In this post I'm going to share some writings and thoughts that came to me after a conversation I had in early August. That conversation has really stuck with me through the changing seasons and I've been holding it close to heart as I've transitioned home and now as we head into the holiday months. I hope it can help you find some solace in these trying times as well 🙏
I was sitting at a table in the dining hall at lunch time with my zen teacher and a guest from the retreat. This guest started opening up, becoming increasingly vulnerable, until she was in tears. She felt paralyzed by the stress and anxiety of her home life and she did not know how she would manage returning home after this retreat that she was barely able to fit into her life in the first place.
This is what came of that conversation:
There is no right or wrong answer.
My teacher spokes, "Your inner peace is the most important. You are not stressed out. You are a peaceful being, that is your birthright. You have become this 'I am stressed out' situation. Do not forget that you are peaceful and do whatever you need to do in order to protect that."
That's when I remembered that my mental health and well-being are of the utmost importance in my own life and I will do whatever I have to do in order to remain peaceful, in order to not be stressed. Yes, this takes diligent work and it is my commitment to living a fulfilled and thriving existence. Easier said than done, of course, always (severe understatement). That's why we call it THE WORK.
Our bodies are designed for homeostasis (the tendency toward a relatively stable equilibrium), a relatively peaceful state of being. We want to live in harmony, we want to be peaceful. It doesn't mean you will never be stressed out or have hard conversations, that this shit won't come up. The bottom line is to protect your inner peace no matter what, but to learn to do it in an honest way.
When we can declare this for ourselves, we open the pathways for communication with our loved ones. When your mental health and well-being becomes of the utmost priority for your life, the people who love you and support you and want the best for you will not pressure you for anything different. That's not to say there won't be misunderstandings or hurt feelings, especially when boundaries are unfamiliar.
I can assure you though, because I've seen it in my own life and continuously in the lives of clients I've worked with over the last decade: the people who love you and appreciate you will be there to support you in your well-being and your mental health. Perhaps not in the ways that you want them to be, and that's why learning how to discern what is best for you, and then communicating that to others, is the hardest part. Especially in a world that knows nothing but the "stressed out situation".
For me personally? Communication grinds my fuckin' gears, but I'm out here learning it.
You have to decide for yourself what is important. Considering you're here, I think you know (more than you likely give yourself credit for).
Grab your support tools! Here's a Practice for letting go of "right" and "wrong"
This was a hard lesson for me in my life that lasted many years. I still dance with this one as it is a big dismantling of judgement, reinforcement of acceptance and a softening to forgiveness. Along the way I've learned a lot about what respect means in the face of some very deep differences.
My world really started to shift in my late 20s when I really started to realize not everyone see's the world the same as me, therefore not everyone is going to have the same views as me and we may reach different opinions. I lived in "my way is THE best way, THE RIGHT way," for a long time. Then, one day a long-time, near and dear friend told me, "I didn't ask for your opinion." and it launched me into all sorts of questions around this topic (that was most of 2019 for me).
There is a lot of infrastructure that makes up each of our own belief systems and individual paradigms for what is right or wrong. I want to invite you to get curious about what this means to you. Is it all relative? Are there innate human laws? What's right to you may not be the same for another, how can this be?
Curiosity and noticing is the best place to start, from there, later, you can shift. I recommend writing these noticings down so they're not swimming around, stuck in your brain. Make sure you have your support systems available - trusted people to talk to, a hanky for tears, your journal, a beverage. That's if you're going in deep. Or keep it light and see where it takes ya. Let me know :)