[T/N] I apologize for grammar mistakes and incoherencies
Chapter 2: Polaroid
“Smile nicely, Chay, smile!” I took out my new Polaroid camera to snap a photo of my dear friend, Porchay, who cooperated wonderfully.
“How's it looking?”
“The light's too bright.”
“And why are there so few films left? Didn't you say you bought new ones?”
“Venice is really good, he keeps clicking away, I just turned away for a moment and almost got my camera sliding on the floor!”
“Well, your brother is being mischievous.” Porchay said, then sipped his chocolate shake. We're at a small café in a Siam alley; it's narrow but quiet and has some nice spots. After class, Chay would wait for me under the faculty building. So, I rushed him here immediately.
“Selfie?” I turned to ask Chay, and he nodded vigorously in response.
“But hold the camera, or else your face will fill the frame.” I slightly pouted at my friend, looking around for a good angle before turning the Polaroid to take a selfie of us both, with a playful pose.
“Another one? So we use up the film, with just one shot left.” Porchay pointed at the film count.
“The last one... hmm...” I made a thoughtful face before getting an idea, “I'll save the last shot of every film roll for Hia, Phii Pete, and Venice.” I smiled at my close friend, who nodded understandingly.
“Good idea.”
“Yeah... because while I'm taking photos, it's all about the stories in my life, but the last shot always reminds me that the most valuable things to me are them.”
“Sharp! Can I use that for a song?” Chay looked thoughtful and quickly grabbed his iPad to jot it down, while I smiled and shook my head.
“Are you going to wait?” I asked Chay while shaking the film that was turning from white to our picture.
“How long will it take, man? Kim's supposed to pick me up at six.”
“Okay, I'm only teaching for an hour today.”
“Should I ask Kim to drop you home?”
“Could you? Today, Phii Pete and Hia are busy, but before going back, let's buy some more film.”
“Sure, I'll tell Kim to come a bit later, okay?”
“Okay...”
“Is that the kid?” Chay nodded towards the front of the shop, looking at a good-looking high school kid who, upon seeing me, smiled widely showing his braces. “He is wearing blue pants too.” Chay murmured softly.
“Good morning, D-Day...” I greeted my student. Recently, I've been tutoring English on the side without Hia and Phii Pete knowing. At first, I just wanted to do something useful because I was too lazy to join faculty activities, but lately, I've been needing money and wanted to earn some on my own so I wouldn't have to bother Hia and Phii Pete often.
“Good morning, Phii Macau... and...” D-Day looked at Porchay with a curious expression.
“His name is Porchay, my friend. This is D-Day, greet him.”
“Hello, ugh!” The brat nudged until he got a smack on the head from me. I laughed heartily at my friend's antics.
“Good morning, Phii Porchay. Actually, I've told you many times to just call me Day.” This kid nagged a bit and then tossed his backpack next to me casually, “I'm going to order something to eat. Do you want anything else?” Day asked, staring at me unblinkingly until I shook my head.
“Go ahead.” Day spun around to the counter. Chay elbowed me and looked at the kid with dislike.
“Something's off...” Chay whispered to me.
“How so?”
“He looks like a thug, with a skinhead and tattoos. Doesn't seem like he'd be interested in learning English. If you told me he was here to teach boxing, I'd believe that more.” Chay couldn't help but keep analyzing the kid, right as Day turned back, smiled at me again, “You two are sitting there like you're plotting something, asking questions, looking only at you, it's weird.” Chay whispered again, quite loudly.
“What's weird about it? That's just how he is.”
“Even his name is weird. What kind of person is named D-Day?” Chay was suspicious from head to toe, and damn, he even questioned his name. Seriously!
“It's the new generation, right? Parents give them complicated names. Don't just pick on him. You and I have weird names too, damn! Macau and Porchay. Very normal, huh?” I said, laughing at my friend's overthinking.
“It's not weird, my name and yours are cool, but that guy, judging from his name, his tall figure with a short haircut, a mischievous style, and an untidy school uniform like that, he's definitely a troublemaker.” Chay declared, “You've been hanging out with Big Brother too much lately, huh? That's why your verbal skills have upgraded this much. But speaking of which, Phii Porsche, his older brother, isn't just anyone; he cursed until Second Brother got sick. I've heard the rumors often.”
“Overthinking! Don't judge someone by their appearance, he's actually trying to study.”
“Really? In the classroom with you, does he believe his teachers at all?” Someone like me would believe you; just met him on the first day and already dug up his roots. I've taught Day here about three or four times now. It just so happens he's the cousin of my high school best friend, and when my friend found out I was tutoring, he sent this kid over, that's all. Because his English skills are absolutely terrible, he fails every time, gets an 'F' until the disciplinary teachers are running around calling his guardians non-stop. So, I didn't focus on anything else but starting from the basics with him, from A, B, C.
“Here he comes...” Day walked to the table. Me and Porchay, who were analyzing his appearance, quickly sat up straight as if we hadn't just been talking about him.
“Today, my friend is here to wait too. Is that okay?” I told Day before picking up my iPad.
“Feel free, what do you say, Day?”
Pffft! That wasn't a sound from me but from the person next to me who was sipping water and choked immediately upon hearing that sentence.
“Sorry, sorry.” The guy quickly grabbed a tissue to wipe his mouth and the chocolate mess on the table.
“Uh!! The homework I gave you, let's check it.” I quickly changed the subject to keep things normal. Actually, Chay got many things right; he's a mischievous one, sometimes likes to get on nerves. Me, by calling out my name just now, but not thinking much of it, I just let it pass.
“It's done, here!” He took out his iPad and opened the app with his homework that he sent to me.
