[T/N] I apologize for grammar mistakes and incoherencies
Chapter 85: #3.
No matter how depressed Sangwoo was, time never paused. It’s the same now. When the time comes, he is pushed into an uncertain future that he can’t avoid. Before, Sangwoo never feared the future, but only now, he is not confident about anything. The days and times when he could meet Jaeyoung are decreasing day by day, but even so, he still doesn’t have a suitable plan to cope with it.
The calendar swiftly moved into the month of June, as they gazed at the sky in the distance, where insects were flying around. Although Sangwoo did not have the leisure of admiring the sky, what was even more daunting was that he did not have time to do so. The QA and beta testing would begin from Monday onwards. Therefore, the test files had to be released within this week. Even though major errors had been dealt with, there were still incomplete functions and minor issues remaining.
Sangwoo didn’t even leave his home office and worked diligently at home. He was not pleased with being pressured by deadlines, but he couldn’t complain because it was the result of his own actions.
Throughout the three days, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, apart from class time, Sangwoo stayed cooped up in his room. Jaeyoung brought him food for every meal, with the menu constantly changing, including kimchi fried rice, curry, bulgogi [1] and gyudon [2]. The other party only delivered the food and left immediately. Even though he didn’t say it out loud, Sangwoo waited for the delivery person more than the food itself, as their appearance was a temporary respite in the midst of exhaustion. Just hugging the other person for three minutes made Sangwoo feel like everything was getting better.
On Sunday, at 16:33, Sangwoo uploaded the beta test file that had been tested by himself to the FTP.
Although the unlimited mode, ladder ranking, and special quest functions were canceled, and even though server connection, in-app purchase [3], and performance adjustments for various devices remained, the final results were almost visible. Finally, Chu Sangwoo and Jang Jaeyoung’s project took shape and were ready to be released to the world.
[Created and uploaded beta test file successfully, 16:33.]
- [Jaeyoung, ㅅㅂ♨: You did great, my dev, 16:34.]
- [Jaeyoung, ㅅㅂ♨: With such a good day, we should have a celebration, 16:34.]
[Come to the office. I have a request. If you agree to listen, I will treat you to dinner, 16:36.]
- [Jaeyoung, ㅅㅂ♨: At the very least, it must be sirloin, 16:36.]
[I know, 16:37.]
Sangwoo took a shower and got ready to go outside. Suddenly, he smiled. He was confident that he didn’t show any emotions on his face, but the face in the mirror reflected a wide smile that other people couldn’t make. Sangwoo put on beige pants, a green t-shirt, and a white hat. He grabbed the wine bottle that Jaeyoung had handed to him fourteen days ago, put it in his backpack, and left the house.
The bicycle glided smoothly on the gray pavement. Sangwoo pedaled along, enjoying the sunlight that streamed down from the low-hanging sun. He was satisfied with the work he had done and was about to meet someone he wanted to see. As the release date of the game drew closer, the designer’s anxiety also increased. However, Sangwoo had no time to feel sad anymore, as time was passing too quickly.
Sangwoo found Jaeyoung at the staircase of the Faculty of Fine Arts. He thought for a moment that a crazy person had come to lock his neck. When he turned to look at the face, Sangwoo immediately smiled broadly.
“Look, your mouth is about to tear.”
Upon hearing that, the muscles on his face relaxed, and Sangwoo laughed like a madman.
“It’s terrible to tease me like this.”
Jaeyoung was somewhat cautious about his posture when in a place where people might see him. However, at that moment, Sangwoo didn’t care about anything. He held the other’s hand and quickly climbed up the stairs. Despite being a Sunday, there weren’t many students at the university.
As soon as they entered the office and turned on the lights, he urged Jaeyoung.
“Check it, will you?”
“I haven’t checked it yet because I just moved it to my phone.”
“Open it and see.”
Jaeyoung sat down on a chair and took out his phone from his bag. The other party had only tested it a few times separately. Here, it was the first time Sangwoo saw the opening in its full glory, complete with accompanying sound. Sangwoo leaned his shoulder on the armrest of the chair Jaeyoung was sitting on and watched the opening together.
The sound of drums resounded along with the gentle voices of the characters, followed by the spooky sound of a xylophone [4]. Then, the names of the game and the male and female characters standing with their backs to each other appeared. Each side held a crowbar and dynamite in their hands, looking for trouble, while Chuchu blew a pink bubblegum that would explode every six seconds. There were radioactive objects emitting green light, and a group of sharp-toothed NPCs flickering their eyes in the midst of a dark farm.
“Isn’t it too loud, right?”
“Wow... it’s worth investing in.”
Jaeyoung pressed the start button and entered the farm, the protagonist ferociously died with the sound of a mid-century AC/DC style riff playing in the background. On the other side, after testing two or three points, Sangwoo raised his hand and Jaeyoung reached out to join their hands as if they had been waiting.
It seems that the laughter control module [5] is about to break... Sangwoo didn’t want to show that he was too happy, but he also couldn’t help it and hugged Jaeyoung to hide his face. Then the other party kissed his neck and gently touched his tail.
“You did great.”
“I told you. That I would turn what you designed into reality.”
“Now you are like Iron Man.”
“Do you mean like a robot again?”
“No, I mean much cooler.”
Rewards for effort are always sweet, but he was not familiar with sharing the joy of success with anyone before. Sangwoo felt more than good to share happiness with Jaeyoung. Jaeyoung let go of the hug, grabbed both of Sangwoo’s shoulders, and spoke with an excited voice.
“Alright. Then from tomorrow onwards, you will enter the testing phase, for me, QA, right?”
“Yes. I have sent the scope of the examination, detailed instructions, and checklist via email. And I have also started beta testing after distributing the files to the test group. Once the reviews come back, I will send them to you as well.”
