When I’m at home, I can be silly, laugh at something I’m watching, and just do my own thing without thinking twice about it. I don’t have to worry about how I’m coming across or whether someone is judging me. But put me in a room full of people I don’t know very well, and I can become much quieter. I might overthink what I say or spend more time listening than talking. I’ve noticed how much the people around me can affect which side of me comes out.
Sometimes I’m really talkative and have plenty to say. Other times, I’d rather listen than participate in the conversation. There are people I feel comfortable joking around with, and others I have a harder time opening up to.
I can connect with certain people almost instantly. It’s like our personalities just mesh, and I feel comfortable having deeper conversations with them. With others, it takes me longer to feel that same connection. It doesn’t mean I like one person more than another. I just seem to click more naturally with some people.
I’ve also noticed that I tend to match the personalities of the people I’m around. I might match their energy or change how I communicate without even realizing it. Sometimes I wonder if this has something to do with being autistic. I can be very aware of the people around me and how I’m coming across, and I don’t always know where the line is between naturally connecting with someone and adjusting myself to fit in.
For example, I’m usually quieter around people with bigger, louder personalities. I tend to hang back and listen, even when I have things I want to say. But around people who are calmer and more laid-back, I feel like I can relax. I’m more comfortable jumping into the conversation, joking around, and letting my personality come through. The dynamic between us seems to make a difference in how I interact with them.
When I’m around my closest friends, I feel a level of comfort that’s harder to find elsewhere. They know me best and love and accept me for who I am. I can share things, laugh, joke around, and enjoy their company without worrying so much about what I’m saying or how I’m coming across.
With people I don’t know as well, I can find myself overthinking every response, even when I want to be part of the conversation. My anxiety builds, and sometimes I go completely blank and shut down. Those moments can be frustrating, especially when I want to connect with someone but can’t seem to get the words out.
This tends to happen more when I’m already overwhelmed and mentally drained. By that point, even having a conversation can feel like more than I can manage. I might have things to say and genuinely want to participate, but I just can’t seem to get them out.
I also find that I need time to process what other people are saying. Sometimes I’m so busy thinking about my response that I lose track of what I was trying to say in the first place. I can feel like I need more time to gather my thoughts than a conversation allows.
I’ve realized that being quiet doesn’t always mean I’m uncomfortable, just as being talkative doesn’t always mean I’m completely at ease. My mood and the situation both play a part in how I interact with people. Someone else might not realize how much I’m thinking about in my head, especially when I seem quiet on the outside.
I don’t show every side of myself to everyone, and I don’t think that means I’m being fake or that I don’t know who I am. Some people make it easier for me to relax and be myself, while with others, it takes more time.
I’ve come to understand that I can be different in different situations without being a completely different person.
How does the way you act change depending on who you’re with?
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” — Bernard M. Baruch