“While you're checking, could you make up a sentence for me according to the prompt? Come on, let's trade.” I swapped iPads with Day, and I almost smashed his iPad on his head when I realized that what I taught barely went into his head at all.
S+am/is/are+Noun
My Name is Day. Day is Mean. Monday Tuesday Wednesday. But. My mom. My dad Tell me When me Born are Good day. Thai Say DeeDay. Yes! I am Deeday and. My Teacher name is Macau. Very very Cute Xoxo.
You...! You brat!!!
“What school is this guy from?” Porchay glanced over and was shocked.
“High school Grade 6!”
“Tell him to repeat the grade.” Porchay sighed.
“Ha! Stunned, right? You told me to describe myself, and I even added a compliment for you in the last sentence. Your face turned red, huh, hehe.” Embarrassed-your-mom's-house, I am! I'm angry, understand? Seeing someone from an international program with such distorted grammar, it looks like he's intentionally messing around, oh my... I have to chant 'breathe in, breathe out' heavily in my mind. If this was before, my patience would've snapped long ago. I would've chased him home and loudly declared, 'Don't ever show your face here again!' It's prickling in my heart, seeing what he wrote, it's irritating in every sentence, but whatever! You're a special ed teacher, dammit! Calm down, Macau, calm downnnn...
“Okay... got it... if Day wants to write about the meaning of his name at birth, right... Day, you see, you can't just write this standalone... Day needs to think about the subject, plus, is, are, equals...” And now I have to start teaching from the beginning again. Damn it!!! I've talked about this three times in a row now! Not counting the first time I made him memorize from A-Z, and then told him about English vowels, ohhhhhh!!!!!
I admit that today I taught this kid, Day, with a lot of seriousness and pressure, not giving him any chance to speak or get on my nerves at all because I was really serious. If today I couldn't make him understand, there were only two possibilities for him to consider: one, this kid is beyond help, or two, I'm not good at teaching. And it seems I'm leaning more towards the second option because lately, I often blame myself and get easily upset over recurring mistakes. Yes! I'm an overthinker, and anything that doesn't go my way, I can hardly shake off, leading to stress and headaches to the point of insomnia.
“If you understand, then write down ten sentences using only 'I am' for me to see.” I could tell how tense the atmosphere was; Day was sitting there, more stressed than ever.
“Yes... but... can I go to the bathroom for, like, 5 minutes?” he said nervously. I sighed softly, closed my eyes, and nodded slowly before he got up and walked out.
“Are you too stressed, Cau? The kid is terrified.” said Chay, who had been quietly sitting there, occasionally playing games or looking at me. He spoke with unease.
“Sigh... do you think I'm terrible?”
“Drink some water first, don't pressure yourself. It's obvious that the kid is hopeless.” Chay tried to comfort me.
“Or maybe I'm just not explaining it well. Maybe I'm the one who's not good at this.” I exhaled slowly, trying not to let the pressure make my heart race.
“No way! I understood from your first explanation. Don't blame yourself.”
“But I've taught him almost four times now.”
“That's because he's dumb! Call me a bully if you want, damn it! He can't even do the most basic sentences. It's not because of you.”
“But it's my job to make him understand. If he doesn't, then it means I'm the problem.” That's really what I was thinking, my mind looping around how inadequate I felt, how I couldn't even succeed in teaching a simple private lesson.
“Macau! Come on, how many times do I have to tell you not to blame yourself? And don't overthink. You'll end up not sleeping tonight. Have you taken your meds?” Porchay asked with concern, noticing my hand shaking as I held my glass of water.
“It's a mistake, so you have to blame yourself first. Isn't that right?” I turned to ask my best friend for his opinion.
“But you have to consider the context too. It's not always about blaming yourself, especially when you've done your best. It's like playing the flute to a buffalo; will the buffalo understand?”
“So what do you want me to do? I've already taken responsibility and taught it. The only thing I expect is to make the kid understand.” As soon as I finished that sentence, Porchay immediately countered.
“But people aren't equal, so you can expect things, but also look with your eyes wide open at what those expectations are. Let's start with getting from A to Z first, or do you expect that after finishing the course, he'll be able to recite speeches in English like an expert? That's crazy, my friend... Let's try again... That kid, besides staring at you, I don't see him interested in the letters you write or try to pour into his brain at all.” I looked up at my friend for clarity.
“Yeah! He likes you!!! He's interested in you, not in studying, clear? And if it were me, I'd be very chill. If he's happy just looking at my face, I'd let him. If he talks in one ear and out the other, then let it be! Got paid. Taught him. Don't care if he doesn't listen! Done! Stop! Don't overthink it!”
“Really?”
“Yeah! Easy job, talk about simple stuff you're an expert in, let him stare at you for an hour, and that's it. Get rich! That's all there is to it. My brother says when it comes to money, don't think too much. They give, you take, don't consider it a big responsibility, just don't let it weigh on your mind.” Chay spoke in a laid-back manner, and I slowly started to think along his lines, gradually agreeing with him.
“True, but...”
“Dessert is served.” The waiter placed a dessert in front of me. I realized it must be from Day, who probably ordered it when he stepped out earlier, because neither of us wanted to eat anything right now, except argue about this matter. I wasn't paying attention, so I slid the plate over to where Day was, and he leaned forward to look at the plate with curiosity.
“That...”
“Phii Pete is calling me, I'll go out to take the call.”
I walked out to take the call outside the glass-fronted shop with a cheerful tone, and smiled even wider when I learned that Phii Pete was in the area and would come to pick me up to go home...
[Porchay - Good Day.]
A plate of pancakes, with a message: To day a D-Day for Macau? Smile a lot, okay, :).
