[T/N] I apologize for grammar mistakes and incoherencies
Chapter 9: Router
I woke up on a new morning feeling unlike usual, the bitterness haunting me all night until I fell asleep without realizing when. Deep down, I still remember the moments of bliss, but now I feel more desolate, lonely, and isolated than usual. I don't know why this anxiety has overwhelmed me so much.
Suddenly, tears flowed out of fear of something I couldn't define, and seeing the note stuck on the headboard, a sharp pain shot through my feelings.
I hope Macau is happy every day.
I'll be by your side. I won't go anywhere, and see you soon.
Top
A flood of emotions crashed over me, leaving a sudden emptiness, the vulnerability I've always felt intensified now more than ever. Despite trying to recall last night's events, fear took over heavily.
I'm not disappointed about what happened between me and Phii Top, but these crazy feelings make me restless, almost unable to find peace, to the point where I had to open the balcony wide and light a cigarette, my hands trembling so much that I dropped it several times.
I have depression, diagnosed by a specialist, and all this might be a flare-up or a side effect of the nearly ten pills I take daily. I'm tired of treatment and sometimes think that living on might be scarier than death itself.
I inhaled nicotine into my lungs repeatedly until the tears from emptiness stopped. I wish the happiness from last night could stay with me forever, and with that thought, I walked back into the room, opened my desk drawer, and took out a well-sealed amber glass bottle, setting it on the table, looking at it with great confusion.
Even though people might see me as a kid, the youngest in the mafia family, perhaps not bearing as much as the older brothers did before. That might have been true once, but when everything changes, time changes, feelings change, and status changes, it makes me realize how terrifying change can be.
I carry a lot of pain and severe wounds because the past has shattered me to pieces, with matters concerning dad, Hia Vegas, and the Second family. No matter how strong one is, one cannot avoid the loss that brings eternal sorrow and grief. I feel like I've been pushed into a world so dark with no way out, to the point where I started desperately yearning for death. Even now, I still have the foolish thought of dealing with my feelings by slowly reaching for the whiskey bottle, starting to use force to open it, and at that moment...
“It's time to eat, my dear!”
The loud voice of Phii Pete's grandmother echoed throughout the house, making me halt all my actions abruptly.
“Cau, Pete, Arm... let's eat together.” A warm feeling in my heart contrasted with the torment, returning once again. Images of Hia, Phii Pete, Venice, or even Grandma Jui flashed back into my mind. Eating together, which was unfamiliar, the noisy chatter that was headache-inducing, the chaos I tried to avoid, was now filled with the smiles of everyone I loved. So, I pulled myself together, hurried to the bathroom to freshen up, changed clothes, and went downstairs immediately.
“Good morning, Grandma.”
“Cau, come here, let's eat. I fried pork and boiled water spinach... oh, that Vegas, always waking up late, come down already!” With her demeanor, tone, and the aroma of food wafting through the house, I couldn't help but smile slightly before asking about Grandma.
“Where's Phii Pete?”
“He's with his friend in the tech room over there.” Grandma pointed towards the room next to the house before busily scooping curry and rice onto the dining table with intent.
“I'll go get Phii Pete.”
“Yeah, yeah, go ahead. I'll go check on Tanis too.”
I smiled at Grandma again before heading to find Phii Pete, and probably Phii Arm too, not sure what happened or why Phii Arm was at my house this early. Phii Arm is Phii Pete's regular bodyguard stationed at the main family house.
“Can you fix it?” Phii Pete's worried voice sounded before I even saw him. The tech room in my house isn't grand like the main family's; it's just a small room not particularly well-maintained. Bodyguards don't regularly station here; anyone passing by or wanting a break can come in to escape or use the air conditioning. I often heard Phii Pete complain but never got around to fixing it.
“Ahem.”
I walked over and tapped him on the back, feeling a bit hesitant because Phii Pete was standing with his arms crossed, watching Phii Arm fussing over the computer screen and a tangle of wires with a stressed look.
“Oh! Macau.”
When he turned and saw me, a smile immediately appeared on his face.
“What happened?”
“The CCTV camera system probably got hit by the rain.”
I looked at the room, which was soaked with water, the computer desk controlling the system was in disarray, connections were almost non-existent, and the windows and curtains were wide open, covered in muddy stains. I was quite shocked to see the state of the room, looking like it had barely survived a tornado. It felt terrible. Who was careless enough to leave the doors and windows open?
“You really need to get someone to properly guard this place, Pete. It's beyond repair, everything's a mess.”
“Yeah. Find someone competent to help out. Last night, I was short on guards at the Second family, so I missed this room.”
“What happened last night?”
Phii Pete was silent for a moment, then glanced at me before quickly shaking his head to respond to Phii Arm with a rather uncomfortable expression. Phii Pete's body was almost a hundred percent bodyguard instinct, flowing through him. I myself was starting to feel nervous, turning away to fiddle with the wet curtains to ease the lump in my throat, fearing that Pete might find out about last night, which I wasn't sure was right or wrong.
“No, I saw the heavy rain and was afraid of robbers, but if I can't help, then so be it.”
“Nothing strange happened in the house, right?” Phii Arm looked at Phii Pete, who was silent again, before nodding slightly as if to say, “Let's get on with it.” I was sure he didn't know about the incident between me and Phii Top, but he must have noticed something off about me.
“...Hmm.”
“I'll check the system again, and I'll send Boom to help out here too.” Phii Arm sighed softly and then went to deal with the wiring and circuits.
“Thank you, hey! You guys, go get some cloth to wipe and clean this room.” Phii Pete shouted, calling the bodyguards who promptly obeyed and hurried to do as told.
After checking everything, Phii Pete turned to look at me directly, then quickly used both hands to hold my shoulders with a worried expression and tone.
“Uh... Macau, have you eaten... what's wrong?”
“A bit of a headache.”
I quickly looked down in response, recalling that I had just cried, my eyes likely still swollen and red. Even though I had washed my face.
“Have you taken medicine? Should you go back to sleep?” Phii Pete placed his hand on my forehead to check my temperature.
“...” I shook my head and tried to smile back as normally as possible.
“Then, let's go to the café this afternoon, do you want to take some photos?” I hugged Phii Pete out of habit, positive energy flowing into my heart like a charger, making me feel relieved and safe, “Let's go then... Arm, don't forget to set it up, man.” Phii Pete hugged me and was about to lead me out of here to the dining room where the smell of food wafted out to the outside.
“Oh! You're acting like I am a servant now, huh? The matter with tech is giving me a headache.”
