stop., and that time feels to be closer than ever.