I struggle typing this story due to feeling both awkward and somewhat embarrassed. I am at the beginning stages of ending my marriage. That in itself isn’t the bad part, it is the fact this is my third marriage going kaput.
I am sitting in my bedroom typing this while the husband sits on the couch. Our marriage never was a good one from the start. I place the blame squarely on myself for getting married to him. I was in desperate situation over ten years ago. I thought and believed if I didn’t marry him, my daughter and I would never survive.
I had a good job working as a full time dialysis technician. I was taking the last of my prerequisites to get into nursing. I was navigating the single parenthood thing albeit difficult, but managing.
Life decided to hit me with a curve ball. The heart defect. I was born with,got so bad, I could barely walk or catch my breathe. I turned thirty nine this year. The hole in my heart caused backflow of blood in the right atrium, causing further damage.
Fortunately, I found a good cardiologist that helped get me linked to another cardiologist up in Chicago. The doctors in Chicago were able to put an implant in my heart to stop further damage.
Unfortunately, because all those years of my defect going undetected, damage was done. My heart needed to heal so it could properly flow. My job did not care. I asked and they promised me a desk job but later denied ever offering me one. I physically could not fulfill the demands of being a dialysis technician. School went kaput because I missed so many classes. I went in a mental downward spiral.
I met my husband while he was a patient at dialysis. We didn’t start seeing each other until six months after I quit and we ran in to one another.
I relied solely on child support to keep things going for myself and my daughter. Mentally, physically, emotionally I was broken, desperate and unsure how we would survive. I believed the only way is if I got married.
I know, pathetic on my part. Desperation makes a mind do foolish things.
My husband attended church where women were considered second class. I didn’t care because at the time it was about surviving.
We got married after six months of dating. Yep. Not good. Every and any red flag flashed before my eyes, but I chose to ignore them all. Even my daughter on numerous occasions kept warning me. My mindset said all I was good enough for was being someone’s “wife.”
It was a toxic relationship from the get go. Endless arguing, scriptures thrown in my face, manipulated with said scriptures to please the husband.
Every moment I tried communicating with him about a lie, he would twist it, saying he never said it. My daughter caught him lying on several occasions. Everytime, he would deny he said a lie. No one was allowed to hold him accountable, except God.
He feels the world owes him. Nothing is ever good enough.
He is disabled, so that guilt lie on me too. Ten years passed and I felt miserable about myself. My daughter had married and left five years prior.
I finally convinced the husband to sell and get out of our duplex a year ago. We moved in a mobile home.
Love the mobile home, hate being here with him.
I made several attempts to muster up the mental strength to get a job and leave him. Every job I lasted maybe a week and mentally would break down.
Something snapped in me in October 2022. When I saw my husband pick up my baby grandson, mouth swear words to the baby, I lost it.
I grabbed the baby, swore at husband we are done. It is over between us. This time, I meant it. I felt like all those years of being used, drained, and manipulated have shut off. I awoke from my hellscape.
These past few months I have begun to discover the old me. The one that used to believe she could make it. No one needed to rescue me.
My husband knows I am wanting to leave. It is a difficult road ahead of me. He controls our joint bank account, and I am not allowed to touch it. I have my own bank account, but little in it because I don't work.
I watch my two grandsons full time during the week so finding a flexible job is challenging. I am also exhausted caring for them all day.
Most jobs in my area, are very labor intensive, and you have to adhere to their scheduling. I still send my resume out in hopes something ideal will come along.
My husband lied about helping me with my bills if I drive him to and from work. He was using Uber/Lyft. He doesn't drive due to poor eyesight. I caved and agreed. Stupid me.
Now, each month I scramble trying to pay my credit card bills. I accrued that debt because I wasn't allowed to use our joint account and I still needed things.
Somehow, with the endless kindness of Twitter friend's, they help support me so the bills get covered. I appreciate each and everyone of them for helping me out. My daughter tries to give me money whenever possible too.
There are days I want to give up. It seems so endless and hopeless. I want so badly to believe I will finally break free from this cycle of never getting out of this horrible marriage.
It sucks I failed at my third marriage. I can keep beating myself up that I am a complete failure in life. But, that will not bring me out of this situation.
The most difficult part is grabbing hold I can and will be free.
My daily reminder is seeing all the great people in my life who have helped me thus far. I am loved and cherished.
I have survived abuse in the past, I can do it again.
Life is all about do overs.