[T/N] I apologize for grammar mistakes and incoherencies
Chapter 12: Bluetooth
“Khun Macau, have you been waiting long?” Ray ran over, panting, to where I was waiting for him in front of the fountain after his tutoring session. Today, I attended classes in the afternoon and did all the usual activities. After yesterday's good energy and release with Porchay, I felt much better about the events of the past few days.
“A bit.” I shook my head immediately, then sipped from the dark-colored insulated cup in my hand, not feeling too great.
“I bought this for you, thought you might be tired from tutoring.” Ray looked slightly disappointed when he handed me a bubble tea topped with whipped cream and colorful toppings that looked appetizing, but I just ignored it and continued to sip my own drink, completely rejecting his kindness.
“Let's go, the traffic might get bad.” I stood up from the edge of my seat and hoisted my bag onto my shoulder, but Ray took my things with a willing smile, leaving me no choice but to let him show his kindness once again without any resistance.
After we got into the car, there was no conversation. I gazed far out the window, trying to piece together the disjointed sentences from Phii Pete and Phii Kim from last night. Although I heard everything clearly at the time, the alcohol had made my memory fade and left me with a headache, body aches, making it hard to process much.
“How long have you known Phii Pete?” I asked the driver, unable to shake the thought, causing him to raise his eyebrows in surprise.
“Excuse me?”
“What does 'master' mean?” I didn't want to keep everything bottled up inside. I asked about the word that was still stuck in my head, which Phii Kim and Phii Pete seemed to emphasize in their conversation.
“Master, what do you mean?” Ray shifted uncomfortably and swallowed hard, which I noticed, and I stared at him intently. “The glass is nice, isn't it?” Ray, seeing me watching him, gave a dry smile and complimented the glass I was sipping from, trying to divert the conversation.
“That was not smooth, try again.” I said, narrowing my eyes slightly, knowing well that Ray must know something about what I was trying to figure out.
“Is that alcohol, Khun Macau?” As I quietly sipped my drink again, Ray tried to steer the conversation away from my persistent gaze.
“It's just a little diluted with water.” I admitted. Even though it was heavily diluted, the scent from my constant adrenaline rush throughout the day couldn't be completely masked, especially when I was this close to someone. There was no way I could deny it, like how I always chose to sit at the back during class, far from the teacher and classmates to avoid being near anyone, or even during tutoring sessions where I sat on the opposite side of the table to keep my distance. But now, there were just the two of us, a few feet apart. I couldn't hide the pervasive scent that enveloped both my body and mind anymore. I chose to drink continuously because I just wanted to forget the pain and suffering, or at least, when drunk, I wouldn't see the emptiness within me. I didn't even know what I was doing, where I wanted to go, or what I truly needed, but the alcohol's effect couldn't dull my consciousness. I was still thinking.
“So, what is 'master'?”
I repeated the question until Ray couldn't meet my eyes anymore, and I started looking away from him out to the road.
“I don't know.”
“Liar! And where are you turning to now?” I saw Ray make a U-turn away from my neighborhood, prompting my immediate question.
“Khun Pete told me to take you to see a doctor today.” Ray said innocently. I, who had just realized this, started to protest, feeling restless and unprepared for Phii Pete's plan.
“Take me home now!” I snapped like a petulant child. How long had it been since I showed such a stubborn expression and tone? I felt like I was back to being the aggressive Macau from high school, wanting everything around me to go my way.
“Khun Macau.” Ray pleaded my name before I tried to open the car door, and he quickly locked it, keeping his finger on the button with suspicion.
“Then stop! I am getting out!!!”
“Khun Macau, if we don't go to the doctor today, Khun Pete will definitely beat me up!”
I stormed out aggressively, throwing the bottle at Ray in a fit of rage, then opened my drink and chugged it down to the last drop.
And I couldn't resist anymore, now that Ray had managed to drag my body to the psychiatrist. I tried to resist with all my might, but how could a weak person like me fight against someone much stronger and bigger?
