So often, I hear parents say, “Why does my child want to control everything? His having to control things is out of control!” They tell me they have to say no all the time until saying no just becomes a habit. “I feel like I’m a bad parent,” one mom told me. “I won’t let him push the elevator button because of how he insists on doing it. We’re always in this power struggle, and I’m tired of it.”
The power struggle is very real, but a child’s need for control isn’t for the sake of control or power. It starts (and ends) with his emotions, so that’s where we’ll start.
The emotional side of things
When kids are young—say, under seven—they are small in every way (except, of course, their emotions). They know how small they are, that you control access to ice cream, that you decide when they take a bath or go to bed. (For more on this, check out this post.)
Feeling so powerless, they only want to be bigger and to have some self-determination.
At this age, their ability to control others—much less themselves physically and emotionally—is seriously limited. So, naturally they try figuring out ways to gain control.
They’re not concerned about the abstract idea of power or control; again, they don’t want power for power’s sake. Power is not an end in itself, but rather an antidote to feeling small—because along with feeling small comes feeling helpless and scared.
These two feelings—helpless and scared—underscore so much of young children’s behavior. And it means they test limits. Constantly.
Yes, they want to see how far they actually can control things, but under this is a need to feel safe.
When a child tests the limits—and this usually means testing us to see if we’ll hold a limit or follow through on a consequence—she’s not trying to gain control over her parent for the sake of having control.
She wants to feel powerful so as not to feel scared. The irony here is that if she gains too much power, this will also scare her. It comes down to walking the fine line between letting kids have some control, but not too much.
If a child feels she controls her parent, then she’ll feel she’s the one flying the plane—not the parent—and she knows she’s too little for this job.
You can see the complete post, “Why Kids Needs To Control Everything So Much,” here, as well as much, much more at deepdiveparenting.com.