[T/N] I apologize for grammar mistakes and incoherencies
Chapter 6: Photo
Phew... I almost died there!
“...”
“What's wrong with you?”
After I had calmed my emotions for a while, Hia asked with a worried look, while I sat biting my nails, pondering throughout the journey. I even closed my eyes, sighed deeply, and exhaled with exhaustion repeatedly, wondering if I should tell this to my brother.
“Hia.”
“Hmm?”
“Our family...” I looked up at Hia's stoic profile focused on the road ahead, then he glanced at me, raising his eyebrow in curiosity, “isn't good... the Main family, I mean.”
“Why?”
“What businesses does the Teerapanya family do?” I asked Hia, my voice trembling, even though I already knew our family had both legitimate and illegitimate businesses: transportation, real estate, loan sharking, arms dealing, and countless other vices. But there was still something beyond my expectations, something so frightening that I could barely contain my emotions.
It involves human lives... The black market businesses in my naive understanding were just casinos, alcohol, drugs, weapons, but I never imagined it would extend to something as dark as human trafficking, the vilest thing I've ever encountered.
“...” Hia was silent for a moment before responding with a cold demeanor, “You've been around it since you were a kid, why ask now?” I averted my gaze outside the car, where the sky, which should have been painted with the evening's blue, was instead a terrifying red. Thunder roared, echoed, and lightning flashed occasionally, startling us. Then, large raindrops began to fall from the night sky, instantly blurring the surroundings.
“Hia, is it true what they say, that the Main family was once a Second family?”
I didn't pay much attention to the weather or my surroundings, much like I never questioned why I was born into the status of a Second family, until now. No, actually, now we're no longer the Second family.
“Um.”
“Did Grandpa do the same thing as Uncle, like what Uncle did to us?”
Various stories of my lineage suddenly flooded my mind incessantly. The scenes I saw today at the hospital made me think about the origins of my ancestors, seen by outsiders as great and powerful, but inside... they were rotten, unethical, and deeply immoral.
“No... because we were never the Main family.”
“I'm curious, did Grandpa have an older brother? And the older brother was from the Main family, then Grandpa was from the Second family, and then Grandpa went and took over. But aren't we related to Grandpa?”
I kept questioning without stopping. Hia slightly shook his head, then drove through the heavy rain that obscured the view until we could hardly see anything.
“Macau, I don't know how the Teerapanya got to be the Main family. When Grandpa died, I was very young, and you weren't even born yet.”
“So... Hia, the reason our dad had to be the Second family is just because he's the second child?”
I continued to sort through the sequences in my head, thinking in circles like those who obsess over repetitive thoughts. From someone who didn't care about how my lineage started, but today, it's like someone snapped their fingers to wake me up, making my vision start to clear, but not entirely. Greed, and the grand, luxurious power still clouded my vision, keeping it that way, leading to my current state of confusion.
Hmmmm...
Actually, everything is like our way back home right now, full of obstacles with the windshield wipers swinging left and right diligently, but it's not like it's clear and easy, just momentarily enough to fumble our way to the destination.
“By principle, yeah.”
“Then why aren't Big Brother and Second Brother treated the same?”
“Well, Big Brother is stupid. And Second Brother is a bit less stupid, I guess. What are you wondering about now?”
Hia turned to give me a puzzled look for the umpteenth time, but I wasn't about to stop my train of thought. Even though I'm still young, I'm in university now. There are many things I've neglected for too long, and now it's time for me to start understanding some things.
“By principle, Big Brother should become the Main family, and Second Brother should be the Second family, and then what about Phii Kim? And us who were Second family from the start would have to be kicked out like it is now, then where does Phii Porsche come in... this means the plan to eliminate us has been around for a while.”
“Macau, don't let Pete hear about this, okay?”
Hia steered the car into the house's parking area, turned off the engine, and sighed heavily while looking at me with quite a weary expression.
“Aren't you curious at all, Hia?”
I was still curious about everything and spoke with a serious face, until Hia reached back, grabbed my bag from the back seat, and threw it onto my lap.
“I am curious! But I've got a headache, go on, get out now. Your mom's been waiting with his neck stretched out over there.”
Hia didn't wait, quickly got out of the car and ran through the rain towards his boyfriend who was coming with an umbrella, full of worry.
“Was the traffic really bad?”
“A little bit.”
I was still puzzled by the events, moving slowly and completely forgetting that my body was getting soaked by the rain that kept pouring down relentlessly, until Phii Pete had to run over with an umbrella for me.
“Hello, Phii Pete.” As I started to regain my senses from my thoughts, I turned to smile at Phii Pete, who hurriedly started wiping the water off my face.
“Macau, hurry inside the house... Oh! You're completely soaked.” Phii Pete quickly hooked my arm, both pulling and dragging me into the house, then pushed me towards the second floor with a loud voice as if something major had happened, “You'll catch a cold. Go, go change your clothes and come down for dinner!”
“Yes, Phii Pete.”