“...”
“How are you, Macau?” The doctor, whom I never really liked, asked me with the same old annoying phrase every time we met, which I found incredibly stupid and irritating.
“...”
“Macau.” The doctor leaned in, trying to talk to me calmly, but I just turned away and sighed heavily.
“I'm fine.” I replied dismissively, feeling utterly irritated and restless.
“What are you thinking about?” I glanced at the doctor with displeasure and answered sharply without regard for manners.
“Thinking about doing something stupid.”
“Like what?”
“Having to tell my crazy story to a stranger.”
I couldn't control my actions or words; the frustration from not getting my way erupted, and I didn't know how to handle it. Now, everything around me was irritating, not just the doctor with his incessant note-taking and stupid questions, but also the bright lights that stung my eyes.
“Alcohol doesn't really help with sadness, and the cons outweigh the pros. The chemicals in your brain, combined with the medication you're on, when mixed with alcohol, can have severe effects, such as...”
Of course, the doctor knew from my demeanor, my eyes, my tone, maybe even the smell that lingered in the air, but his words didn't resonate or affect me. I wasn't listening to anything that might prick my subconscious.
“May I go out for a cigarette?”
The words were polite, but my actions were anything but. I got up from the couch without waiting for permission and walked out of the room with my cigarette pack, not caring about anyone's opinion.
“Macau... Macau.”
I scanned the area for the troublemaker who dragged me here to listen to some nonsense, but he was nowhere to be seen, which puzzled me. He was supposed to be waiting outside the room. Where did he go?
“Ray... Ray?”
Forget it! I gave up looking and headed straight to the elevator to go up to the rooftop, hoping to fill my lungs with nicotine to ease the stress from dealing with the doctor. I saw no point in sharing my feelings with someone who didn't really care about my pain anyway.
It's laughable how they claim they can cure our sadness and mental issues just by us telling them how miserable we feel. In the end, all we get are classic consolations that just remind us how much others love us, but if I could handle that, would I still be like this? Doctors or pills, it's all just a trick.
I caught a glimpse of someone familiar, probably Ray. I pushed the door slightly and was about to open it wider, intending to tease him for smoking while earlier he pretended to stop me, but it was good to have company in smoking.
[Rooftop.]
“Macau must have heard something, and what did he ask?”
“Just that.”
“Macau can't interfere with the Master organization.”
My body was held still, and I felt suffocated as I couldn't breathe properly, because what I saw was almost unbelievable. Ray was talking to Phii Top, in a conversation that seemed like they had known each other for ages.
“But I see it wouldn't make much difference, because the Master also wants to overthrow the Main family. Khun Macau himself hates the Main family a lot.”
“You're thinking too shallowly, Ray. I'm still conflicted about Arm.”
“Me too. I think the person who shouldn't be involved at all is Khun Arm. He doesn't have enough weight to help us deal with the Main family, plus we can't really gauge his loyalty... his triggers aren't strong enough compared to others.”
“But Arm is capable, quick-witted, and resourceful. If we work with him, things might go smoothly, but if we have information about his father's death, it could be a bargaining chip for Arm.”
“What about Khun Pete then?”
I gripped the doorknob tightly with excitement at the calm tone, but my heart was pounding as if I were in a terrifying murder chase movie. Why was the conversation I overheard filled with names of people around me, causing such discomfort that I could barely keep my legs steady?
“Pete is already fighting for Vegas. As for Kim, there's no need to mention his status; it's not much different from mine.”
“But doesn't Khun Korn love Khun Kim well? Plus, he has a stake in the inheritance and succession of the Main family.” Phii Kim? Yes... the conversation last night between Phii Kim and Phii Pete, the feelings were completely different. Phii Pete seemed hesitant, but Phii Kim was decisive, making me replay that event over and over in my mind and ask the same question.