“Okay.”
“Have you made a list of the testers yet?”
Jaeyoung opened the note on his mobile phone and handed it to Sangwoo.
Among the fifty names, the only name Sangwoo knew was Choi Yoona.
“How skilled are they?”
“Most of them are soft users [6], some are gaming addicts.”
“In that case, I will add two more high-level gamers I know.”
“Oh, it’s the file that you sent. You just attached it to my email.”
The work conversation ended at this point. Two weeks from now, Sangwoo intends to focus on studying for exams and spend minimal time on game development. He will also handle the topics of QA and user testing for Jaeyoung.
“What is the matter?”
“Please take a look at the PowerPoint design. Then, I’ll treat you to a meal.” Sangwoo took out a notebook from his backpack. Jaeyoung’s face showed a hint of expectation as he raised his eyebrows. When Sangwoo opened the media presentation of the “Algorithm” project, the other side moved their chair closer.
“Take a look, it’s amazing. It’s a whole thirty pages long.”
“Who asked you to do it for free? I told you I’ll treat you to a meal.”
“Okay, and I ask for a kiss for each page.”
“Okay.”
“Once we finish this, let’s go buy beef and have a barbecue at home.”
“I’ll bring wine.”
“Great. And what else do you want to eat?”
Sangwoo hesitated for a moment before pulling Jaeyoung’s t-shirt closer and whispered into his ear.
“Let’s have dinner together and then… Hyung, I want us to do something else we haven’t done in a while.”
“Something else?”
Jaeyoung’s ears reddened instantly. He stood still like a statue and turned to look at Sangwoo. Their eyes seemed a little lustful.
“We can do it now and here if you want.”
“Not here. It’s not appropriate.”
Jaeyoung tried to lean in for a kiss two or three times, but Sangwoo pushed his forehead away.
“Please take a quick look and see if it’s okay or not. I need to get a good score.”
“No matter what, it’ll be done within ten minutes.”
Jaeyoung sighed and pulled himself in front of his notebook, looking confident and assured. But as he opened the slides, his face immediately fell. Despite starting off with a confident stance, as he went through the slides, the other side leaned back in their chair and put on an indifferent expression.
“It’s not going to be done within ten minutes.”
Jaeyoung went to a font download website and downloaded two fonts with a frustrated expression on his face.
“Hey, Chu Sangwoo.”
“Yes.”
“Make a promise to me that you won’t use this font anymore.”
It seemed that Jaeyoung disliked the most common font styles and used them extensively on websites. Sangwoo reluctantly extended a hesitant finger to agree.
Jaeyoung used two different font styles for the headings and content, all in the same direction for each slide, and then returned to the cover page. After that, he frowned as if in pain.
“The background makes the text barely readable.”
“It looks fine to me.”
“That’s your opinion.”
Jaeyoung deleted the enlarged screenshot of the surrounding competition that Sangwoo had used as a background. Then, he pasted a free image of a few checkers on the lower right corner of the white background, adjusted the varied sizes of the black headings to be the same size, removed italics, underlines, and bold from Sangwoo’s name and group members, and arranged them in a row on the left side.
Sangwoo decorated the slides so much because they looked too empty, but now, even though Jaeyoung removed everything that Sangwoo had decorated, the slides still didn’t look completely empty. It was hard to believe, even though it was visible to the eye.
“Jintae is a junior two grades below me. He is handsome, huh.”
“I don’t know.”
“Alright then...no need to talk about it further. No need to look at each other. And let’s not argue either, understand?”
“I don’t care.”
Jaeyoung smiled as he finished arranging the front page. Sangwoo really liked this new design and didn’t forget to kiss Jaeyoung’s cheek. The other party immediately smiled widely and moved on to the next slide.
“Have you ever thought that the font size is too big?”
“It has to be big enough to see clearly.”
“If it’s too big, then we can’t see anything at all. Plus, it makes people who see it nervous.”
“Really?”
The font size of the heading and the content in the original slide [7] have changed. Sangwoo wondered how much the other party reduced the size in order to see the details, but Jaeyoung adjusted the size a couple of times as if following his instincts. And then he let it be. Jaeyoung erased everything Sangwoo decorated and used lines to divide the topics.
“Hurry up and give me a kiss, so I will be able to continue.”
Once the award was received, Jaeyoung became even more swift. In terms of design, no matter what it was, the other party was the correct answer. Jaeyoung just managed a few clicks, pressed the shortcut buttons a few times comfortably, and everything was improved. Sometimes, he just dragged and dropped continuously, but ended up in the perfect position. Sangwoo was so amazed that his mouth dropped open as he stared at the screen.
‘He’s really like a wizard.’
Although he didn’t say it out loud, he admired Jaeyoung in his heart without missing a beat. He sat working next to Jaeyoung for a while and it was true, but the image of the other party solving the work at hand so smoothly and impressively was more outstanding than creating something new from scratch again.
“I was surprised from the bottom of my heart. I’ve never seen a long fiveline heading before.”
What is important and what is not is all in the decision-making of the other party. No matter how good the content is, if it cannot be presented effectively, it loses its value. Just then, Sangwoo realized that he knew this well, but couldn’t apply it for beneficial purposes, while his mind was floating, Jaeyoung blurted out.
“You don’t pay for the design as agreed, do you?”
“I can pay now.”
“Three pages are stuck.”
Sangwoo has no charm in any aspect. Whether it’s making presentations look good, dressing to impress others, or speaking to make listeners feel good. Meanwhile, Jaeyoung is good at everything, so Sangwoo thinks that the other party might shine like a top-notch toy.
________________________________________.
[1] Bulgogi, “barbecued meat.” Either grilled meat or stir-fried Korean meat.