Porchay made a face like he was going to throw up, thinking to himself, he's not good at English, really? Just then, Day walked up to the table. Porchay quickly acted normal.
“Where is Phii Macau?”
Porchay looked outside the shop, causing Day to follow his gaze and smile broadly, “Has he seen the message on the plate yet? What did he say?”
“He's calling his bodyguards to come stand in front of you!”
“You are just kidding. He was pleased, right? Why else would he smile so widely?” Day turned to look at Macau, feeling proud because he had never seen Macau smile with his eyes squinting like that before.
“Don't you know he's from the mafia? And his family is one of the top in the country.”
“I know, I know. Phii Pao told me, that's why he’s interesting.”
“Because he's rich?”
“No. Where would you find a mafia kid acting this cute? That makes him even more interesting...” Porchay made another face like he was going to throw up, just as Kim called.
“In fifteen minutes? Okay, should I also buy some Taiyaki for you? I'm too lazy to walk...” Porchay talked on the phone with Kim, ignoring what the others at the table were doing, and at that moment,
Snap!...
“Kim came to pick up... Hey! What are you doing!! Kim, just this for now.”
[Macau.]
I answered Phii Pete and listened to him complain about random things a bit. I lied, saying I was at the cafe doing a report with friends, not mentioning that I was tutoring, because I wanted to save money to buy surprise gifts for both of them. Just as I hung up in a good mood, it seemed like chaos had erupted in the shop between my friend and my student.
“Is this your camera? I saw it had only one shot left, so I borrowed it to take my picture, Phii Macau, so you can keep it as a memory.” I quickly rushed over to see the situation up close, my heart nearly dropped to my ankles, anger surged so fast that I felt my head heat up with swiftness.
“Cau, I'm sorry, I wasn't careful. I turned to talk on the phone with Kim, didn't think this kid would take your camera to play with.” Porchay exclaimed, looking alarmed, then turned to confront Day.
“It's Cau's camera, why are you making a fuss? Keep it as a souvenir.” said Day with a smile as he handed the photo and camera back to me. I didn't even know what expression I had on my face or what I was going to do next, my mind was blank and filled with rage to the point of almost exploding.
“Cau, calm down, man. Kim is on his way to pick you up. You should go out...” Porchay, probably sensing I was about to explode, quickly squeezed my hand to ease my tension.
“Hey Phii! Am I not the one who has a class with him today? The one who should leave is you...”
Thud!!! I grabbed Day's bag with force and slammed it on the table in front of him, then closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
“Class dismissed, you can go home today.” I said in a flat tone, causing Day to pause and look at me with a slight fear.
“But...”
“It's already twenty minutes past, see you, bye.” I shoved his backpack into his hands while gently pushing him away from the table, though in my heart, I wanted to yank him and throw him to the ground repeatedly.
“...” Day bit his lip, looking like he realized something was wrong, then he saluted me and Porchay with a wai, and walked out of the shop.
“It's okay, man, it's my fault, I should've watched your stuff better.” Porchay pulled me to sit down on a chair, speaking with a guilty tone.
“It's not your fault, I didn't keep it safe myself.” I spoke while slowly exhaling, looking at the camera in my hand, which now showed zero on the film counter.
The number zero feels like the emptiness inside me, because I truly intended to save it for Hia, Phii Pete, and Venice.
“Stop teaching him, will you? That guy, before learning English, he should learn manners first. Should I tell Hia to deal with him?”
“No need, Chay, let it be. It can't be fixed now...” I feel weak again, my heart covered with emptiness, my mind screaming at myself for carelessness, mistakes, failures, not even able to keep a single film safe, the feeling of sinking deeper, pulling me down every time, multiplying with each failure in life, no matter how small. But I feel terrible about myself, unable to let go. I've become repressed, introverted. Not liking crowds, anxious about everything in life. Even a Polaroid, it seems like my only hope, or a small success, that I wanted the last picture of every journey to be meaningful to me, but I can't even start. Why doesn't anything in my life go as planned?
“Here, I bought this for you.” I don't know how long I've been sitting with my head down, lost in the deep pit of my heart, until a taiyaki filled with ice cream was offered in front of me, and I slowly looked up.
“Thank you.” I took the taiyaki from my cousin, trying to fake a smile even though my tears were about to overflow.
“Can we go back yet... or should I give you a ride?” Phii Kim said casually as always, and walked over to pick up Porchay's bag to sling it over his shoulder.
“You should head back first, Phii Pete will pick me up later.” I said in a faint voice, feeling completely drained.
“Then, me and Kim will stay with you until Phii Pete comes.” Porchay said with a concerned look, “Kim, you don't have anywhere to be, right?” Porchay turned to ask his boyfriend.
“Feel free, and by the way, I've paid for everything... Ah, nice atmosphere here.” Phii Kim sat down, stretching his legs and relaxing his body.---
“Phii Pete is almost here. No need to wait, I'll be fine.” I told Porchay with a serious face. Porchay turned to look at Kim for an answer, “It's really just a small matter, I'll be okay, Chay.” I said, smiling at my friend to reassure him.
“But I'm worried...” The more I saw Porchay's eyes, the more I blamed myself, wondering if I had become a burden to both of them. They might have had plans to go out for dinner and a movie, but once again, I was holding them back.
“It's okay, go ahead. It's good for the two of you to spend some time alone together. Phii Kim has been busy with work lately, right? It's good for you two to be alone together. I'm okay.” My words seemed to deepen Porchay's frown.
“Alright, let's go, Porchay.” Then it was Phii Kim who stood up, pulling his boyfriend's arm.
“But Kim...”