“Kim isn't into the Main family, and he doesn't care about those things. What he's facing is scarier than we thought.”
“If that's the case, there's no need to worry. We just need to keep a close eye on Khun Arm and try to keep Khun Macau as hidden as possible.”
I looked away with tears that symbolized weakness. I was used to tears flowing every day, and I wondered if there would come a day when they would dry up. I didn't know when the whole story in my family had escalated to this extent, and why outsiders like Phii Top or even Ray were entangled in this crazy power struggle. It should have ended when my aunt died, right... what is this madness?
“Khun Macau is here... I've brought the medicine.” Ray said, rushing towards me in a panic. I looked at him in complete confusion before nodding for him to lead the way to the car and our destination as he intended.
Macau, the youngest son of the Second family, must not be someone who lets pain guide him, with tears as a sign of vulnerability and being stuck in the past. It mustn't be like that anymore!
…
“Where would you like to go, Khun Macau?”
Ray asked me during the journey, but I was lost in thought and didn't respond.
“...”
“Then let's head home.” he said, steering towards my house, but my heart, numb from pain and almost devoid of feeling, replied in a way that surprised Ray.
“Where's your condo?”
“Excuse me?”
“I... no… we, can we go to Ray's condo?”
I saw the look of hesitation and concern clearly on his face, prompting me to quickly clarify.
“...”
“I just want a place to feel at ease. I'm not ready to go home yet. If it's inconvenient, it's okay.”
I spoke in a detached tone but with the intention of fulfilling someone's purpose. I just wanted to follow through and reinforce his mistaken belief about how futile it is to hurt me or use me as a tool.
Ray decided to bring me to his condo. It wasn't particularly luxurious, but it was mid-range, accessible to most people. It was quite private and well-organized.
“It might be a bit cramped, or would you prefer to go somewhere else?”
I walked into his room uninvited and headed straight to the fridge, hoping for something I wanted, and sure enough, it was there.
“Want a drink? If we get drunk, we can just call a ride back.” I said, raising a can of beer I'd taken from his fridge, inviting him to drink as if I owned the place.
“Pete probably wouldn't like this.”
I didn't catch what Ray said. Now, sitting on the sofa, I opened the beer and drank without restraint. Ray's place was indeed small, but everything was neat and tidy, showing a love for cleanliness. I leaned back, looking up at the ceiling with a drifting mind, my voice flat as I asked a question without much expectation.
“Does Phii Pete know you're Phii Top's man?”
“Khun Macau.” Ray paused in his tidying, walking over to me slowly and silently.
“No, because Phii Pete would never do this to me. So, let's ask an easier question, who is Top?” I tilted my head back, finishing the alcohol in the can, then wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and glanced at Ray, who had now sat down beside me with an unreadable expression. It seemed turmoil was greatly affecting the person in front of me.
“...”
“Yes, I heard what you said on the roof. If I had to guess, Top being the master means he's the one who will bring down the Main family by using someone from within the family as a tool for destruction, right...?” Ray grabbed his own gun holstered at his waist, causing me to sneer at his behavior with disdain.
“I am correct! That's why you're holding your gun like that. I know too much now, don't I? Go ahead, shoot me because I'm not afraid of death anyway.” I grabbed Ray's hand and yanked it, pulling the gun out and pressing it against my forehead without fear. No, not at all. I felt no fear whatsoever. I prayed for Ray to finish me off quickly, hoping it would happen as I wished, “It would be a great favor. If you kill me now, because I've been waiting for this day for a long time.”
“Khun Macau!” Ray tried to pull his hand away, but I held the gun firmly against my forehead where previously had placed it.
“Why! Why!!! Why was I born into this damn family, and why do I have a connection with Top? Yes! I'm not hard to get. If you want me, you can start now.” I threw the gun away before lunging at the body in front of me, not giving him a chance to react.
“Khun Macau. Khun Macau, stop!!!...Ugh.” I quickly pulled Ray down onto the sofa, straddled him, and kissed him abruptly.