Phii Arm's words made Phii Pete turn slightly to glance back. The last sentence he spoke softly, I couldn't quite catch it myself.
“Huh?”
“Nothing, please come and have a meal, my dear venerable father.” Phii Arm said sarcastically, causing Phii Pete to roll his eyes before they walked back into the house together.
“Alright, let's go eat then! Come on, Macau, let's eat.”
After finishing the morning activities with the family, I started to feel more settled. Whether it was due to the delicious food, the lively atmosphere, or the care and attention I received, the pain strangely subsided. Until Phii Pete took me to a cat café that wasn't too crowded, and I met...
“Didn't sleep enough, huh? I ordered a hot chocolate for you to make you feel better, with marshmallows too!” Phii Top, who was now sitting with me in a quiet corner of the café, just the two of us, because Phii Pete had him check on me since I seemed a bit unwell.
“Thank you.”
I picked up the cup of hot chocolate and blew on it slowly to cool it down, still not daring to look at him much. I was in a state of awkwardness because my mind was overwhelmed with thoughts about last night, even though I had just been in his arms and it had only been less than 7 hours since we parted. I felt uneasy and nauseous for some reason.
“What's wrong, Macau?” Phii Top leaned down, looking at me with concern. I felt embarrassed and shy. When people have something going on and then meet each other in such a normal way, how can one adjust? At least give us some time.
“...”
“Feeling bad?” Phii Top reached out to ruffle my hair and smiled kindly back at me, causing me to meet his eyes for just a moment. “It's not just a fleeting mood, you know. I want you to let go and accept what has happened. Last night was the best time for me, did you know?” He said, then used his thumb to wipe away a smudge of chocolate from the corner of my mouth from when I had just taken a sip. His gaze and actions made everything feel surprisingly relaxed, allowing me to voice what was on my mind, no matter how hard it was.
“But Phii Top... I don't know why. I feel more pain than pleasure. Shouldn't I be happy?”
“Hmm... Actually, it's not strange at all for you to feel this way. After the peak release of happiness chemicals, your hormone and chemical levels drop suddenly, changing rapidly. Our bodies can't adjust quickly enough, it's called PDC, post-coital dysphoria. It will slowly get better, and you should try to relax, eat chocolate with phenylethylamine, it helps reduce stress.”
I bit my lip and nodded. Phii Top added more marshmallows to my cup, making me smile slightly at his care, and the turmoil in my head led me to ask a silly question to clarify my feelings.
“Phii Top... last night... was it really good?”
I stirred the chocolate in my cup slowly, waiting for his answer with a mix of anticipation and anxiety.
“If you feel uncomfortable, I'm not on duty tomorrow. How about I pick you up at the university?” He reached out to stroke my hair gently, his eyes meeting mine briefly, causing an unexpected shyness in me.
“Where are we going?”
“Dinner. A movie, or if you don't want me to pick you up at the university, that's fine too.”
“...” I raised my eyebrows at Phii Top, curious. He was making a playful face, seemingly teasing my emotions before leaning in to whisper softly by my ear.
“I can meet in your room like usual, okay?”
“Phii Top!” I pushed his shoulder away before a smile broke out on my face, one I couldn't hide any longer.
“So, what are we going to do now?” He tilted his head, looking at me with a stern face that made me unable to stop smiling, forcing me to say the next sentence reluctantly with utmost embarrassment.
“So... let's have dinner. Watch a movie... at my place.”
“Huh?” He grinned, showing a satisfied expression. I, now starting to lose my composure, quickly pointed outside the cafe.
“Phii Arm is here. We can go now, Phii Top.”
I closed my eyes and pushed him away, still trying to get closer.
“I told you already.”
“Mmh.”
“You're mean.”
He ruffled my hair again. My carefully styled hair was now a mess, making me frown and quickly brush his hand away, looking at him with displeasure. Yet, my gaze still followed his back as he walked away, his face still bearing a smile, trying to suppress his feelings but now unable to.
The gloomy mood began to fade bit by bit. It felt indescribably good after receiving a look of concern, the chocolate that helped me relax, and the worries and tension eased, fading away almost completely.
“Watch him for me, I'll be right back.”
Phii Pete placed Venice on my lap. I looked up with a slight exhaustion, then at the fluffy creature that wasn't as restless as usual. He just stared at the four-legged, fluffy animal running around with an arrogant look as if he were Hia Vegas.
“Cat, it's called a cat.” I pointed at the cats and spoke slowly for Venice to understand.
“Meow... me.” Venice tried to mimic me, but for a human still smelling of milk, that was good enough.
“Yeah! Cat... oh!” And when I wasn't careful, Venice jumped off my lap, and his head tilted back slightly, making me panic and grab his shirt to prevent his head from hitting the ground. You, oh you! If something happens, Phii Pete will definitely blame me.
“Meow, me.” Once Venice regained his composure, he quickly crawled into the cat enclosure, causing the animals to scatter.
“Venice, watch out, they might scratch you!” I chased after Venice, who was crawling all over the enclosure. Thankfully, today he was in a good mood, not crying or whining like he usually does following Phii Pete everywhere, though he did occasionally look for him. We, the two of us, played with toys in front of us, including yarn, balls, wind-up toys, tunnels, and slides. I tried my best to take care of Venice because, looking out the window, I saw Phii Pete looking very stressed, along with Phii Top. I didn't want to cause any trouble and tried to ease their burden.
Then we returned to playing with the cats in the enclosure. I taught Venice various things, including the popular pick-up line I wanted to pass on to him.
“Do you like cats? When you grow up, you can use this line: 'Hey, want to go see the cats in my room?' Now, try saying it.” I teased him, though he wasn't very interested, until I lightly tapped his bottom, “You're really dumb! Can't even say this much.” I said triumphantly, seeing that Venice seemed completely clueless.
I completely disconnected from the outside world, and everything around me seemed brighter. Venice crawled through the tunnel, chasing and meowing loudly. I sat surrounded by three or four cats, feeling an indescribable warmth, a relief as if a mountain had been lifted off my chest, making everything feel light and airy. I forgot the pain for a moment, focusing solely on what was in front of me. The innocence and purity really had a profound effect on my feelings.
“Ah... uh.”
“It doesn't hurt to try, don't be a scaredy-cat!!!”
I lifted Venice onto a small slide and encouraged him to slide down, but he clung tightly to my arm, making a face like he was about to cry.
“G... ah...”
“Try it!!! Come on!”
I left him there and went to wait at the bottom. The distance was just two rulers long, not scary at all, but Venice looked so pitiful.