I hurried to follow the orders of the one who holds all the power in this house. Even Hia, who is usually easygoing, quickly went to the room to change his clothes at his wife's decree. Sigh... Phii Pete, this is how it always is. I don't know if he has some special power or what, from my stressed state with a myriad of thoughts and not-so-great mood, but as soon as I encounter some kind of energy from his face, tone, and smile, everything just vanishes completely. I walked into the room, chuckling slightly, which adds warmth from a stranger, someone I never thought to get to know before. Damn! Now he has such an influence over my life, crazy how just being near him feels good.
Wing!
I closed the bedroom door and struggled to pull off my soaked socks, fumbling for the light switch in the dark room to turn it on, and then...
“Hey.”
I stood shocked, staring towards the wide-open balcony with a stiff posture, not daring to move, because I couldn't believe that the person standing there, soaked, was the one I felt most apprehensive about right now.
“Phii Top... how did you get here?” I said, clutching the bag in my hand tightly, and as he adjusted his glasses on his nose. I inhaled deeply, preparing to turn around, open the door, and run out of here as fast as I could but...
“Macau!!!”
Phii Top leaped forward and grabbed me firmly, one hand trying to cover my mouth and the other locking the bedroom door securely.
“Hia... mmmph...”
I felt the danger, my heart pounding out of rhythm. I panicked, resisting heavily against the person trying to hold me from behind. Even though I knew well it was Phii Top, who was considered one of my safe spaces, but because of the many events and the haunting images I've memorized, looping in my mind endlessly, the secret codes, the mind-dulling room, and the surgeries... Phii Top was involved in all those events, making me confused and scared out of my wits now.
“Ugh!!!” I resisted with all my might despite being shorter, my muscles looking lean, but with panic fueling me, I managed to tug at Phii Top until he lost his balance, falling onto the end of the bed with me pinned down on his lap.
“Shh!!! Macau... stop!” Phii Top tried to speak as quietly as possible, his free hand that wasn't covering my mouth wrapped tightly around my waist. “Stop! Listen to me first!! Macau!” Phii Top snapped. This startled me, making me pause again. I twisted and slowly turned to look at Phii Top, seeing an unprecedented worried expression on his face. “Why are you afraid of me... usually, you aren't like this.” he said, breathing heavily and slowly releasing his hand over my mouth. “I would never hurt you, Macau... you know that.” Phii Top sighed deeply before he managed to pull the bag from my hand.
“Phii Top!!!” Before I could protest further, Phii Top emptied the contents of the bag swiftly, grabbing the hard drive I had stolen from the hospital. We locked eyes for a moment. Phii Top looked at the hard drive with confusion before...
“...It's... mine!!!”
Thud! Thud! Crash! Crash!
Phii Top slammed it against the floor repeatedly until it was shattered. I widened my eyes, swallowing nervously.
“Phii Top.”
Then, Phii Top reached out to pick up a small chip surrounded by scattered aluminum fragments, doing something that shocked me even more than usual...
Snap! Phii Top easily broke it with his thumb and index finger. I, completely bewildered, could only watch everything unfold rapidly, feeling a mix of emotions, unable to speak or even make a sound, until the arms of the man I was sitting on wrapped around me in a hug that conveyed both relief and fear simultaneously.
“Don't do this again, Macau, I was almost scared to death.”
“Phii! Why?” I slightly pushed Phii Top away before turning to face him directly. I must admit, I've never seen him like this before; fear, worry, nervousness, it all communicated through his face and eyes completely.
“Don't get involved with these matters, please.”
His demeanor now, I'm totally not used to. In my eyes, Phii Top was always someone who had everything under control, both emotions and personality. It was something so perfect, not easily shaken, yet today. I saw almost every unexpected emotion from him to the point I could hardly believe it.
“What?”
“Did you think you could fake being a corpse that well?”
Phii Top pulled me into another hug, tighter than the first, and I had to raise both my hands to lightly touch his back while my head leaned against his left shoulder... What is this?
“And…”
“Please... don't mess with those people.”
I, still not understanding anything, jolted strongly when there was a loud knock at the door.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
“Macau. Macau... Are you okay?”
“Cau... What's that noise? Macau!!”
I quickly pushed myself up from his lap, while Phii Top also looked flustered, and asked me with a pale face that surprised me, making me as flustered as him.
“What now?”
“Uh... bathroom, bathroom, bathroom.” I quickly pointed to the bathroom. He hurriedly gathered the pieces of hard disks, stuffed them into my bag, and ran to the bathroom like a child looking for a hiding spot. Oh my! Is this really the Phii Top I knew? Why does he seem so adorable and cute now?
“...” I scratched my head in surprise, smiling at the wonder that just happened, before walking to open the door for Hia and Phii Pete, who were making a ruckus outside.
“Macau, what was that noise?” As soon as he saw my face, Hia immediately fired the question at me.
“Oh... something fell, Hia.” I quickly answered dismissively. The image of the flustered Phii Top from moments ago still stuck in my mind, not fading away. Everything happened so fast, but what amused me the most was his flustered behavior just now; it was really funny.
“Are you okay?” I quickly shook my head as a gesture of 'no problem', while my thoughts were recalling how goofy Phii Top looked as he scrambled to hide things from Hia and the others in the room. I looked up, glanced at both of them, and had to pause again when Phii Pete started scanning the room. He didn't miss the remaining pieces of the hard disk that Phii Top had dropped and broken. Plus, there were long wet streaks across the floor, making the whole room wet. Normally, if something happened, it would be Phii Pete who would bombard me with questions, but now he was eerily silent, looking around uncomfortably, which made me give a forced smile and scratch my head, feeling quite awkward.
