I am stepping out from my usual routine today to share a deeply personal and vulnerable update on what has been happening in my world over the last two months (also apologies as its a bit long). For those who know me, I have spent my entire life being the ultimate "go-go-go" person—the one who is always achieving, pushing through, and constantly ready to support and show up for all my friends in any way I can, no matter what. But on Thursday, 18 June, my own system experienced what I can only describe as a complete, terrifying computer "blue-screen" episode. My mind and body completely locked down for survival, and I had to leave work early. Thanks to my flatmate, I was able to get straight to my doctor, and I have not been able to return to the workplace since.
What led to that moment was a progressive, severe worsening of my psychological health. Back in October, a severe incident occurred at work, and the subsequent workplace stressors that followed over the months caused a massive clinical exacerbation of my conditions. I have been struggling with severe anxiety, ongoing panic attacks, nightmares, and debilitating abdominal migraines. Before October, I had spent my life with well-compensated, unmedicated ADHD, using high intelligence to mask my struggles and function at a high level. Since early this year, I knew something was wrong and was actively trying to help myself by accessing Employee Assistance Program counselling to cope with these physical signs. But beneath the surface, the trauma was compounding.
During this time off work, my psychologist formally re-diagnosed my ADHD in order for me to be able to access the necessary ADHD medication to help my brain function. Through this process, we also unlocked a massive missing piece of my puzzle: I have been living with undiagnosed ASD. Discovering that I am an AuDHDer has been life-changing. My psychologist explained that because of my intelligence, I simply learned to mask my traits flawlessly for decades. But the trauma from October triggered a severe downward spiral, where mounting PTSD symptoms completely overwhelmed my system and stripped away my ability to maintain that mask. This has happened due to compounding work related stressors exacerbating symptoms since October. Through this diagnosis, I have had to accept a hard reality: I can never go back to being that 24/7 hyper-achieving person again. My brain needs to heal, and my pace has to change forever.
I am incredibly lucky to have an amazing doctor and psychologist who are helping me learn how to function again, but while I am doing the heavy clinical work to heal my psychological injury, the system has placed me in an incredibly scary position. I have been off work for 10 weeks now. On 24 June, my doctor issued strict requests for modified duties and a short work week so I could safely transition, but my employer refused to accommodate those medical restrictions, cutting my capacity to zero and forcing me to remain on leave. This decision by my employer caused my psychological injury to get worse. The hardest part is that I truly miss my job, and I am genuinely looking forward to the day my medical team say I am well enough to start easing back into it.
To keep a roof over my head, my employer was paying out my accumulated annual leave while WorkCover Queensland processed my workers' compensation claim. Truly, that annual leave has now been completely exhausted since mid July, and my claim is still dragging out. The system that is supposed to remove financial stress so an injured worker can focus on clinical recovery is taking forever, and it has thrown me into severe financial distress.
As of today 26 August, I am in discussions with a legal team as we now have to take my case to the Workers Compensation Regulator, due to denial of procedural fairness.
Right now, I am terrified of how I am going to pay my rent this week to keep a roof over mine and Eddie Pie's heads as we are already a week behind. Because I am still a year away from being eligible for my Australian citizenship, I am completely locked out of any government financial assistance or emergency relief here in Australia. I have applied for financial hardship to access some of my KiwiSaver funds back home in New Zealand, but that administrative process takes a significant amount of time, and my rent is due immediately.
I have also been in contact with charity places that maybe able to help but that all takes time as well. I have been desperately listing everything I can find on Facebook Marketplace to try and scrape together the funds, but we all know how frustrating and unreliable that track can be. I am usually such a naturally happy, positive person, and throughout this entire scary time of uncertainty with my finances and the claim, I have been fighting so hard to hold onto that part of myself and stay positive.
It is a deeply frightening time to be facing this level of housing and financial insecurity while trying to heal a severe psychological injury. Eddie Pie and I would be infinitely grateful for any hand, any small coffee donation, or even just being pointed in the direction of local community resources or emergency support groups that can help an international resident in a crisis.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading, for supporting us throughout our move to Australia and our life since, and for being there as a safe, comforting space while I learn to navigate this new chapter of my life.
Love Ed & I xx