“Daddy Pete is here... slide down quickly.” I pointed at Phii Pete and clapped my hands to encourage Venice, who was hesitant sliding down. Venice pouted slightly and slid towards Daddy-Pete, who had just sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulder.
“Macau...”
“Yes, Phii Pete.” I caught Venice as he slid down with a bitter feeling, before he wriggled free and darted towards his daddy.
“Did you have fun, sweetie...?” Phii Pete hugged and kissed Venice heartily. So, I answered on behalf of Venice.
“Not really fun, he just kept looking for you Phii Pete, really attached to Daddy-Pete... I might hide Daddy-Pete, make him disappear.” I teased Venice, making him start to pout with his mouth forming an 'i' shape, tears welling up, looking utterly ridiculous!!!
“Ohhh. Macau is joking, Daddy is right here.” I burst into laughter, having successfully teased Venice, serves you right!! Always stealing my love.
“Wah!” And then Venice burst into tears, flailing into Phii Pete's lap with a tantrum, causing Phii Pete to look between us with exasperation. After a deep sigh, he...
“Ray, come here.”
Phii Pete called someone to sit with us, creating an atmosphere that seemed to grow increasingly awkward.
“Yes?” I watched everything with a fading smile, as I mentioned, I feel unsafe around strangers and dislike changes. I felt Phii Pete was about to do something, and the newcomer was probably involved with me. I hate unpredictability.
“Nopp is currently overwhelmed with our home situation, lots of responsibilities at the company, and I'm very worried about all three of you.” Phii Pete spoke slowly and gave me a faint smile as if luring me into something, which made me feel uneasy.
“This matter will only be known to the three of us. No, four, including Venice.” Phii Pete tried to sound cheerful and looked at Venice, who was sucking on his own toes.
“Phii Pete, what does that mean?” I looked down, asking him with fear.
“Ray will come to look after you and Venice when I have business outside. We'll tell the people at home that Ray is a friend of mine from the south. Is that okay?”
I didn't like the sentence he said at all. It seemed like Phii Pete was going to leave or find someone to replace him. Throughout all this time, Phii Pete would never leave me anywhere. Especially Venice, who is more protected than an egg on a rock, would never agree to this. He wouldn't even allow a nanny to look after the kid. So what's happening now? Does someone have a problem with Hia? Is Phii Pete going to run away? Does Phii Pete have so much business that he can't look after me? Isn't this too strange?
“Does this mean you won't look after me anymore? Why send someone else? Where are you going?” I asked everything my mind could process, no matter how much it repeated itself, and then a lump formed in my throat. Realizing I had led myself to a point of desolation, loneliness, and loss again? My mother isn't here, my dad is gone, my status has changed abruptly, everything happens so suddenly, is it the same this time?
“No, no, Macau... not Macau.” I looked at Ray with a not-so-good expression before Phii Pete started rubbing my shoulders to comfort me.
“Did Hia do something to upset you, Phii Pete? Can I apologize on behalf of Hia? But please don't go, don't leave me.” I clung to Phii Pete's arm, trying to hug him, but Venice pushed me away with his foot. I was trembling with fear. I didn't want the people I love to leave me again.
“It's not like that at all. I just feel that we trust Nopp now. We should find another person we can trust. We know the bodyguards in the house are from the Main family. Macau doesn't like that, right?” I nodded slowly, trying to follow his reasoning. “When I go out on business, and you and Venice have to stay home alone, would it be okay if Ray looks after you?” I was still uncomfortable with those sentences from Pete. How am I now? I can't open my heart to anyone new... I don't want to get to know or have anyone new in my life. Because I'm afraid, afraid of losing, and the more people, the more my worries increase, and I don't want to have expectations of anyone.
“But you're not going away completely, right? Like running away or something like that.”
“It's not like that, I won't disappear from you, I'll always be by your side, I promise to fulfill what I've promised, but when I'm not around, can Ray help take care and report to me? So I can truly feel assured that you and Venice are safe.” Phii Pete wiped the tears from my face with his finger. I looked at him pleadingly until Phii Pete nodded with a firm look in his eyes, causing me to close my eyes and try to think things over to keep from getting too distracted.
“Anything, as long as you don't leave me...” I hugged Phii Pete again, holding him tightly as if afraid he would disappear, and I stayed in his embrace for quite a while. Even though Venice was causing trouble, eventually, the gloom around me was shattered by the voice of a newcomer.
“My name is Ray... if you want to go out alone without the Main family’s guards, feel free to call me.” He smiled at me in a friendly manner.
“Ray has worked with me for a while now, he's trustworthy and versatile. He can definitely protect you, but this is confidential for now, I haven't told your Hia yet, I'll introduce him to Hia myself.”
Phii Pete looked at me with expectant eyes and some hidden meaning, causing me, still not fully understanding, to yield to the situation. I don't know what Hia and the others are doing right now, but I'll always remember not to be a burden to the one I love.
“Phii Pete's friend from the south. I'll remember this.”
“Let's exchange numbers. Ray, report anything to me. And Macau, if you want to go anywhere, tell Ray.” I nodded and handed my phone to Ray, seeing Phii Pete's relieved face once again, and I thought what I was doing now was right.
“You don't have to trust me right away, but I'll take care of things as Khun Pete loves...” He seemed good and very kind. So I nodded, interacting with him a bit, and before everything could settle down, Venice started causing trouble again, making Phii Pete shout loudly.
“Venice!!! Don't chase and bite the cat's tail!!! Venice!!!”
“Venice.” Chaos ensued as Venice chased and bit the cat's tail, forcing me to snap out of my daze.
“I'll help, Khun Pete!” Ray stepped in to help catch Venice.
“Venice, you naughty kid!” I said irritably, seeing Phii Pete quickly pick up Venice and move away from those cute animals, causing me, who was just standing there, to feel restless again when a hand offered me a handkerchief.
“If you don't mind, you can use my handkerchief.” I tried to wipe my tears with my bare hands again, feeling unstable, and looked at the gray handkerchief with discomfort, alternating between Phii Pete and Venice until I had to accept his kindness.
“Thank you.”
“If Khun Macau feels unwell, I'll be another one to protect you, Khun Macau.” And that... is what I feared the most.
Chapter 10: Format
“What did you say? What did you just say, what's that, Cau, what's with you! Speak clearly, friend!” Chay jumped up from the sofa in shock, pacing back and forth with agitation over the story I had just told him.
“Why are you so excited?” I looked at him in confusion, even though he had told me before that if you love someone, you should go for it, don't give up, go all out, make it legendary. I remembered well when he was newly in love with Phii Kim!