“There he is now... it's really okay...” Phii Kim said, looking outside the shop, and my eyes quickly followed.
“Phew... I'm relieved, don't overthink it, man. I'm off.” Porchay waved goodbye to me. I smiled at him and made a shooing motion for him to go with the pulling force.
“Oh! Khun Kim. Little Porchay...” Then a cheerful voice echoed, reaching my ears. I watched as someone with a wide smile and sparkling eyes, holding a small child in their arms, approached. Suddenly, my despair began to fade, and my focus shifted entirely to Phii Pete walking into the shop. He stood talking to Phii Kim and Porchay for a moment, until finally, he pushed the door open, his gaze fixed solely on me.
“Is the report done yet?” His teasing tone accompanied him as he squeezed next to me on the chair. The anxiety that had filled me moments ago was now replaced with comfort.
“Phii Pete...” And since this was my safe space, I could express anything without any fear. I lunged forward, hugging Phii Pete tightly, burying my face in his chest, and couldn't help but sob uncontrollably.
“...” Phii Pete didn't say anything, but he placed Venice next to me along with some toys, and then turned to hug me tightly. His hand gently stroked my head, reminiscent of a mother's touch from childhood, always comforting me.
“Ugh... sob.” I didn't understand why such a small thing had to be blown out of proportion in my mind, making me cry like this now. My thoughts were scattered, exhausted, leading me to curse myself for how disgusting it was to make everyone around me uncomfortable.
“You've been through a lot today, huh?” Phii Pete said in a cheerful tone, before one of his hands picked up the last Polaroid photo to look at it.
“To day a D-Day for Macau? Smile a lot, okay.” Phii Pete read the message written on the pancake plate in the photo, which made me feel even sadder than before, “Ah... the person who wrote this must feel really bad, today isn't a good day, is it?” I pulled away from Phii Pete's embrace and looked up at him with tears in my eyes.
“It was going to be a good day. If this idiot hadn't used my last Polaroid camera shot, and it was the last film I was saving to take a picture with Hia, you, and Venice.” I said, unable to hold back. There are only a few people in the world who truly get to hear what's in my heart.
“So, the last picture meant something to you, Macau, huh...” Phii Pete looked at me and then at the photo.
“I told Porchay, because along the way, while taking those pictures, they told my story, but it had to end with the last picture to always remind myself that the most important thing in my life is my brothers.”
“Then, this isn't so bad, is it?” Phii Pete said while wiping the tears from my cheeks with his finger, “Because this is a blessing, to make Macau smile a lot. Me and Vegas want you to have good days every day. This guy knows his stuff, coming to bless my beloved brother, but I like this picture.” Phii Pete gently stroked my head.
“But I wanted to have you guys in it.”
“Every moment we are with you, me and your brothers won't go anywhere, and now!!!! Venice…what did you buy for Macau today?” Phii Pete turned to pick up Venice and handed a white bag to my little brother, “Give it to Macau, give it to Cau quickly.” Phii Pete urged Venice, and then Venice handed the white bag to me.
“Film for the camera.” I opened the bag to find dozens of boxes of camera film inside, which made me smile.
“C... Cau... o... o... right.” The little hand of the child gently touched my face. Oh, this crazy kid, why does he always do nice things for me?
“See? Venice also wants you to smile a lot, right!” Phii Pete looked at Venice and then at me.
“Huh... I know. But it still feels sad... like, why doesn't it go as hoped.” I smiled faintly while speaking with a shaky voice.
“Why do you like Polaroid cameras?” Phii Pete asked me.
“...” I paused, biting my lip lightly before speaking, “Because it's thrilling, it's like having the only picture in the world, you can't add filters, can't edit it.” I answered while looking at my brother. Pete, who was carefully loading the new film into the camera for me.
“Yes, it can't be edited, and with a Polaroid, you can't even expect what you'll get, right?”
“...” I listened quietly to the person in front of me once again.
“The excitement of it, more than not being able to edit, is like we don't even know if the picture will turn out good or not, but that's the memory, that's the charm of a Polaroid, isn't it...” Phii Pete handed me the camera now loaded with film, “Alright... don't expect things you can't control, like our lives, try letting go, it might turn out beautiful sometimes. No, not sometimes, but it will always be our memory.” I listened intently to Phii Pete and thought about it before smiling with a good feeling.
“That's true.”
“The rule of the Polaroid camera that you set is to not expect anything, you know, because everything that happens is already recorded. It can't be changed, but there's one thing that will become clearer over time...” Phii Pete said with a smirk, “Let's take a picture.” Phii Pete held Venice on his lap and gestured for me to turn the camera for a selfie of the three of us, “Wait, wait a moment.” Then Phii Pete opened his screen, which showed a picture of Hia giving a thumbs up to the camera. Seeing it, I couldn't help but smile,
“Okay... one, two...”
Click! The camera slowly ejected the film that had been taken, and Phii Pete shook it vigorously.
“But what will become clearer over time is the feeling when taking the photo. At that moment, it's like this picture is the only one in the world, just like Macau, who is one of a kind in the world. Macau's heart is also unique in the world, and now it's clear. See?”
Phii Pete handed me the photo of the three of us. No, four of us.
“And... Can I borrow a magic marker?” I opened my bag and handed Phii Pete a magic marker. He wrote under the photo in English:
'Let Macau have a nice everyday'
“The first film of the camera, and I hope every film tells a good story of Macau.” I smiled and quickly wiped my tears.
“Your English has improved a lot.” I teased with a wide smile to my favorite brother-in-law.