[2] Gyudon, “Japanese beef rice bowl.”
[3] In-app purchase, any purchase within an app.
[4] Xylophone, a musical instrument consisting of a set of wooden bars of various lengths and thicknesses arranged in order on a soundboard, then struck with two sticks or hammers to create sound, similar to a marimba.
[5] Module, a specific part used to connect to another system, with the module itself designed and controlled internally by that module.
[6] Soft user, a user who plays games less or plays superficially.
[7] Master slide, the main slide that sets the structure, color, font, background, effects, and almost everything for other slides. When the settings on the master slide change, other slides also change.
Chapter 86: #4.
“Why did you put that on?”
“It’s a famous character that impresses people.”
“Hmm... Delete.”
The image on the screen quickly changed with the skillful hands of an expert who created a great impression on Sangwoo, even though it was just a presentation of the major subject. Despite complaining, the delicacy in making adjustments without missing any flaws, the cleverness in solving complex problems with the simplest methods, and the expertise in easily controlling all components, even though it seemed haphazard, all of these were parts that made Jaeyoung look fascinating.
Sangwoo’s gaze shifted from the hands that controlled the keyboard and mouse skillfully to the handsome, smiling face on the side. The things he used to dislike at first, like the red t-shirt, the slouched posture, the golden earrings, the tattoo on his arm, and the slightly trembling knees, now didn’t bother him anymore because they were all part of Jang Jaeyoung. He no longer felt a dislike towards them. Suddenly, Sangwoo felt a strong, overwhelming sensation welling up from the depths of his heart.
‘Have I ever met someone as wonderful as you?’
Psychopath, cancer, garbage, mental illness, laziness, uncontrollable anger, deceitfulness, two-faced, ticking time bomb. Sangwoo recalled the names he had given the other party, far removed from the word ‘worthless’ and a person who possessed characteristics that Sangwoo disliked. But all of a sudden, Sangwoo realized that he no longer cared about those things. The wave of emotions overwhelmed everything that had come before. He had once felt that those qualities were flaws in Jaeyoung and conquered Sangwoo. In the midst of the cocktail of happiness and sadness in a 5:1 ratio, spinning violently...
“Wow... applying color filters, outlines, and shadows. I really went all out...”
“I like you, hyung.”
...Sangwoo cried out, his words didn’t want to be in this metaphorical prison and overflowed out.
The sound of the mouse clicking stopped, and Jaeyoung’s hand, which had been moving restlessly, also stopped. Then Sangwoo realized that he had said something inappropriate.
‘What did I say?’
Sangwoo’s pale brain pondered if he had gotten too excited after finishing the beta test file. His brain was slightly abnormal, his thoughts expanded uncontrollably like when he was drunk, and he blurted out without any filtering or intention.
‘Do I... like humans?’
And on top of that, do I like a human in a romantic way? And the other party is a man? And it’s Jang Jaeyoung? The other party was someone who couldn’t possibly become a lover from the beginning. That was a meaningless and illogical thing.
Sangwoo raised his head before his gaze met Jaeyoung. He didn’t know when the other party had turned towards him, but he was wearing the most adorable expression he had ever seen.
“I didn’t hear you clearly, say it again.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“Speak, tell me that you like me.”
“What do you mean you didn’t hear clearly?”
Jaeyoung closed his mouth, which was previously wide open, and flashed a sarcastic smile.
“Come on, speak up again.”
Sangwoo was stunned, unable to speak, and lowered his gaze. He was already feeling awful. It was truly ironic that the other party was acting like they had encountered something amusing. Sangwoo stood up and walked back to open the door before running out without even having time to grab his bag. He ran as fast as he could, thinking that Jaeyoung would follow soon.
“Hey! Stop right there!”
Sangwoo ran as though he was being chased by a dangerous knife-bearing Jaeyoung. He swiftly went down the stairs and ran with all his strength to avoid being caught up. However, Jaeyoung refused to give up and continued to chase.
‘I won’t get caught.’
Sangwoo couldn’t think of what the problem was or how to fix it. He was only certain that he didn’t want to be caught by Jang Jaeyoung. He was scared of what the other party would mock him with and what he would do.
He arrived in front of the Faculty of Engineering without realizing it, and hurriedly stumbled with fear that his speed would decrease. He lowered his head, passed through shrubs, squeezed between two statues, passed through a narrow passage lined with stones, and passed the Faculty of Humanities and Natural Sciences in that order. He thought it would be safe to run this far.
Then, there was a loud shout from behind.
“Hey, haven’t you had enough running yet?”
Sangwoo sprinted once again, and the sound eventually faded away and could no longer be heard. Jaeyoung yelled angrily not to make a scene. He also said it was because of Sangwoo that the other party was able to endure for less than a week even though he had promised not to say anything again. At that moment, Sangwoo found a hiding spot in one corner of the football field.
“Where did you go? Shouldn’t we talk it out?”
“…”
“Damn it, this kid keeps running away... Hey, I’ve been chasing after you halfway around the world, you know.”
“I have nothing to say, just go away!”
Sangwoo’s response ended. Jaeyoung immediately ran towards him. Sangwoo took advantage of the rectangular shape of the soccer field and hid on the other side, seeing Jaeyoung standing on the other side of the green net.
“Just go already. Even if you run for another hundred days, I won’t let you catch me.”
No matter what Jaeyoung did, he couldn’t catch Sangwoo unless he destroyed the soccer field. So both of them wasted their energy running around the soccer field for three rounds.
“This is so frustrating, damnit.”
Jaeyoung leaned against the net and collapsed as if he couldn’t take it anymore. Sangwoo himself also breathed heavily, but fearing that the other side would suddenly rush in, he chose not to sit and stood there adjusting his breathing. They let their heavy breathing dissipate without speaking a word.