“So you're saying you like Phii Top. That's not good! What did you just say, you're with him, huh! Not true, right!!!” Chay acted as if the whole world was about to collapse heavily, he sat down beside me with a face as if he had just heard the most shocking tragedy in the world.
“It's... hard to explain.” Sitting in my friend's bedroom in the main family's house, I could only reflect on the events that had passed, even though it was just a day or two ago, but the confusion kept flooding into my head.
“What's going on!” Chay was still in shock. Even though I told Porchay about various things, I didn't go into detail about why he secretly came into my room, I mean... I went straight to the main point that caught him off guard.
“It's just that...”
“Cau! Phii Top is dating Phii Teekhun.”
“What?” I raised my eyebrows at my friend in disbelief, and I really didn't believe it.
“It's not like they're dating, but he's always coming and going here, isn't he?”
I paused to think about what Porchay said because I had never known what goes on in the Main family after the change in governance. But as far as I can remember, it was only Big Brother who kept trying to get close to Phii Top, right? How could it end up like that?
“It's all vague, but he does take good care of him, doesn't he? I mean, he even sleeps there.” Porchay's words left me speechless. He seemed troubled, and now his expression was as troubled and death-wishing as mine.
The oppressive atmosphere stemming from my feelings combined with the overwhelming silence around me made my mind race more than usual, until...
Knock, knock.
“Excuse me... Khun Macau. Khun Kinn wants to see you.”
I reluctantly nodded to Second Brother's subordinate before Porchay gently squeezed my shoulder and asked with concern,
“Should I go with you?”
“...”
I remained silent, not answering, just walking away with a sigh, unable to settle my thoughts on the events I had unwittingly learned.
“Then I'll go with you. Oh! I'm going crazy. Tell me you're lying.”
Porchay followed behind me, still muttering under his breath. I left Phii Kim's and Porchay's room, walking with furrowed brows indicating my discomfort all the way to Second Brother's room, which stood majestically in the heart of the mafia family's house.
“We'll talk later.”
I turned to tell Porchay, who nodded in acknowledgment, finally managing to quiet his muttering. Second Brother's bodyguard opened the door for me to enter the office, which I hadn't visited in who knows how long, and I couldn't remember what it looked like before. But now, everything seemed grand, befitting the status of the new family leader. The room was decorated with luxurious items, such as a large modern desk, a long imported luxury sofa, and dried auspicious plants in vases reminiscent of royal households from various countries. The room was also partitioned with premium swan and dragon patterned glass, on the other side of which Phii Porsche, his boyfriend and Porchay's brother, was working. The contrast between the two territories was stark; Phii Kinn's side was intimidating with red and gold, while Phii Porsche's was cool and bright with sea blue, yet they blended together surprisingly well.
“Sit down, Macau.” Second Brother said while his eyes were on the large iMac screen, glancing slowly over at me.
“Hello, Second Brother.” I greeted him with a wai and sat on the sofa, my mind not quite settled.
“Chay, go stay with Porsche for now. I just want to check in with Macau.” Second Brother said. Porchay, who had been following close behind, looked uneasy but reluctantly nodded and walked into the room adorned with elegant swan motifs.
“Is everything okay at home?”
“...”
I was looking around with a sense of unfamiliarity and a heart full of chaotic thoughts, causing my mind to drift far away and start to blur the scene before me.
“Macau... Macau... Macau.”
“Yes, Second Brother.” I jolted back to reality, startled when I heard Second Brother call my name loudly.
“Are you still taking your medication?” Second Brother approached me slowly, sitting down beside me, and I shifted slightly away. This was the first time I had seen Second Brother since the power struggle within our family... We seemed distant, even though there had always been a gap and a wall between us, but now it felt higher and thicker than ever.
“Why does your face look so pale? Dr. Top is at Teekhun's room. Should I call him for you?” I turned to look at Second Brother with a slight shock, as if Porchay's previous words were hammering into me. He continued pouring water into a glass and handed it to me. Second Brother's eyes showed concern, but I didn't feel particularly touched.
“...”
The already awkward atmosphere between me and Second Brother became even more stifling. The silence we shared, not looking at each other, made everything feel oppressive to the point where my head started to hurt.
“Macau, no matter what, we're brothers. If there's anything, you can tell me.”
Second Brother reached out to pat my head once and gave me a smile, but it didn't feel like usual at all. In my memory, Second Brother was the kindest among the three brothers, the most caring towards me, the one who shared the most snacks with me, smiled at me the most, and was the most polite. He never said anything to hurt my feelings, but everything changed after the shift. Second Brother became the least concerned about me, incomparable to Big Brother who had been teasing me since we were little... and speaking of Big Brother, I suddenly thought of something.
“Why is Phii Top here, Second Brother?”
“I think... It's an adult matter. Whatever is in the past, forget it. Teekhun is very worried about you, Macau now.” I was so flustered that I started to feel uneasy and asked Second Brother with an unstable feeling.
“What do you mean, Second Brother?”
“All that love, jealousy, rivalry, and teasing between you and Teekhun, it's over. Don't think too much about it. Dr. Top now...”
Before Second Brother could finish, I interrupted him immediately.
“Why is he here?”
Second Brother was silent for a moment, seemingly puzzled by my behavior, before speaking with a serious look.
“They are in love with each other, Teekhun and him.”
Upon hearing that sentence, I stood up from the sofa, averted my gaze elsewhere, and raised my hand to wai Second Brother to say goodbye.
“Second Brother, may I excuse myself?”
“...” Second Brother looked slightly stunned, then nodded in acknowledgment before walking me to the door. “If you need any help, just let me know.” He opened the door, and I stepped outside. Second Brother gave me a kind smile, which I returned with a nod, though my mind was somewhat unfocused.
“Thank you, Second Brother.”
I walked slowly along the path, my feet unexpectedly leading me towards the eastern side of Big Brother's room in a sort of daze, until I found myself standing in front of a large white door without realizing when I had stopped.
“When someone's falling apart, there are two ways to go about it. Either you let go and move on, or you just let yourself go completely, not caring about anything. I'm afraid you might be the latter, Pon... oh, Macau.”
Then a familiar voice came from behind me. It was Phii Pete's friend, Phii Arm, and Phii Pon, the bodyguard of the Main family, snapping me out of my whirlwind of confusing emotions.
“Phii Arm, hello... good evening.” I turned to greet them both with a wai, which Phii Pon hurriedly returned, then quickly spoke up with some urgency.
“Are you here to see the young master? Please, come in.” Phii Pon still treated me with respect. Phii Arm smiled at me but seemed to notice something off.
“...”
