The defeated/deflated feeling starts subtle until it hits like a tidal wave. Life appears to hum somewhat normal, as normal can present itself on a daily basis. Most days, I have my head just above life’s crushing waves, and that’s about it.
This is my normal for my entire life. Please, do not be mistaken, I have blessings I cherish daily. But me as a person, never feels quite adequate.
I put full effort into trying to make a living. I’ve gone to school, gained skills at jobs, started businesses, but I never get past a certain point. I fail at pushing past the point so I can earn a livable wage.
I place the blame squarely on myself. I give up because I try every which way to try to succeed. I never break past barely surviving. I get stuck. Rather, my brain fries out, and my entire thought process stops.
Which brings me to where I always end up, with suicidal thoughts. My first suicidal ideation/attempt was at the age of eight. Already,I went through molestation all due to my mother’s hatred towards me.
I struggled through out the years, coming close to or having suicidal thoughts. I went to therapy starting in my early twenties. I’ve been on medication. Last time I went to therapy I was in my mid thirties. I am now fifty.
What does it look like to others who wonder what goes on in the mind of being a suicidal person?
I cannot speak what others deal with suicidal ideation, but for me it feels like a dark pit. The best I can describe is when depression gets to a level of inner pain and torment, I want it to cease.
All the horrific thoughts come flooding in…I’m worthless, I am garbage, end my pathetic existence, no one will care if I am gone. It is wave, upon relentless wave,of nonstop hideous thought processes.
I put on my smile, so no one truly knows the pain I am experiencing. I do not want to feel like a burden or anyone to feel sorry for me. Everyone is facing horrendous stuff in this day and age, why would I want to trouble anyone with my problems?
I want to reach out to someone, anyone. But I am afraid. I fear the judgement, scorn, the bad advice, that actually makes it worse. Call the Suicide Hotline is what I hear all the time. I have deep trust issues, so easier said then done.
I want to return to therapy. The cheapest someone has found in my area costs $45 a session. Seems reasonable if I could afford it. Forty-five dollars is very steep on a very tight budget.
One thing I can attest through all this misery, I am a survivor. My survival mechanisms thus far, is writing out my pain. As many hate social media, it is my lifeline until I can get professional help.
I am reminded how being a grandmother is a huge blessing and helps get me refocused. My issues still exist, my days can be calm and peaceful, or really intrusive thoughts try creeping in.
It is a battle. Life is a long, hard journey, and all I can do is one step and one day at a time.
Want to know how to help someone who possibly is dealing with suicidal ideation? Be there for them. Truly mean it. And listen. We need to know we are safe to open up our darkest parts of us.
Of course, if the person says they are going to harm themselves, seek medical help for them immediately. Better to know the person is getting help rather then wait and see.
I didn’t write this article knowing what others endure during suicidal ideation, only my own thought process. Suicidal ideation is mind crippling which steals any joy from within. It robs self esteem, self worth, everything that makes life meaningful.
I am putting the following so if anyone, or someone in need of help can contact:
National Suicide Prevention Hotline:
We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States.
1-800-273-8255