“Of course! Living in this bilingual house, mixing Thai and English, would drive anyone crazy.” Phii Pete complained and took a big bite of the pancake on the table, “Eat.” I sighed at the cuteness of Phii Pete. Not to be outdone, Venice started causing trouble by climbing onto the table and fiercely chasing after the taiyaki that Phii Kim bought for me.
“Don't do that, dear... people will say your dad doesn't teach you manners, oh no!! Don't dunk your face in there.” I felt strangely uplifted with my chaotic family. Actually, when it comes to eating, Phii Pete and Venice are exactly alike. Both were tugging and pulling at each other until I burst out laughing, especially when Venice smeared melted ice cream on Daddy-Pete's face out of frustration.
“Venice is getting quite bold these days! Do you want me to find a cane to give you a good beating?”
And the scene in front of me finally allowed happiness to flow into my heart. Even if it was just a little happiness, at least my family of four made my feelings not empty.
People shouldn't expect as Phii Pete said; truly, don't cling to the past, don't yearn for the future, but live in the present and accept what happens, like this Polaroid camera, this is it...
I will live like a Polaroid, excited, accepting, and clear. :)
Chapter 3: Cassette Player
'Don't forget to take your medicine.'
I read the orange post-it note with a cute cat design stuck in the middle of the door, smiling faintly at Phii Pete's message left there. Today, I came home early because I didn't have any special teaching. Porchay was with Phii Kim, Hia went to work. Phii Pete was out on errands. Venice was probably sleeping in the room with Nopp. My life is quite simple, not exciting, bordering on extremely boring. I've started to crave less excitement, find it harder to approach people, avoid activities leading to change, feeling like I want to be alone even before getting old, wanting to go home (a real home), listening to music, watching usual's movies repeatedly, living an unchallenging life, blending in, too lazy to stand out. Let others say what they will, keep everything as simple as possible, although before this, I would've needed Hia or Dad to call me back, or if I was still reluctant to return home, Auntie would send bodyguards to drag me from the bar with friends as usual.
I used to think that once I turned twenty, I would never set foot in the house again, would drink every day until dogs called me father, and maybe add a bit of color to life with some brawling with rival schools, acting as a gang leader, doing everything to be recognized, like buying expensive things, treating friends to meals, using connections to get into bars, dominating enemies, things like that. Looking back now, it was utterly exhausting, and suddenly, I felt sad inside, the world that once was vibrantly colorful turned gray, what I thought would make me happy, now it doesn't anymore.
It feels like the only happiness in my life right now is sleeping, drifting into dreams, so I can escape into them and not face reality, because reality is always painful...
I lay down on my bed as usual, fiddling with my phone aimlessly, and soon my body would slowly fall asleep, but...
Knock, knock.
The moment the knocking sound came, followed by the sound of the doorknob, it was the opening of the room door that only three people in the house could do, aside from Hia and Phii Pete, it would have to be...
“What's up, Nopp.” I didn't flinch or move at all because I already knew who had come in.
“Change your clothes and come down for a snack, please.”
“Later... I want to sleep.”
“Khun Vegas and Khun Pete will be back soon. What would you like to eat today? Shall I prepare something?” As soon as Nopp played this card, I lifted my head from the bed immediately.
“Hia is coming back early today?”
“Yes, today he has no appointments or meetings. Shall we go down and wait for him?” I nodded in agreement, feeling a bit cheered up knowing that this evening would be another day we could have a meal together, all present. I gave a slight smile to Nopp and promptly got out of bed.
Nopp, a bodyguard, has been around the longest compared to those sent by the Main family. He was the only one from the former Second family whom Phii Pete begged for him to be spared, and Nopp was also someone Phii Pete trusted to look after me and Venice when he wasn't around. At first, Nopp seemed to work just for the money, not really fitting the image of a bodyguard in my eyes. But in times of hardship or even when we had nothing left, that's when you see clearly who stands by your side. That saying is damn true. And when he sees me come home and rush to my room, he always invites me to go outside, to sit or walk, to get some sun and fresh air, probably not wanting me to stay cooped up in my room. Nopp must be the one who has seen my development the best, how I used to be so mischievous that bodyguards were wary, but because of something lost, I'm not like usual anymore. Nopp is probably concerned.
Since Dad passed away, Hia has been in the ICU. I've always considered Nopp as another significant person who has stood by my side and comforted me throughout. Over time, it has become clear that he genuinely cares and is ready to look after all four of us with his heart.
Now, I find myself lying down on the sofa in the middle of the house, surrounded by guards controlled by the Main family, wandering all around. I don't recognize anyone, nor do I wish to. Even though they treat me like one of the masters, with bows and politeness, I can't trust anyone, and the longer I stay, the more uncomfortable I feel. So, I put on my AirPods to listen to music, grab some snacks to eat, and casually flip through a family photo album while waiting for Hia and Phii Pete to return.
I'm looking through the old album, mostly filled with pictures of me and Hia as kids, taken by Mom. I don't know why I'm so drawn to old things lately; I've been watching old movies, looking at old photos, playing with old toys, and listening to old songs like the one I'm listening to now, as I hold the album.
“I never got to know how you are, no news since we parted, did someone take my place? Is he good to you? Do you dream of me or have you forgotten everything? Do you still think of me when you're alone...”
The slow melody of the song, in the version by K. Pat, Suthasinee, seems to hypnotize, making the old pictures of me and Hia even clearer. In the photo, there's elementary school-aged Hia with me, a toddler, clinging tightly to his arm. Even though I was so young I can barely remember, I can vividly recall the feeling of that day.
“I want to stay with Mom, I will stay with Hia...” My almost unintelligible words trying to plead while alternately looking at Hia and Mom, and Auntie would always stand with her back to me, pretending not to care much.
