Following the path my family paved for me, I graduated from UBC Forestry.
Even though I did not find the faculty enjoyable for the most part, I always felt that I was on the "right path" doing the "right thing", seeing how proud and content my family was. So long I stay on this path, I felt that there is no need to worry about being loved and appreciated. I felt safe. Therefore, there is no need to question any choice made.
I did enjoy the few hands-on projects, where I had brief and precious moments to express myself.
I would take up co-ops during the summer so that I could be more equipped to participate in the family business. I did not find the work enjoyable, but I did a good job in persuading myself in seeing the work as a challenge for growth.
I pushed through that summer in 2016, but the next summer I experienced depression, for the first time ever.
It was the summer where I was an apprentice at my family's company, and the plan was to work there for the entire summer. Passing the two and half month mark, I started to find the after-work hours to be more and more difficult to enjoy. I found no relaxation in laying on the sofa and watching TV. Instead, I felt agitated. I tried to distract myself with delicious take-outs, liquors, and computer games. Day by day, my motivation for doing anything nosedived. Within a week, I found no joy in anything that was supposed to bring me joy.
Things around me started to look lifeless and grey.
I remember there was a moment where I could not decide whether to sit down or to walk around because either would bring me more anxiety. It was at that moment that I knew something was off.
"But what could it be?" I thought to myself "everything is going according to the plan, isn't it?"
And that was the beginning of my journey of self-discovery.