Meanwhile, Jaeyoung sat up.
“I’ve never met someone as strange as you before.”
Sangwoo worried that the other side would rush in to find him, so he never took his eyes off the shadow of that person. But Jaeyoung remained calm and sat there, they talked to each other with the soccer field separating them.
“Come over here first, I have something to say to you, but I don’t want to say it in this situation. Actually, I don’t want to do this either, but I can’t help it.”
“...I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
Sangwoo mumbled as if talking to himself before taking a deep breath and then speaking out loud.
“What I said in the office, I misspoke.”
“I don’t think so.”
Jaeyoung responded casually, as if it wasn’t a big deal. This nonchalant attitude annoyed Sangwoo for real.
“I said it wasn’t, didn’t I?”
“Oh, today is not it.”
“I didn’t talk about the day, but I meant the wrong things I said.”
“If you want time, just tell me clearly how much time you need. I’ve been waiting all along until now, and it’s not a big deal to wait further.”
Today the questioning was more intense than usual. Sangwoo rubbed his temples, took a deep breath and his heart continued to beat rapidly, but it wasn’t because of physical exhaustion. Once he caught his breath and balanced his breathing, he returned to a state of readiness to move once again.
“I’m leaving. You don’t have to follow me. If you do, I won’t see you again.”
“...”
He shouted like that and ran to the library, not hearing any more sounds behind him.
After that, Sangwoo couldn’t remember what happened very well. He pedaled his bike in familiarity until he reached home without realizing it, then rushed up the stairs like a storm and poured water down his throat as if furious.
Sangwoo quickly took off his sweaty clothes and put them in the laundry machine before jumping into a cold shower. After changing into clean clothes, his heart still raced. It was now 19:12. Even though he hadn’t eaten dinner, he didn’t feel hungry at all. Sangwoo didn’t know what it was that made him look around in confusion before slowly sitting down in a chair, resting his forehead on trembling hands and immediately falling asleep.
‘I like you, hyung.’
If it were, ‘I need you’, it could be said like that. He didn’t want to believe that he said it like that. It wasn’t a demand. It wasn’t an evaluation. It was an useless and ambiguous statement, his feelings were truly strange, irritating, and sad.
‘So, do I like a human?’
It was a phenomenon that means one could be so special that nothing could replace them. It was a dangerous feeling that left the country’s leaders in despair and even the smartest person became foolish. Sangwoo knew that liking someone was a dangerous misunderstanding. There were many doctors who could treat sex addiction, but there was no record of heartache in the medical dictionary.
Did he really say that? Normally, Sangwoo does not lie, but this time his consciousness was not quite with himself, so he kept speaking without pause. Sangwoo held his head, which was throbbing, with both hands and tried to analyze his actions in the past.
[5/29, Jang Jaeyoung’s house.
5/28, Bar in Yeonseokdong.
5/25, Han River, Jang Jaeyoung’s car.
5/24, Home.
5/22, Home.
5/19, Department store...]
Looking at it from a neutral perspective in the third person, his actions can mostly be explained by a strong sexual desire. However, it is clear that there are some parts that are not. For example, on Wednesday, May 29th, after waking up at Jaeyoung’s house, Sangwoo had the opportunity for intimacy but he did not act on it.
That day became a strange and pleasant memory despite not releasing any sexual desires or doing much. Sangwoo simply ate the meal prepared by Jaeyoung, had meaningless conversations, and then left the movie playing while napping together. Sangwoo felt disappointed when he thought about how warm the pea soup was, how much he wanted to steal Jaeyoung’s picture, and how exciting the image on the other side of sleep made his heart race.
“I have lost.”
Sangwoo clenched his fist and let it fall heavily onto the table, thump. The more he thought about the time they spent together, the more his confidence decreased, beyond his sexual organ. There were many other noticeable points that went beyond their physical relationship.
The crease on the nose when the other side sneezed, the neatness of his hand holding the mouse, the sculpted muscles on his back when he stretched lazily, the corners of his eyes when he smiled mischievously, the alignment of his teeth, how his hair reflected and shimmered in the sunlight.
How good did he feel when he heard the low-pitched voice calling his name, how often he laughed because of constant teasing, and at the same time, how fast his heart raced because of the sincere words spoken by the other side. When he thought about the arm that was tightly wrapped around his shoulder and the soft touch on his forehead. Sangwoo could feel the sense of defeat.
He remembers how funny it was during junior high when he found out that his older sister liked a male classmate. His sister talked about that guy all day and made a disgusted face. When he teased her saying she was strange and silly, he was slapped several times. At that time, his sister made a fuss and asked their mother to buy her new clothes, and then her classes ended and she came home late. She even said she would go find that male student on the weekend and be Sangwoo, who laughed and teased her, without consciousness.
But Sangwoo did even more than that. He dressed in clothes that Jaeyoung liked and went out to drink expensive alcohol at a liquor store in the lively area to demand attention from the other side. He even secretly investigated Jaeyoung’s past and even kissed him while he was asleep. If it was about Jaeyoung, he was ready to destroy the planned life and spent the whole day thinking about the other side.
It’s not that his sexual preference was for handsome young men with tall figures and brown eyes. It’s not that he didn’t like guys who had poor appearances compared to Jaeyoung, but it’s just because those people weren’t Jaeyoung.
Sangwoo slowly sank onto the table with a feeling of despair, unable to predict the charms and mysteries of Jang Jaeyoung. At first, he came in and disrupted the tranquility of his daily life. Then he woke up to Sangwoo’s sexual desires, making him unable to stand being alone, and in the end, even fought for his heart. Here, there was a foolish person who liked men and couldn’t be together with the handsome hyung again, instead of being a heterosexual in the appropriate age range to get married and have good health.
“I have lost completely.”