“Macau, you have to go with other kids to start school, okay, son? I will pick you up at three in the afternoon.”
“I don't want to.” And then I cried, whining, until Hia reached out to gently hold my head with affection and turned to look at my very worried mother.
“I'll come to check on you often...” Even though it's a fragmented memory, I still remember Hia's eyes that day well, eyes full of love, concern, and affection, with all his heart. He crouched down, gently turned my face to look at him, and said in a calm voice, “I will stand and watch you from this window. If anyone bullies you, I will deal with it myself, I will come by often.”
And every time I looked at that window, Hia would often be there, watching me and smiling kindly, as if I was never out of his sight for even a second.
...Since then, without a mother, life seemed to change, still lonely, still grieving, left with nothing but silence, still missing the days when it was just us.
The days when it was just us, dad, mom, Hia, and me.
I looked at another photo, like a bodyguard might have taken it, it was a picture of me dressing Hia's wound. Me in early primary, Hia in late primary. I remember being bullied by friends, because of my smaller size and pale skin, making me an easy target for the class bully. That day, they hid my shoes and bag, and even pushed me until I fell. When Hia found out, that was it; Hia took his gang and beat up those kids until they surrendered. It got to the point where parents were called. In the photo, Hia wasn't hurt at all, but it was my classmates who ended up in the hospital. But I saw Hia had a scratch on his hand from dealing with those guys for me. So, I put a plaster on it for him.
It was hilarious, haha, even though Hia wasn't hurt at all, but both of us got a scolding from dad until our ears were numb. Dad... dad, really?
Yes, dad. Although I didn't really like dad much, when I think back to past events, I remember dad even took the matter up with the principal, when it should've been the parents of those kids. And dad threatened to stop funding the school if his child continued to be bullied...
Actually... in front of others, dad was always nice to us. Even though every time dad looked at me and Hia, his gaze was always critical, always displeased... but if...
I pursed my lips tight... when certain feelings rushed into my heart uncontrollably. But today, it's so empty and lonely, do you know I miss you? I miss you every time I'm alone...
But if dad were still here, the atmosphere at home might be less suffocating. There wouldn't be strangers walking all over the house like this, and I could act tough like back in high school, live the life I should, because dad would be there to cover for me, right?
Even though the house isn't pleasant. Even though there's nothing but arguments, and I don't like dad's face, and I often act out just to annoy him, even though his scolding voice echoes in my ears and stays in my mind all the time, but I... didn't really want dad to disappear.
Even though I don't like dad at all, I like him more than Uncle. I still like that we're together, four of us, Dad, Mom, and us kids...
And if Uncle scolds me and Hia, if Big Brother bullies me, Second Brother acts superior, then who will protect me? Because everyone knows when in front of others, dad shows he loves us, to death. So I often cause trouble to go to the Main family house, to clash with Big Brother just to yearn for... Dad, you know?
With him dying first like this. Me and Vegas would surely be bullied by the Main family every day. Look at now, they're holding us like we're in some sort of detention awaiting judgment. Not really concerned about their children at all, never changing, never showing love, so why the hell are my tears welling up? Damn it! Not watching anymore. I closed the page and folded the photo album just as my brother walked in.
“H... Hey...” Before I could greet, Hia made a sullen face and went upstairs.
What's up with him... must be in a bad mood. Sigh... brother's moods are hard to guess, some days good, some days bad. Although he's never bullied me or hurt me once, I feel sorry for my brother, who must be under a lot of pressure now, having to put on a face to work for the Main family, and still be the pillar for us. If he goes crazy or whatever, just let him be. I always believe that what Hia does for me, from when we were little until now, is because he truly loves and is ready to protect me.
Hia is Hia; whenever I asked for help, there was not a single time he thought to refuse, and not once did he leave me alone. Hia has experienced much more than I have. When dad hit us, Hia would always shield me with his body. You could say do whatever you want to him, but don't touch his brother. And one day, I will protect Hia as he has protected me. One day, Hia will be proud, believe me.
Now, I keep reminiscing about the past. Do you know why? Because if we're hurt by the present, we immediately long for the past. I'm in pain and terribly afraid of loss.
I've become like that. Ever since everything changed on the day dad was no longer here. But it's not all bad. There are good things too, even if they can't replace the feelings I had for auntie, but this person makes me feel complete, sometimes making me forget the pain for a moment.
“Phii Pete, I ordered pizza today.” I sprang up from the sofa immediately and opened my arms for a hug from Phii Pete, who was just walking into the house.
“Okay, do you have homework today?” Phii Pete walked over to hug me affectionately.
“All done, and your Hia's back too, right? Let's order several trays.” Phii Pete smiled at me with affection and nodded.
“What about Venice?”
“I saw Nopp watching over him... Let's get cheese balls too, for Venice.”
“Alright... then I'll go check on Vegas first.” Seeing the swift back of Phii Pete, I felt fond of him too. In this harsh world, how can someone like him exist? Why does he take so much upon himself? It's obvious how tired Phii Pete has been lately, even though some issues aren't his to deal with. But I believe now Phii Pete loves us a lot, ready to do anything for us, without any conditions. If it were me, I would have run far away. I wouldn't take on all these burdens like this, but that's Phii Pete for you. Phii Pete, who is our light. Without him, Hia and I might not have lived until today. That person... he's the hope of the village. So, I'll try to tease Venice a bit less these days, so he won't have too much trouble with Phii Pete.
I was sitting there ordering pizza, choosing toppings that Phii Pete and Hia like, what I like, and some kids' food to please them since each of them has probably been through a lot. Today, Macau is going to prepare the food for everyone himself. He's getting New Orleans chicken, four boxes, pizza, three trays, cheese balls, carbonara spaghetti, and Phii Pete's spicy dried chili spaghetti.