“If you're really determined, I might fall for you! Come on!!!” I took off my shirt before leaning down to kiss the lips of the man beneath me again.
Ray tried to turn his face away and resist my actions. Despite my efforts to nuzzle into him, pinning his arms on either side against the soft cushion, everything should have been smooth. His physique was perfect, his scent arousing, and the alcohol I had consumed all day made me reckless and momentarily impulsive. Everything was set up perfectly, as if orchestrated for me to fulfill someone else's intentions, but believe it or not... I felt no desire at all. I wanted to awaken Macau, the Kim within my soul, to deal with this situation, but the overwhelming sorrow and grief overshadowed everything, surpassing even the pain of this moment.
“Khun Macau... enough... I give up. I give up. I don't want you to suffer any more than this.”
Ray hugged me tightly, and I succumbed to weakness once again, stopping all actions as tears flowed uncontrollably, my heart's anguish too strong. Even the drink that made me lose my mind couldn't conquer my sadness. I tried not to think, not to feel, but in the end, nothing could help me get through this cruel time. I was truly exhausted.
“Hic... I'm worthless... meaningless... even if you say nice things, you still want me under your control just like Top did.” I buried my face into Ray's shoulder, letting waves of weakness and vulnerability repeatedly assault my inner feelings, as if deepening the wound to the brink of death.
“Not at all... Khun Macau. I am indeed Khun Top's man. I pretended to apply for a job with Khun Pete to uncover everyone's secrets related to the Main family. I observed and monitored behaviors for a long time, until I had to move myself to Khun Pete's hometown to make him comfortable and accept me here.” Ray spoke while tightly embracing me, his voice trembling as if he was also holding back some emotions.
“What do you guys want?” I tried to take a deep breath and gather my thoughts on everything happening right now.
“To topple the Teerapanya family.”
“For what?” I pulled away and looked up at Ray, whose eyes were filled with despair and guilt at the same time. He gently stroked my head before letting out a sigh of relief.
“I don't know, but Khun Top has some not-so-good past.”
“Is Top the master?”
“No one knows who he is; it's just an organization with deep information about the Main family.”
Ray's words made me sit up with many questions, and I grabbed another beer, opened it, and drank again and again, hoping that the story I was about to hear would help numb the pain I anticipated would be quite severe.
“What do you mean?”
“Everything is complicated; the master doesn't reveal his identity.” Ray then got up from lying down and walked to open the balcony, lighting a cigarette with evident stress showing on his face.
“...”
“He wears a mask and commands everything from behind the scenes.”
“Coward!” I slammed the beer can on the table before walking over to Ray and brazenly took his cigarette to smoke, but he didn't reprimand me and lit up a new one as if accustomed to my selfish ways.
“But I'm genuinely worried about you Khun Macau. I disagree with Khun Top's methods today, and I have no intention of doing the same. I came into this job ignorant, but seeing the love Khun Pete has for Khun Vegas, Khun Macau, and Khun Venice, it confuses me, and the closer I get to Khun Macau, the more I...
“Feel sorry.”
I interjected, looking at him with a mocking gaze from head to toe.
“Not at all. Khun Macau doesn't deserve any kind of pain.”
“Is that so...” But why do I feel like everyone is constantly trying to inflict pain and shove sorrow onto me? Not even sparing myself, who has led myself into this madness, making my already unstable emotions plunge deeper into hell than usual.
“Khun Macau is too valuable to go through this.” Ray reached out to pat my shoulder, stroking it slowly in comfort, but I shrugged him off in disgust. Not because of him, but because of those nauseatingly beautiful words.
“And what do you expect me to do next? Even you are deceiving me.” I blew smoke in his face and stared into his dark eyes relentlessly, as if challenging something.
“Kill me if it makes everything better.” Ray looked back at me with equal determination.
“And if I don't?”
“I'll leave everyone's life so you won't be troubled.”
