So far so unpredictable...
The year 2023 started off feeling so new and full of adventure. As time progressed it turned into the type of adventure I wasn't actually expecting, in any way. At the top of the year, my husband Nigel and I were surprised with baby number 3, on his birthday. I surprised him with a happy birthday test. It wasn't something we were expecting but overall welcomed. A mental adjustment for sure. We already had Connor, our 2-year-old turning three the next month, and Caleb, our 1-year-old who would be 2 around the time the new baby arrived. Our hands were blessed but full all at the same time. I'm not too sure what happened between then and the end of April, but hopefully, my memory will return at some point.
Any who we get to the end of April and I'm a part of this beautiful experience with my sis and bro Chrissy and Isaiah. My first time really singing in years, including my own songs. It was something I had no idea how it would go. But I know that the way I felt that day will be a time I'll never forget. I had my support system there with me lots of people for sure, but the inner court was of course Jesus, my husband, my mom, and my boys. My mom walked in right before we went on and I felt so at peace. Calm, in a way that I can't explain. She has always been my biggest earthly supporter. Never missing anything I did, as much as she possibly could.
I saw her one more time in person, on a Monday, May 1, 2023. She was stopping by to bring her boys some snacks. She supported us and them so well. When I would be lost confused or overwhelmed, she was always my sounding board. She would correct me when I wasn't correct. It was an example of God's love on earth. Unmatched. I was on a phone call for work. But I was off minutes later. We talked for a few minutes and hugged. She was in a rush. She said she had to make a few more stops before heading home. We spoke on Google Duo nightly for her to say goodnight to the boys before they went to sleep or she went to sleep.
We talked Tuesday, May 2, 2023, around 8 or 9 pm the times are a blur now. During that conversation, she told me about a name she thought of for our new bundle. At this point, we didn't know the gender yet. We had 2 sets of names picked out for a boy or a girl. She told me that she liked the name "Torri", I said oh that's a nice name. She said no listen, it's a mix between Tonya and Gloria Nigel's mom who passed in 2019. I said oh that is really nice! maybe we can use it as a nickname or something. Now at this point for the boy names we didn't have a middle name picked just yet. Soon after we said our goodnights and our I love You's. That was the last time we ever spoke.
Between the time we spoke and 8 pm the following day my mommy passed away, in her bed. By herself. When I got the phone call it was the hardest call I ever got. I fell trying to get my husband to take me to her apartment. I was one of the last in my family to find out. I felt as if breathing was the hardest thing to do. I still have moments where I don't think I've caught my breath just yet. I'll spare the details of things to follow after that day. But I will share How kind The Lord has been with engulfing me in peace, shalom, shalom, that surpasses all of my understanding. I wouldn't have lived without it. We had her services on the 21st of May, which is the same my Granny, her mother, passed away in 2016. I wanted to give myself just one big memory, hoping it would help me to cope better during the anniversaries. Soon after her services, a couple of weeks later my aunt passed away. The same aunt who read my mother's obituary at her funeral. I uttered the words; I just can't take any more this year to my cousin when she called to let me know what was going on.
There are pockets of time throughout the coming days of this year when I felt like life was playing a trick on me or that I was being punished for something I or someone else in my bloodline did. I even blamed myself for my mother's death. I lost my job, later in the year, causing what seems like more harm than good. I am still very pregnant and barely able to do many things physically. In prayer I know the Lord impressed upon me to start school with Empower and I did, it's not easy but it is very fulfilling. I'm always motivated by my mother's memory of how she pressed. It keeps me going daily.
I'm sharing all of this not to be a Debbie downer or look for sympathy. I'm sharing it to say that I know that this isn't how my story will end. Nolan Torri will be here this month; school is going well. I'm feeling more present than I have since May 3, 2023. Not perfectly here but I'm here. If there is anything that anyone is going through or has gone through that seems as if it will never end, don't believe that lie. The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 3:1-15 "For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
9 What do people really get for all their hard work? 10 I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. 11Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. 12 So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. 13 And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.
14 And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. God’s purpose is that people should fear him. 15 What is happening now has happened before, and what will happen in the future has happened before, because God makes the same things happen over and over again."
If you ever need a reminder that you can get through anything I hope this will be a good reminder. A place where you find comfort, relatability, and even a resource. Feel free to comment down below!
Love Cocoa Lew