As soon as I finished ordering the pizza, I sat back playing on my phone, waiting for the food delivery with peace of mind... but suddenly, a sound of something hitting the floor startled me so intensely that my subconscious reacted violently because that sound reminded me of when my dad and Hia used to argue.
I didn't want that to happen again because the painful memories from the past would flood back like someone was rewinding a tape in my deeply buried memories. This caused my feet to move quickly upstairs, and I stood trembling with fear in front of Hia's room...
“Vegas, get a grip, I'm here, I'm here!”
I closed my eyes, clenched my fists tightly, feeling a wave of dizziness in my heart. I could hear the two of them shouting at each other, though not clearly, and things kept dropping to the floor. Each time there was a noise, I jolted uncontrollably.
My hands were ice-cold, and tears flowed uncontrollably, making me realize that the trauma and pain from past violence, which I tried to forget, had never really left my heart. Today, it was clearer than ever because these two are the people I love the most right now.
Previously, the images of family violence had been mitigated because I had learned to step over and accept what had been. But today, right now, it's not like that at all. I can feel that the pain has never really gone away from my heart.
I'm scared, terrified to the utmost. I'm afraid of losing what I might have to face again, like someone is stepping on my wounds to make them bleed once more. I used to think time would heal everything, but just hearing that triggering sound, the most disturbing thing in my life comes rushing back incessantly.
I ran out of Hia's room with a feeling I couldn't bear any longer. I couldn't stand being there anymore, because I was cowardly and terrified to the point of losing my mind.
I locked my room tightly, ran straight to bury my face in the bed, and cried uncontrollably. My sorrow multiplied when I started cursing myself in my mind, wondering why I couldn't handle the problem right in front of me. I should have gone in to stop it, to intervene, but it hurt, and it was too scary for me to step back into that spot again.
The memories that flowed back kept gnawing at me, keeping me submerged in wounds that wouldn't fade. Both past and present, I couldn't pull myself up. I couldn't accept, couldn't bear the thought of facing a third loss. If it really had to be like that, I definitely couldn't handle it, I really couldn't, I was scared, scared of everything now.
And if I had to eliminate that pain, there was only one way... the only way I could release myself, not have to suffer with these awful feelings, was... I had to die. Only then would I be free from all this grief, and with a fleeting emotion combined with uncontrollable feelings. I didn't know when I had taken the cutter out of the drawer. And I had slashed my arm without feeling any pain at all, perhaps because my heart hurt more, making my body numb to any sensation. And the more I cut, the more wounds I made, the more I believed that even death wouldn't hurt as much as living did.
“Khun Macau!!!”
There was truly no way to heal anymore because the only way I wouldn't feel anything was for all the pain in my life to end with my death.
...
[Hospital.]
I woke up feeling exhausted, realizing there was an IV in the back of my hand, and I... I didn't succeed...
“Phii Pete.” I slowly called out the name of the person sitting beside me, watching over me, as tears streamed down my face once again, unstoppable. Phii Pete rushed to embrace me, also in tears.
“Why didn't I die!”
Phii Pete could have cried just once, then he wouldn't have to look so distressed like this again. Why, why? I could only blame myself internally for causing the person in front of me such discomfort. Even though he tried to smile at me, I could feel how much pain my actions had caused Phii Pete. Thinking like that, I couldn't stop blaming myself, wishing to disappear from the world again. I... I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to see anyone uncomfortable because of me anymore. I no longer know whether my existence or my death would cause less pain.
“I want to go home...” I told Phii Pete with a trembling voice, my weary eyes lighting up with a glimmer of hope once more.
“Are you hungry...?” That question from Phii Pete made me sob uncontrollably. His eyes, full of love and light, confused me further, making me question if my attempt to end my life was truly the right thing...
Both his smile and his caring gaze warmed my heart, making me despise myself for doing something so foolish. It was as if the sanity that had blurred and scolded me moments ago was replaced by a smile as bright as the sun shining into my soul. For a fleeting moment, I truly felt lucky to have him in my life. My emotions were turbulent, hard to control; one moment I wanted to die, the next I realized the warmth and regretted my thoughts, my mind spinning out of control.
“I want to go home... home...”
“Okay... let's go back and eat pizza at home, okay?” But it seemed like the dark, sinking part of me was pulled up once again with all the strength Phii Pete had. His words and his embrace made me... feel like I wanted to keep him in my life a bit longer. That fleeting feeling of wanting to die, it slowly faded away until I was dizzy, fighting an internal battle of endless feelings, and then suddenly, I started to drift off to sleep again.
“Wait until the IV drip is empty, they've already injected the antidepressant. Macau, you might be a bit confused, but he'll feel better once he wakes up again.”
I opened my eyes again, feeling something tickling my wrist... and saw that it was the nurse coming to remove the saline line.
“Phii Pete?” I asked him with a hoarse voice, prompting him to quickly pour water into a glass and hand it to me.
“Khun Pete has gone to get the medication. Khun Macau, please change your clothes and wait, the male nurse will take you down to the car.” I nodded in acknowledgment, the initial confusion completely vanished, replaced by an emptiness and a painful reflection on my childish actions. In the end, I've caused trouble for Phii Pete again, haven't I? The more I thought about Phii Pete's expression when he saw me wake up, the more guilty I felt for doing that. I was very selfish to try to die first without considering how much the people left behind might grieve. Why was I so foolish?