“...”
We stared at each other as if in a psychological warfare game, where the first to look away loses, and neither of us was willing to concede.
“I only saw money in this job, but now I see your feelings that I can't destroy.” But because those words didn't sit well with me, I lost this round of the game and turned away to look at the view from the high-rise condo on the twenty-something floor.
“Is this one of the ways Top orders things to happen?”
“I can't quite tell the Main family and the Second family of yours apart, they are so different, I'm starting to feel the love you all have for each other.” With the increasing drunkenness, I wasn't really paying much attention, bored to death with the dreamy, value-seeing words because I thought it was a waste of saliva, “And it probably seems like an order from Khun Top to navigate by feelings, but I really spoke from my heart, and I will walk away from you and Khun Pete myself.” If those were heartfelt words, then I guess I'll have to, let Ray change his way of speaking, because the more I listen, the more it feels like erasing a tape in my head when listening to the doctor in the hospital, and of course, even though it seems serious, it's beneficial when it reaches ears like mine.
“Is Hia also in the Master organization?” I chose to let go of the sharp words, hopes, dreams, and all that, letting them fade into the air before focusing on what I wanted to know directly.
“Yes. Khun Vegas just has the condition that Khun Pete, Khun Macau, and Khun Venice remain safe from any fallout.”
Ray's answer left me unsure of how to feel. This really involves my family, doesn't it? Should I cry over the family's division or be proud and happy that Hia loves me so much?
“What about Phii Pete?”
“Everything is for Khun Vegas, including Khun Macau.”
And at this point, everyone is doing it to protect me... I should be grateful rather than sad and thank that cowardly Master organization, right? Because it shows me concretely who sacrifices for me, isn't that right?
“What about the Main family?”
“There's Khun Kim.”
“Phii Arm?” I raised my eyebrows, asking while glancing at him with curiosity.
“...I'm not sure.”
“And who else?”
Ray took a deep breath, inhaling smoke heavily as if he were drowning, pondering whether to reveal the secret to me. Just knowing Phii Kim was involved, I couldn't find any other reason to deny it.
“Porsche.” If there was someone I didn't expect, I myself didn't know how to deal with my feelings either.
Ray's revelation made me think of my beloved friend's face first, followed by Second Brother or Phii Kinn, feeling suffocated by the overwhelming complexity.
“Phii Kinn?” I asked Ray with a tense heart, because if that were true, a major loss and endless betrayals would soon follow, and certainly, that would mean my family and my clan could no longer trust anyone.
And then Ray lowered his gaze slowly, shaking his head slowly. Fear struck me hard. I didn't understand why I felt so much pain despite hating my own clan, but it didn't mean I wanted anyone to die.
“Khun Macau. Khun Macau, let me take you there, please.” I quickly moved away from the balcony. Even though my body swayed like someone about to collapse from dizziness, I grabbed my shirt and put it on hastily, heading to the door as fast as I could.
“Don't! Don't follow me!” Ray tried to hold my arm, but I shook him off with all my strength to get out of there and escape these troubling feelings as far as possible.
“I might hate the Main family, but you, Top, and those uninvolved shouldn't mess up Teerapanya's internal affairs like this. Get out of my life!”
Chapter 13: Gradient
I spent the night in my dad's room, staring at a large framed photo of my dad, uncle, and grandfather, which was hung on the wall as a symbol of a family that seemed loving on the outside but was filled with distasteful stories passed down through generations. After talking with Ray today, I understood more, and it made me realize why such a grand and wealthy family was constantly at war. We should enjoy life on heaps of gold and silver, admiring the vast power. Even though I am from the Second family and always mocked by the Main family, it shouldn't lead to such great disasters, and everything would be fine if outsiders didn't interfere. What do they want?