“...”
“Macau... it's raining that hard, you should close the balcony door too.” Phii Pete said in a flat tone, his eyes glancing towards the end of the bed, which was all crumpled, forcing me to move to block Phii Pete's scrutinizing gaze that didn't let up.
“Oh, okay.”
“And you... once you've changed, come down to eat with us.” Hia wrapped his arm around Phii Pete's neck, pulling him close, causing Phii Pete to give a faint smile before looking at me with concern once more.
And when I saw that look, I quickly cut the conversation short to end it, because it seemed like Phii Pete had really noticed something off.
“Go eat first. I already ate with Chay. Good night.”
As soon as the door closed, I let out a big sigh and hurried to check on Phii Top, who was hiding in the bathroom.
“Phii Top.”
“Phew... I bet Pete was curious.” Phii Top said, half-sitting, half-standing by the edge of the bathtub. He slowly took off his glasses and gently wiped the lenses with the hem of his shirt.
“Uh...”
“Heh... It's not surprising, since he's a bodyguard, after all.” Phii Top turned to give me a slight smile, with a familiar expression, quite different from the explosive emotions just moments before. Phii Top... without his glasses, why does he look so cool? The feeling, like when we first met, rushed back into my memory, reinforcing some feelings that made me feel all fluttery.
Phii Top... my first love, and the only one who has ever made me understand that word so deeply, now and forever.
“So, Phii...” I said, feeling a bit awkward as I reminisced about long-lost feelings, quickly grabbed a towel, opened my wardrobe to find the largest size shirt and pants, and handed them to Phii Top to cover up, trying to mask the feelings I shouldn't be showing at that moment, “Change your clothes first, Phii Top. You're soaked; you'll catch pneumonia.”
He looked at the clothes and slowly unfolded them while muttering to me in his usual tone, almost like the old Phii Top, whom I felt like I've known forever.
“Huh, so I'm that guy now.”
“Exactly. You take care of others, so learn to take care of yourself too.”
I quickly turned on the hot water in the bathtub and ushered him to follow my instructions.
“Macau first, then you.”
I hastily interjected.
“Are you going to leave? With this heavy rain. And also...”
“You didn't answer the curious one's question, did you? Sigh...” Phii Top sighed deeply, making me smile at his insightfulness, always guessing my feelings correctly.
“Me? I'm not that wet. You go change first.” I leaned forward, scanning Phii Top from head to toe, standing with my arms crossed in a teasing manner, insisting he take care of himself without giving him a chance to reply. “I'll change outside. You, take a bath too.” After saying that, I quickly walked out of the bathroom and shut the door. I don't know why I acted so willfully like usual in front of Phii Top with such excitement, even though my feelings right now should be empty, void... Yes! I've abandoned love, greed, anger, delusion for quite some time, and stepped back from what I saw as a nonsensical and childish relationship not worth my attention. I prioritize the words “family and friends” more than to think about those matters since the person I (supposedly) loved has left this world.
But damn it! Why, can we really fall in love with the same Kim type over and over? And should this romantic relationship be valued more than the family and friends I'm trying to cherish now?
“I will take a bath first, but Macau, you have to dry my hair, okay?”
Phii Top's voice shouted from the bathroom, stirring confusion within me once again. Where does that kind of love even exist? It's just a fleeting feeling, not lasting. I tried to tell myself that, repeatedly reminding myself to stay rational. Damn it, Phii Top! I don't want to feel anything anymore. Please, don't make the old memories resurface in my mind.
“...”
I wiped my face and body as dry as possible and changed into my familiar black plaid pajamas before sneaking downstairs to make something warm to combat the cold for the man who, good with words, often uses his doctor status as an excuse and forgets to check his own condition, shivering almost uncontrollably. He looks more like a patient than a healer, and I'm afraid he might die from stubbornness before anything else. So, I prepared some warm milk to serve to the skilled physician who was still bathing and dressing in my room. When I opened the door to my room, I found...
“When did you sneak this photo of me tutoring you, Macau?”
I quickly dashed to my desk, placed the glass down, and snatched a few photos from Phii Top's hand with a furrowed brow.
“Did you go through my stuff?”
I successfully pulled the photos from Phii Top's grasp and hastily covered them with a pile of books. I don't know why I suddenly felt embarrassed, even though before, I was very open about it. I loved taking pictures of him while he was tutoring, both when he was aware and when he wasn't. There was even a time I set his photo as my phone's home screen.
And he knew it, and I wasn't embarrassed then, but today, why does everything feel different... Actually, things changed a long time ago, but some memories just got triggered, overlapping with the past, bringing back feelings unexpectedly.
Please note that some nuances might be lost in translation, and the names or nicknames like “Macau” and “Phii Top” are kept as they are in the original text.
“What's this on the table? I didn't even look for it.” Phii Top said, shaking his head lightly and then picking up the milk I had placed there, drinking it nonchalantly... I hadn't even told him it was his. Even though it really was his, huh.
