The Duchess of Anticlere - 16

The Duchess of Anticlere - 16

Jun 22, 2022

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"How lovely." said Aralina, after floating down into the courtyard like a Spring blossom. "How delightful of my sweet husband to give me a magic dress."

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Aralina's sweet husband was, meanwhile, elsewhere in the Blue Palace's sealed wing. Erdi was showing him the mould on the table that she had been trying to clean.

"Very interesting." said the ghost of Emperor Pelagius III. "But what about the limescale on the waste water pipe? That is really where my interests lie."

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"Your sweet husband didn't give you the magic dress." said the mammoth in the room where the Emperor and Erdi had been.

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"I did."

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"But," said Aralina. "Why would my dear Pelagius wish me stuck on top of a pillar like that? We have only been married twenty minutes."

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"He hasn't been the same since SHE came." said the mammoth. "She's got into his head. It was fine when it was just me. But SHE came, and said: Pelagius, there's only room for one of us in here. And this being Pelagius' mind, he turned me into a mammoth."

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"You mean, a stuffed mammoth's head?" said Aralina.

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"No." said the mammoth. "A whole mammoth. Then he shoved my head through a wall. And, well, that's about the long and short of it."

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"I am so terribly sorry for my husband's unreasonable behaviour." Aralina offered an apple. "Would you care for an apple?"

"An apple? At a time like this? Have you no sense of.. actually it looks tasty. Give it here."

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"As I was saying." said the mammoth. "Oh, yum yum yum... You'll never guess who I am. Or who I think I am."

"You are a friend of my husband's?"

"Ha. Anyone in Tamriel will tell you I'm your husband's very best friend. The only friend I'll ever tell him he has. Until She arrived and turned his head."

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"Who is she?"

"I can't tell you. She's sealed my trunk. But why don't you look over those last three cards. Because somebody clearly didn't want you to see them."

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"Over there." instructed the mammoth. "Warmer. Warmer. Colder. Frozen. Warmer. WARMER, WARMER, WARMER, HOT HOTHOTHOTHOTHOT! I'm not talking to you, by the way, I mean the weather on the other side of this wall. Ah, I see you've found the cards. Well done."

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Aralina picked up the three remaining cards. "The other cards had pictures of spiders on. These cards have daedric letters. Meht-hefh... no, hef-lam. Leh...iyaloh..."

The mammoth trumpeted. "NOT IN HERE. You'll call her."

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"I need some help with something." said Skavild, in the Temple of the Divines.

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"What with?" said the window cleaner.

"Sort of spiritual guidance."

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"I'm only a window cleaner now, Skavild."

"Yeah, but you can still tell me about Talos the Ninth Divine, can't you? I want to know where he stands on oath-breaking."

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The window cleaner nearly fell off his ladder. "Oath-breaking? You haven't broken an oath, have you, Skavild? Wait, wait, I'll get down. Then you can tell me all about it."

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"Not yet. But say, for example, I'd taken an oath, but fulfilling it is turning out to be a lot more difficult, inconvenient and embarrassing that I would've imagined." said Skavild.

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The window cleaner put his ladder in the antechamber and began to sweep up. "Talos is very much against a Nord going back on his word. Now. Not when he was alive. When he was becoming Emperor, it was a necessary political tool. But people change when they become gods, you know."

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"I know." said Skavild. "But Talos was against being embarrassed, as well, wasn't he? You see the quandary this puts me in?"

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"As a man, yes." said the window cleaner. "But as a god, he would be completely impervious to embarrassment."

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"But I'm not a god, so I'm not impervious to embarrassment." said Skavild. "This sounds really complicated. It sounds like Talos changed totally when he ascended. You know, unrecognisable-like, almost like it's not even the same person, almost. Like goin' from somebody who you're sayin' wouldn't be a good role model for the average Nord at all, to somebody who really is, in every way, just at the exact moment when he was out of sight."

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"I know it sounds complicated, but these are the exact workings of Chim." said the window cleaner. "You probably have to be a priest of Ta... I mean a window cleaner, to understand."

"I suppose so." said Skavild. "I don't believe in the Thu'um, though."

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"Why not?"

"I saw Ulfric Stormcloak shout at Eldaline, and she didn't even fall over."

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"Perhaps he wasn't using it properly." said the window cleaner.

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Turning rather hurriedly, Skavild said, "P'rhaps. Well, that's cleared a few things up, at least. I'm going straight back over there and fulfilling the oath I took. I'll make Talos the Ninth Divine proud."

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I should follow him. Thought the window cleaner. He will require moral support in whatever this oath may be. Expecting a fellow Nord to confront his fears alone is unfair.

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"Hello." said the window cleaner.

"You can't come in here." said the door guard of the Bureau of Advanced Communications.

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"But I'm the window cleaner."

"All right, so you can come in. What do you want, a medal?"

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"Is Ondolemar not here?" said the window cleaner, to the Elf on the desk.

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"No. He's upstairs for his appointment with Skavild."

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"Appointment?"

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"What do you want, Window Cleaner?"

"I want to clean the windows."

"Well, you should have said so when you came in."

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The window cleaner pointed. "What's that?"

"The Second Archivist's private bar."

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"No, not that. The thing in front of it."

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"Oh, silly of me! I thought you were talking about the bar. That's not an original, but it's three of only fifty prints. 'Ayleid Ruin in Northern Valenwood, at Sunset', oil on canvas, by Rythe Lysandras." said Aranwen.

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"Not that. That. The thing in front of the painting, next to the desk. What in Oblivion is it? Is it safe?"

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"There's no need to be like that, you bad-mannered ignorant tosser, it's a fucking carpet. Haven't you got windows to clean?"

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"Your method of telling untruths is crude." said the Sload Ambassador Q'Jola. "For a price, I can teach you."

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"When I agreed to this unbecoming display," said Ondolemar. "I was under the impression that you knew what you were doing."

"It's not my fault, a seagull flew past the window and put me off."

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"Well, get on with it."

Skavild got ready for another swing. In principle it was very straightforward. "Oh, I'll get on with it all right. I'm surprised this is the first time anyone's ever done this."

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Skavild stepped back. "Wait a second, I need to warm up."

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"This is absurd." said Ondolemar. "Shall I go and ask Aranwen to help you?"

"No... That would be silly."

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"Well, will you hurry up, because I am getting tired standing like this."

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A very audible gasp of dismay came from the doorway to the library, where the window cleaner had arrived.

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Skavild jumped. "By the Nine, you scared me! Don't creep up on people like that."

"By the What? Who's there?" said Ondolemar. "Tell them to go away and come back later."

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The window cleaner didn't say anything, which to both Skavild and Ondolemar was more irritating than saying something.

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"Well, don't just stand there staring like that, honestly, it's not like you haven't seen everything in your line of work."

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"Skavild," said Ondolemar. "I really cannot wait any longer. I don't care if the window cleaner wants to watch. Just get it over with."

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"Well, p'rhaps I'm not comfortable with being watched, has that occurred to you? 'Course not, typical inconsiderate Altmer. I'm not doing it until he's gone, you can damn well wait until after Aranwen's turn."

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"You won't even know I'm there." said the window cleaner. "Please, carry on with whatever you were doing."

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"No! I've had enough." Ondolemar snapped. "I'm an officer of the Thalmor and I refuse to wait until you're finished with a common soldier. I demand my turn."

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"I'll just get started over here." said the window cleaner. "And you can, err, get started over there."

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"Don't let me interrupt you."

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"This isn't as much fun as I thought it would be." said Skavild.

Ondolemar straightened up. "Why is that window cleaner carrying a bushel of ceremonial Talos twigs?"

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continues

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