I can't understand Ray's words or Phii Top's conversation on the rooftop at all. I no longer want any more conflicts. I sincerely hope that after this major tragedy, everyone will live a more peaceful life. Even if it came at the cost of my aunt's last breath, this has escalated far beyond a power struggle. Everything is about “relationships.” specifically love, which is a powerful, strong, terrifying feeling capable of destruction, spreading until everything turns to ashes.
“Dad... why do I have to go through this?” I poured another shot of whiskey into my mouth. I let myself sink into such despair that I wanted to die just to end it all because no one understands how I feel right now. No one at all. There's no one left who truly understands me.
I fell asleep with the pain and woke up to a new morning with despair, before rushing to my family's hospital not knowing what I wanted or what I was looking for, but before I knew it, I was standing in front of Phii Top's office. I opened the door without expecting what I might face.
But I found emptiness, with lights on and the air conditioning running. I staggered to his desk, rummaging through the documents scattered around, realizing how pointless my actions were, and slowly opened the locked drawer under the desk with a small knife, prying it open to see what was inside without knowing what I would find.
I spent a long time with my hands fumbling everywhere, my mind not knowing what I was doing, still intoxicated, the smell of liquor stronger than yesterday, wafting around me. Before coming here, I had another drink to avoid seeing the emptiness within myself.
“Found what you were looking for?” Then a familiar voice sounded. I wasn't startled. I stood up without fear, even though I had scattered everything around.
“Phii Top.”
“Why don't you listen to me?” He walked in, pulling his headphones from around his neck, showing no signs of distress.
“What do you want?” I looked at his actions with disappointment that must have shown through my eyes.
“I have my reasons, but I warned you because I wanted to protect you.”
“Protect? From what... you? Because the most dangerous person right now isn't from the Main family. Not Hia, but you.” I said, standing where Phii Top slowly took off his glasses, twisting his body from side to side with fatigue. Why does he do everything so normally when the air around us is filled with the scent of imminent bloodshed?
“You're too naive, Macau.” He said, looking at me with the cold gaze I've grown accustomed to from the past.
“Why do you interfere with my family?” I couldn't explain my feelings beyond despair; everything was filled with frustration, yet I wanted to know what I couldn't possibly guess the answer to, and the answer might just be the silence I'm facing now, the same silence that guided my life blindly since childhood.
“...”
“Destroy everything, then what? You said uncle once funded your education to the end, didn't you?”
“Good deeds and sins can't cancel each other out.”
“Did he kill your parents? Destroy your family? Or...?”
“Neither. I was an orphan from the orphanage.”
“Do you want the Main family's power?”
Though there were some new answers and he responded occasionally, it seemed not to stir the indifference gripping both our hearts at all.
“No. Never thought of it. Never wanted anything as disgusting as that.”
“Then what's the reason?”
“Something beyond what you can imagine.”
Ever since I heard Phii Porsche's name associated with that organization, I knew what I had to learn next would be hard to accept. There's probably nothing beyond expectation except past histories coming back to destroy everyone. I believe that an unclean background will ruin everything just because no one is willing to let go, and I'm no exception.
“I hate those Main family members, and you give me hope... it's not good, Phii, why? To divide us?”
I spoke with a tone mixed with a laugh in my throat, as if to mask a deep-seated mistake within my heart that I couldn't bear.
“You don't have to do that. Macau, you hate those people anyway, right?” Phii Top looked at me with a meaningful gaze and gave a creepy smile.
“But I'm not shameless enough to drink from under the elbow of my own relatives.”
“Really?” Phii Top grinned widely as if he were the victor. The chill around us suddenly turned eerie; his demeanor, eyes, and movements made me instantly suspicious. He slowly stepped towards me, trying to corner me, while I looked left and right for a way to escape this unsettling situation.
“What do you mean... back off, Phii Top!” I pushed him away and tried to escape, but he grabbed and flipped me, pinning me against the desk.
“Don't!” Phii Top grabbed a nearby saline bag and restrained my wrists above my head, securing them tightly with an elastic band.