I made a face of slight displeasure, the feeling inside me growing increasingly hard to explain day by day. I used to be open, did things without thinking. No fear. Didn't care about anyone or anything, until... how many things have changed. Even my feelings when looking at the photos I had printed out felt utterly foolish, and I completely forgot how much I once obsessed over someone. To the point of having piles of their pictures, crazy really! Back then, I did so many crazy, nonsensical, time-wasting things, damn it.
“And I told you to dry my hair.”
And while I was lost in my repetitive thoughts, my unstable emotions made me almost unable to control anything. I didn't know what expression I was making. I didn't feel that the person who was now mischievously smiling and laughing in his throat was already vigorously rubbing a towel on my head.
And with the strange symptoms likely from the side effects of medication, or even the disease I have, I automatically moved my body away, like I said, I've become someone who's more cautious in both actions and words, as if the wall in my feelings has grown so high that I can't even tell when it started changing me.
“This milk is tasty. You didn't steal it from Venice, did you?” Phii Top asked with a chuckle after finishing the milk.
“Huh... What kind of person do you see me as?” I said, slowly continuing to dry my hair with the towel Phii Top had placed on my head.
“Well... the first day's image still sticks with me.” Phii Top said, turning to me with a smile that made me raise an eyebrow questioningly, “A mischievous kid trying to jimmy open a vending machine, under the hospital building.”
Yes... On the first day we met, I was still the-notorious-Macau, fearless of anything. That day, I went to wait for Hia under the hospital building I thought was mine. But waiting for Hia was so boring for someone like me, who always seeks mischief, excitement in life, like someone who loves to stir up trouble to keep things exciting and fun. At that moment, I wanted to get a soda to refresh myself. Even though I had nearly five thousand in my pocket, I chose to tamper with the new vending machine, seeking excitement and craving the thrill of a silly success. I took my small pocket knife and inserted it into the coin release slot, about to mess with the system to get what I wanted. But while I was bending over, making an easy task difficult, a coin was dropped into the machine, and a can of soda fell down. I had to look up to see who dared to interfere with the youngest son and grandson of the hospital owner, and I immediately showed my irritation.
“Hey!!!”
“Is this what you wanted to drink?”
It was Phii Top who handed me the soda with a kind smile before walking off into the emergency department. I remember well how my heart beat so fast when I looked up and saw him, the overwhelming feeling I had never experienced before. I was stunned by his handsome face, his calm demeanor, and his impeccable personality. It stuck with me so much that I took it into my dreams, and for the first time, I had a goal in life: “I want to be a doctor.” How funny! At that time, my emotions were above everything else. Even with good grades and a quick mind, no career had ever entered my thoughts before. That was the first time my dream became clear, along with a strong inspiration. Ha! I remember everything as if it just happened yesterday.
“Feelings, water dispenser. Phii Top, and the hospital... but, oh right! The hospital, wait a moment before my thoughts drift too far away. I suddenly realized something.
“Phii Top... about the CCTV cameras.”
Before I could finish speaking, Phii Top interrupted immediately.
“Actually, Macau, you don't have to go through the trouble of destroying the CCTV cameras... because in the end, I'll have to be the one to deal with it anyway.”
“What do you mean?”
“Macau, knowing too much can be dangerous for you.” Phii Top pushed my chair away from the table and sat down with an exhaustion I had never seen before.
“And you're not angry that I... overheard...”
I looked down at Phii Top with many questions in my mind.
“The organ trade business of the Main family.” I averted my gaze to the balcony, now completely closed, but I could still sense the heavy storm raging outside.
“Why...” I spoke with a drifting voice, my thoughts not escalating into stress, turning into emptiness, when what I saw confirmed everything was real.
“Despicable? Inhumane? Is that what you wanted to say, Macau?”
“Did Second Brother order this?” I closed my eyes and sighed quietly. Now everything was swirling in my head.
“Kinn doesn't have that kind of power.” Phii Top's answer made me glance back at his serious face.
“You're saying...”
“Macau, the most pitiful people are the descendants of Teerapanya. We don't have many choices.”
“You are too, right?”
Phii Top picked up the bag of medicine on the table, opened it, and examined each pill with great care. He then opened a container, tapped out each pill one by one, poured water into a glass, and handed it to me.
“You've been through a lot today. Take your medicine and go to sleep.” I took the medicine and water from Phii Top's hand, put them in my mouth easily, and as I tilted my head back to swallow everything, Phii Top opened the book that I had used to cover those pictures, quickly pulled out one photo with swift motion. “By the way, I'll take this picture.”
Phii Top said mischievously, making me start to adjust my mood. But before I could fully react, I protested and lunged towards Phii Top immediately.
“Hey! No way, Phii, that's my favorite picture.” I stretched on my tiptoes as much as I could, trying to reach for the photo in Phii Top's hand, who was now standing and holding it high, playfully dodging my attempts.
“But this is a picture of me.” Phii Top said, twisting to avoid my stubbornness.
“Give it back, Phii Top.” I didn't stop trying, reaching into the air where Phii Top used his height as leverage, making me struggle like a loser, not realizing how close we had become. My head bumped against his chest several times, until laughter started to break out periodically, and I began to feel annoyed, and at that moment...