Until now, if he liked something, Sangwoo just bought it and it was over. However, no matter how much he liked something, he couldn’t possess it, it happened for the first time and was something that would soon be gone.
And then Sangwoo had to face his own Semantic Error, which controlled his world.
return 0;
Chapter 87: #5.
[Jaeyoung, I can’t let it be like this anymore. In terms of feelings, I like you now... Unlike what we agreed on initially. I’ve never been like this before, so I’m scared and can’t think about what will happen if you leave.
So from now on, let’s stop seeing each other.]
[Jaeyoung, I can’t let it be like this anymore. In terms of feelings, I...]
[Hyung Jaeyoung]
[Hyung]
[Hyung, I am currently in the midst of exams, so I will not be attending the meeting on Sunday. After that, we will work separately without needing to have meetings. _02:31.]
- [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : I am going to buy glasses, can you recommend which ones are good? _02:33.]
- [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : “Sent a picture.” _02:33.]
- [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : “Sent a picture.” _02:33.]
[Have you read my message? _02:34.]
- [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : I have read it. _02:34.] - [Hyung Jang Jaeyoung Graphic Design : Choose 1 or 2 quickly.
_02:35.]
[1. Please give me the price. My current glasses are broken, so I need to replace them. I will reimburse you. _02:36.]
[How should I provide you with the price? _02:38.]
[Just give me the price. _02:40.]
The world rotates around itself and revolves around the sun with the same speed and direction as yesterday, bringing a new day filled with freshness.
However, Sangwoo’s world, which was destroyed due to chaos, still remained in a state of darkness, a desolate space covered with feelings of desolation and loneliness, leaving only a semblance of an unenlightened morality, as if the true essence that made up Sangwoo had been taken away by the passing storm.
Sangwoo lived his life like a soulless robot, whether it was Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. But his habitual nature of going to university according to the designated time, attending classes, and sitting in the same spot without understanding anything, remained unchanged.
He was chronically ill with a disease that did not even exist in the medical dictionary, a disease that was deeply buried in his mind and refused to leave, causing a great disturbance to his life. This disturbing disease crept deep into Sangwoo’s mind during his fetal stage. Once he became aware of these feelings, the symptoms of the disease, called distress, immediately appeared, overwhelming him without any means to confront the heavy sadness.
Sangwoo, who could only regain consciousness when someone passed by his desk, was lost in thoughts to the point where he didn’t even realize that the class had ended.
Sangwoo pushed his pencil back into the case with a calm expression and closed his textbook. Despite it being a subject he wasn’t good at, and this being a review class before an exam, he didn’t pay attention at all. Last time he skipped class, and this time he came to class but it wasn’t any different from skipping. It was clear that he was destined to fail the upcoming exam.
As he slowly packed his bag, Sangwoo inadvertently caught a glimpse of a familiar shadow. This clique lived a life detached from reality, almost forgetting about the things they had to do. Sangwoo stopped in front of a female student who was tying her shoelaces. The other side stood up with a blank expression before widening her eyes upon seeing Sangwoo.
“Hey! No! Hi!”
Jihye spoke in a hurried and evasive manner, as if she was about to say goodbye. It seemed like the other side had urgent business.
“Then, goodbye!”
“Ru Jihye, if you have time, could you please help me a bit?”
He spoke to the back of the other side, who had a black ponytail.
Immediately, the girl stopped.
“Feed me first, and then I’ll do it as a favor. You like this, right?”
Jihye put her head out of the door and looked left and right. Then she turned back to find Sangwoo again, and lowered her voice as if someone was secretly listening.
“What’s going on?”
“Just sit down for a moment.”
Sangwoo thought it wouldn’t be appropriate to stand and talk, so he walked to a seat, and Jihye hesitated. Then she sat down and left one seat empty. Sangwoo started playing a beta test version of a game on his phone and handed it to the girl.
“This is the game I’m working on.”
“Oh, um... wait. Did you make this?”
“Yes, I’m in the test phase, so I wanted a skilled gamer to play it a bit.”
Hearing that, Jihye smiled shyly and placed her phone on Sangwoo’s desk again before speaking.
“I’m really not good at playing games. I don’t think I can help.”
“Not long ago, you said that you were the number one Tetris player in elementary school.”
Sangwoo took out five food coupons from his pocket and placed them in front of the girl.
“I’ll give you these coupons. And I’ll treat you to a meal. I understand that you’re busy because of exams, but it only takes thirty minutes for the test and a short review. Here, it’s a special offer based on the minimum wage.”
“...No, I can’t do that. I would definitely die.”
“I guess you don’t really want to waste your time.”
Sangwoo sighed, but he understood, so he put the food coupons back in his pocket. Jihye glanced at him quietly before speaking up.
“The atmosphere around you has changed, sunbae.”
This was the second time he had heard these words. Sangwoo smirked to himself, the first time he heard it, he thought it might be true, but this time it didn’t sound too good.
“In what way?”
“Hmm..., you seem a bit more gentle. Were you more domineering before? Making me feel like a... doll, a little too much. Oh well, don’t mind me, it’s just my personal opinion.”
Maybe he’s softer, more tender, and his heart is more vulnerable. Plus, he was overwhelmed by emotions. Sangwoo took a deep breath, and Jihye noticed his reaction.
“Are you okay?”
“Not at all.”
“I’m sorry.”
When he looked at his watch, he realized that it was already time for a meal, but Sangwoo didn’t care. At this point, his daily life had collapsed completely. So even if he deviated from the schedule for a few minutes, it wouldn’t be a problem.
“What about you? How is school going?”
“It’s... the same as before.”
“I’m jealous.”
If he could go back to living a certain, predictable, and unbroken life, he would long for the time when he felt no pain or sorrow.