“Stay with the male nurse, okay?” As soon as the female nurse left, the male nurse in the room helped facilitate me to sit up, but I felt stronger and not as sad as before, perhaps due to the medication. Right now, I just wanted to relax and feel even lighter, so I asked the male nurse:
“Phii, do you have a cigarette?” I saw his troubled expression immediately, but I didn't give up, “I just want to let out some of the lingering sadness. Just one...”
The male nurse looked at my wrist and sighed.
“But...”
“I really want to de-stress, honestly.” With my persistent pleading and pleading eyes, the male nurse looked around before pulling out a cigarette and a lighter.
“But you can't smoke in here...”
“Yes, I'll go outside to the balcony at the end of the hall.” I said expertly because this is one of the Teerapanya hospitals, and there was a time when I came here often to tutor with Phii Top, so I'm quite familiar with the place.
“But it's the balcony, you can't leave me alone there.”
“Then let's go together.” He made a conflicted face again, until I glanced at my name on the bed's headboard, the surname of a partner in the hospital, which made the nurse reluctantly nod.
At first, he wanted me to use a wheelchair, but my body wasn't that bad. I refused and walked out of the room on my own with him closely following behind. On the way, I saw a faint shadow on the balcony, a familiar one, and as I got closer, I broke into a wide smile.
“You don't have to smoke with me anymore, Phii Top is there, you'll get scolded.” I turned to tell the nurse. He looked to make sure it was indeed Dr. Top and then walked away.
“Then I'll wait in the room, okay?”
“Thank you.”
I walked straight to the balcony, intending to greet Phii Top and smoke to unwind. Actually, Phii Top knew but would only grumble a bit when he saw me smoking in front of him. But because he understood that sometimes nicotine helps relieve stress, Phii Top often turned a blind eye, making me promise to smoke only occasionally, not every day.
But... the guy who always told me off for smoking, why is he smoking today?! I had never seen Phii Top smoke before, and certainly, he was smoking heavily due to stress. I was about to step in when I noticed another doctor, wearing a mask covering his face, standing and talking with Phii Top.
They must be discussing something serious; I shouldn't disturb them now, or approach at this moment. It might be about a patient's case or something else. It's a matter of courtesy, even though I really wanted to fill my lungs with nicotine, I had to hold back. And just as I was about to turn away, the faint sound of their conversation made my feet stop in their tracks.
“I'll tell auntie first that I'm busy these days, and might not finish the order on time.” Phii Top said in a deep voice.
“Hey! You know that each order can't be delayed. We're all busy right now.” Another doctor said with familiarity.
“But I'm not free. You see! The orders that come in, it's not like you can find them in a day or two, man.” The displeased tone of that person made me frown, “You've been late like this three times now, Top. Last time, I got yelled at until my ears nearly tore. Put in some effort like before, will you?!” The complaining voice continued to echo.
“Like today, there's an urgent case, it's his nephew. What can I do?” Phii Top spoke up, probably referring to me... but that only increased the dissatisfaction of his conversation partner, making me feel guilty once again.
“There are other doctors too, so you should work according to the orders, man! And frankly, Top, you spend all your free time on his son. That's why you don't have time for this part.”
“Hey! Don't talk about my personal matters.”
“I don't want to interfere, I'm just here to remind you. Young Master Teekhun is his beloved child, so you shouldn't have gotten involved from the start...”
“Sun!”
“Be careful, it might become an endless problem.”
Big Brother. Phii Top, orders, what the hell!!! And how are they related? Why did Phii Top look so stern like that, and why must...
Before I could question further, suddenly the balcony door opened.
“Macau...” Phii Top faced me directly, causing the person named Sun to look shocked, quickly stub out his cigarette, and excuse himself.
“Excuse me, Doctor Top.” Phii Top nodded and discarded his cigarette butt as well.
“Standing here eavesdropping?” The doctor Top, in the form I recognized, appeared again, and thanks to my skill in watching series with Phii Pete, I managed to pull a confused face.
“Eavesdropping on what? There you go! Phii Top smokes too, then why tell me not to?” I slipped onto the balcony and casually made a move to light a cigarette.
“Have you been here long?” Phii Top looked at me with a calm, unreadable gaze.
“Just since you greeted me, why? Were you guys talking about something?” I shifted from being questioned to asking the questions.
“No... But you're better now, right? That's why you can walk out here smiling like this.” I inhaled the smoke and exhaled it outside, letting it drift away with the wind.
“Yes, I'm better now.”
“Don't do it again, Macau. Do you know Pete almost went crazy?” Talking about this made me feel down again, guilt clouding my feelings until I almost wanted to cry.
“I was foolish.” I said in a low voice.
“Sigh... You're an adult now, Macau. No matter how much pain you're in, you have to live with it. I know it's not easy to endure such torment, but everyone grows up because of pain, and let mistakes be lessons so we can move forward. Besides, Macau, you're strong for having gone through so much. Be a bit stronger, okay? I believe Hia and Phii Pete would be proud of you.” Phii Top said while gently ruffling my hair and shaking my head with affection.
“Yes.”
“Stay, at least to take care of yourself, to give Pete strength, to let Pete fully express his love for the family, okay?
“Yes.” I nodded and puckered my lips slightly because I had caused trouble for Phii Pete again...
“Hurry up and smoke, I'll keep you company before Pete arrives.” Dr. Top stood with his arms crossed, watching me with a pressuring look... and I sighed.
Live to see Phii Pete's smile, stay to witness Hia's success, stay to see how much trouble Venice will cause as he grows up, and stay... to protect my family, and to uncover whatever crazy secrets seem to involve Teerapanya again.
Hmm... at least if I find out some truth, I can protect those I love, get them out of this cursed family. Maybe this could be my new mission.
Hang in there, Macau. It seems like there's still a lot to learn.