“Are you sure you don't love me, and you don't hate Teekhun?” He leaned down to whisper in my ear, then pulled my shoulder up and pushed me face down onto a small patient bed, pressing my head firmly into the pillow.
“Let me go!!!” I struggled with all my might, but it was futile as my sweatpants were pulled down to my ankles, and something cold touches my hip before a sharp pain shot through as a needle pierced my skin and entered my vein, the substance flowing through my body.
“What did you inject into me!!!” I shouted angrily.
“Just a sedative...” Phii Top pressed his body against my back, whispering for me to be quiet, his once warm hand now shamefully caressing my lower body, making me feel nauseous enough to almost vomit.
“I only do this to you, Macau... Teekhun, I'm just doing my duty...”
The disgusting words were almost unbearable to listen to. My vision was blurry, flickering like someone on the verge of losing consciousness. I didn't even know which substance was keeping me from holding myself together, whether it was what I willingly drank or what Top forced on me, or maybe both mixed together to the point where I could barely blink.
“Shut up, you bastard!!” I used my last bit of strength to shout at him. Meanwhile, my rear was being intruded upon without any manners or consent. I gripped the rubber floor tightly as the face I once adored now buried itself in various parts of my body, slowly penetrating me, making me want to cry from the bitterness. I didn't feel dishonored or possessive about my body, but the inner torment was so consuming that I overlooked the physical discomfort and had no desire at all.
“I'll make the naughty boy sleep better.” My hair stood on end as he licked my ear and moved his hips to his own rhythm. Even though my consciousness was fading.
“Let me go!”
That was my last sound before I was overwhelmed by the force and warmth spreading through my abdomen, along with my strength fading, and I fell into an unconscious sleep.
I woke up groggily in a strange place. Everything was stark white - the bed, the pillows, the curtains. Even the ceiling, with a clean, pure smell that I couldn't place. Worse, I was bound by thick ropes that crossed my arms in front of me, but my clothes were still intact, like usual...
Am I dead? And now being held by the Grim Reaper awaiting punishment? I got up from the bed, shaking my head to clear the dizziness, trying to regain my senses quickly. I looked at the ropes binding my hands, and my survival instincts kicked in. I tried twisting my wrists, pulling to free myself from the painful bindings, realizing this was no dream... This was the reality I was facing with fear. Though I claimed not to fear death, when everything chased me, I felt suddenly lost and terrified.
Hia... help me!
My heart skipped a beat, calling out for safety loudly within me. If Hia was here, I wouldn't have to suffer like this. I was repeatedly scared. Even with my eyes open, I couldn't see any way out. I felt Hia's embrace. If it was Hia...
Is that so? Is Hia safe then? But Hia did this to Phii Pete too, suddenly I remembered Hia's sinful past, along with the actions that stopped with resignation.
Everything happening to me now reminds me of Phii Pete. I've heard of the love that developed between Hia and Phii Pete, a criminal act leading to love, which I can't imagine how it happened. Suddenly, I wondered if what I'm experiencing is similar to what Phii Pete went through, even if it might not be half as painful as his. Back then, Phii Pete was critically injured, almost dying, but in the end, he was the one who understood Hia the most.
I can't understand that feeling at all. I can't even see how a good feeling could arise at any moment. All I see is pressure, suffocation, and disgust. No matter who does this to me, even if they were as handsome as a god, I would never fall for their charm or follow such bitter desires.
Vegas and Pete might have been destined to be together through a rough path, but I'm being punished by karma and there won't be a good ending like Vegas and Pete had. I surrender to the situation where my subconscious keeps reminding me of what my own family has done.
If this is atonement for what Hia, whom I love, has done, then it might erase his sins. I should accept it and be willing to be Hia's representative. I have escaped this karma.
I became more calm, mixed with fear and pity for Phii Pete. I understand clearly but not as much as he did back then. I can't measure the loss in feelings at all. Why didn't Phii Pete get angry, seek revenge, or hold a grudge against my family? Instead, he did good, and so well that I felt ashamed.