“Look, you’ve really changed. If it were before, you would have jumped up immediately when I said I didn’t want to be a tester anymore.”
“That’s true.”
Sangwoo tilted his head. Wondering why he was still having a meaningless conversation even though he was finished, he thought he should get up. But at that moment, he recalled a previous conversation.
“That person bought all the coffee that you drank.”
“I just ordered it online, it will be delivered within one day. There shouldn’t be any problem.”
Thirteen weeks ago, during the first week of the school semester, Sangwoo opened up about the difficulties in his life to Jihye, and Jihye surprised him with flexible problem-solving advice. Although it may have been useless, Sangwoo still valued the mindset of a woman who didn’t conform.
“Hahaha... Well then, I’ll go now. I’m sorry I couldn’t help!”
“Wait.”
Sangwoo’s hesitation made Jihye, who was in a half-sitting, half-standing position, sit down again. She laughed with a puzzled expression on her face.
“...Why?”
“I have a quiz to ask you. If you agree to participate, I will give you food vouchers.”
Sangwoo took out five food vouchers from his wallet and placed them on the table again. Jihye twisted her face in a strange manner before using her nails to touch her forehead.
“Quiz, you say?”
“Hmm, do we have a deal?”
“Wait a second... Okay, fine. But it’s not just because of the food vouchers, I mean... It’s like, as long as I only have to cook, I’ll do anything, it’s just that you misunderstood, sunbae.”
Even though Jihye raised her hand to reject, Sangwoo still threw the food vouchers onto Jihye’s table. Jihye had a conflicted expression but still put the food vouchers in her bag. Then Sangwoo began to speak.
“To protect your privacy, I won’t disclose the people’s real names. But let’s just say there are people named X and Y.”
“Yes.”
“But, X...likes Y.”
Jihye resisted a smile and looked uncomfortable. It was exam season, and it was annoying to have to listen to something meaningless. Sangwoo took a deep breath and opened his mouth again.
“Um...X likes Y you know...”
In order to protect personal information and cut off emotions, he replaced the names with English letters. Although he achieved the first goal, he couldn’t achieve the second one. Sangwoo felt his face twisting and reached into his bag to take out water to drink and challenge himself again. “X likes Y.”
This time as well, he couldn’t move on to the next step.
“Oh my. And how does that work?”
“...”
It seemed like the time stretching on would make Jihye annoyed. Seeing it from her perspective, having to quickly answer questions in order to go eat, that was a reasonable display of emotions. Sangwoo paused with a frustrated face.
“But, Y has to go far away.”
“Oh.”
“X wants to be with Y from now on, but it can’t happen anymore, so how can X overcome this situation? Try answering from X’s perspective.”
Jihye didn’t look very well. Then she let out a sigh of frustration, and finally her eyes met Sangwoo’s.
“Sunbae, is your IQ in the single digits?”
“I have a high IQ.”
“Well, it’s a way to show nonchalance, don’t misunderstand.”
Jihye spoke in a muffled voice to prevent Sangwoo from having a chance to speak even a word before raising two fingers.
“There are only two ways, right? One, hold back.”
Sangwoo hoped that Jihye would suggest a more creative solution, but he secretly knew it was unlikely. However, he replied patiently.
“Holding back is not an option. It’s something that has been planned for a long time and is crucial for work.”
“That’s not my concern, two, follow along.”
“...”
The second option was a problem-solving method that Sangwoo had never considered before. So, he decided to consider the alternative suggested by the woman.
‘Follow...to America.’
If that’s the case, he wouldn’t have to break up with Jaeyoung. Numerous questions suddenly popped into his head. Sangwoo took a breath and spoke. “That issue is as simple as speaking, right? What about education? Existence? Visa? Cost of living? Language? And another thing, X also has their life plans. It’s not so easy to make a decision without caring about anything.”
“Then don’t like Y either, because if it’s love, you have to follow it everywhere, right?”
Jihye spoke as if she were someone who could live solely based on emotions. Sangwoo shook his head and slung his backpack over his shoulder.
“Both of your problem-solving methods are not reasonable enough to help at all. But even so, it doesn’t mean you won’t get the food voucher. Let’s go.”
“Excuse me? Just wait...why are you asking such strange questions? If you’re in a relationship, people have to communicate and understand each other.” Before getting up, Sangwoo added one more comment.
“They’re not in a relationship.”
“What do you mean?”
Jihye’s eyes widened, and the pleading look in her eyes made him unable to leave. And yeah, it was an important condition. Sometimes he might have to say it from the beginning. Sangwoo avoided the gaze of the woman and spoke quickly.
“It may sound conflicting with moral principles, but X and Y. Their relationship is only physical.”
“Huh? Wait a minute... I don’t understand...”
Jihye pondered as if she didn’t want to believe before speaking to Sangwoo with a serious expression on her face.
“Why aren’t they together? What are they doing?”
“They can’t be together.”
“Why?”
“I can’t tell you. It’s private.”
“Just tell me. It’s not about you, it’s about X and Y, here and now.”
Those words sounded reasonable. Sangwoo took a deep breath before responding calmly.
“X and Y are the same gender.”
“So what? Are you kidding?”
“...Are you mad at me?”
Jihye assessed Sangwoo’s question and seemed to not understand anything.
“What do they do when they meet? Just... what?”
“They do other things. Normal things.”
“And then what?”
“Well... eat, sometimes watch a movie, play basketball, sometimes just lie around and do nothing, go for walks, go shopping...”
“That’s being a couple, isn’t it?”
“Isn’t it enough that they have more in common than just a single digit IQ.
How can men be lovers?”
“...Are you some kind of Wijeongcheoksa [1] from the late Joseon Dynasty?”
