The Quill - Stage 3 - The second vampire ...

The Quill - Stage 3 - The second vampire negotiation

Mar 17, 2022

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"Well, this is cheerful." said Skavild, at the entrance to the Secret Vampire City.
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"Did the Ambassador give us any indication at all on how to pronounce the vampire lady's name?" Aralina said nervously.
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"No." said Eldaline, studiously ignoring the skeletons suspended from the walls. "It is just like her to abandon me to potential embarrassment. We will simply have to wait for somebody else to say her name first."
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"Who are you?" demanded the vampire guard.
  "Eldaline, Second Archivist to the Archives of Alinor, on a mission of utmost helpfulness and benevolence ordered by First Emissary Elenwen."
"And who's that?"
  "My library assistant's little boy Rufus, because his Grandma has guests until Harvest's End and only has one spare room."
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"The guard didn't say it, Second Archivist." whined Agent Aralina.
  "I know. We'll have to hope they have a servant announcing her arrival. Vampires enjoy ceremony. Door-niney?"
"Door Naine?" said Ondolemar. "Do Nanny?"
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"I reckon it's Dour-nine." said Skavild.
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  "Skavild." said Eldaline. "I do not want a repeat of the Korus argument at this time."
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"Chowrus." said Skavild. "What about Dawny Yan?"
"That is just silly." said the soldier called Aranwen. "I think it is Dour Naine."
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"No, then it would be Dour NaynEE." said Aralina. "Because Altmer knew how to pronounce things when she was born."
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"Doorny Anne Ninny?" said Skavild.
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Eldaline turned and waved her arms at her retinue. "Now, do not go confusing each other, or else one of you will say something stupid. Oh, and another thing."
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"Since the vampires are particular about etiquette, should they make any demands with regards to visitors kneeling and grovelling..."
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"Do not say, and, Aranwen, I am particularly looking at you, 'a soldier of the Thalmor kneels to no lesser being, least of all to corrupted parasites'."
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"Why would I say something like that, Second Archivist?"
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"Because I know you and I know how difficult it is for you not to say things like that. Say something nice, such as 'I regret that my office does not permit such a gesture of me, though it holds you in the greatest available regard.' Everybody understand?"
"I need the toilet." said Rufus.
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"Do you remember when your father asked you twelve times if you needed the toilet just outside the Secret Vampire City?" said Eldaline.
"No."
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"Rufus, we'll find you a toilet as soon as we get into the vampire castle." said Skavild.
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As they were still approaching the great keep, Aranwen said, "Second Archivist Eldaline. There are some very unusual shops in this city, which I would be very happy to investigate for you while you are negotiating with the vampires."
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"You are going shopping, are you, Aranwen?"
"Well, if you think it is a good idea, Second Archivist..."
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"Did we go shopping when the Archons were negotiating the surrender of Southern Hammerfell?"
"I don't think so, Second Archivist."
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"So, are we going shopping now?"
"No, Second Archivist, I don't think so."
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"Ah!" said Rufus.
"Perhaps we should all go shopping." said Eldaline.
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"What's the matter, Rufus? Did you have a fally downy?"
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Ten minutes later, there was still no indication how to pronounce the name of the vampire.  Eldaline smiled. Not because she felt assured of imminent triumph, for she was certain of the opposite, but in the way she liked to smile at her approaching failure, death or doom.  Shout at it, protest to it your innocence and the injustice of everything, for all you could hope to slow its advance, you might as well start mooing at it like a cow.
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"You can play with your doll in the corridor while we are attending the vampire council, Rufus."
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"No, I want to stay in here."
  "Well, are you going to stay quiet?"
"Yeah."
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Eldaline made one final appeal to a nearby vampire noble.  "What do you call the lady who has come down from Morrowind to perform the negotiation?"
"A negotiator."
  "Wonderful." said Eldaline.
And then the negotiator had arrived.
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"This audience has begun." said Dhaunayne Aundae.
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"Though we are immortal, do not test our patience with long-winded exhortations, Altmer. You are the arch-historian and mage of the Thalmor called Eldaline?"
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"And you are a person I am delighted to meet." said Eldaline.
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"Da. How do they get this floor so shiny?" said Rufus.
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"We treat it with a mixture of walnut oil and horker blubber." said the vampire steward.
"Oh." said Rufus.
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"The unrest begun by the vampire Valerica and her surprising tenure of the Mace of Molag Bal threatens the stability of the clans not only under the Order of Cyrodiil." said Dhaunayne. "I've been selected to speak for those who would not cower in awe of the mace, and for this tiresome purpose I have stirred from my comfortable home in Ashmelech."
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"Then I will be as brief as my instruction allows, most revered visiting negotiator of darkness. A war among your kind in this province is undesirable to my Ambassador. Although we understand that some show of strength is probably unavoidable, I am permitted to offer the services of several staff, and reasonable exchanges of beneficial information, that might aid you in safely ignoring the worst excesses of Valerica's posturing."
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"Auntie Eldaline, I can't find Count Spoonface."
"Who in Oblivion is Count Spoonface?"
"My doll."
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"See in what contempt the Thalmor truly hold our kind." a seated vampire grunted. "They think a mortal child can negotiate with us."
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"I'll help you look for Jarl Panface as soon the vampire clan negotiation is finished, Rufus."
"It's COUNT SPOONFACE." cried Rufus.
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"Those who truly wish to treat with us kneel, by custom, especially when greeting an Ancient of Aundae Clan, instead of playing with dolls."
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Eldaline said, "An officer of the Thalmor kneels to no... Do you know, Aranwen, I was unfair upon you, it is harder than I thought not to say it. My office does not permit me to kneel, I regret, most noble Ancient of the Aundae Clan."
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"Then, if you're too incompetent to greet us with the respect our power demands, offer us what we cannot easily obtain from beguiled Imperial captains."
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"What are you doing?" Eldaline cried. "Are you trying to put a frog in my cloak? Don't lie, you piglet, you were trying to put a frog in my cloak. You have a frog, and you were trying to put it in my cloak. Skavild, take the frog away from him!"
"I was just looking for Count Spoonface."
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"He hasn't got a frog, Eldaline." said Skavild.
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"We have offered you expertise far beyond the understanding of humans, and long will this ingratitude be remembered, should it persist."
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"Offer me instead any reason why I should not put my teeth into your neck, far from entertaining this mockery." said Dhaunayne.
"Because the fireball through your chest, although it might not kill you, will take years to wash out of your dress. Because I offer you that which none could expect: Our assistance in maintaining stability, and not upending it. And apparently I taste salty." said Eldaline.
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"Leave this audience chamber!" snarled Dhaunayne Aundae.
Rufus said, "Count Spoonface was in my pocket."
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"Well, that's nice, Rufus, I knew he must be here somewhere. You see, there was no need to get flustered."
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"Well done, Second Archivist, I think you did very well." said Aralina.
  Eldaline said, "Why don't you tie your ears in a knot and use them as a swing? No, don't do that. Not until we get outside."
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Although, even in Eldaline's despondent mind, many of the vampires looked decidedly unhappy with the result.
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Although this may simply have been the way they normally looked.
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And just as the chamber had cleared and Eldaline was about to storm out of the keep, the vampire whose name she still couldn't say appeared from behind a curtain they had assumed led to a wall.
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"Now that we are alone," said Dhaunayne. "I would like for you to join me on the upper balcony."
"Does it have tall railings?" said Skavild.
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to be continued!

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