Nobody loves me , nobody wants me I think I will just go and eat worms ! That little ditty was on my lips very often as a child, sometimes even as an adult i can still find it worming its way in to my thoughts. (excuse the pun)
Yes i am adopted i had a wonderful childhood, great parents a brother and sister, Grandparents all the fairly normal family type scenarios. In the midst of it all though, there i was adopted, not the same, different. I had been given away by the people who made me because they in my mind ( the mind of a child) Didn't want me. I had no idea what the back story was as a child all i knew and understood as a child was that i was not my Mum and Dad's child like my brother and sister were. It was patently obvious to me that of course i would not be as loved as they were , which was not the case but in my mind that's what i felt. My school work was pretty poor, i was clever but found it difficult to apply myself. Everything went to the wall at high school when the old hormones kicked in.
I was then adopted and weird all rolled into one. I was also a very very angry young girl with no outlet for the pain and fear that i was feeling inside. There just wasn't the understanding in those days about the struggles that adopted children could be facing and feeling. My reputation then became one of bad news. Difficult child. I was bad and badly behaved. I just could not get a grip of myself because i was a child dealing with huge emotions that children can not really handle. My parents loved me, they disciplined me, they lectured me on the dangers of continuing to be that bad child. They did their utmost to try and support me as any good parent would.
I then entered into a horrific set of circumstances as detailed in my first book which is centred round my spiral into drug addiction and journey out of addiction into a faith filled life. As a Christian did i still not really understand the way i was or reacted in certain situations? Totally it has taken almost 25 years as a Christian to untangle the mess that was inside my head.
Am i glad i was adopted? That's a very hard question i love my family dearly and could not have had a better upbringing but there is always that nagging doubt that had i not been given away would my life have still taken on such a dark terrifying turn?
My second book This is Me - I'm Adopted looks deeply into the adoption trauma discussion and how my own life was affected by adoption.