Jihye picked up her mobile phone, quickly touched the screen a few times before handing it to Sangwoo. Sangwoo himself took the communication device with a rough gesture, somewhat violently, as if the other party had provoked him, and found that the browser on the screen was open with a dictionary.
________________________________________.
[1] Wijeongcheoksa is a political movement in the late Joseon Dynasty, adhering to the teachings of Confucian doctrine, which considered homosexuality as non-mainstream. They also opposed the Western influence that spread into Korea.
Chapter 88: #6.
[Love, 戀愛]
Intimate relationship between two people in love, based on physical attraction of human bodies.
“...”
The definition made Sangwoo feel the heat rising from his throat and made his face gradually turn red.
“X and Y are dating. Isn’t that right?”
In that moment, Sangwoo felt a familiar feeling, which was the anger that always erupted every time he argued with his sister. His sister often dismissed his arguments as unimportant without any solid evidence. ‘It seems like all the artsy kids are like that.’ Sangwoo contemplated.
“You probably don’t know anything, and just listen properly.”
Sangwoo explained to Jihye in a slightly annoyed tone about the relationship between human lifestyles and social institutions. In history, social structures were established in a way that benefitted the development and prosperity of humanity, and since dating supported the core system [1], such as marriage, it emphasized that men who cannot give birth to new life cannot date each other.
“...and that’s why there is only dating and marrying someone of the opposite sex that becomes the norm and is legally accepted.”
Sangwoo spoke fervently before grabbing a bottle of water from his bag and drinking it. Jihye simply hugged her chest and listened quietly before searching for something on her mobile phone and speaking.
“I will present a case for you to listen to, same-sex marriage is a trend that is favored by laws worldwide. There are fifteen countries that accept same-sex couples as a legal relationship, mainly developed countries such as North
America, Europe, and so on.”
“...”
Then the woman presented a married couple living without children, and mentioned the group, DINKs [2], with tubal ligation or vasectomy, she proved step by step that marriage is not a prerequisite for having children. At the same time, dating is not a prerequisite for marriage. Then she firmly confirmed that humans can live according to their instincts in the prehistoric era, but as civilization advances, it evolves in a way that values ethics and individual freedom.
Jihye, who was ready to fight with information, couldn’t be compared to her older sister who stubbornly clung to her own thoughts. Sangwoo felt a crisis because he was confident in general knowledge and scientific knowledge, but had little interest in contemporary events and knew almost nothing about same-sex marriage or DINKs, so it was difficult for him to argue.
“People who belittle the value of love, which is a human right like my sister, are no different from uncivilized people!”
“...Calm down. You’re overreacting.”
At that moment, Jihye, who had spoken for a full eight minutes without a pause, closed her mouth. Although Sangwoo understood the importance she was trying to convey, he was still not swayed.
Although it can be said that humans have become more civilized and overcome some of their uncivilized behavior, every action has a purpose. Humans eat to have energy, sleep to rest their bodies, and have sex to reproduce. In the end, dating and marriage are just incidental results that occur for the purpose of procreation and raising stable children. Although there are people who date without getting married or get married without having children as Jihye mentioned, it does not mean that those actions are logical.
“If not getting married or having children, what is the meaning of dating?
Isn’t it just a waste of time?”
When Jihye heard the question that Sangwoo raised, she seemed lost in thought and remained silent for about a minute before making eye contact with him.
“Sunbae, why do you eat rice?”
“Because I need a source of power.”
“Oh, really, then... Why did you go to school?”
“I will have a higher chance of surviving when I increase our expertise in my major and succeed socially.”
“Yes, that’s true, um... um... oh! Why do you play games?”
“...”
Sangwoo felt a sense of unease as if he had stepped into a trap. Jihye lowered her eyes with a smile as if she could sense his feelings. Although Sangwoo tried to pretend that he didn’t feel anything, he was sweating.
“Um... to stimulate the desire to overcome and provide meaning to life, and to have beneficial aspects such as knowledge, and so on. And...”
“That’s the result, what I’m asking about is different goals.”
Sangwoo, trapped by Jihye’s thoughts, was spinning around looking for a way to escape, but there was no way out. Gaming was an exception in his life because it was something he did without any purpose.
“Because it’s fun. Isn’t that right?”
“...Yes.”
“Well then, it doesn’t contribute to the prosperity of mankind. You don’t have to play games anymore, it’s a waste of time.”
Jihye smiled faintly. Sangwoo thought he didn’t need to listen to what the other side was trying to say, he seemed to understand... Jihye paused for a moment before reiterating to Sangwoo with a confident expression.
“Having a boyfriend is like playing a game, you see. Generally, people date because they like the other person so much that they can’t stand it anymore, but I myself don’t really know.”
“...”
He opened his mouth, but couldn’t come up with a reason to argue back. Sangwoo was at a loss for words. Jihye used the hammer of logic to destroy the foundation of his stand.
Suddenly, in Sangwoo’s mind, there were images of the nights he spent with Jang Jaeyoung, flashing by like a fast-paced movie. He worked and had sex with the other party, but then Sangwoo realized that the time he didn’t spend with Jaeyoung on those things seemed even longer.
‘Useless.’
There is no denying the fact that it was a wasteful use of time. Jaeyoung often slid next to him and tempted him to play, sometimes playing something provocative that distracted him. However, those seemingly useless moments, which were etched in Sangwoo’s memory without missing a beat, also left a positive impression. Sangwoo felt the pain and tightly clenched his fists.
“If I try to go back to the beginning, the fact that X and Y couldn’t be in a relationship because they were the same gender is not correct. Because they were already in a relationship, even if it’s called a mistake that they shouldn’t have an identity of being a couple, that doesn’t make all the characteristics of dating disappear.”
‘I lost.’
