Shame, its among the most damaging of human emotions, with the power to convince us that that little voice in our head is right after all. You know, the voice…... it's the one that says “I knew you’d fail,” “told you so” and “Who would love you?”, among a host of other things.
Shame is both a gut wrenching feeling and a universal one. See no matter who you are, we all experience shame from time to time, whether we admit it or not (and we usually don’t). The thing about shame is that it does not discriminate on age, gender, socioeconomic status, everyone experiences shame to some degree.
Shame can shut us down or for some can show up as a destructive behavior, destructive to ourselves and others. Shame has been linked to addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, bullying and more. Because of this it becomes important that we learn ways to identify our shame, along with our shame triggers, and work with it so that we can grow, heal and not harm ourselves or others.
I urge all starting to embark on the pathway of discovering their shame and learning how to understand where it is coming from, why it's there and how to work through those moments shame likes to rear its ugly head. I urge individuals to work with someone like a counselor, therapist or coach first. This allows you to face things that might come up and allows you to learn proper and effective tools to work through shame in a safe environment, after that its totally up to you to take what you learned and fly solo. For those still insistent on “going it alone”, below are a few pointers and things to look at.
The next time shame comes your way, consider the following:
1. Bring Shame Into the Light:
Shame and vulnerability researcher and one of my favorite authors Brené Brown describes shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Take a moment and re-read that or let it sink in for a moment. With that discovery its no wonder that the last thing we want to do when our bodies are paralyzed by shame is talk about it. If we do, others may discover just how horrible we are, or at least that is what our mind is telling us. So what do we do, well we definitely don't say anything and just quietly beat ourselves up, withdraw, or even find others to blame or lash out at.
We can see that pretending shame is not there is not the best approach for anyone. Here is the thing, the less we talk about shame, the more power it has over our lives. Instead, If we cultivate enough awareness about shame, and actually name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off and it no longer has the power to take over or cause damage to ourselves or others. Getting beyond shame means acknowledging it and sharing our experiences with those we trust, feel safe with and know will sit with us in empathy, helping us keep our sense of shame in perspective. By acknowledging our shame, we refuse to let it evolve or define us. As Brene Brown states "When we bury the story, we forever stay the subject of the story, If we own the story, we get to narrate the ending.”
2. Untangle What You are Feeling:
Make sure you are dealing with the right feeling first, shame can be mistaken for guilt in many cases. Researchers define it this way: Shame means “I am bad.” Guilt means “I did something bad.” Again look at those brief definitions again and let them sink in. Being “bad” means you see yourself as incapable of changing or doing better. The regret that can come with guilt, on the other hand, can motivate us to make amends or follow a new path.
According to some researchers It’s also possible that “embarrassment” is a more accurate label of shame. But it can be argued that the feeling of embarrassment is definitely not comfortable, but it doesn’t take aim at our self-worth in the way shame does. So If you are thinking, “I can’t believe that person called me out in front of everyone for missing that deadline” that’s embarrassing. If you are thinking, “I can’t believe I missed that deadline. I’m such a loser,” that’s shame, see the difference?
The good news is our old friend embarrassment can pass in a blink, simply because we realize it happens to everyone. I remember being in a seminar and the speaker said that they timed "embarrassment", and that embarrassment feeling we all experience from time to time, usually lasts about 8 min. Of course it seems like longer, but we know from experience that it won't last forever. And furthermore, know that you aren’t the first person this has happened to (and won’t be the last). So take the time to analyze what you are feeling and compare it to what you really should be feeling. It can help you take the first step out of the hole of shame you may have fallen into.
3. Separate What You Do From Who You Are:
We all want others to admire what we bring to the table, whether its on the job or in the home. But what happens if “they” don’t like our contribution? If our self-worth is attached to what we create or offer, the answer is that we may very well be bulldozed over by a sense of shame that can cause us to retreat or lash out: “I’m an idiot”, “That’s the last time I suggest an idea” or we display the behaviors of anger or putting others down. Funny enough even if “they” love our contribution, we then fall into a cycle to keep pleasing. No matter what, if we define ourselves by what we do, we have put the power of our happiness and worth in the hands of others.
Being able to separate what we do from our sense of self-worth comes with an important benefit. When your whole identity or self-worth isn’t on the line, you’ll find yourself free to create, free to take risks and be innovative, free to make mistakes without fear of embarrassment or shame creeping in. Yes, you may be disappointed if the intended party doesn’t meet your efforts with fireworks and a standing “O”, but it won’t be emotionally crushing in the way that shame can be. When you are able to separate out, you can look at both praise and condemnation with the perspective they deserve, be open to any helpful critiques (that constructive criticism), and move on without too much scarring and with your dignity and worth intact.
4. Recognize Your Shame Triggers:
One of shame’s craftier tricks is its ability to hit us where we are most vulnerable. Our insecurities will default us to shame every time. Being aware of what triggers our shame allows us to cut this process off before it gets a chance to take over fully. Once you sense shame, try to identify the feeling behind it before it can amplify and take you on a runaway bus ride to nowhere.
Shame researchers have noted there are a variety of “shame categories," that can play a role in different triggers. The primary shame trigger for women still remains physical appearance, and for men, it’s the fear of being perceived as weak. To help cut these types of triggers I say learn to embrace who you are rather than try to fit an outside or societal notion of who you should be. When you are able to do this, shame’s power over you gets cut down.
In closing: Shame is, at its base, a fear of disconnection and rejection. Reaching out to safe family, friends or community that allow us to accept ourselves and others is helpful. In addition, being around others who can support each other by knowing that mistakes happen and it doesn’t make you the worst person on the planet, can make a huge difference in how we navigate the way we live or take on the challenges of new things. The saying “to err is human” comes to mind, and when we remember that we are all human and humans are not perfect, it can help support the “letting go” practice you are working on.
Safe connection and support is key to many emotional things in our lives and while we may be someone in need of that support, know that the street works both ways and there may be times you need to be there for others when the need arises. So how do you show up? Its simple, “I know how you feel”. "I know how you feel" is sometimes all that is needed to be said. Sometimes that simple phrase can mean the difference in a person going further into shame's powerful and painful hold or experiencing the few minutes of discomfort followed by moving onward without pain.