“Macau, are you okay...?” Phii Arm asked just as the door opened slightly, then paused by Phii Pon, who looked at me with surprise as well.
“Oh! Phii Top. I'm feeling dizzy.”
Then a voice from inside the room leaked out, loud enough for me to not respond to the Phii Arm’s question, just staring at the doorknob in a silence that engulfed my heart.
Weren't you supposed to be off duty by evening? ...
“What's this, can't handle just this much, huh?”
And that sound only reinforced that the thing I feared most was right in front of me. I was afraid of the feelings I had always harbored for Phii Top, which I had tried not to acknowledge, until he succeeded in delving so deeply that nothing felt right anymore.
“It's not like I'm not focused, my wallet is missing, and there was two hundred and fifty baht in it.”
“Should we be worried about the ID card and all that information? You really are something else.”
As I was immersed in what could be called anguish for a long time, Phii Pon opened the door wider, revealing my still figure standing in front.
“And what about love? Didn't you say you love me?” Big Brother sat closely with Phii Top before his gaze shifted towards me, “Oh! Macau.” He greeted me with surprise, waving me to come inside, but my legs were as stiff as could be, especially with Phii Top's gaze making me lower my head to avoid the trembling that I could barely control.
“...”
“Cau!” Porchay's voice rang out as he half-walked, half-ran towards me, gently grabbing my arm. I knew the energy around me was filled with sorrow, and I should act as normal as possible because now all eyes were on me, making me feel pressured.
“I came to greet Big Brother.”
“Did you eat something wrong, suddenly coming to pay respects? Your manners have improved a lot, come on in.”
Big Brother got up from the sofa, about to walk towards me, but at that moment, I didn't even glance at the person sitting still on the sofa. I gave Big Brother a faint smile with eyes that couldn't look at anyone, because right now, I could barely see anything, everything around me felt empty.
“It's better if I don't, I have something to do. Chay, I'm heading back.”
I quickly pulled away, removing Porchay's hand from my arm, turned around, and rushed down from the second floor of the main house, dashing out of this place as fast as I could. “Damn it! Cau!!!”
“What?”
“Hey! Cau!!! Wait for me too.”
“…”
Porchay grabbed my arm before I could pass through the gate, intending to walk to the alley entrance to hail a taxi because I had called a Grab on the way here, but now I couldn't wait any longer.
“You.”
My steps halted as I turned to look at my friend who was holding my hand, his face showing concern mixed with great discomfort. Before I hugged my dear friend, my heart was fluttering, not knowing what to do next. Cry? Stare blankly? Play sad music. I really didn't know; I was confused and frustrated to the point of madness, yet no tears fell, as if everything was stuck in the middle of my chest.
“What should I do?”
“Damn! Is this for real?” Porchay slowly patted my back to comfort me. I knew well that no one could help with this because it stemmed from me, and it was a matter between two people that was difficult, “Kim will be back soon. Wait for Kim to take you.” Porchay tightened his hug, but I shook my head, declining his kindness, “And how would I get back? I'm not good at driving, otherwise, I would take you.” Porchay slightly pulled back to look at my face, checking how bad I was at that moment, and then,
“Khun Macau... why did you come outside without telling me?”
“…”
It was Ray who drove up in a black Audi, parking in front of me, getting out with an anxious demeanor.
“Who's that, Cau, he's super handsome.” Porchay whispered in my ear, turning to look at him, who had suddenly changed his mood as if someone had flipped a switch.
“A friend of Phii Pete.”
“Oh.”
“I'm going now.”
Without delay or waiting for permission, I quickly walked over, opened the passenger door, and squeezed myself inside swiftly. I saw Ray nod and smile at Porchay, who was looking on without blinking, before he turned to me and waved goodbye slowly.
“Are we heading back now, sir?” Ray asked as he settled into the driver's seat. I didn't respond, just leaned my head against the window, my gaze drifting outside where everything was still shrouded in darkness, with no path in sight.
“...”
Silence had crept into my mind all day, and it hadn't left yet. I was sinking into a void, surrounded by emptiness.
“Would you like some ice cream, or is there somewhere else you'd like to stop?”
“I'm not ready to go home yet.”
“Sir?” Ray raised his eyebrows in confusion at the traffic light, and as I began to recognize the signs and buildings along the way, I quickly turned to him.
“Anywhere, far away...” I didn't know what kind of look I gave him, but this time I saw Ray's face more clearly than ever before. He smiled at me with kind eyes and kept looking at me until I had to ask again, “Can we?” My voice was frail, as if something inside was about to burst out.
“Yes, sir.” Ray replied, making a U-turn. The kindness of a stranger made something in my throat go back down, still tight in my chest like usual.
Ray drove along the river until he stopped at a quiet pier with a temple at the alley's mouth and a convenience store nearby, resembling a community but devoid of people at this twilight hour. Ray went to buy drinks and snacks for me, and of course, I asked him to buy something that made him quite uncomfortable.
“Khun Macau, you can drink beer. Khun Pete won't mind, right?”
I opened the can of beer and gulped it down thirstily, leaving Ray stunned.
“Who cares.”
I said carelessly. We sat dangling our legs at the riverbank. Even though the water was high, the concrete edge we were perched on was strong enough to keep us safe.
“Khun Pete is really worried about you,Khun Macau.” Ray turned to look at me. I glanced slightly before chugging a large can of beer, then slowly reached into my pocket to pull out a cigarette case along with a lighter, causing Ray to look away towards the river view.
“Is that so, and what about the others?” I asked, holding a cigarette in my mouth, not expecting much from the question.
“...” Ray didn't respond, and I exhaled the smoke I had inhaled deeply into my lungs repeatedly, as if nicotine could cleanse the torment in my heart, “If not, would you like some chocolate?” Ray offered me a bar of chocolate. I glanced at it with a slight twitch in my heart, then quickly looked away, reminded of the time Phii Top ordered chocolate and marshmallows for me after I felt depressed after my first sexual experience. The kind words, the warm look, they lingered in my memory like a recurring image, refusing to let me accept today's events.
“...Is it raining again?” I muttered softly, still drinking my third can of alcohol quickly, mixed with the cigarette in my hand, starting to feel a bit dizzy.
“It's a storm.” Ray ate his chocolate and sat quietly with me, occasionally speaking. Even though it was raining in the dark evening, Ray showed no sign of leaving me alone... I must be beyond consolation now. If I shed a tear, I'd look weak and pitiful.
“Ray... do I look pitiful?” The fourth can of beer made me start to ramble and overthink everything, accidentally saying something to someone I'm not close with.