“The bracelet. Phii Top, are you still wearing it?” My eyes, focused on his hand, caught sight of the string bracelet I had made myself, with English letters, and the letter 'M'. I had given it to him on the anniversary of one month of him tutoring me. “Why are you still wearing it?” I paused all my actions and asked him with a slightly nervous tone.
“Do you still like me?” Phii Top used his free hand to wrap around my waist and pulled me closer to him, so I found myself in his embrace once again, unable to take my eyes off him for even a second.
“Phii Top...”
The warmth emanating from the breath, and the kind eyes without the clear lenses of glasses, conveyed a clearer message than ever, making the stories that have long passed come back and remain in my heart always.
Why does the past rush back to me so intensely now, even though I'm no longer the usual Macau? I don't want to feel anything anymore... but why can't I forget the feelings I have for the person in front of me now? No, there must not be that foolish Macau again. No more.
“Macau has changed a lot, but I've never forgotten what happened between us.”
Chapter 7: Airdrop
“Phii Top... I….”
Phii Top's words made me lose my composure for a moment. “What happened between us?” Really? Was there anything worth remembering? I bit my lip tightly, along with the turmoil that surged through every feeling. Stupid! What's worth remembering, huh! Actually, everything was the best time of my life, and it's always clear in my heart.
“Macau...” Phii Top placed the photograph we were fighting over on the table, then wrapped his arms around my waist more tightly than usual ever, making me feel a flush and bow my head, not daring to meet his eyes. My heart started beating irregularly when Phii Top lowered his head until his nose touched my hair, and with his lips, I could feel their soft, gentle touch, making me absorb that feeling and slowly look up at him with a wavering that I couldn't control. “I want to see you smile.” He lifted my chin slowly as if preparing to give me a special feeling, but suddenly confusion rushed into my head, forcing me to pull back to my senses, quickly stepping away from him... What am I doing? No, Macau. Don't want to feel good about anyone again, absolutely not! The other side of my rapidly beating heart screamed at me to do so, making me take a step back, away from the arms of the person in front of me.
“I apologize for what happened today. I'll pretend I didn't see or know anything, and you... uh.” At the moment when I couldn't meet his gaze and was caught off guard, I was attacked without any escape or feeling, unable to process anything. My back was pushed against the balcony before my lips were gently covered, my face lifted by both hands, before his tongue entered my mouth, savoring a taste too compelling to resist. Even I found myself merging with this feeling, our breaths pouring over each other's faces. I closed my eyes, my hands unknowingly wrapping around his waist, care transmitted through an intoxicating kiss. Although I was inexperienced with this act, I tried my best to respond to that touch. The more Phii Top tasted and pressed his body closer, the more the feeling fluttered, multiplying, my heart pounding erratically, unable to find its rhythm, my body temperature rising, a gentle tremor flowing through every part of my body. It was... absolutely wonderful.
The first kiss with my first love, how could I forget everything? I've tried. I really tried to erase him from my heart and think of him as just a kind older brother, but today's actions show that all efforts have failed, because my heart isn't strong enough. From the first day until now, I've never been able to escape my own heart.
I still have feelings. I still want to care about him. I still want to win in every aspect, but I've always tried to hide it.
I am a liar. Even with my own feelings, I'm too cowardly to face them. Even now. I still feel... scared.
“Can you go back to being the usual Macau?”
Phii Top slowly pulled his lips away but still held my face. I opened my eyes to meet him, as if under a spell. I didn't want to admit that my feelings for Phii Top still overflowed in my heart.
“...”
“Your smile, your laughter, your cheerfulness... you are Macau, my usual Macau.”
Phii Top's words made me even more fearful than usual. I tried to compose myself, no matter how magical that kiss was, but at a time like this, I didn't want to feel for anyone again.
“Phii Top... please, just go back.”
I bowed my head, pressing myself against the balcony glass as much as I could, telling him in a shaky voice that barely formed sentences, but then...
“Spread the forces around, place ten men at each window on the balcony.” Phii Pete's voice called out. Phii Top reached out to peek through the curtains, and I had to glance along with him, seeing Phii Pete, who was holding an umbrella, and bodyguards in raincoats standing around the house.
“…”
“Pete really is thorough.” Phii Top remarked, turning to give me a faint smile with a meaningful look, as if saying there was no escape tonight.
·
In the dimly lit room with the lights off. Phii Top and I lay down on the bed, our heads close together, our eyes fixed on the ceiling where a purple star lamp projected slowly moving lights in a circle, making my feelings drift into a distant dream.
“Do you still remember how to find the values of Sin, Cos, Tan?” Phii Top asked with a humorous tone.
“Heh.” I quickly shook my head.
“Didn't you pay attention in class?”
“The Faculty of Arts doesn't study this...
“Macau, you used to be good at finding values, right? Like when you were taking extra classes, you told me you could only do Sin and Cos, Cos if it's not with a lover, they can't do Tan together, right?”
I immediately burst into a smile, and then I remembered that moment very well. I tried to come up with silly jokes to flirt with Phii Top every day, and I never thought he would remember, because back then, he seemed quite serious and often gave me this stern, exasperated look. Actually... he was just pretending, huh?
“Really? Did I say something like that?”
I said, refusing to accept the truth, how embarrassing!!!