I absorbed the sin so much that I didn't notice Death had opened the door and entered the room with a plate of food, sitting next to me with an expression more indifferent than ever since I've known him.
“Stop being stubborn, Macau, do everything I say, and you'll be safe.” He reached out to pat my head, sighing as if troubled by what he was doing, until I had to dodge with disgust.
“If you're going to do this to me, just kill me.” I said with a trembling voice, tears flowing from the pain of what Hia did to Phii Pete.
“Even Pete endured it when Vegas held him for a month.”
Phii Top spoke as if he knew my thoughts, which were sinking in it, but it's not surprising because psychologically, no doctor would fail to assess my condition, how it's plummeting and filled with disappointment in everything.
“Are you God or something, to judge others?” I said with my head down, not even glancing at him. Phii Top, my first love, has it disappeared, or maybe it never existed at all?
“No. What goes around comes around.” He sat by the bed, pouring water into a glass and trying to hand it to me, but I paid no attention to his pitiful care.
Even though Phii Pete once told the story of his love with Hia through forgiveness, empathy, and an abundance of love he was willing to give to Hia, me, or even Venice, as I said, I can't accept what Phii Pete had to go through. This is just a fraction of what he endured, but I can't handle it. I'm sorry... Phii Pete. I apologize on behalf of Hia and everyone who ever hurt you so badly, even if you don't hold any grudge.
I apologize from the bottom of my heart, hoping that what I'm going through now might atone for some of my family's sins.
“Do you know that back then, Pete was chained, slapped, beaten, and insulted in every way, but in the end, he chose to betray the main family anyway.”
“What do you mean?”
I sat up, hugging my knees, glancing at the person next to me with dissatisfaction and growing hatred.
“Because that family was despicable!” Phii Top's voice rose sharply, startling me with his harsh demeanor and angry eyes, which I had never seen before, but I felt no disappointment because lately, I've stopped expecting anything from everything.
“And what about Big Brother? Don't you feel sorry for Big Brother?” I spoke of my relatives with a tight heart. I felt extremely guilty. If I knew everything would turn out like this, I wouldn't want anyone to be hurt, and lately, Big Brother has been the most sincere among the three siblings to me. I'm sorry, Big Brother, I'm really sorry.
I'm filled with apologies to the people around me. I'm sorry, Phii Pete, for never understanding your feelings. I'm sorry, Big Brother, for doing shameful things that affected our relationship. I'm sorry, Hia, for disappointing you. I'm sorry, Venice, for treating you so poorly, and I'm sorry, Aunt, for never being a good son.
“Eat, Macau.” Phii Top, who had cooked porridge, scooped some and brought it to my mouth, but I refused to comply and kept turning my face away.
“Was it that wrong?” I asked in pain, tears streaming down my face. Even though we are enemies, I couldn't bring myself to think ill of my own brother. “Big Brother Teekhun isn't that bad, right? You know that, don't you?” I asked with a fierce look, seemingly touching on some anger, making him immediately show irritation.
“Stop with the nonsense.” He slammed the spoon into the porridge bowl and tried to close his eyes to calm himself. Heh... you must be contradicting yourself too, right?
“One day, karma will catch up with you.” Just like it's catching up with me now, because I know karma is real.
“But the Main family won't have to wait, because I am the karma, and the first one I'll deal with is Teekhun, because everyone must be in so much pain.” Phii Top took a deep breath and scooped more porridge, this time shoving it into my mouth without warning.
“Spit!” I spat out the mouthful of porridge at Top's face, making him throw the bowl to the floor in anger.
Bang!!!!
“Continue to suffer in pain that no one in this world will ever understand.” Top, in a way I wasn't familiar with, walked out of the room in anger and locked it from the outside. I could barely contain my anger and let it out with a loud voice echoing through the room.
“Top!!!”