“I don't know the details, but I think Khun Macau is stronger than I thought.” Ray's words made me pause slightly. Even though he was trying to comfort the widespread sorrow emanating from me.
“Strong, huh?”
“And cheerful, endearing. Not like what I initially thought.” Ray continued with a slight chuckle.
“What did you initially think?” I looked at him, continuing to drink my beer.
“Hmm...” Ray paused for a moment before speaking frankly with a sincerity I could feel, “Arrogant. Doesn't care about anyone, hard to reach, and probably quite ruthless, I guess.” Ray broke into a wide smile and scratched his head in embarrassment, perhaps not being very good at stringing words together.
“If that was before, then probably yes.” I couldn't help but smile at his fear yet bravery to speak out, and I held out a can of beer as if to toast, “Cheers, why is it Coke?” Ray clinked his can of Coke against mine before I furrowed my brows in dissatisfaction.
“I have to drive Khun Macau.” Ray replied honestly, making me think and nod in agreement. Getting caught by Phii Pete and Hia would surely mean a scolding for me!
“Sigh...”
“...”
The two of us sat there until my fourth can of beer was empty and the rain started to subside. Luckily, it was just a light drizzle today, so we weren't too wet. He's quite a decent person. Not careless. Not annoying. And being around him doesn't feel suffocating; it actually feels surprisingly good. I have few friends and am not very social, aside from Porchay. There's no one else I'd call a “close friend” anymore. So, I feel that the person Phii Pete sent isn't bad at all.
“Drop me off here.”
“Um. Phii Pete said not to let Hia know yet. No need to go in, and thanks a lot.”
Ray parked beside my house's fence, looking slightly concerned. He checked the distance from the gate to the car, which wasn't far, so he allowed me to get out. He didn't forget his parting words with a smile that, although not as bright as Phii Pete's, was still quite cheerful.
“Okay. If you want to go somewhere, call me.”
After closing the car door, I waved slightly as the car moved away. I watched the taillights turn out of the main road and slowly exhaled, then walked towards my house out of habit. Just a few steps more and I'd be at my gate as I thought, but...
“Macau.”
“Phii Top.” The figure of a familiar person appeared before me, startling me slightly with his unexpected timing, my heart pounding as if he were the most terrifying thing at this moment.
“Why did you skip our meeting?”
“Meeting?”
I asked, almost in disbelief. Not because of his words, but because he was standing right in front of me, wearing the same blue hoodie and sweatpants he had on the day he secretly climbed into my room.
“We were supposed to have dinner and watch a movie in your room today.” Phii Top pulled me along to a secluded spot beside the fence where no one could see, and of course, it was devoid of life because the surrounding area was overgrown with weeds, and the rain, which seemed to have stopped, started falling again from the sky.
“Let go, Phii Top.” I tried to resist, but with the beer and cigarettes I had consumed, I felt dizzy and weak, like a soap opera character who, despite appearing stubborn, had no real strength to fight back.
“What's wrong with you, Macau?”
When Phii Top pulled me close with desire, pressing his body against mine, I quickly shook him off and avoided his gaze.
“Don't you need to be with Big Brother, Phii Top?” The sentence, so ordinary yet cutting deep into my heart. I felt a sudden pain, heavier than ever before, and tears started to flow uncontrollably.
“Macau...” Phii Top reached out to wipe the tears from my cheek, but I quickly brushed his hand away, causing him to sigh deeply, “Sigh... I bought this for you, try opening it.”
“...”
I turned my face away, trying not to engage at all, even as he brought his forehead close to mine. But I pressed myself against the dirty fence beside my house with all my might.
“Macau...” Phii Top continued to place something in my hand, and finally, he managed to grasp my hand and give me something to hold. But the feeling was so overwhelming that it burst into a flood of tears, sobs, and pain that couldn't be stopped. Now, all I could do was let out all my emotions, especially words that might ease this excruciating moment.
“You didn't have to do this to me, Phii Top. In your eyes, I must seem very pitiful, don't I? You must find me so wretched that you have to approach me by trampling on my feelings like this?” I threw the bag away from me, and Phii Top tried to touch my face.
“It's not like that, Macau, it's not like that at all.”
“I am pitiful, but I feel more self-pity!” I shouted loudly. Luckily, the rain was falling with thunder, masking our unusual scene from the bystanders.
“Why say something like that? Have you been drinking? Macau, the illness you have...”
“Can you stop saying illness, illness, illness? That so-called illness is just an excuse for the weak, yes! I am weak, but that doesn't mean I have to be your tool.”
“Tool for what?” Phii Top frowned and tried to shield me from the continuous rain.
“You should go take care of Big Brother. I'm not foolish anymore, overthinking about my first time and letting it become a lifelong issue!” I tried to shake everything off, but Phii Top wouldn't give me the chance. The more I spoke my mind, the more he looked troubled. He seemed pleading, holding my wrist tightly all the while.
“Macau!”
“Why? Did I say something wrong?” I turned to face him challengingly, raising an eyebrow in my pitiful state.
“Macau, you are upset, come here.” He still held me firmly before bending down to pick up the bag I had thrown, which wasn't far. Phii Top reached for it and grabbed it in one motion. Inside the bag was a box, and inside the box was a camera, a yellow Polaroid with film featuring cute patterns. I took the time to free my hand from Phii Top's while he was setting up the camera, and then...
Snap!
“Phii Top!!!”
Phii Top turned the camera towards us, resting his chin on my shoulder from behind, and quickly took a selfie of the two of us.
“Look! Even though you look grumpy, the picture still looks good, right?” Phii Top shook out the film from the camera and handed it to me to see, but as usual, I quickly turned my face away, not even glancing at it.
“What do you want!” I asked sharply.
“I need to take care of Teekhun as his personal doctor, but I willingly take care of you with my feelings.” He said, leaning in to kiss my cheek, seizing the moment quickly, so I had to push away the touch because... I didn't want to remember any feelings anymore. Because everything in front of me was just painful. Even the bitter memories were a stain I didn't know how to remove.
When will everyone stop giving me pain? Do you know that my life now is scarier than death?
“Should I be grateful?”
“Macau.”
“I'm not so pitiful that you need to get involved to heal me, or you need to handle my feelings. I can take care of myself, so you can go back.”
“...”
Chapter 11: Pixel
I brought the glass to my lips and tilted it to taste the beautiful, amber-colored drink that looked enticing, but it was bitter and had an unpleasant smell. But damn it!... I didn't care about its flaws at all. The intoxication had consumed everything. Even my feelings were so empty that it scared me.
My fear has been multiplying exponentially. I drink alcohol to get adrenaline flowing into my body because I've realized that the scariest thing is “emptiness.”
