When someone is first getting involved with tarot, it is stated (advised? Recommended?) that your first deck be given to you. I have always had questions about this, and at the moment, my perspective is being shifted because of the question of, "What happens to a deck when the person who gifted it is no longer in your life?"
I've never believed that one's tarot deck must be gifted to them. In fact, most people don't believe this. It's not really rooted in anything (though if it were, my best guess would be that it came from the world of magical traditions in which knowledge is passed down through grimoires and teachings). It's always struck me as a means of gatekeeping, to prevent people from pursuing tarot of their own volition. Let's be real- if someone wants to pursue tarot (or anything, for that matter) they will, regardless of what other people say. When there's a will, there's a way.
While one's first tarot deck doesn't need to be gifted, there is always the possibility that someone will be gifted a tarot deck (or many). I have been given my fair share of tarot decks, and I've given decks to people. Generally this isn't a problem, but like any gift, the nature of the gift can change after a relationship ends. I'm the kind of person where I have trouble holding onto things after a relationship has ended, whether that relationship is familial, romantic, or friendship. It's one thing if someone dies, or people grow apart with time, but when something ends quickly and in a traumatic way, it can make everything difficult. I doubt that I'm unique in this. We don't want to be surrounded by items that make us think of someone who hurt us. We don't want to be reminded of the bad times, and being reminded of the good times can be even more difficult.
I've been avoiding my studio. I need to work at my desk, but at this current juncture, there are a lot of items that remind me someone. There was a lot about them that I liked, but in hindsight they harmed me as a person. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I don't think any harm was ever intended, but in a lot of ways that makes it harder to cope with. If someone is actively hurting me, it's easy for me to sever ties and move on. I don't stand for being treated poorly. But, when there's enough good, and I can tell myself that they're treating me well, or that they're trying.... it's a lot harder. This relationship reminded me of another friendship that ended in similar ways. The aftershocks continue to cause me a great deal of pain, and temporarily (but effectively) pull me back to the headspace I was in when either of these people were treating me poorly. I was being changed, shifted into something I didn't like. It was painful to look back, to realize the ways in which I wasn't being heard, the ways in which I wasn't being considered, the ways in which I felt like I was filling a gap. In hindsight, a lot of what I was experiencing was love bombing. Love bombing is "a form of psychological and emotional abuse that involves a person going above and beyond for you in an effort to manipulate you into a relationship with them." (Cleveland Clinic)
I'm not saying that I experienced abuse, but as I'm reading about love bombing, I'm growing uneasy and I'm seeing all of these things that were a reality for me. There is so much overlap, and it kind of horrifies me to recognize my own experience in the things I'm reading. It's very possible that the people in my life who harmed me via love bombing have no idea what they were doing, and that they were continuing a cycle of abuse from their own experiences. But that's the thing- if someone isn't aware of what they're doing, does that excuse their behavior? I'm reluctant to imply that any of it was abuse, but... If it quacks like a duck, and it looks like a duck, and I'm left feeling extreme aftershocks and waves of feeling worthless and afraid... Well, I don't need to define or label anything, but I will say that I'm now hyper aware about how I feel around people, and how their actions affect me. I'm weary of being given gifts and excessive attention that I can't reciprocate. I'm weary of anything that makes me feel anything remotely close to how I did with either of those people.
I don't know why I wasn't able to stand up for myself more. There's something about being overwhelmed by attention and gifts that completely disarms me. I guess that's part of the reason why love bombing works. You get sucked in, and you let down your defenses, and because they're showing you positive attention, you accept is as something that must be a type of love. I spent a lot of my life being bullied, and I didn't get the positive attention I needed from a lot of people, so it's not really a surprise that I was so vulnerable to someone showing me so much positive attention. Writing this is giving me a lot of clarity and a new perspective on both of those relationships, including how deeply unfortunate it is that I shared so much of my spirituality and craft with both people.
Both of these people gave me tarot decks. For the most part, I've been able to piece out some of them and redistribute the cards. But right now there's one deck sitting on my desk, amongst all of these other gifts that this person gave me. Every time I look at any of them, I'm reminded of how worthless I felt, and how I didn't feel like I was myself with either person. What do I do with these things? They feel cursed. Do I try to sell them? Do I donate them? Do I burn them in the woods? To try to impart them onto other people feels like I'm going to be passing along some kind of dark magic, or some kind of ill-will onto another. So, I've been avoiding the task of removing them from my space. It's such a difficult thing to want to deal with. I have these magical tools and stones sitting there, no longer a meaningful part of my spiritual practice, but now something tainted and difficult.
I keep wondering if I was the problem. I keep returning to negative self talk, about how maybe it was all a big misunderstanding. If you're in a similar situation, I'd like to remind you that you're not the problem, and you're absolutely within your right to want to cut the person out of your life and never let them back in. When someone has hurt you so consistently, and made you question your self-worth, they don't deserve your energy or your space. You did enough by existing in that situation.
I don't know what I'm going to do with the tarot deck that is currently sitting on my deck. It taunts me, it whispers reminders of how I felt. Being gifted anything can bring up a lot of feelings (even at the best of times) and it can be hard to let things go, even if they are attached to bad memories. The funny thing is, I've always been weird about receiving gifts. It's never been something that I especially like. I get overwhelmed by the excitement and positive feelings, and then I feel empty afterwards. It should be so easy to let go of things. In fact, I have no trouble donating things and throwing things away because they no longer serve me. But this situation is different. Spiritual tools are so personal, even if it's something that was mass produced. I don't know what I'm going to do with that tarot deck, but I know that it will be a relief when I finally deal with it. I know I need to do it soon, because it is actually preventing me from living my life and getting work done. Once again, these people who hurt me are affecting and impacting my life in negative ways. I've gone through an immense amount of transformation and growth, and I desperately want to heal and move on.
I've learned how essential it is to keep aspects of one's spiritual practice private and independent. Sharing things with other people isn't a bad thing, but there needs to be so much trust to actually let people into that sacred space. Be mindful about who you let in. Be mindful of who you share your magick with. Not everyone deserves access to your spirituality, or your energy. You're allowed to set boundaries. If having boundaries is a deal breaker, then that person is never going to truly value you, and they're not interested in you as an autonomous person. You are so much more than an object of desire. You are so much more than a footnote in someone else's book.