“There's more, in chemistry we learned about ionic elements, in physics about fluids, in biology about plant structure and leaves, but my heart learned to love you, haha.” Phii Top went on at length, all were the jokes I used to play on him, making me feel awkward, and I tried to cover his mouth, but he caught my hand first.
“Oh, enough, Phii Top!”
“You can smile now.” Phii Top gently kissed my hand before placing it on his left chest, “When I got to tutor you, it felt like I was really resting. I like it when you smile, I like when you laugh, I like when you look at me with those happy eyes. It feels like... I exist, and I'm somewhat valuable.” I turned to look at Phii Top's profile as he stared at the ceiling in surprise.
“You're one of the top doctors at the hospital, lots of girls scream for you, why do you think like that?”
“I can tell you, Macau... you know, right?”
“Um, you don't like people meddling in your personal affairs. You don't like being asked either.”
I've been with Phii Top long enough; he's quite private and doesn't really socialize much, which is why I haven't intruded much into his life. All this time, I've only known what he wanted me to know, without ever complaining or asking for more.
“Macau, you never asked. Never wanted to know. Never crossed the line, so I felt that you were special to me.” And it was really like that. I'm not saying I'm a good person, but because I have him, a man like Hia Vegas, I understand how much someone might need personal space and want to be alone. Sometimes we just want to quietly reflect on ourselves, not because we have secrets, but because we don't know how to express it. This trait isn't just in Hia; I'm the same, maybe because we're cousins, all our feelings and thoughts had to be locked away. I'm used to suppressing my feelings, letting them sink deep into the depths of my heart, like how we both suppress anger until it becomes a habit. “I didn't want to do it, some things are just favors I owe.” Phii Top turned to look at me. We locked eyes again.
“With Uncle?” I guessed, and Phii Top nodded in agreement.
“I was a scholarship kid in Teerapanya's project. Khun Korn supported my education from childhood till I grew up. I have no father. No mother. I don't even know who I am. When I realized, Khun Korn came, took care of me, sent me to study in England, and gave me a good life. When I returned, I had to do everything he ordered.” I could sense the bitterness from his troubled expression.
“And why did Uncle act like that?”
“I just followed orders, obeyed the rules, no questions, no knowing, just delivered the orders on time, that's all.”
“But this evening... that man wasn't dead.” I spoke with fear again, the image of that person still breathing stuck in my mind, making me feel nauseous from the pressure.
“I think differently. Mostly, the Main family is already killing people. Right? Competitors or partners can be quietly taken out. Macau, you grew up in a Teerapanya family. Macau, you know well that stabbing, and killing are very normal things.” I turned my face back to look at the ceiling again, thinking about Phii Top's words which made me start to calm down, because everything was, in fact, true, “Most of those who are given death are better off than those who are taken out, and some even volunteer, so their wives and children can survive.” I began to see clarity but was also quite shocked; people willing to die? For their family... huh, there really are people like that. Even me. I'm ready to do anything for those I love too. That's why I don't want to feel for anyone, because. I'm afraid that one day if I have to exchange something, I might not hesitate at all.
“The Main family has a good image, appearing kind, but in reality, they are more ruthless than anyone.” I said hopelessly while looking at the stars on the ceiling again, focusing on Saturn, which is a gas giant with rings around it, looking beautiful and prominent, more eye-catching than other stars, known as the king of the solar system but represents fate in mysticism, and everything follows the cycle, right?
“Why is that?” Phii Top asked me.
“There's probably no good person who could kill their own true sibling, right?”
And when talking about Dad, heartache rushed through the feeling of lightness and comfort instantly, making me feel turbulent and choked up again.
“Yes. If that's the case, Khun Korn might have some goodness.”
“Hmm?”
Phii Top spoke so softly that I didn't quite catch it, so I had to ask again with a throaty sound.
“Everything is with us only temporarily, Macau, both sorrow and even happiness. Nothing will stay with us forever.”
“So, the word 'forever' probably doesn't exist, right?”
And with this openness, I have come to realize and understand things more clearly. Phii Top himself is in a difficult situation; the business of selling organs is just part of it. Once I regained my composure and looked back at the overall picture of the family clearly, this isn't the first time I've seen someone die... believe it or not, I feel much relieved now. No matter how much my conscience protests, this is the way things are, even if we don't accept it, we must let it be. Silence enveloped us for quite some time. We both watched the stars from the floating lamps around the room, each lost in our own reverie, until Phii Top spoke up...
“Are you doing well?”
“Huh?”
I was surprised by Phii Top's question, furrowing my brows, then glanced slightly at his face before focusing back on my room's ceiling like usual.
“I am not asking as a doctor... but as for me, I just want to know if you are happy.” Phii Top still held my hand without letting go, and now he clasped both our hands together.
“What is happiness?”
I didn't ask this to Phii Top, but to myself. If happiness is satisfaction with life, not worrying about anything, feeling pleased, having fun, maintaining stable emotions, thinking only of good things, being optimistic, then none of those things have ever truly reached my heart...
“Whatever you're carrying, you can put it down, Macau... at least when you're with me.” Phii Top turned to face me, placing both hands around my head with his face close to mine. He gently stroked my cheek with his finger, his eyes clearly conveying concern, making the torment from my anguish begin to surface little by little.
