Fox Taylor
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COTD: Expression

COTD: Expression

Sep 21, 2021

Full Moon in Pisces / Waning Gibbous in Aries //

Flower Agate / Expression / Throat Chakra //

CW: death, mental illness, depression

Yesterday I asked y'all if you wanted a card pull, and the response was a resounding YES, so here I am to deliver. I'm going to try to pull cards for you more frequently again. I'm just... in a weird place. My initial reaction is to pull some stoic witch act and say, "it's because xyz in the planets and whatever retrograde is happening, and I'm sure y'all are feeling the same", but I'm not going to do that. To assign everything meaning based on what the Moon is doing can be invalidating. The celestial bodies do affect us, but even before we talk about the impact of astrology, we are extremely complex beings. The reality is, I'm in a rough place, and that's it. I don't need to provide any additional explanation as to why I'm feeling a certain way, or act like we're all feeling the same way, because the reality is, we're probably not. And that's good! I don't want anyone to feel how I'm feeling. The fact we all react to celestial bodies differently means that we're not some colossal hive mind. The fact we all have our own shit going on means that we are all moving through very different journeys. I'm in a place where I'm grieving, and I'm struggling with my mental health issues. My witchcraft and my spiritual practice have been invaluable since my Dad died, and even while he was in hospital. The tools that I have because of witchcraft, and because of my experience reading for people, combined to help me support my siblings and my Mom in meaningful ways. I expected to feel things differently once I was back home in my nest, and that has been the case. This whole experience, of losing a parent after he lived with a chronic illness for over two decades, has been hard. And that's all there is to it. It's not harder because the Moon was in Pisces. It's not harder because the planets are continuing to shift. It's hard because I lost a close family member. It's hard because I have chemical imbalances in my brain. It's hard because I feel isolated and heart broken and every day is veiled by a new type of brain fog.

I'm choosing to bare my soul in this reading, because I think it's important to remember that your feelings ARE valid. Sometimes I feel invalidated by spirituality and witchcraft and magick. I feel like my feelings are less important because something is happening astrologically. I start to resent everything that I believe in, and everything I've built, because I'm hurting and the only responses I get are the love and light kind of thing that ultimately says, "Your pain doesn't matter because it's temporary."

I know that I'm not the only one who has felt this way. I know that I'm not the only one who has sought solace in traditional wellness and metaphysical wellness, only to not feel held or acknowledged by either. I know that I'm not the only one struggling with mental illness in a world, in a community, that pretends to be supportive, but only until it's an inconvenience or until it gets ugly. Some of the least supportive people I've known have been witches and healers. It's easy to ignore the mundane, physical roots of someone's pain, because it's easier to put a band-aid on the pain by offering some potion or spell.

This isn't to say that spells and potions aren't helpful. Flower essences and psychic sprays kept me strong during the days leading up to my Father's death. I was able to pull in additional strength from the cosmic web of Spirits and ancestors that I am a part of. I was able to keep focus on the task at hand: being there for my Dad, and being there for my family. I was with my Dad when he died. Those flower essences and talismans and little pieces of magick were supportive. They still are. They're just not a solution to my overall pain. But that's the thing- acknowledging someone's core feelings and their pain isn't about finding a solution.

It's not about fixing the person, or their pain. Magick isn't about removing pain from our lives. So much of spirituality and the occult these days is focused on fixing problems, rather than letting certain things be a part of our lives. Pain and grief are a part of our world. We are always trying to remove these ideas, but these ideas are a big part of shadow work. It's important to explore why we feel these things, and letting ourselves feel them. Understanding our pain and our grief, and allowing ourselves to working with these feelings in order to work through it all. Letting these painful moments be transformative, instead of trying desperately to return to how we were before. I wouldn't want to go back to who I was before my Dad's death. Yes, I am carrying an immense amount of pain, and navigating my depression and grief is challenging. Understanding the difference between my grief and my depression has been... difficult, to say the least. But I have grown. I have learned a lot about myself, and my family. I feel closer to my Dad than I haven in a long time. It all sucks, but it's all part of me having a greater understanding about myself and my existence on this plane.

Today's card is EXPRESSION. A card that encourages us to be honest, to nurture ourselves and our growth. Oftentimes, when we see the word 'expression' we think about creative expression, speaking our truth to the world, being vocal and letting ourselves be known for who we are. But this card is about a softer, more centralized form of expression. It's about speaking our truth to ourselves, so that we can better understand ourselves. This card is about growth and potential. When we pull cards like this, we can get it as a sign that we need to go out and share and express ourselves. That's an option. It's never a bad idea to speak up and speak your truth and express yourself. You have an inner voice to share, so share it! HOWEVER, that's not really what this card is saying right now. This card is telling you to look within, and explore your personal growth and potential. To sit with your feelings, and work with those deep inner feelings. This card is calling you to communicate with yourself. Communicating with yourself, and being open with yourself is a way to express yourself without fear of judgement. Speak into a mirror, journal, pull cards, make art that only you will see. Exercise restraint in sharing with other people. Self expression isn't about other people. It's about you, and how you feel. This card is an invitation to be who YOU want to be, and who you are at your truest core, even if it's for ten minutes. This card is an invitation for you to exist authentically.

Remember, you don't need to be fixed. You're not broken. You're just not being heard. Your experiences, your feelings, your pain, it's all valid. Some day, you'll have people who will hear you clearly, and you won't be judged. Those people may already be in your life. There's one of those people for sure. That's you.

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