For me, emptiness means death, but it doesn't mean I'm afraid of death itself. When people talk about death, they usually fear the pain before dying because everyone wants to die peacefully without any pain. But I feel differently. I can endure torment and pain because I think my life now isn't so bad, but I fear the emptiness after death more. It would be desolate, with no memories or feelings left, which I want to keep, like the stories of our family when we were all together as kids. That's all.
Knock, knock.
“Macau... Macau.”
Phii Pete's voice came from outside the door. I lay still for a moment before slowly closing my eyes in fear, then half-opening them, sealing and hiding the bottle of liquor again, and placing it in the drawer like usual, then walking towards the voice as if I were a lifeless corpse.
“Yes.” I opened the door just a bit, so Phii Pete wouldn't notice anything too unusual, but could I really hide it? Phii Pete immediately showed a concerned face because ever since I chased Phii Top away last night and ran back home with my last ounce of strength, I hadn't seen any of the brothers. Even though Phii Pete tried to get me to come down for meals or to take grandma to the airport, I pretended to stay in my room until late afternoon.
“Porchay is here.” Phii Pete said with evident discomfort. He didn't take his eyes off my state even with Porchay standing right in front of me. I followed suit.
“Come in.” I hid behind the door, opening it wider, inviting my friend, who looked just as tense as Phii Pete.
“Take care of him, Chay.” Phii Pete said before the door closed and was locked securely. I sprawled myself out on the bed, and immediately Porchay's voice burst out as if he couldn't hold it in any longer.
“Have you been drinking? Since morning? Didn't go to school? Didn't go tutoring? Hey, Cau! Why did Phii Top do this to you...?”
“Don't...” I quickly spoke up with a voice loud enough, then continued with a forced tone that felt suffocating throughout my body, “Don't mention that name.” I swallowed my feelings before closing my eyes still, feeling dizzy to the point of almost vomiting.
“What did he do to you? Tell me everything.” Porchay sat down next to me, causing the bed to sink, making me feel it.
“Chay...” I said weakly.
“Huh?”
“Do you think death is very scary?” I opened my eyes again, despite the torment from the alcohol circulating in my body, almost unbearable.
“Shut up! Don't talk like that, anything but that, Macau, but if you're going to die because of someone, it shouldn't be because...” Porchay started before I cut him off, knowing what he was going to say.
“Something stupid, right?”
“No.” Porchay sighed, his voice confused. He placed his hand gently on my forehead, brushing my hair back tenderly. A feeling of relief somehow flowed into my mind, and emotions poured out.
“I lost my dad, I lost the Second family, I lost Hia's smile, I lost feelings, I've lost everything to the point of losing myself.” The painful sentence was spoken with a voice devoid of strength. I was tired not from drinking and drinking, but from living, which made me so weak.
“You can remember your dad, and the Second family isn't that important. Phii Vegas is still with you, and you have Phii Pete who loves you a lot. Family is more complete than before, which I've told you, and most importantly, you have me, man. Even though we've only recently become close, you know? You're an important friend in my life, Cau.” I glanced at my friend through a blurry vision as if everything around was painted with impressionist brush strokes, lacking structure, like an optical illusion. Nothing was clear, including my own feelings.
“When Hia went to the hospital, I remember, you tried to comfort me, talked to me even though at that time I found it very annoying.” I said with a slight smile, thinking back to the days when we first met.
“Ah.” Chay pulled away and exclaimed in frustration. I removed his hand from my head and held it tightly against my left chest, as if afraid that this trust would slip away from me.
“Heh... But I know you and your brother are genuinely sincere, more so than my own family. But let me ask you, Chay. If that day I wasn't pitiful, if my dad hadn't died, if my brother hadn't been hospitalized, if the Second family was still around... would you still want to be close to me?” I swallowed hard with trepidation. Though it was a question that would scare me and reinforce some obvious truths, I wanted to hear from those around me just how pitiful I was.
“I believe there's no such thing as coincidence. We lose something, but we always gain something in return. That day, I did feel pity, a lot of pity, but I didn't have to be your friend or stay with you until now.” I smiled and nodded, acknowledging the straightforwardness of my friend. It was the answer I feared, the pity that everyone sees in me, but it struck deeper hearing it from a close friend.
“...”
“It's possible, you know, for pity to turn into love. I don't see you as just a normal friend; you're family, man! If you were really that pathetic, someone like me wouldn't stick around, right?” Chay was still Chay, saying what he thought, his words one hundred percent sincere, even if they could be blunt and sometimes irritating.
“Because I'm too pitiful, right?” I continued to reinforce my own feelings, which were conflicting. Despite a faint smile on my face, tears streamed down, pitifully, until Chay had to pull his hand away from my grip to wipe the tears from my face, saying something so casually that it made my brows furrow suddenly.
“Kim once told me... that he was with me because he pitied me.”
“...”
“But I never gave up, man! I know how pitiful I look when I want something badly. I chased after him, he pushed me away, told me to die, insulted me in every way, but in the end, I was the one who was most patient and ready to stand by him.”
I couldn't believe what my friend was saying. We never asked about each other's personal lives. The day we became friends, I knew him as Phii Kim's boyfriend, who was my cousin, and I never imagined what he had been through, because Porchay himself seemed brave, fearless, and stronger than me, without knowing that he too had his own heartaches, and more so, it was something close to me, related to my own family again.
“Do you think Phii Kim really loves you?”
“Before, I would have told you no, but now I dare say Kim is the most loving person in the world, sometimes maybe even loving me more than anyone else.” Porchay's voice sounded uneven, especially the last sentence, which was so faint it was almost inaudible. It made me look at him again in astonishment.
“And...”
I had questions about what Porchay said; it seemed to have a strange implication, but he cut me off before I could finish my sentence.
“When I talk about me and Kim, I don't mean to imply that you should compare or that I'm bragging at you, but effort never betrays anyone, man.”
Porchay stopped wiping the area around my eyes and leaned close to me, and we both stared at the ceiling aimlessly.
“The person who can say this sentence is someone who has succeeded, but what about the one who fails, Chay? Not everyone achieves success through effort like you think everyone does.” I spoke my mind because only those who succeed say that waiting was worth it, and it's very hard for my current situation.
“And how many times has the unsuccessful one tried? If today you don't succeed, tomorrow you start again, keep doing it until you succeed, that's what real effort is. You're the same, Cau, I know you've been through a lot and are facing many things. You're great for having made it this far, but I think you can be even greater, man. The one who truly loves is ready to support, has a lot of faith, but do you choose to see it? You don't have to count me, but the one who loves you the most in the world is Phii Vegas, man.” His long sentence pierced my heart, making me shudder as I thought of my brother, causing me to bury my face into my friend's shoulder, hugging him like a scared child.
