Every day feels like I am one step closer to giving it all up. I have struggled with the endless barrage of horrible thoughts for quite some time. I’ve done therapy, medicine, meditation, prayer, all of it to try to rewire the horrid thought processes.
Autism is just one of the wonderful things my brain must deal with daily. Each day is a challenge to try to navigate to survive. I try my best to drown out the constant noise of crap on the news and the world around me.
I stay as focused as I can on caring for my husband who is disabled, with his health declining more each day. I work on building my writing through Buy Me A Coffee and Medium.
But, I doubt myself all the time, never believing I can push to get out of this financial dire straits my family is experiencing. The pressure gets more intense, and I question how much longer can I maintain this façade, I can make it all work out.
My best and most enjoyable time is spending time with my grandsons. Oh, those precious angels of mine. Any time I get to see or babysit them, that is what gets me rooted and grounded. The horrible thoughts, the world crashing away, all melt when I spend time with the boys.
I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I give it my all daily. My biggest worry is paying my bills month to month. I have some savings, but it is diminishing. I have maybe a month to month and a half before things will get hairy.
But, as most in America are dealing with, there is more money going out than coming in.
I remind myself that life can be so much worse. I don’t live in a war zone where the threat of being killed is a nonstop occurrence. I have the means to get groceries while other people in the world have no food at all. I have my physical health while others die of diseases because of no healthcare.
I need to remind myself daily, I should not be dismayed or worried, things are happening all around the world, that are far more troublesome than my little problems.