I should on myself. Often. ‘Should’ing on myself goes like this:
I should have a place on my mantle that displays an Oscar.
I should have it together enough to have completed a novel. Just one.
I should be thin.
Yes, I know, we can’t compare ourselves to others. True that, but there’s a driven madwoman in me that works from morning until night. Yes. I take time off but its always to do the right things. Then I’m back at it, doing whatever it takes to get ahead, to speak out and use what I’ve been given in this lifetime.
Victim voice reminds me I have had some hard knocks and they set me back and then it all snowballed. I have been humbled by life. I have laid on my stomach, mouth open on the edge of the sidewalk, upper teeth on cement. I have felt Ryan Gosling’s character standing over me, felt his foot rise, felt him smash my teeth into crumble. Life has humbled me.
But I get up.
Get up.
Get. Up.
And work like a dog.
And in between writing, auditions, 3 dogs, 3 kids, a manny, a farm, friends, housework, I should on myself for not having the accolades others have.
I should be able to be tougher, stronger, kinder, better with money, or so it goes. Something like that.
I should be teaching master class by now.
There’s no tidy ending to this writing, no happily ever after. I’m not bitter or angry or sad. I’m just tired of feeling like I do not have enough, I don't do enough, I am not enough.
So, in the name of being good enough, here is a list of masterclasses I am fit to teach:
Train Your Dog (to Pull a Tendon in Your Knee)
Limping at 50 & Beyond
Don’t Eat Much But Still Gain Weight! With bonus class: HYUOTPBWHAN (Hoist Your Undie Elastic Band Over That Pot Belly Without Hardly Anyone Noticing)
Hormonal
Party Like It’s 1999
In the Name of All Things Holy: How to Call Clergy While Things Are Trying to Claw Themselves Out of Your Fridge
Wild About Wilted Greens
‘Squeeze my Bag’, ‘Kiss my Arse’: How to Joke with Guests When You Serve Tea
Home Alone & Happy
Income Tax Evasion For Dummies
Write Up Pretty Pink Puffs of Smoke
Write Your Novel in 14 Easy Years
The Disorganized Desktop
Get Your Computer Hacked by a Guy in India Named Scott
Better or Bitter
Hair Dryer on Poison Ivy Rash Until It Bleeds But Youtube Said It’s a Cure (& Other Smart Internet Remedies)
First Aid for Crybabies
The Art of Sporting Mismatched Socks
Thrift Store Finds: Stinky, Stains & Seam Removal …& More!
Squirmy No More: How to Elegantly Keep A Worm Farm in Your Living Room Because You’re Kid is a Teacher & Had It in Their Classroom & Doesn’t Want It Anymore & You’re Stuck With It & Worms Are Great But Creepy (Take it Back!)
Anxiety 101 (classes cancelled)