Sangwoo bit his lip as if he had been repeatedly killed, just like everyone who studied humanities unreasonably. When Jihye saw Sangwoo’s face, she took a breath.
“For now, it’s not about winning a debate against me, I have a class at one o’clock in the afternoon, but now I have to skip lunch to help you here.”
“At least go now.”
“There’s only ten minutes left to go eat something. Hurry up.”
Jihye fell silent for a moment before looking into Sangwoo’s eyes and speaking with a serious expression.
“Please tell Mister X, to stop doing useless things and take care of the person he loves. Go do something for them. The other party said he would go...”
“...and as I said, they are not dating.”
“And he should tell Y that if he really wants to go, damnit... Jokingly, I pray five hundred times that they won’t survive.”
“...”
“It’s so frustrating. After the exam, I’ll probably have to go get my eyes checked.”
Jihye ‘s face looked blankly and looked at the sky as if she were an actress in a film. Then, she lifted her bag and stood up from her seat.
“Fight on, Mister Chu. You can do it.”
Before Sangwoo could respond, she smiled and left the classroom. ‘That’s strange.’
Sangwoo sat quietly in an empty room for a long time.
He reflected on the arguments he had had with Jihye multiple times, but in the end, he had to accept, with no other choice, that his standpoint had been annihilated. His life had always been about victories. First place, a hundred points, an example for others, the ultimate.
He was unfamiliar with losing logically in an argument. No, it wasn’t just this time. Lately, all he had were memories of defeat, of being disturbed, disconcerted, intimidated, influenced, deprived, shaken, and stolen from. But the unfamiliar feeling wasn’t just because of the feeling of loss.
‘Even if you say black sheep shouldn’t exist, that won’t make them disappear.’
Jihye’s words lingered in his mind. No matter how much she emphasized to herself that it was a feeling she shouldn’t feel, that she mustn’t feel, and that it was inappropriate, the persistent mistake remained and couldn’t be erased.
‘The desire that blossoms on the physical foundation.’
A small hypothesis had a great impact on Sangwoo’s calm and peaceful world, lowering it to 99°C. Then, the month starting at 100°C, the moment he accepted that the time he spent with Jang Jaeyoung was dating. Sangwoo was disturbed by the desire to do everything with the other person.
Working together, living together, exercising together, playing games together, eating together, watching movies together, sleeping together, studying together, taking pictures together, buying clothes together, and everything else that came to mind, the strange and constant desire turned into a feeling of wanting to live together in one house, get married, have a child similar to the other person, and the feeling was so intense that it seemed abnormal, clearly showing that he had gone so far as to make a goal that would never be true in biology.
‘Have you gone crazy, Chu Sangwoo?’
Sangwoo tapped his head with his fist. It didn’t matter if the time he spent with Jang Jaeyoung was love or not and whether or not he could be with the other person. It no longer had any meaning. In less than a month, July will come. By then, it would be useless, truly useless.
‘What do you want me to do?’
The question Jaeyoung left behind was no different from a riddle.
“What can I do? Nothing at all.”
Sangwoo pondered to himself, rising from his seat without realizing that lunch break had ended, and students for the next class were gradually entering the room.
Sangwoo headed towards the cafeteria, his steps scattered, and he grabbed two spoons and a fork so he could eat with just one spoon, like during military training. His throat hurt because he didn’t clean the fish bone properly.
“Sangwoo-Sunbae. Sangwoo!”
Someone called out to Sangwoo on the way to the library, and instantly, he heard footsteps following, with the figure of someone walking beside him.
“Hey, sunbae. I bought this for you.”
A male student offered a plastic cup containing a black beverage, but Sangwoo waved his hand in refusal.
“I already have coffee to drink.”
“You have fine taste... Then I’ll buy something else for you another time.”
“No need, why would you buy coffee for me?”
“Oh, because of you I have got a good score, I have to buy it for you!”
Does that mean the score from the mini-project presented yesterday was released? When Sangwoo asked what score he received, the other person answered that he got nineteen, the highest score. Hearing that, Sangwoo tilted his head.
“Strange, they must have deducted one point somewhere.”
“... It was deducted in the presentation skills, four points. Sorry.”
The other person apologized repeatedly, but Sangwoo thought it wasn’t important anymore. He had lost interest in scores in this group.
“Oh, everyone was so excited about the fantastic slide. Sunbae, you didn’t make it yourself, did he?”
“No, a graphic design student made it.”
“That’s right... I thought so. Many people want to have that template. Can I send it to them?”
“No, it’s mine. The rights to view and use it are mine alone. You also should delete it forever.”
“That is going too far.”
They walked together to the library. It was a warm sunny day, a hot season that arrived unnoticed, causing even a slight movement to produce sweat along the spine. It had been a long time since anyone walked beside him, but the other side was not the person Sangwoo wanted to be with. He could feel the longing, which, even though strong-willed, covered him.
“Do you not join coding clubs or academic associations, sunbae?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“There are plenty of open sources to study programming by yourself, right?
The experts on the web are better than students.”
“I’m considering whether to join an academic association next semester or not. So, not joining is better, right?”
“You decide that yourself.”
“Hmm. No, please give me some advice.”
‘Why are you being so annoying?’
Sangwoo frowned and walked faster. It wasn’t like this before, but now everyone seemed to think he was easy to approach.
“It seems like a lot of people are leaving there. It’s like a drama club.”
When he heard the murmuring voices of this junior, his feet immediately stopped. As the other side said, at the point he pointed to, there were many people gathered together.
________________________________________.
[1] Core, or the brain of the CPU, used for primary processing. In this case, Sangwoo probably compares social structure to a computer, and one of the main components of that structure is employment.
[2] DINKs, “Double, Income, No, Kids.” The lifestyle of modern people who focus on dual income, getting married and living together without children.