“If you were Hia, would you be disappointed in me?”
“Effort never hurts anyone; it's expectations that hurt us.” Porchay stroked my arm soothingly, allowing me to ease the overwhelming fear in my heart, feeling a bit lighter, “No one deserves to be expected of, and Hia might be hurt more than you are.” I hugged my good friend tighter than usual. I tried to bury my face in his clothes to hide the overwhelming sorrow that I couldn't stop.
“I'm scared of everything now, Chay, I don't know how to carry these feelings anymore.”
“...share it a bit, at least there's someone to stand by you through the tough times.” Porchay turned to embrace me fully, the warmth filled with sincerity made me unable to hold back my emotions, and I clung to my friend, not wanting to let go for even a moment.
“Sniff...Chay...don't leave me, okay.” I said with a choked voice but firm with feelings, trying to emphasize that I meant it, and I wanted him to stay by my side forever.
“I would never leave you. We'll get through this just like we've always done.” Porchay ruffled my hair and continued to comfort me until the anxiety in my heart began to ease bit by bit, and silence enveloped us. Porchay left me to myself for a while, then got up from the bed, walked over, and brought a wet towel to wipe my face and eyes, helping to clear some of the drunken haze.
“You're doing great, you're the best in the world.”
He wiped while talking. Though his face-wiping wasn't gentle like a good person would do, it was more like a real man's rough touch, just getting it done. I couldn't help but smile immediately.
“Heh...”
“What's so funny.” Porchay said with a gruff voice and threw the towel onto me carelessly. Is this how Phii Kim loves? The actions aren't tender, the demeanor is like those tough street kids, unyielding, the way he talks is like he's got a thousand dogs in his mouth. Plus, he's as unpredictable as his brother.
“Has Phii Kim ever told you to go die?” I propped my head up with my hand and leaned over to talk to him, who was now arguing with a bucket and towel in frustration.
“Yeah! Your cousin is so damn annoying.”
“And what did you say back?”
“Heh! Someone like me, my brother taught me well, so knowing he's a rich kid, who would dare let him slip away, I just grabbed him, so hard that he'd die in my arms! Damn, wipe your face again, it stinks of alcohol.” Porchay wiped my face again. Seeing this, I couldn't help but feel affectionate towards his wild nature.
“Damn! You're something else!” I stifled a laugh and lay back down on the bed.
“Me? I'm way above him.” Porchay said proudly before taking the bucket and towel to put them away in the bathroom like usual.
“Yeah, you're driving me crazy.”
“Ohhh! The story between me and Kim, it's more dramatic than a soap opera, he plays his tricks, I play my back at him, he acts up, I just shove the husband and wife role onto him, quick and decisive, got it?” Porchay continued to shout-talk to me even as he was busy in the bathroom.
“Listen! You bastard...that's what they call karma, right?”
“Absolutely.”
Porchay came back to sit by my bed like usual, before I pushed myself up from the bed, shook my head to clear the drunkenness, and tried to sit up straight.
“...I really want to be half as good as you.”
“You're the one who's really good, we'll get through this together.” Porchay helped me, still feeling dizzy, to sit up as I wished.
“...Want to drink together?” I turned to invite Porchay, who immediately furrowed his brows.
“...” He thought for a moment before nodding in agreement, “I'll drink with you.” That sentence brought a broad smile to my face, the loneliness vanished in an instant. I staggered over to grab the bottle of whiskey I had stolen from Aunt's room, which was top-notch, and poured it into two glasses, handing one to Porchay to taste the bitterness of the year, but also to release the heavy heart like never before.
“Cheers!!!”
Porchay and I turned on the music and chugged the whiskey as if it cost ten bucks a bottle, even though it was nearly priceless, and of course, I had stolen enough to keep us merry and drinking through this moment joyfully.
“Are you very tired? I know you're capable and still holding up, but on the day you cry, don't cry alone. Don't tell me ~.” As Porchay started to get drunk, the spirit of an artist possessed him instantly. Thankfully, Phii Pete had left a guitar in my room because he was afraid Venice would break it. Porchay seized the chance to solo with his melodious voice for me to hear, “I want you to know that I'll stand and stay. I won't go anywhere. I don't know how to help you. Just in case, in case you need it. Just hold my hand, and let's get through anything together, don't be sad alone.”
“Clink!!!”
After listening to Porchay's soothing music, along with the heavy indulgence in alcohol, cigarettes, to the point where we couldn't see the wounds, the pain, or even the emptiness I initially feared, it was all swallowed up by the fun. Porchay was so drunk he was leaking, making me laugh uncontrollably. Suddenly, the entertainment stopped, replaced by the smell of vomit filling the room. I felt my body float up from the hard floor and was placed onto something soft like clouds, with moisture repeatedly wiping my face.
…
“Have you received a message from the Master yet?”
“...”
“Are you hesitating?”
“No. If this is the only way to help Vegas, I'm ready to do anything, but... Khun Kim. I don't understand why?... Isn't that the Main family referring to father and brothers?”
“Everyone has their own reasons.”
“I don't know what Khun Kim and Phii Top are thinking.”
“Top might be the only one with enough reason to stay with the Master.”
“So Khun Kim knows about Phii Top?”
“Let's just say I might have reasons I can't speak of yet, but I'm ready to do anything to make it up to Porchay too.”
“As for me, I might be ungrateful, ready to be selfish and do anything for the one I love.”
“That's called sacrifice. It's not a fault, Pete... Chay, let's go back.”
“Kim... Ugh... Are you here?”
“Let's go home.”
“Are you tired?”
“I'll carry you, hold on tight.”
“I love you.”
“Some things need more heart than brain, because the smarter you are, the more danger there is... Also, I think you should warn Macau about Phii Top. You know what he's like.”
“...Drive carefully.”
“Hmm.”
After everything returned to silence, the lights in my room were completely turned off. I woke up from the darkness with many questions from the conversation between Phii Kim and Phii Pete earlier. Even though I was almost unconscious from being drunk, and felt like I was dead, the effects of the antidepressants kept me awake after being well taken care of by my brother's lover, whom I love, and I pretended to be deeply asleep as if nothing had happened, even though...
What is the Master? And how is it related to my family?
Why does everyone have to sacrifice, and have their own reasons? The entire conversation was about people I love and am connected to, especially Phii Top.
What kind of crazy thing is this!