...I hate “Dad” I hate the main family, and at the same time, I hate the Second family, hate that it's not my choice... even though before this, I also hated that it was a suffix to my name.”
“Hmm.”
“I hate dad, he was never a good father. Never an example, never praised. Never loved, but now I miss him... I hate Venice.” I bit my lip to lessen the shaking, before feeling the wetness from the corner of my eye trailing down my temple slowly. “Hate that he took love away from me, hate his mother, hate that Phii Pete and Hia always pamper him, but I also feel sorry for him.” I closed my eyes, sighed quietly, letting the warm tears flow all over my face until I couldn't stop them.
“That means you are a reasonable person. Macau, you might not really hate, but it's a shield you're using to protect yourself.
“I have conditions with everything I hate, but what I can't find a reason for is... I hate myself. I hate everything I am. I hate that I was born. I hate my stupidity, I hate my emotions. I hate my feelings. I hate...”
“Macau, you are worth much more than to use the word hate on yourself that much.”
Phii Top quickly interjected, before leaning down to kiss away the tears on my face as if to lighten the sorrow, and I felt this method was quite effective when suddenly I felt, it was so special that I felt valued again. Phii Top back then. Not like now at all, before he was cold, composed. Didn't show feelings, but on this night everything changed, but what remained the same, was my feelings for him. Even when he kissed further down to my neck, it made me feel even hotter than it usually ever could.
Phii Top now only shows concern, mourning, until I can no longer resist my own feelings...
“Don't suffer because of anyone anymore, Macau.”
Chapter 8: Sync
I let this night unfold as it pleased. I gave everything to the person in front of me. Whether it was my first love, my first kiss, and my first deep connection in life.
The tall figure of Phii Top, wearing my blue hoodie, slowly straddled me. I closed my eyes to receive another kiss from Phii Top, embracing him tightly. We became even closer. I let everything happen as he desired, including myself, without considering why we had come this far. The feelings I had tried to escape, today they approached me to the point where I couldn't deny them. The desire I thought I didn't have suddenly surged uncontrollably. I had convinced myself for a long time that all I wanted was family, but today, everything felt fulfilled, as if the best moments were returning.
Phii Top's kiss was hesitant but firm with emotion, just like our embrace, allowing our bodies to follow our hearts. It was a desire that had been suppressed until it was released, and we couldn't stop it anymore.
I knew Big Brother Teekhun was deeply infatuated with Phii Top, but it seemed all in vain because, from what I knew, Phii Top had no commitments or decisions made. I wasn't heartless enough to steal the love of someone related to me, but if I thought about it, Phii Top has always been my dream, hope, and inspiration. I knew Big Brother was interested in Phii Top because of me. We've been competing since we were kids, and now I'm the winner... but that doesn't mean I want to destroy the only feeling our family has, but rather because Teekhun has never known what love is.
I won't apologize, and I won't feel guilty because the story unfolding now between Phii Top and Macau has been going on for a long time, and no one can stop it.
Everything felt like a dream, as if it was what I had been waiting for forever. I couldn't confine myself anymore. I stopped thinking about reasons, what was right, or my identity, and let everything happen as it should without holding back.
I inhaled deeply with the tumultuous feelings spreading throughout my body. The more his warm tongue explored my taste, the more my body temperature rose exponentially. I sweated with excitement; my heart raced as if on a roller coaster climbing higher. The more he absorbed the warmth from my lips, the lighter my heart felt. The torment was alleviated by the sweet sensation. I tilted my neck to welcome the special feeling rushing towards me unexpectedly.
Phii Top pulled his lips away and quickly took off his shirt before slowly nuzzling his face into the crook of my neck, inhaling deeply, sending shivers down my spine. Not long after, my t-shirt was pulled up and bunched around my chest, his face moving down to suck on my hardened nipples, forcing me to grip the bed sheet tightly.
“Ah... Phii Top.”
The dampness spread across my chest. Phii Top continued to lick around both nipples with his tongue. His hands slid down to my hips, caressing them fully. The torment in my mind transformed into overwhelming pleasure, my heart swelling unbelievably. The darkness without a path now saw light at the end of its journey. I let the feelings guide me, drifting in desire like nicotine I regularly inhaled into my lungs. The pain melted away momentarily, and I felt so good that tears of joy started to well up, indescribably fulfilled.
I had never experienced such a sensation before and couldn't believe how miraculous it was. Phii Top's face moved lower and lower until I had to tilt my head back, biting my lip. My pants were off at some point, I didn't know when, but I felt the tight, tense feeling in the center of my body, despite the gentle touch of his rough hands. Yet, all the strange sensations overwhelmed me continuously.
“Mmm...”
My body was pulled up and down, writhing in agony, but the feeling I was experiencing now wasn't more than what I faced daily. Though it looked torturous and my body was uncomfortable, the blend of pain and desire was hard to stop, making me start to... really like it because at least it proved that suffering isn't eternal.
Phii Top flipped me over onto my stomach on the bed, then showered my back with kisses, trailing up to my nape, moving to my ears, nibbling expertly. It felt so good that I was almost moaning continuously.
“Ugh... Ahhh.”
“Is this your first time?” Phii Top's husky voice asked me. He leaned his body close to mine from behind, and I could feel his firmness against my sensitive area.
“Uh-huh.” I nodded in response, as this was indeed my first time experiencing something entirely new and unknown. Even my hands didn't know where to place themselves, feeling both excited and fearful simultaneously.
“I won't hurt you, Macau, good boy.” Phii Top said, reaching for something. I wasn't sure how long it took, but everything seemed to happen so quickly. I lay flat on the bed, flinching slightly from the cold touch at my rear, feeling like I was in a trance. Phii Top's fingers moved slowly, circling, while his face nestled into my neck, making me alert to the steps he was taking as he gently inserted his finger into me.
“Phii Top... ugh... uh.” I bit my lip hard, the sharp pain shooting up my spine, causing my body to arch instinctively. But somehow, the pain quickly subsided. Phii Top slowly moved his finger in and out for quite some time with rhythm and experience, making everything feel easy and filling my mind with only good sensations.
“Don't tense up, Macau, relax, good boy.” Phii Top hugged me tightly, stroking my body all over to help me relax completely. I exhaled slowly, lying flat on the bed, and Phii Top gradually massaged my hips before slowly positioning himself between my legs and gently entering me from behind.
“Ugh...” The pain spread through every cell again. I closed my eyes tightly in alarm, gripping the pillow firmly, my body tensing automatically. I always thought the first time would be torturous, like dying, as Porchay had once told me, but as I said, the pain wasn't more than what I endure in my daily life.
I quickly adjusted to everything. Phii Top seemed very pleased; he pressed his body close to mine, moving in rhythm with a gentle touch, accompanied by the light and the sound of rain, making everything feel incredibly romantic.
The essence of happiness was released to the point where I wanted to freeze time. I was so engrossed with everything that I didn't notice Phii Top speeding up the pace and emphasizing it, making me feel like I was on an adrenaline rush, flowing into my veins, instantly making me forget all the pain.
“Uhh...ah...” Our voices harmonized like Phii Top's hands warmly enveloping me now.
I absorbed every bit of joy, not realizing it would make me feel this good, turning a life once dull and gloomy into something bright in an instant. Every touch from Phii Top moving within me, I liked him even more than before, as if stimulating my senses and, importantly, bringing back the best memories between me and Phii Top, swirling around and overwhelming me.
Yes, I liked him, from the first day it was already enough. Today, it made me trade all those feelings for him, clearly in my heart like usual.
I expressed everything through the love scene tonight. Phii Top never made me hurt, and I drifted into a dreamland, falling asleep in the embrace of the one who taught me the true meaning of “first love.”
I don't know how much time passed before I opened my eyes in the darkness, feelings of emptiness creeping in. I was a bit sad that happiness wasn't eternal, fleeting in a blink. I was left with exhaustion seeping through every pore, and it was even more heartbreaking than usual when the person who had been lying next to me was gone from the bed, making me fearful again.
“Phii Top.”
I got out of bed, uncomfortable with how Phii Top had managed everything so perfectly that I barely had to move, but the more happiness there was, the more suffering would increase too. At that moment, I was so entranced that I feared facing more pain. Seeing that the person who could dispel it was gone, reality hammered home, making me accept everything more.
I saw my bedroom door ajar, so I decided to walk there clumsily, pain searing below making it almost unbearable.
“Macau.”
And then, the faint figure of the one I was looking for was walking towards me, closer and closer. He was in a blue hoodie and my usual's warm-up pants, holding something in his hand with a casual air.
“Where have you been?”
“I went down to get some water for you.”
He pushed me back into the room, helping me to sit on the bed before pouring water from the pitcher into a glass and handing it to me.
“Aren't you afraid someone might see?”
I took the glass of water, sipping it while looking at him.
“It's so dark, no one will see. Drink up and go back to sleep.” I finished the glass of water, then lay back down on the bed, and he gently covered me with the blanket.
“When will you go back?”
“I'll wait a bit until you are asleep, then I'll climb back down. The bodyguards have started their shifts.” Phii Top kissed my lips once more before slowly pulling away, playing with my hair affectionately. “Let's sleep.” He then slid into the bed under the same blanket, his arm supporting my neck and holding me close.
I looked up at Phii Top through the faint moonlight that allowed me to see his face clearly. His long eyelashes rested on his cheeks, hiding his caring eyes behind closed lids, his straight nose breathing steadily above his naturally colored lips, indicating that he was deep in sleep. I looked at his handsome face with mixed feelings, but one feeling outran all others... fear.
What does Phii Top feel for me? I've never known that before. My mind began to slowly process what he might actually be offering me. I didn't even dare to reconsider how the recent events might unfold.
Because deep down, I feared that it might lead to nothing more than a fleeting desire between us.
I never thought we would reach this point because Phii Top's actions had always confused me greatly. I feared losing everything, even the relationship that should have ended with the word, “like senior-junior.”
Isn't it supposed to be like that? Why is happiness so fleeting? Did I use it up too much earlier, that now pain rushes in so intensely? The pain that seemed to vanish like magic, lingers around as usual without going away. I don't know how much I'll crave it from now on, because if I could choose, I'd want to stay in happiness forever.
I'm really scared.